Topics

1

Child Loss / another

« on: October 30, 2009, 11:32:09 PM »

So many conversations with my friend Susan about her son and my daughter. Our kids were the same age, grew up together at our church, kept in touch after graduation. We worried so much about how they would grow up, if they would find their way, would they be able to overcome the obstacles in their lives. She has been by my side as I have grappled with the loss of Jill. Now, two days ago, the call came from a NY detective, her son had been found. Gone, by himself, 3000 miles from home, by his own hand. To have both of them gone in the same year is so unbelievable. I am doing what I can for her. It is so little compared to what she needs. She needs her son back. I just hate that she has to join this world.
with a heavy heart, Kay Jill's mom

2

Child Loss / Halloween

« on: October 17, 2009, 02:22:46 PM »

I thought I was OK with Halloween. It's been years since Jill was home for Halloween, so I don't expect her to be here. I enjoy the children in their costumes. Our church makes an offrenda, an altar in memory of the dead, so I know I will have a place to honor Jill.

Then, walking past the stores near us, the windows filled with decorations including jokey tombstones. I just don't find anything funny about graves right now. I thought immediately of all of you who have graves that you visit and are so special to you. I guess this just another example of the "simple statement" that Rebecca spoke of, just part of having to deal with a world that we're no longer a part of.

thinking of you all
Kay Jill's mom

3

Child Loss / a sign?

« on: October 12, 2009, 11:24:41 PM »

This happened a few days ago. I found a segment of a bracelet on the floor in the sunroom. A little picture of an angel. The thing is, Jill gave me the bracelet in the week before she died. It was one of those trinkets that she'd had from somewhere, maybe even from me, but she suddenly decided I needed a present, and she picked up the first thing she saw and came and gave it to me. "I got this for you Mommy." She was always doing that, with me and her friends. She just had to give away what she was given. So here it is, eight months after she's gone. The bracelet has been in the drawer of my nightstand. How did a piece of it get into another room? I feel she's reminding me that she's my angel, and I'm grateful. But bewildered!
Kay

4

Child Loss / coroner's report

« on: September 29, 2009, 05:02:17 PM »

My husband and I saw our family doctor yesterday. She had received Jill's autopsy report. She read it, and then she told us generally what it said. I don't know if either of us will be able to read it for ourselves. It has hit my husband particularly hard. Jill had taken some of his painkillers prescribed for his multiple sclerosis. I am not sure about this part, but I think what our doctor said was the levels were toxic but not very high, so I think that means that jill took the same pills as daddy without knowing that the amount would be lethal for her. The amounts my husband has to take would probably land anyone in the hospital or worse if they had never taken the drugs before. This is hard for both of us, but in one way it is something I can understand. I can understand Jill wanting to be like her dad and take his pills as though she had his disease. I can understand that better than just having her taken without any reason. It's a crummy reason, but at least it is a reason.

Has anyone here read their child's autopsy report? Should I read it? Should I let it be? I've gone with Jill through all the steps of her death, but I don't know it this is a step I should take.

Thanks for listening. I feel so sad. I feel so sorry for my little girl.

Kay, Jill's mom

5

Child Loss / I should just stay home

« on: September 20, 2009, 06:00:24 PM »

It is just so painful to go out where people are going about their business so oblivious. I know, I know, why shouldn't they. But each time I go someplace that's not on my little round of safe places, at some point I realize I can scarcely breath. I flash back to the morning when I found my daughter. The contrast between their reality and mine is too much. I want so much to be just a plain old mom taking her daughter shopping. I miss her so much.
Kay, Jill's mom forever

6

Child Loss / don't know what to say any more

« on: August 13, 2009, 05:58:14 PM »

I'm so tired. I keep moving along, but I am drained. I am still reading everyone's posts, but words have left me. Part of me screams that Jill is still alive, so what am I doing on a board for bereaved parents? Part of me can look at her casket of ashes and still believe she can come back. It's been so hard since her birthday in June. So, I'm still here, and I still need you all, and I will post when I can.
with love, Kay Jill's mom

7

Child Loss / Rita and Becca

« on: July 10, 2009, 10:48:16 PM »

Has anyone heard from Rita since Becca's birthday? I know Becca's first anniversary is next week, and I'm worried that I haven't seen any posts from her. This must be an awful month for her.
Kay, Jill's mom

8

Child Loss / 25 years

« on: July 02, 2009, 11:50:33 AM »

Today is the 25th year since we said goodbye to our firstborn, Lizzie. She was born prematurely with heart and lung defects, and her life was spent in the hospital enduring procedures and surgeries, but she still tried to smile when she saw us and loved to be held (along with the breathing tube, the feeding tube, the monitor leads...). We were completely blind to the possibility that she wouldn't grow up. We were being trained to take her home on oxygen, and I actually wept when I was told I would have to have nurses at night - I thought I could take care of her all by myself. When she died, she had just undergone open heart surgery and seemed to be recovering quickly, but an infection overwhelmed her. When the nurses took us in to her after resuscitation efforts stopped, I remember saying, "It's ok honey, you can come back now. Mommy's here." I truly believed I could call her back.

