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31
Main / Re: After the first year
« on: September 03, 2009, 03:10:03 PM »
I agree that taking it one day at a time is important. I get so scared when I look too far in advance. I also get scared when I've "met" a lot of people online who are in as much pain as I am now even though their Mom died 7 or 8 years ago. I can't imagine being in that much grief so that long. It scares me.
32
Main / After the first year
« on: September 02, 2009, 09:06:37 PM »
I saw this on another site. I'm not near the year mark but I thought some of you might want to read it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AFTER THE FIRST YEAR . . . THEN WHAT?
The first year of bereavement brings raw pain, disbelief, the agony of reality and many other deep emotions – emotions many of us have never experienced or at least not to the same depth. The time period after the first year is usually not quite as pain-filled as all the firsts were. Although we may be a little better, often we are not nearly as healed as we would like. It helps to understand this next period and to learn some skills for coping. It is most helpful if we lower our expectations of ourselves, work on our grief and hold on to HOPE. Remember, grief is different for everyone. It is like fingerprints or snowflakes; no two are alike. Everyone grieves differently, so don’t compare yourself to others or place yourself on a timetable. Some of the following suggestions/observations may help you:
1. Beware of becoming critical of ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously, due to unrealistic expectations.
2. A different level of reality may hit us. We usually no longer deny the death, but now face the reality and its long term implications.
3. If the death is unexpected, some say that the second year is even more difficult.
4. It may be the time to struggle with new life patterns. We may have handled grief by overactivity (workaholic, etc.). If our previous style of grieving has not been helpful, we must be willing to try new approaches such as: become more active in a support group; find telephone friends; read about grief; develop coping skills; become determined not to become stuck in our grief; do our grief work; HOLD ON TO HOPE.
5. It is vital to find a friend with whom you may talk. This is the one significant factor that prevents people from sliding into deep depression. You can find such help in a support group.
6. We should carefully consider the phases of grief. One or more phases may be giving us trouble, such as anger or guilt. If so, recognize the phase and work on it. Don’t push it down or ignore it.
7. Other events in your life may also be adding to your grief (trouble with spouse, children, work, other family members or friends). Realize this happens to many grieving people and it does complicate your grief.
8. You may or may not cry as often, as you did at first, but when you do, realize it is therapeutic. Don’t fight the tears. As the author Jean G. Jones says in TIME OUT FOR GRIEF, “cry when you have to – laugh when you can.”
9. Physical symptoms may become more acute (stomach disorders, headaches, sleeplessness). Have a checkup.
10. Insufficient sleep plagues many bereaved. It may be helpful to give up all caffeine and alcohol. Physical exercise helps you to relax and makes you sleepy….
11. Check frequently that you have balance in your life – work, recreation (including exercises, hobbies, reading), adequate rest and prayer.
12. Don’t be alarmed if depression reenters your life or appears for the first time. Depression is normal and its recurrence is also normal….
13. Our grief may seem “out of control.” We may feel as if we are “going crazy.” This is common to bereaved people. It is important to realize grief work takes time. Much more time than we think it should. Be patient with yourself.
14. Be aware of a lowered self-esteem. We might think to ourselves, “I don’t like the person I’ve become.” Often it is our unrealistic expectations of ourselves to be handling our grief better – no doubt we are doing better than we give ourselves credit.
15. We often hear “Time will heal.” Yes, time does soften the hurt a bit, but mainly it is what we do with time: read, talk, struggle with the phases, get help when we become stuck in a phase, be gentle with ourselves, lower our expectations, build a pleasant time with family and friends, pray to our loved one.
16. It helps to consider that our loved ones are happy – free of pain and hassles – that we will be together again. Also, if you died, would you want your loved ones to mourn deeply the rest of their lives? You would want them to enjoy life as much as possible. They want this for you.
17. PRIDE may be one of your greatest stumbling blocks. You may think that you should be doing much better – you may not want to acknowledge that you need help.
