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Messages - ladybug1984

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Sibling Loss / Happiest & Saddest Day of My Life
« on: August 31, 2009, 12:20:31 AM »
It's been only seven months since I lost my precious sister Jacquelyn. 

My wedding was a few weeks ago, and it was extremely difficult to get through, especially considering she was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids.  I wanted to cancel or postpone the wedding, but my parents were very much against that.  I felt somewhat forced into the decision...I put on a fake smile to get through all the necessary crap like finding a dress without her, picking out flowers without her, etc...and then I'd come home and cry.

We still had her bridesmaid bouquet made, and had it placed on a pedestal right before the ceremony, up front with the other girls.  Walking down the aisle, and seeing my future husband smiling made me so happy, and then looking at that bouquet, made me want to just burst into tears because I wanted her there so very badly and its not fair.

I still frequently get those, "let me call her to see what she's up to" moments... they're still really painful.

What I wouldn't see her smiling face again.

I'm glad that I got through this, for the sake of my husband and family, but at the same time, a big part of me didn't want to go through with it at all.  I just still feel like any sort of celebration is just so wrong and unnatural. 

I hope I made the right decision.

I love you, and miss you more than anything... and I hope that you were watching and there with us.

Sibling Loss / Re: Lost my brother 2 weeks ago
« on: May 17, 2009, 11:24:31 PM »
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine how painful it must have been to go through this ordeal. You are a very strong and stable person for being there for him and for your nephew. I think that you shouldn't go back to your job. They weren't there for you when you needed them, so they shouldn't expect anything less. You need some "you" time.  Try reading, taking a walk, exercising...doing normal stuff really helped me. But you do need some time to yourself, and you shouldn't have to worry about going to work. Work is supposed to support you in the bad times.  I lost my older sister on January 21st.  There is no magical pill that makes everything go away, but I can say with confidence that every passing day, the painfulness lessens, and each new day is a step back to normalcy. Just stay strong, and know that we are here to support you and going through the same thing. Take care.

Sibling Loss / Re: When will I stop being so angry?
« on: May 04, 2009, 06:29:28 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and troubles. 

I am having trouble cleaning out my sister's house as well.  But instead of people taking everything, none of my other siblings or parents seem too interested in helping me do this chore.  It's so hard to pack up all of my sister's belongings...everything still smells like her.

You're grieving now, and it's completely natural for feelings of anger to be brought up, especially for your dad.  But I think your mom and other brother are right, take time to settle down and maybe when the time is right, approach your father about all the hard feelings you have.  I think saying them face to face will have way more of an impact than sending an email, because that way he can't hide behind a computer screen or phone line, he has to face the truth.

Take care, give your little nephew a hug every day, he carries a piece of your brother with him always.

Sibling Loss / Re: My sweet Sister
« on: March 30, 2009, 07:31:36 AM »

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.  I'm sure your sister knows how much you love her.  Sometimes we forget to say stuff like "I love you" on a regular basis, but with just know.  I'm sure that you miss her a lot.  Try thinking of all the good times you had with her and the nice things about her...that has really helped me when I think about my sweet sister.

Sibling Loss / Re: My sister, I'm still so sad - 4 months 13 days
« on: March 30, 2009, 07:26:36 AM »
Your sister Deb sounds like a wonderful person.  You are right, our siblings are a gift to be treasured and when they are taken from us, it's very painful.  But, some people only need so much time on this earth to touch others with their kindness, and leave their impression on so many lives. 

I lost my older sister Jackie on January 21st.  She too was like a second mother to me because she was so much older than me.  She did so many positive and uplifting things in her 37 years, I don't even know how I could even begin to start comparing to her legacy.

Just know that you aren't alone, we are all in this together.  Take care.

Sibling Loss / Hard Days
« on: March 07, 2009, 06:29:20 PM »
Today I went with my mother and older sister to purchase my wedding dress for my August 8th wedding.  I feel like it's going to be impossible to be happy with my precious sister Jackie not being there.  She was more excited about this wedding than I was.  She was my helper and planner, and it felt like there was a huge piece of me missing today.  I hope she would like the dress I picked.  I still cannot imagine her not being there by my side in front of the church, in her pretty bridesmaid dress with her tiny little size 5 feet.  I just hurt so badly today, and I tried my best to hide it from my mom and sister.  My consultant probably thought we were psychos because we kept crying.  It's because she wasn't there, and she wanted to be so badly.  This is just so painful, and I really didn't want to go forward with the wedding.  But my parents, fiance, and other siblings do.  I just feel pushed or pressured into it.  She's been gone 1 month and fourteen days.

