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Messages - ScottW

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31
Sibling Loss / Re: Wishing you all...
« on: December 25, 2013, 08:52:08 PM »
Thank you Terry and same to you!  You know my story . . . Come on January 1!

Best to you and yours,
Scott

32
Sibling Loss / Now . . . not sad enough?!
« on: December 20, 2013, 08:50:32 PM »
So, the subject line of my last post was, "so sad".  Now, I feel like I'm going crazy.  Today would have been Jori's 45th birthday.  This day has been a really tough one for me over the past 5 years.  But today, it just seemed like another day. Maybe that's healing but it's really giving me a feeling of guilt and I'm confused.

There has been so much going on in my life.  I started getting really depressed a few weeks before Thanksgiving (Jori died the Saturday after Thanksgiving, November 29).  Then, on the 22nd of November this year, out of nowhere, my cousin, Kim, was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer (it spread to her liver).  I am very close with Kim and she is very, very close with Bryce and Sean (Jori's boys).  Too much. With all of the concern about Kim, I was completely overwhelmed. At the same time, I was concerned that Jori didn't "get her due". Sound crazy?

Kim had surgery last week.  Tumor in her colon and tumors on her liver were removed. We do have hope.  She will start chemo in a few weeks and then it's "test, wait, and see".

To top it off, I am busier right now professionally than I've been in 4+ years. This is a very good thing on many levels but i think it has prevented me from processing / feeling the way I normally do, today, this time of year, etc..  It's all just really confusing to me.  I don't want to forget about Jori, I don't want anyone to forget about Jori.  My head is spinning.

Thanks for "listening".  Happy holidays to all (whatever that means, right?).

Scott

33
Parent Loss / Re: My Dad's 2 year Angel Date
« on: December 20, 2013, 08:33:24 PM »
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.  Big hugs to you, Terry.

34
Sibling Loss / Re: Happy Heavenly Birthday, Jori! ((Scott))
« on: December 20, 2013, 02:01:32 PM »
Thanks for remembering.  It's these little things that actually 'help'.

35
I hear you loud and clear (so loud and clear)!   I don't know if I posted it here but I know that 4-5 weeks ago, I was thinking "January 1 cannot get here soon enough".

After getting through T'Giving (the anniversary of my sister's death), December brings Jori's birthday, both of her son's birthdays, my wife's birthday and my birthday.  Enough . . . or too much.

I don't know if the pain lessens, as you say, but, for me, it does change.

Hang in there Gail, we'll "celebrate" 2014 soon enough.

Best,
Scott

36
Child Loss / Re: Holidays
« on: December 03, 2013, 10:06:38 PM »
Paula, just wanted to let you know that this is a beautiful - and inspiring - message.  Thank you.

37
Sibling Loss / Re: Thinking of our Pam
« on: November 26, 2013, 09:08:57 AM »
Pam, I am so very sorry.

38
Child Loss / Re: My Brother
« on: November 11, 2013, 11:33:01 AM »
Just wanted to express my condolences to you Peggy.  It sounds like your brother was an oustanding individual.  How thoughtful and selfless for him to communicate that he wanted you and your family to 'be at peace'.  Keep "celebrating".

39
Sibling Loss / Just Sad
« on: November 06, 2013, 03:04:11 PM »
I'm not even certain what to write . . . or whether I 'want' to write.  I just know that I usually feel a bit better after spending some time here.  I'm having a really hard time right now.  I really feel angry.  At Jori?  At life?  At the world . . .

It's got to get easier (easier than this).  I miss my sister.

January 1 cannot get here soon enough.

40
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: THANKSGIVING
« on: November 06, 2013, 03:00:41 PM »
"Grief gets different in everyway."  Very well said.  I cerainly don't think it 'goes away' . . . just changes.

41
Sibling Loss / Re: One who was like my sister
« on: November 01, 2013, 11:20:48 AM »
Hi Helene.  I, too, am very sorry for your loss.

42
Sibling Loss / Re: 5 years ago and really hurting right now
« on: October 21, 2013, 11:27:26 AM »
Terry and Gail, here are hugs right back at you. 

Gail, I can completely releate to what you are describing (as you know it's coming up on 5 years for me too) . . . I guess that why you've 'seen' me on this board a bunch more in the recent weeks.

I wish that I had the words that could ease your pain.  Just know that you have many people 'in your corner'.  It's so tough to see the rest of the world 'move on'.  I am now having some of my closest friends tell me, "it's time".  You know what I think?  F them!  Only the unlucky can appreciate our grief and I hope you find some comfort knowing that you are not alone.

Best,
Scott

43
Sibling Loss / Re: I have a question
« on: October 21, 2013, 11:20:59 AM »
Terry and Gail . . . thanks for the hugs and the kind words.  They are much appreciated and much needed.

44
Sibling Loss / Re: Jolene's Angel Date ((Gail))
« on: October 21, 2013, 11:19:22 AM »
Thinking about you Gail.  This time of the year sucks, eh?  Forgive the crassness but I think that sums it up well.  Hugs to you.

45
Sibling Loss / Re: I have a question
« on: October 16, 2013, 01:51:10 PM »
I have a reoccurring dream about my sister Jori.  Invariably, Jori is "back in town".  It's clear that she disappeared for a while and that "she's back".  However, she is ALWAYS very unkind to me.  Always very stand-offish, wondering why I'm overreacting to seeing her.  I remember one dream where she drove by me in a car . . . I was SO excited . . . she literally just glared at me.  Finally, just the other night, I really stood up to Jori in my dream and she sort-of "came around" . . . she was very friendly and such.

Just this morning, my wife suggested that the anger that Jori shows toward me is really my anger toward her (for leaving me).  And - hopefully - this last 'episode' is a sign that I am coming to some type of forgiveness.  It's almost five years . . . I think it's time.

---------------

After five minutes I thought I would die
After five days I finally started to cry
Five months later I was still asking why
Now it's five years
Maybe it's time
To say goodbye

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