18. Vibes from friends may openly or subconsciously be, “Shape up – you must be over it now. Get on with living,” etc. You not only experience the death of a loved one, but you feel abandoned by friends and even family. Find others to talk with who understand. These friends may come from those who attend the support group meetings.
19. Loneliness may seem to engulf us as we look ahead to a life without our loved one. Find new friends, worthwhile work (support groups always need help with phoning, mailings, research, etc.) and connect with friends from the past. Pleasant memories can help, too.
20. If you feel guilty, it must be acknowledged – not suppressed. Really look at the “if onlys.” Hopefully YOU and only you will be able to say to yourself, “I did the best that I could at the time – so did my loved one.”
21. WHY??? If the “why” is bothering you, ask it again and again until you can come to terms with it. You may never know why. It may remain a mystery that you choose to let go. When you can, concentrate on your choice to get better.
22. Realize that anger may be at ourselves, God, the person who died, those in the helping professions who did not seem to understand or help. Acknowledging our anger is the first step in releasing its power over us.
23. Don’t expect too much of your family. They, too, have their hands full of grief.
24. Consider even though you are struggling with grief, you would rather have had the time with your loved one than not to have had them in your life at all.
25. Set realistic goals for the future – realistic is the key word. Pinpoint your most acute concerns. Think of all possible solutions. Choose one solution at a time and implement it.
26. So many of us have been brought up to be independent; “I’m going to handle this grief myself.” We find it difficult to ask for help. Yet we need help. Asking for help from caring people can make a big difference in your working through your grief. Force yourself to reach out to help.
27. Often, when we slide back into the pits, we panic. We hate the feeling. Irrationally we feel that we will remain there. It is important to realize we have been in the pits before, and will be again, but we WILL GET BETTER.
28. Be a fighter against giving up and becoming stuck in grief, as 15% do. A determination to work through grief may be one of the common denominators of those who recover. It is up to you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AFTER THE FIRST YEAR . . . THEN WHAT?
The first year of bereavement brings raw pain, disbelief, the agony of reality and many other deep emotions – emotions many of us have never experienced or at least not to the same depth. The time period after the first year is usually not quite as pain-filled as all the firsts were. Although we may be a little better, often we are not nearly as healed as we would like. It helps to understand this next period and to learn some skills for coping. It is most helpful if we lower our expectations of ourselves, work on our grief and hold on to HOPE. Remember, grief is different for everyone. It is like fingerprints or snowflakes; no two are alike. Everyone grieves differently, so don’t compare yourself to others or place yourself on a timetable. Some of the following suggestions/observations may help you:
1. Beware of becoming critical of ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously, due to unrealistic expectations.
2. A different level of reality may hit us. We usually no longer deny the death, but now face the reality and its long term implications.
3. If the death is unexpected, some say that the second year is even more difficult.
4. It may be the time to struggle with new life patterns. We may have handled grief by overactivity (workaholic, etc.). If our previous style of grieving has not been helpful, we must be willing to try new approaches such as: become more active in a support group; find telephone friends; read about grief; develop coping skills; become determined not to become stuck in our grief; do our grief work; HOLD ON TO HOPE.
5. It is vital to find a friend with whom you may talk. This is the one significant factor that prevents people from sliding into deep depression. You can find such help in a support group.
6. We should carefully consider the phases of grief. One or more phases may be giving us trouble, such as anger or guilt. If so, recognize the phase and work on it. Don’t push it down or ignore it.
7. Other events in your life may also be adding to your grief (trouble with spouse, children, work, other family members or friends). Realize this happens to many grieving people and it does complicate your grief.
8. You may or may not cry as often, as you did at first, but when you do, realize it is therapeutic. Don’t fight the tears. As the author Jean G. Jones says in TIME OUT FOR GRIEF, “cry when you have to – laugh when you can.”