Sibling Loss / Re: I miss my brother
« on: February 15, 2009, 09:11:29 PM »
Hello Nick.  I'm so sorry about your loss.  I can imagine that driving past that crash site is very painful.  I lost my older sister on January 21st, and I still haven't been able to go in her house and see where she was sick and alone.  So, to me you are very brave for facing that painful place.  Hopefully someday I can be that brave.

My younger sis works for a city Department of Transportation, and at times, memorials, signs, and things of that nature can be removed if the DOT determines that it's a risk to drivers, such as if it is a visual obstacle.  Or, it could have been something like a grass cutting crew or brush trimming.  Whoever it was, I wish they had a bit more respect and put it back if it was in their way or something.  I would check with your local DOT if it's alright to put a memorial marker there near the road.  And hopefully next time it will stay there permanently.  My heart and prayers are with you.

Sibling Loss / Re: My Precious Sister
« on: February 02, 2009, 12:30:20 AM »
Thank you luvinmike, jeanneb, and laurene for your comments. I'm taking each day at a time. I'm still very tired and not sleeping very well. I'm having thoughts about maybe going to the doctor. I'm not sure what it will do but I'm almost falling asleep behind the wheel, while eating meals, etc.

I am a manager at a movie theatre, and Jackie and I would always watch movies on my days off.  The Wednesday after my brother found her, we were supposed to go see Underworld...she loved the Underworld movies, even though I wasn't too fond of them.  But, it was her turn to pick.  It just ruins me to have to walk past that auditorium with Underworld in it almost 15 times a day.  I think I will do much better once it leaves theatres, because it's a constant reminder.

I hope that you are all doing well and once again thank you for the comments and support.

Sibling Loss / My Precious Sister
« on: January 27, 2009, 10:25:02 PM »
One week ago, I lost my older sister Jacquelyn Marie.  She was just 37 years old.  She was diagnosed with Leukemia at a year old, and beat it with chemotherapy and radiation treatment.  At age 13, she was in a terrible car accident that severed her right arm from her body.  She recovered and maintained partial use of the re-attached limb.  From a blood transfusion received during the accident in the 1980s, she contracted Hepatitis C and has been living with it ever since. 

Last week Tuesday, my precious sister was taken away from me because of pneumonia that turned in to Meningitis.  I can't do anything without thinking of her and bursting into tears and yearning to see her face and give her a hug.  I can't imagine my life without her.  I cannot imagine being happy without ever seeing her again.  I'm so angry at myself that I didn't just randomly pop in to her house to check on her, or that I haven't been spending as much time with her due to a recent promotion at work.  I don't think the guiltiness will ever go away for the rest of my life.

She had been helping me plan my upcoming wedding that was scheduled for August.  She was so excited, she helped me pick out almost everything.  She was like a second mother to me because of our 13 year age difference.

My sister fought for her life and was the bravest person I know.  I just refuse to accept that she couldn't make it through this...she lived through so many worse things.  Why didn't I check on her?

I returned to work yesterday.  I would be knee deep in a spreadsheet, and then randomly think "I wonder what Jackie is doing for dinner tonight."  I'd immediately realize that she's no longer here and burst into tears.

Jackie was very talented at hand making jewelry, in spite of her disability.  My favorite piece was a glass ladybug bracelet she made me.  The night before her funeral at about 2am, I was looking up Meningitis on the internet and a ladybug landed on my hand.  I put it on the window ledge.  I told my parents the story the next day.  Two days later, at church, my dad nudged me really hard and nodded his head at the pew in front of us, and a ladybug was crawling across the top.  I've never been a really religious person like my sister was, but I believe it was her or controlled by her.

When will I accept what has happened?  Is this normal?  It's almost as if I forget what has happened.  I do this at least five times a day.  I feel so foolish and lost.  I can only sleep for about 3 hours at a time.  In my heart, I know she's gone...but it seems that my mind keeps playing tricks on me.  Could I be doing this because of lack of sleep?

I'm going to miss her so much.  My life will never be the same without her.

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