Messages

16

Child Loss / Re: can't sleep and I need to talk about this

« on: October 01, 2009, 01:05:06 PM »

I suppose we expect the things to remain unchanged so they'll be ready for our kids when they come back to us - another way we express our inability to accept that they won't come back. On the other hand, I am frustrated that the objects can continue to exist in this world and Jill can't.

It's only October, but I feel we are closing in on the end of the year, and then there will be another year, the first one that Jill will not see at all. It's a sad time of year, no getting around it.

My heart goes out to you, Terry.

with love, Kay, Jill's mom

17

Child Loss / Re: coroner's report

« on: October 01, 2009, 12:53:30 PM »

Thank you all a million times for your responses. I don't know where else I could get such good, heart-felt advice. You are the only ones who know what it's like to have to even contemplate having such a report to read. Today my husband and I took the report to Jill's psychiatrist, and he was able to explain it to us better because he knew her. He said there was no need for us to read it, and I believe him. My husband may look at the toxicology section, he isn't sure. For myself, I think I will remain satisfied with her doctor's explanation. Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond.

18

Child Loss / Re: Cowboy macaroni

« on: September 29, 2009, 07:38:46 PM »

I love this story. In some ways Dan is closer to you now than when he lived so far away.

19

Child Loss / coroner's report

« on: September 29, 2009, 05:02:17 PM »

My husband and I saw our family doctor yesterday. She had received Jill's autopsy report. She read it, and then she told us generally what it said. I don't know if either of us will be able to read it for ourselves. It has hit my husband particularly hard. Jill had taken some of his painkillers prescribed for his multiple sclerosis. I am not sure about this part, but I think what our doctor said was the levels were toxic but not very high, so I think that means that jill took the same pills as daddy without knowing that the amount would be lethal for her. The amounts my husband has to take would probably land anyone in the hospital or worse if they had never taken the drugs before. This is hard for both of us, but in one way it is something I can understand. I can understand Jill wanting to be like her dad and take his pills as though she had his disease. I can understand that better than just having her taken without any reason. It's a crummy reason, but at least it is a reason.

Has anyone here read their child's autopsy report? Should I read it? Should I let it be? I've gone with Jill through all the steps of her death, but I don't know it this is a step I should take.

Thanks for listening. I feel so sad. I feel so sorry for my little girl.

Kay, Jill's mom

20

Child Loss / Corey

« on: September 29, 2009, 04:44:22 PM »

Yes, people on this board will say Corey's name and ask about him and want to know him. It is such a comfort to have a place where our children are honored. I hope you post again with more about Corey.
with love, Kay Jill's mom

21

Child Loss / Re: Dominic - Son of KerryP ~ New member

« on: September 29, 2009, 04:41:04 PM »

Your sweet boy. He sounds like quite a fighter. Seven years is much too short. I'm so sorry. I hope you will be able to post your pictures soon.
with love, Kay Jill's mom

22

Child Loss / Re: A Memory

« on: September 22, 2009, 10:19:01 PM »

What a sweet memory. I would like to believe that our children are all around us, even now, every child we meet might be ours and we just don't recognize them for a moment, but they are here. They have to be.

23

Child Loss / Sara's mom

« on: September 21, 2009, 06:46:52 PM »

I could have written every word of your post - goodness knows I've felt every feeling. Losing your only child before she's even had a chance to experience her adult life, losing all her future and yours along with it, nothing makes sense any more. My first daughter died 25 years ago, and I vividly remember that feeling before the first anniversary of her death, feeling that it was going to happen again and feeling helpless to prevent it. Our little miracle girl was Jill, born three years after that. We had her for 21 1/2 years before she slipped away without warning, just went to bed healthy and never woke up. That was seven months ago, and each day gets harder. I went to your site for Sara, and it is so lovely. Thank you for sharing her.
with love, Kay (Jill's mom)

24

Child Loss / I should just stay home

« on: September 20, 2009, 06:00:24 PM »

It is just so painful to go out where people are going about their business so oblivious. I know, I know, why shouldn't they. But each time I go someplace that's not on my little round of safe places, at some point I realize I can scarcely breath. I flash back to the morning when I found my daughter. The contrast between their reality and mine is too much. I want so much to be just a plain old mom taking her daughter shopping. I miss her so much.
Kay, Jill's mom forever

25

Child Loss / Re: How old is your child in your mind?

« on: September 20, 2009, 05:21:47 PM »

I guess it's too soon for me to know. It's easy for me to think of her being 22 now that we've passed her birthday, but when her friends keep changing and aging and she can't, I don't know if I'll be able to think of her as any older.

26

Child Loss / Re: Fall down 7 times, get up 8

« on: September 13, 2009, 05:15:41 PM »

Dear Annie, I'm really sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Losing your garden and your dog is so sad. I sure don't blame you for having hard days. I know you've made it through a whole year, but that just seems to make it worse. I don't have any view from heaven, either. But whatever heaven is, I know our kids are there. my love to you -
Kay

27

Child Loss / Re: prayers needed

« on: September 12, 2009, 12:18:53 PM »

You are not alone. I don't know why family tries to shield the molester, but it is common. I have a friend in the same position as you, and the hurt just never heals. She is blamed, not the molester. Makes no sense. Sometimes the healing happens only after the parents have passed. Somehow, there can be transformation after death, and your relationship can change with your parents as they are transformed by God. I pray you can feel some peace. And you're right, why should Josh have died so young when he was so innocent.  None of this makes sense, does it.
with love, Kay Jill's mom

28

Child Loss / Re: Feeling So Hopeless

« on: September 10, 2009, 02:56:00 PM »

Annette,
My life ended that morning I found Jill, just as your life ended when Michael died. I don't know what this is now, but it is not our real lives. Like you, I don't want to kill myself, and I think it's because I already feel I died with her. I try to remember the hope held out by others on this board who say that life eventually called them back. In the meantime, I try to be positive and compassionate with the people in my life, and I avoid situations with people who didn't know Jill. 

It must be so hard to be your living son's mom when you don't feel like a mom. It's so hard to have to start all over again. I hope you can still connect with each other even though it's different.

with love, Kay


 

29

Child Loss / Re: Adam's "3" year Angel date (((Paula)))

« on: September 08, 2009, 02:37:13 PM »

Wishing you peaceful moments dear Paula,
your friend Kay (Jill's mom)

30

Child Loss / Re: I'm back

« on: September 05, 2009, 02:43:25 PM »

Rita, I'm so relieved to see you on the board again! I agree that time has not healed anything so far. Every new day is a new wound. I have read a number of posts from moms farther along, holding out the hope that one day life will call us back. Right now I can't imagine that.
with love, Kay Jill's mom