9. Physical symptoms may become more acute (stomach disorders, headaches, sleeplessness). Have a checkup.
10. Insufficient sleep plagues many bereaved. It may be helpful to give up all caffeine and alcohol. Physical exercise helps you to relax and makes you sleepy….
11. Check frequently that you have balance in your life – work, recreation (including exercises, hobbies, reading), adequate rest and prayer.
12. Don’t be alarmed if depression reenters your life or appears for the first time. Depression is normal and its recurrence is also normal….
13. Our grief may seem “out of control.” We may feel as if we are “going crazy.” This is common to bereaved people. It is important to realize grief work takes time. Much more time than we think it should. Be patient with yourself.
14. Be aware of a lowered self-esteem. We might think to ourselves, “I don’t like the person I’ve become.” Often it is our unrealistic expectations of ourselves to be handling our grief better – no doubt we are doing better than we give ourselves credit.
15. We often hear “Time will heal.” Yes, time does soften the hurt a bit, but mainly it is what we do with time: read, talk, struggle with the phases, get help when we become stuck in a phase, be gentle with ourselves, lower our expectations, build a pleasant time with family and friends, pray to our loved one.
16. It helps to consider that our loved ones are happy – free of pain and hassles – that we will be together again. Also, if you died, would you want your loved ones to mourn deeply the rest of their lives? You would want them to enjoy life as much as possible. They want this for you.
17. PRIDE may be one of your greatest stumbling blocks. You may think that you should be doing much better – you may not want to acknowledge that you need help.
18. Vibes from friends may openly or subconsciously be, “Shape up – you must be over it now. Get on with living,” etc. You not only experience the death of a loved one, but you feel abandoned by friends and even family. Find others to talk with who understand. These friends may come from those who attend the support group meetings.
19. Loneliness may seem to engulf us as we look ahead to a life without our loved one. Find new friends, worthwhile work (support groups always need help with phoning, mailings, research, etc.) and connect with friends from the past. Pleasant memories can help, too.
20. If you feel guilty, it must be acknowledged – not suppressed. Really look at the “if onlys.” Hopefully YOU and only you will be able to say to yourself, “I did the best that I could at the time – so did my loved one.”
21. WHY??? If the “why” is bothering you, ask it again and again until you can come to terms with it. You may never know why. It may remain a mystery that you choose to let go. When you can, concentrate on your choice to get better.
22. Realize that anger may be at ourselves, God, the person who died, those in the helping professions who did not seem to understand or help. Acknowledging our anger is the first step in releasing its power over us.
23. Don’t expect too much of your family. They, too, have their hands full of grief.
24. Consider even though you are struggling with grief, you would rather have had the time with your loved one than not to have had them in your life at all.
25. Set realistic goals for the future – realistic is the key word. Pinpoint your most acute concerns. Think of all possible solutions. Choose one solution at a time and implement it.
26. So many of us have been brought up to be independent; “I’m going to handle this grief myself.” We find it difficult to ask for help. Yet we need help. Asking for help from caring people can make a big difference in your working through your grief. Force yourself to reach out to help.
27. Often, when we slide back into the pits, we panic. We hate the feeling. Irrationally we feel that we will remain there. It is important to realize we have been in the pits before, and will be again, but we WILL GET BETTER.
28. Be a fighter against giving up and becoming stuck in grief, as 15% do. A determination to work through grief may be one of the common denominators of those who recover. It is up to you.
33
Main / Re: Compassion Fatigue
« on: September 02, 2009, 08:27:18 PM »
This article made me realize that I actually have been caring for my stepdad 24/7 since my Mom died. I really haven't had anytime to myself or time away from her home. I never even thought about that until now.
I definitely need to take better care of myself physically. I need to exercise and start eating more balanced instead of not eating one day then overeating the next.
I definitely need to take better care of myself physically. I need to exercise and start eating more balanced instead of not eating one day then overeating the next.
34
Main / Re: Miscellaneous...
