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Messages - teppuM999

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16
Main / Re: Miscellaneous...
« on: September 01, 2009, 03:23:03 PM »
this is a good idea, socal
misc. thread

i think guys do think about things differently. =p i used to ask matthew to call and let me know if he was stopping by, or if we had plans, let me know when he was coming
he never would =p EVER.
haha
it used to frustrate me because i'd be walking out of the shower and hear someone coming into my apt.
used to freak me out! but it would just be him

i doubt your brother meant anything by it. and you know, he probably regrets not seeing his mom more, too; esp. now.

your mom's advice was good -- that's kinda how matthew was, too. he never let anything lapse over a day. if we had a disagreement, it was resolved asap. good way to live.

17
Main / Re: with the holidays approaching
« on: September 01, 2009, 07:19:20 AM »
i think that's what caused me to think about it.
the tree outside is turning yellow
i don't even remember the last three months.


18
Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: August 31, 2009, 11:52:57 AM »
that's what makes dealing with the "stuff" difficult. finding some way to make both sides happy.
plus, you get issues where people fixate. the idea of the flag might comfort the daughter, too, and if she can't get it, plus if she doesnt feel like other things she wants are accessible, she might fixate on that and let it fester.
that bag of my aunt's music made me angry for years. if i'd even been tld before it was given away, and allowed to take atleast a few pieces from it, maybe that would'be made it better. but nobody told me.

matthew servedin the army, and was also presented a flag, however the matthew i knew wasn't too big on his service. we gave the flag to his grandfather, who wants to fly it in his hometown over memorial day.

currently i'm driving matthew's car. it's my only way to get around since matthew and i had planned to pay it off together. his grandfather insisted on buying it for him after his previous car died and he decided to just go without. (one thing i like about the city is that you can do that if you want.) then i had my car accident, and some other things, and so this car fills practical as well as sentimental functions. however, at some point i think i will leave this city because i'm not sure i belong here anymore. i know i will want to take the car with me, and pay the rest we owe to his grandfather. but i don't know how his relatives will feel about me taking the car away.

19
Main / Re: Grief and depression
« on: August 31, 2009, 11:43:08 AM »
exactly, i sometimes think things like that, too.
of course making judgements based on a grief board would be unsound.
i think seeking this place out in the first place shows that we do have coping skills
don't think there's anything wrong with not feeling like getting up in the morning. everyone has good days and bad days.

20
Main / Re: Grief and depression
« on: August 31, 2009, 11:16:29 AM »
i think depressed people to seek out help.
alot of suicide attempts are huge cries for help because smaller ones, like posting on forums, or trying to talk to other people, didn't work

21
Main / can't sleep
« on: August 31, 2009, 02:00:54 AM »
having a really bad couple of nights
i feel like i've been awake for 12 years
tomorrow is monday which means class, i just want to curl up in a ball and drop out of the rest of the world
leave it behind
my world is in such complete disarray, i don't know why i have to care about the big world outside
i don't think i CAN

dunno who else to talk to but you guys.
it's 4 a.m.

22
Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: August 31, 2009, 01:31:03 AM »
another bit to add

when i was 13, my aunt died. she was my best friend at the time. we were so much alike, ppl still remind me of it, even though i've told them it bothers me.
but when you're young, and someone dies, older people tend to push you aside -- atleast this is how it was in MY experience. i'm just trying to help you relate to the situation of the daughter. even if older people don't mean to do it, they figure you're not prepared to deal with these "grown up issues" and they "know what's best," etc etc. perhaps the older people were "fine" with you having the flag, but the daughter never was, and her voice was never heard?
my aunt had a huge bag of piano sheet music. she was a wonderful pianist and i wanted to be just like her. i wanted to keep that bag of music, and i told people over and over how much i wanted to keep it. i came home from school one day to find it GONE -- my grandmother had given it away, snatched it right out from under me, and said i "didn't need it." how would she know what i did and didn't need?
it took me YEARS to get over my resentment for that. seriously. YEARS.

23
Main / Re: Are they watching over us?
« on: August 31, 2009, 01:19:23 AM »
what kind of church is it?
not all born again churches believe in literal biblical interpretation.
catholics and protestants have alot of misunderstandings about each other; many catholics, for instance do believe in literal transubstantiation, i.e. the wafer and wine at communion truly become the body and blood of christ.

as someone brought up in a "born again" church, we were always taught that loved ones would watch over us and wait for us to get to heaven. we were not taught literally.

consider the source, but also find your own answers, and try not to make assumptions.

also, sometimes it's hard for people to move on if they think a loved one is literally WATCHING them. for instance, if a wife dies, the husband who decides to start dating again may have a hard time thinking his wife is watching him kiss and hold hands with a new woman. so i imagine there's a bit of that in there, too. "they're not watching, staring you down -- you CAN move on with your life." kind of a means to jump-start recovery, maybe?

