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Messages - Michelle C

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46
Main / Re: Tomorrow...
« on: February 14, 2009, 07:43:59 PM »
Thank God for work.... I just got in... my girlfriend talked me into going to the gym.. So happy I did... It got me away from it all.. Now back home to nothing... So tired of this... I am empty and I am scared. V-day was never important to me... So whenever I see a couple happy I am now jealous and upset.... I want everybody to be  UNHAPPY b/cuz i am... selfish right now.. sorry... kids fighting now... tired of this

47
Main / Tomorrow...
« on: February 13, 2009, 08:06:46 PM »
I know that tomorrow will be rough on all of us... I am praying that we all make it through...

Like I told Ray.. We all have been blessed sooo much... We all know what real love feels like... Alot of ppl don't get that chance...

So I am going to remember all of the good times... And wrap my heart with all of the words that Clarence left me with...

Lots of prayers and hugs for everybody...

Michelle

48
Main / Re: my wedding anniversary
« on: February 13, 2009, 06:48:04 PM »
Debbie...

I will be sending God a special prayer for u and I will be sending u a big hug...I went and put flowers on Clarence's grave today... Been there twice (since they laid him to rest) U can make it through... Just remember the good times..

Thinking of u

49
Main / Re: More hospital bills
« on: February 11, 2009, 09:55:27 PM »
Jap Jr's - Kay...  I am with u.. I want my old normal life back too.


Friedgen... so sorry that u have to deal with that "stuff"... I too got a medical bill today.... So sorry charlie... Im not paying nothing.. His kid wanted everything. that includes the bills too.. I am forwarding them on to him

Terri... U made me laugh...Thank God u two are doing ok...

Hopefully tomorrow is a good day!!! We all could use some laughter

50
Main / Re: Finally laughter
« on: February 11, 2009, 09:42:21 PM »
sooo happy to hear that u are finding laughter... U have helped me so much!!! Hope u and ur kids have many more good days.

51
Main / right now....
« on: February 09, 2009, 10:48:00 AM »
Right now... I am soooo sad. I want my life back.. It's not fair... I just dont understand why... I cant sleep... I dont want to go to work... all i do is cry... Im really no good to nobody right now... I hate my life... I wish i could have left with him... i feel bad for my kids... I feel like a stalker.. all if do is stare at his pictures.. write in my book... look at this site... I dont know where to go.. who to turn to... my helper is gone...wish i could go back and fix this...to love the hurt away... I have a mountain of pictures all over my room... I think I am going crazy...Praying for peace...

52
Main / Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« on: February 07, 2009, 10:13:02 PM »
I dont blame patty for being scared...lol I was scared out here in Sacramento so I can imagine out there.... But I did it and I loved it...

Thank you... I thought he was pretty good looking too :) Do put some pictures of patty up.. i would love to see your sunshine

Valentines Day :-X will not be mentioned around my house this year... One of my good friends lost her husband to kidney cancer 2 years ago... I think we are going to go to the movies or something together that day... I too have to work that day... But we both know, going to work doesnt help much... The loss is still there...

I too pray for all of us... I have never felt this type of pain before.. it NEVER goes away...

yes..we must keep in contact.. the next few years will be rough (and different)  but like u said hopefully we will be at peace with it all...

53
Main / Re: I need some input to my situation
« on: February 07, 2009, 11:07:48 AM »
Debbie..
I really thought I was the only one with this problem...
My boss told me to pack up his stuff up...
And move on and it was only a month yesterday...
and he told me this a couple of weeks ago...
Everything his greedy son didnt get ahold of I still have out...
I did not let him in my house... He didn't come before he died so why whould I let him after he died???
His two work shirts are still hanging up behind my door...
His jeans that he had on is still on the chair by the bed...
His toothbrush is still in his bag... that is sitting in the same spot...
I put the clothes that he wore to the hospital that day beside my bed...
I smell them all...
I look through the pockets...
I have kept stuff that would mean nothing to other ppl but are important to me... like receipts to stores that we went to right before he passed...
I still have the water bottle that he left in my car...
I sleep with his blanket and pillow that he kept at work... He worked the 3rd shift...

keep everything for however long u need to...
I wished I would have been able to keep his clothes but his son hurried up and grabbed all that...along with cell phone... wallet... motorcycle...

I wonder if he would like all of the bills too???


54
Main / Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« on: February 06, 2009, 09:54:17 PM »
I can understand what youre going through...

Did Patty ride with you?? Clarence loved it so much that he finally talked me into riding with him... I am so happy that I did. We had so much fun together on that bike... I am sure that he would have loved to talk to you about bikes... I wish u could have met him...And believe me if you would have asked us to come and visit... We would have been there..lol
We had two trips planned for this year... time stole that away from us..
Was thinking that maybe I will learn how to ride.. not sure yet. I trusted him to drive me around...

Sad day today... one month ago he left us...I want him back.




55
Main / Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« on: February 06, 2009, 09:11:54 AM »
RAY... I am crying for u..

They used the words: Will stop it from growing... Will shrink the tumor.. Will stop the blood flow.. NOTHING helped!! In the end after only 4 months... It was over!!