It's been a long time since the date of her death has been hard for me. The first year was a nightmare, like walking with heavy chains the whole month before. Since then, I concentrated on her birthday. When Jill's birthday turned out to be so close to the date of Lizzie's death, I let it go even more. But this year, even before Jill died, I found myself thinking more often of the time that has passed, and of course now with both of them gone, I can't help thinking of Lizzie too. 25th anniversaries are significant, I guess.

Love to you, Lizzie, have fun with your sister. We never forget you!

Kay, Jill and Lizzie's mom

9

Child Loss / Jill's 22nd birthday today

« on: June 29, 2009, 03:03:53 PM »

So hard to believe we are marking her birthday without her. But we have not been alone. Jill's best friends came over this morning to tell Jill stories with us, and they asked for a bit of her ashes to put in pendants they'd had made with her name inscribed. A friend of mine came to have lunch with me, and just now Jill's honorary big sister is here to keep us company. I also got this email from a friend who lives in London:

"I know that Jill's birthday will be another particularly difficult day in a year that has been filled with them. But a birthday needs to be celebrated. So for a celebration of her birth, Gethin and I have chosen to sponsor a room at Centrepoint in London to help homeless young people. Jill inspired this choice because of her kind heart and generous spirit."

I know all of this is because of the person Jill was to all who met her, and she continues to surround us with love.

Blow her a kiss for me -

with love, Kay

10

Child Loss / for Landon and Shelly

« on: June 01, 2009, 09:47:37 PM »

Shelly, I hope you have been okay on this bittersweet day. So much Landon should be doing here with you, and instead we just have to hope there's plenty of baseball in heaven. with love, Kay Jill's mom

11

Child Loss / messages from Jill

« on: June 01, 2009, 09:25:40 PM »

No, I don't get them, my husband does. Which is ironic, since I'm the one who believes in eternal life, and my husband is (was) convinced there's nothing after death. I figure it's just Jill messing with daddy's mind, but anyway, she's communicated a couple times very clearly to him. The first time really freaked him out, since he wasn't expecting anything of the sort. He felt her presence, and she let him know without words that she was worried we were mad at her for dying. He assured her we were sad, not mad, and then realized he was talking to her. The second time was this past week, and she wanted him to know she's content. Now, content was not something she did. She had an enormous personality that filled every room she was in, and she did big emotions. I just don't know how to take this. I didn't expect her to change, I guess. I think I'm glad she's content, but I don't really understand. Is she still my Jill? Is contentment what she was missing in her life? I'm confused.
with love, Kay Jill's mom

12

Child Loss / living child vs angel child - the no-win sibling rivalry

« on: May 25, 2009, 06:31:06 PM »

Hi all, there have been some posts on another thread about keeping our living children close to us while grieving for our angels, and I thought I would put my perspective on this in a new topic.

It never occurred to me and my husband that Jill, our second daughter who was born three years after her sister died, would ever feel jealous of a dead child. And yet, when we ended up in family therapy after years of struggling with our "spirited child," we found out that her work with the therapist was almost all about not being able to live up to the always perfect angel sibling. And here we thought we hardly ever talked about Lizzie! I think just having Lizzie's picture next to Jill's on our bureau was enough to remind her that we had a perfect angel who never got time outs, never got yelled at, never did one single thing wrong. What a burden for Jill to carry!

Loving Jill with all our hearts was not enough to heal her hurt. Thankfully, she worked through it in therapy. I can't say she ever lost her spirited nature, though  .

with love, Kay

13

Child Loss / getting better, feeling worse

« on: May 17, 2009, 04:14:18 PM »

I feel like there's two of me. I really am functioning better, but I keep feeling sadder at the same time. It was easier when my outside looked as awful as I felt inside. Now, people see a more normal me on the outside and think I'm feeling better. Hah. I was trying to explain this to a friend who's a wonderful trumpeter. He said it sounded like the way he felt about his trumpet. He keeps practicing, and he gets better, but the work keeps getting harder. I thought that sounded just about right. Getting better means being able to absorb more grief. It's just such hard work. with love, Kay (Jill's mom)

14

Child Loss / blocking out Mother's Day

« on: May 05, 2009, 03:15:18 PM »

On the phone with my sister last night, she was talking about having the families of both her daughters get together for Sunday. I was truly puzzled. We don't have any family birthdays in May, I thought. Then she said something about Mother's Day at her daughter's church, and I realized I had completely blocked out the holiday. I know I'm still a mom, but this year, I guess I can't even think about it. Reminds me of my first Mother's Day without my first born. A friend wrote to wish me a happy Mother's Day. I wrote back that it was hard to have a happy one when the most motherly thing I could do was visit my daughter's grave. She replied that she was deeply offended by my cruel response. Oh well. I wonder what people will say this year. Love to all here, Kay (Jill and Lizzie's mom)

15

Child Loss / why is time so slow

« on: April 25, 2009, 02:48:52 PM »

It's been only two months since my daughter died, and I feel like I've aged 20 years. I wish I were 20 years older so I'd be that much closer to seeing her again. I talk to her all the time, but I can't hear her voice. I take her everywhere with me so she can still see the places she loved through my eyes, but it's really nothing like having her beside me. When she was home, I couldn't walk through the room without her jumping up to give me a hug. No one can hug me the way she could. Jill - I love you sweet pea. Mom