24
Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: August 31, 2009, 01:00:04 AM »
i think it's difficult with kids because well, they're kids.
not like whining screaming 5 year olds, but they're family, they're his children.
they may not understand how important you were to jim, and they are probably resentful of what they see as you standing between them and their dad's stuff, which is all they have left of him. they might've felt that THEY deserved to be presented with that flag because you WEREN'T married and they were his biological family.
what you see as "alot" being given back to them, they may not see as enough. i've got piles of sketchbooks, tons of matthew's clothes, his blanket, pillow, every pair of shoes, his backpack, any number of other things, photos, drawings, a bit of his hair even, and it isn't enough. it never will be. the "stuff" becomes a placemarker for the person, but it will never fill the hole, it will never be enough. try to look at it from their perspective. he was their dad.

you lost the man you were going to marry, but they also lost a parent. it's a really huge catastrophic loss on either side. there has to be some give and take, but also it might help to atleast understand where they're coming from. that's the way it's been with me -- i lost matthew, my soulmate, but he was also a brother and a best friend. he was  a nephew and a grandson to people who loved him differently than i did, but love just the same. when his friend wanted to take some figures of his, i'd remembered how much time they'd spent together working with those, their conversations, how much fun they had, and as much as i wanted to keep every single one of those figures because they had been matthew's, it wouldn't have been fiar of me to deny something to the friend just because i wanted to keep all of it.

perhaps the daughter feels the flag should be hers legally BECAUSE you weren't married. she probably thinks of her genetic bond with him, and all the time she had with him. that is all stuff that is going to have to be worked out.

they will have to understand why you don't want to do it yet, but you will also have to understand why they want things of his.
did jim have a will? if not, it won't get easier. everyone will have to remain level headed and realise that everyone else has just as legitimate a claim to the stuff as everyone else else. =p
when you get into legal junk, unless jim expressly wrote that all of his stuff went to you, it generally follows next of kin guardianship. a friend of mine got absolutely nothing when her boyfriend died.  his family came in and took everything and more or less put her out of his house.

try to keep an open mind, and stay flexible, and work with the family members on that as well. i think it's normal to want to hold onto everything and make a coccooon out of it, but they do have some kind of claim to the stuff as well.

25
Main / Re: new person-hurting alot
« on: August 30, 2009, 10:24:59 PM »

I get so sad because I waited so long to meet him and we had such a short time.  He was such an amazing man, he was my soul mate that always accepted and loved me no matter what.

flamingo, i can so relate to that

sending you good thoughts

26
Main / Re: with the holidays approaching
« on: August 30, 2009, 05:04:21 PM »
getting out of town might be a really good idea

27
Main / Re: new person-hurting alot
« on: August 30, 2009, 04:57:25 PM »
can definitey relate to fear of the future

the tree outside my apartment is now sporting yellowing leaves.
when matthew died, things were just fully greening up here.
what happened to the time?

28
Main / with the holidays approaching
« on: August 30, 2009, 03:49:12 PM »
how do you prepare?

this halloween, matthew and i really wanted to do a haunted house. he'd drawn some plans and stuff, and since we were going to move into our place together, we would've most certainly done it, even if it was smaller-budget than we wanted. =p

i've got one of his costumes sitting on my couch. pondering making my own like it, just smaller. still have some of the stuff he used to make it

just not really sure i'm even going to want to do any halloweening. i dunno.

then there's thanksgiving, and christmas, and new years.
i've never NOT looked forward to them more than i do now.

29
Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: August 30, 2009, 03:45:27 PM »
try to remember to take it inside at night

when my faceplate in my car got stolen, matthew loaned me his because his car was on the fritz anyway and we happened to have the same after-market CD player. that faceplate practically lived in my purse because i didn't want to lose his, either.

now that i'm driving his car, i make sure the faceplate is tucked away in a safe place

30
Main / Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« on: August 30, 2009, 03:40:48 PM »
you have no idea what kind of "humour" i'm in. my spirit is actually a bit higher than normal.
and nothing in my post was combative or doing any "taking out" on anyone.

this is a thread to merely vent about feeling lonely. no matter waht the reason someone isn't talking is, it doesn't alleviate the loneliness.

sometimes i feel like a person can't vent about anything here.

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