Was that the number one cause for your wife? The tumor itself??? b/cuz it was the gastrointestinal bleeding that claimed Clarence..

Clarence didn't have to go into the hospital (except for that day).. We were at home the entire time.. As it progressed...His pain got worse and our late nights seemed to increase... I was on vacation the last 3 weeks of his life.. (thank God) but up into then I worked.. Only good thing is I am less then 5 mins from my job and my hours are really early 430am-130pm.. Many of those days I went to work with little or no sleep...coming home at lunch time and straight home after work (not complaining I would do it over and over and over again..if I could) He used to say my baby is tough.. She's been up all night and still went to work.. He would actually be trying to rub my back.. while he was in pain.. I thought he was the tough one.. dealing with his selfish kids and trying to act strong to mine..

His son also works 5 mins from my house... U would think that he would come and check up on his dad... NO NO NO... but before Clarence was even gone.. He wanted his cell phone (at the hospital).. That is amazing to me. If someone cared for one of my parents.. I would be thankful.. even if I didnt like that person I would be respectful...I guess everyone is different... I figure they are upset b/cuz Clarence didnt want to go and live with them after he found out he was dying (and I even told him that I would understand if he wanted to be around his grandchild more)... Clarence said NO.. and the other thing that bugs me is: they keep saying his family this... his family that.. I finally had to tell him I was his family... I wanted to scream his only family!!! sorry to vent.. bad day today..

56
Main / Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« on: February 06, 2009, 08:42:00 AM »
Today marks a whole month I have been without Clarence..  :'( I wouldn't have made without my faith and you all...I too (at times) feel like I would be better off if God would just "take me too"... I woke up at 530 am and began to relive that day again.. That was around the same time that they took him up to ICU..When things started "to take a turn for the worst" as they put it..I totally understand when u say, enough is enough.. But then in the back of my mind.. I can hear Clarence saying, "this too shall pass" (one of his many quotes).. And I try to imagine what Clarence must have been thinking in his final days and I go back to the same two book in the bible:

Psalm 6: 6-7...
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes

and Psalm 16:5-6
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I struggle everyday and at times I can not see a way out..But I believe in God's word and his words never lie.. He said that he will be with us even to the end...I hope this helped.. it helped me.. Just by writing it... I gotta keep going.. I gotta.. I gotta.. I gotta..Clarence wouldn't want me to be crumble up and die.. He would want me to keep going..He prepared me for this very thing..All he was worried about was if I would make it to heaven to see him again..And I promised him I would..So I shall keep pressing on and seeking God and at the end of this life.. I will see God and Clarence standing there waiting for me.. Saying Good Job Michelle.. Good Job!!!

57
Main / Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« on: February 04, 2009, 04:21:00 PM »
Finally went to get Clarence's death cert yesterday.... soooo very hard to believe that its really over....in my mind, as long as I didn't have that paper.. just maybe I would wake up from this.....
They stated that the number one cause of death was gastrointestinal bleeding and the second cause was the liver tumor. So many questions: He died at the hospital that his doctor is located at for his gastrointestianal bleeding.. why didn't that doctor come up and try to fix it!!!!! He didn't even peep his head in the door to say anything to me about anything. Infact his cancer doctor called me on the phone to explain everything to me and to see if I fully understood that Clarence was leaving us... And at that point all I could do is say "yeah I think and how much longer do I have with him".... He said today.. if lucky tomorrow morning.. Of course it was that evening....
and why did they put a tube down his throat if his veins were weak???

I am Confused and Upset...

and then to top it off.. his son gave false information on the death cert... Before Clarence died his son stated that he thought his mom should get some insurance money...When Clarence mentioned this to me.. All I could say was... "Would by me giving up EVERYTHING prolong your life? cuz if so they can have it all"... I am by no means selfish...so what did his son do... he lied and said that they were still married... B/S...Not sure what he thought that would do but HR said that u can leave ur money to whomever u want to... Instead attacking me.. They should be thanking me for taking care of their father without any help from them!! Not one visit.. Not one phone call.. Not even a text or email... but as soon as he died...gotta text the next morning asking me if me and their dad married and if so when... They wanted his stuff... Couldn't even bury him first... couldn't even let me mourn... no peace... I told them that they are not transfering their guilt onto my back b/cuz I gave my all... I have done my best... I loved their Father!!!

58
Main / Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« on: January 29, 2009, 09:56:00 PM »
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive a new blessing.  Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

59
Main / Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« on: January 29, 2009, 09:55:16 PM »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive a new blessing.  Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

60
Main / Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« on: January 29, 2009, 08:31:19 PM »
Jap Jr... I couldn't have said it better... The outside world is moving on... and we are still here in the same place that we were at on that dreadful day...I replay it and replay it a thousand times in my head.. I kiss the picture on the way out the garage... Today was the first day I can honestly say that I felt "alright"... I have been back to work since last tuesday... I hated to go but now I am happy I can get out of this empty house... When I came home yesterday I could smell him in my room... I almost lost it!!! I wish there was a magic pill that we could take... I would take the whole bottle... stay strong and keep writing.. it makes me feel better

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