« on: September 02, 2009, 08:19:59 PM »
Neighbors are so strange. I feel like they are completely ignoring me. I'm glad in a way because I don't feel like talking to them. But it's weird. Maybe it's because I was kind of cold to them when it first happened. They called and I didn't really say much. But I did tell them I appreciate them calling. Now anytime I see them, they hardly wave or anything. I think they feel sorry for me.
35
Main / Re: Best self-help techniques
« on: September 02, 2009, 08:17:24 PM »
So far....
* Reaching out to people online
* Allowing myself to cry whenever I feel like it
* Trying to spoil myself like my Mom did
* Letting my body rest whenever I need it
* Talking to her outloud
* Writing my blog as a way of venting
* Reaching out to people online
* Allowing myself to cry whenever I feel like it
* Trying to spoil myself like my Mom did
* Letting my body rest whenever I need it
* Talking to her outloud
* Writing my blog as a way of venting
36
Main / Best self-help techniques
« on: September 02, 2009, 08:14:50 PM »
List the things you've done for yourself that you feel have helped the most.
37
Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: September 02, 2009, 03:27:55 PM »
We're just chatting, it's not like Kay will tell the Mom anything we're saying. I guess I just see so many blended families with the same issues as my blended family had, and one of the issues is the ex-wives usually do feel their own children should get everything of their fathers. It's all very complicated with multiple marriages and kids and whatnot. But regardless, hopefully decisions about "stuff" become clearer as time goes by.
38
Main / Re: Miscellaneous...
« on: September 02, 2009, 03:23:24 PM »
I signed up for meet-up for yoga a while back. I think I looked up grief but they didn't have one. Or maybe they just didn't have one close to me. I should double-check and look again. I guess I'll have to travel. I called hospice place and they gave me some numbers for grief groups in the next county.
40
Main / Re: If tomorrow starts without me - POEM
« on: September 01, 2009, 11:37:35 PM »
That puts a lump in my throat 
41
Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: September 01, 2009, 11:29:53 PM »
Kay, it sounds like you're being very generous and fair with the kids. I would keep the flag if I were you, especially since it was already decided and you have already agreed to eventually leave it to them. The Mom is influencing the kid's thoughts and that's why it was brought up. Ex-spouses usually have anger issues so she's trying to control things. Anyway, like you say, grief makes people crazy. I also pray that I'll do what my Mom would have wanted me to do and that I'll think in a clear way. I wish this all wasn't so intense. 
42
Main / Re: new person-hurting alot
« on: September 01, 2009, 11:21:32 PM »
When I listen to those of you who have lost spouses/S.O. it makes me realize how much a person can change your life and how you feel about everything. I haven't had that soul-mate experience but reading some of your posts makes me realize how special it must be to feel that. It's nice to hear that you all found someone who made you feel so happy. I'm sorry your time together was too short. (((hugs)))
43
Main / Re: can't sleep
« on: September 01, 2009, 11:15:06 PM »
I have a hard time sleeping because I know the mornings are so dark for me, so it makes me stay up later.
I have thought about whether sleep medication would help, but in general I'm afraid of pills.
Has anyone tried that?
I have thought about whether sleep medication would help, but in general I'm afraid of pills.
Has anyone tried that?
44
Main / Re: Miscellaneous...
« on: September 01, 2009, 11:12:49 PM »
My brother said he doesn't feel any guilt at all. My siblings are very self-oriented people. They get that from my Dad who felt that once a person "grows up" they detach from their original family and create their own. My Mom and Dad were so different. My Dad never saw his family, my Mom adored hers. So I guess my siblings and I are different in that way too because I believe you should still honor and cherish your parents even if you're a grown adult. My siblings only really care about their own families.
Anyway..........another miscellaneous: I walked out of the grief share group tonight. They kept talking about praying and the bible and all that, and I was sitting there thinking, I want to talk about my Mom and losing her, not the bible. So I just decided to leave because I could feel my emotions coming to the surface. I got to my car and starting crying really loud. I remembered that for the past couple days, I didn't take my normal drive where I cry and talk to my Mom. So maybe the emotion was building up.
I want to find another grief group but one that isn't based on religion. I need to talk about my Mom more than God. I can talk about God later. I wish there were grief groups that weren't based on religion. All the groups in this area are church-based.
Anyway..........another miscellaneous: I walked out of the grief share group tonight. They kept talking about praying and the bible and all that, and I was sitting there thinking, I want to talk about my Mom and losing her, not the bible. So I just decided to leave because I could feel my emotions coming to the surface. I got to my car and starting crying really loud. I remembered that for the past couple days, I didn't take my normal drive where I cry and talk to my Mom. So maybe the emotion was building up.
I want to find another grief group but one that isn't based on religion. I need to talk about my Mom more than God. I can talk about God later. I wish there were grief groups that weren't based on religion. All the groups in this area are church-based.
45
Main / Re: Miscellaneous...
« on: September 01, 2009, 01:40:56 PM »
Wow, your brother lives that far away and doesn't call! I guess men look at things different. 
He stopped by because he was in the area. He only lives 10 minutes from here anyway. It was uncomfortable and then it lead to other comments relating to my Mom. I do have resentment towards him for not doing more for my Mom. He normally saw my Mom maybe 2 or 3 times a year, even though he lived that close. She REALLY loved when he visited so I just wish he would have done it more often. But like my sister, they are busy busy busy with work. I know I have to let that resentment go, but it's how I honestly feel so when he caught me off guard little bits of it came out. Normally I'm in more control of what I say because I have time to plan ahead. I try not to cause drama so I bite my tongue a lot when I'm prepared. But when I'm caught off guard, not so much! If he could have called even 5 minutes before, at least I could have known. I actually never go to anyone's house, even family, unless they know I'm coming.
After he left, I did call him within a few minutes because the one thing my Mom always taught me was to never go to bed angry, something can happen to either one of you and you never want a fight to be the last conversation you have with someone. I have met so many people who fought with someone and then they died. It's a really tough burden to carry. So I called him, we both said sorry and "I love you" and we moved on from it I guess.
I just feel that right now I'm in a certain frame of mind where I don't need any more unexpected things happening, even small things like people visiting. I feel like being alone, so when I am going to see someone, I need time to mentally prepare. Otherwise, I might let out all the resentment I feel, and that would not be positive for anyone.
Anyway, I feel kind of bad about how I acted but I tell myself, I'm human just like everyone else.
He stopped by because he was in the area. He only lives 10 minutes from here anyway. It was uncomfortable and then it lead to other comments relating to my Mom. I do have resentment towards him for not doing more for my Mom. He normally saw my Mom maybe 2 or 3 times a year, even though he lived that close. She REALLY loved when he visited so I just wish he would have done it more often. But like my sister, they are busy busy busy with work. I know I have to let that resentment go, but it's how I honestly feel so when he caught me off guard little bits of it came out. Normally I'm in more control of what I say because I have time to plan ahead. I try not to cause drama so I bite my tongue a lot when I'm prepared. But when I'm caught off guard, not so much! If he could have called even 5 minutes before, at least I could have known. I actually never go to anyone's house, even family, unless they know I'm coming.
After he left, I did call him within a few minutes because the one thing my Mom always taught me was to never go to bed angry, something can happen to either one of you and you never want a fight to be the last conversation you have with someone. I have met so many people who fought with someone and then they died. It's a really tough burden to carry. So I called him, we both said sorry and "I love you" and we moved on from it I guess.
I just feel that right now I'm in a certain frame of mind where I don't need any more unexpected things happening, even small things like people visiting. I feel like being alone, so when I am going to see someone, I need time to mentally prepare. Otherwise, I might let out all the resentment I feel, and that would not be positive for anyone.
Anyway, I feel kind of bad about how I acted but I tell myself, I'm human just like everyone else.