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Messages - Michelle C

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31
Main / Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« on: March 03, 2009, 06:34:44 PM »
Just 8 weeks ago...
Just 8 Tuesday's ago...
Just 55 days, 20 hours and 50 mins ago...

I was sitting in a hospital room whispering in Clarence's ear that it was ok for him to leave us and that one day we will be together again....

I was sitting there trying to hold my breath to match his breathing...
One breath... 17 seconds...
Another breath.... 20 seconds...

Until there was no more inhales or exhales..
Until there was no more Pulse..
Until there was no more Clarence...

I lifted him up and I gave him a kiss and I told him good-bye.. All the time thinking is this it??? Is this really it??? My Clarence is really gone???

How quickly did our life change... Just 24 hours earlier we were at home... enjoying the night...Then BOOM... the world began to spin... Spinning and Spinning to the out of control point... At times when I think I have it all under control...At times I feel like I have a handle on all of this... And then something happens and I break down and I realize that I am still in that hospital room... I am still holding his hand... I am still feeding him ice chips... trying to act like everything will work out... I didnt have the guts to tell him that the home he was talking about going to was not ours... it was God's.. Wondering if he already knew that he was leaving this life... As he slipped away something in me left too. My dreams... My hope... My sunshine... My friend... My partner... My lover... My man...

How I hurt right now... How I pray for peace... How I pray for just one good day... How I want my life back...


32
Main / Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« on: March 02, 2009, 04:02:15 PM »
Ray (and to everyone else)...

U know that my heart breaks for you... Clarence once told me that memories are in the heart... not in the place. I didn't agree with him then but I do now... Nothing can take his love away from me.. and Nothing can take Patty's from you....Not those selfish children... Not a heartless in-law not even a greedy brother or sister. Those dreams were ours... Those tears were ours... Every good time.. Every bad time.. belongs to us... and only US.

In the hospital his son, who did not visit him here while he was sick, wanted his cell phone.... the very next day wanted his motorcycle... before his wake... he wanted his clothes...   I gave him the "stuff" he wanted because he will never replace his dad by holding onto a piece of clothing...

I was holding his hand in the middle of night... I was rubbing his stomach when he was in pain... I was drying his tears when he was praying for some release...

So you see...
No matter where we go... no matter what path we go down...
Even in a new house...

In the back of our mind... In the middle of our thoughts.... In a phrase or a song... our love ones are there... Never leaving... Patty's there Ray




33
Main / Re: Pain and loneliness: Does it get better??
« on: March 02, 2009, 03:38:54 PM »
Betty....

I am so sorry for your loss... 46 years together is a life-time of memories.. Hold on to them and try to let that help you through the hard times...

Tomorrow it will be 8 weeks since Clarence left me  :'( and I was with him when he took in his last breath... It is something that I will NEVER forget... He passed away from Liver cancer on 01/06/2009...

What has helped??? My new friends on this site.. so please keep coming back..

34
Main / Re: Mommy
« on: March 01, 2009, 08:28:09 AM »
tinkabelle....

Please do not blame yourself... You have NO control over life or death... I fuss at my kids and get fussed at by my mom (and I'm 40)... ALL the time!! Thats all part of being a parend and/or child... and it doesn't take away the love I have for them or them for me... (make sense?)

I too have lost a parent (my dad) and it was very difficult to deal with... I was young (22) and I was very sad for a long, long time. I just tried to remember the good times and everything that he taught me... And I hope that you can do the same... Talking to us, friends and family... will help you sooo much. It has me... It's normal to want to be close to your lost family member... so if sleeping with her stuff makes u feel better... then that's ok...

I will be thinking about you...

Hugs and prayers

Michelle

35
Main / Re: I'm so lost
« on: February 27, 2009, 06:36:51 PM »
Esmtrs...
Soooo sorry for your loss... My Clarence passed away on 01/06/2009... He was only 58... 10 WONDERFUL years with him... We all understand your pain... Keep coming here... It has helped me so very much... I have a new set of friends that understand everything that I am going through... Hang in there sis...

36
Main / Re: Please pray for me; blood work came back
« on: February 24, 2009, 07:18:24 PM »
Carrie.. just wondering how today went... let me know

Big hugs and prayers out to everyone

37
Main / Re: Please pray for me; blood work came back
« on: February 23, 2009, 08:02:10 PM »
Carrie...

We are going to claim right now(In the MIGHTY name of Jesus).... that everything WILL be ok... Tomorrow the news will be simple... and your worries will be over... Try to get some rest tonight and I will be waiting to hear from you tomorrow..

Hugs and prayers to you and to everyone reading this post
Michelle

38
Main / Re: A poem: Today by Lyndie Sorenson
« on: February 23, 2009, 07:35:48 PM »
Kay-Jap Jr's.... Here's your hug ((((Kay))))... I cant replace Jim.. but here's one for friendship!!!

Although "we" are not the author of this poem, we all understand her pain.

Everyday is the same..
Nothing changes the pain..
The void is still there...
His side is still empty...
My heart is still crying..
No day is better...
Time is healing my wounds...
Wish I could have held is hand and left with him...
Depressed and confused...
How could life just go on...
Wondering if the sun will ever shine again...
Missing his touch..
Longing for his kiss...
His sweet words in the night...
How I took that all for granted...
Oh, we will have more time...
Then time runs out...
Mad at  the world...
Mad at him at times...
Mad at myself...
Wish I could hold his face one more time...
life is unfair...
we did get the raw end of the deal...
I am upset with life...
Time is equally to blame...

I could go on and on and on...


But....
God knows when its time...
God knows when enough is enough (even when we don't want to give up)
God knows when to call his children home...
God knows when your load is getting heavy..
He doesn't make mistakes..

In ICU after the doctor explained to me that Clarence was going to pass... He asked me if Clarence would be ok... and I said YES... Clarence knows GOD.. And I just remind myself of that everyday...

Hugs and prayers out to everyone.. May we all have a better day tomorrow

39
Main / A poem: Today by Lyndie Sorenson
« on: February 22, 2009, 12:02:01 AM »
TODAY
by Lyndie Sorenson
Today it hurt like yesterday...
tomorrow will be the same
Only the day and date will change...
the rest will all remain.

When someone asks me how I am...
or what it is I do?
The answer to those questions are...
I wish I were with you.

There is no way to explain this pain...
or how it is I feel
I try to get up every day...
and somehow try to deal.

Although it seems as if I'm fine ...
I've learned how to just hide
I place a mask upon my face...
and keep it deep inside.

I cry when no one is around...
can't face what they might say
I have heard so many hurtful words...
I have felt so very betrayed.

They think time heals everything...
but that just is not true
I know I will not heal...
being left here without you.

Each morning when I wake up...
the sorrow is still here
I wish this was some big mistake...
that I have lived for years.

All I have are pictures ...
and my many memories
That often are so painful...
that never will be eased.

I long to have you back with me...
but know it won't come true
I will never have that life again...
that life with me and you.

40
Main / Re: A LETTER TO LIFE
« on: February 18, 2009, 08:41:25 PM »
Wonderful poem... Needed u today.. Thanks

41
Main / Re: Another Bad Day
« on: February 17, 2009, 08:28:44 PM »
Ray... I am sooooo sorry for u. I know how much u love patty.....


and remember the "stuff" you have to move without will NEVER measure up to the love you have in your heart...

Be strong...

Prayers and hugs to you all

Michelle

42
Main / I wish you enough....
« on: February 16, 2009, 10:09:49 AM »
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'.

The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'.


They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this forever good-bye?'

'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means? '.

She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough', we want the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. 

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.

To all my friends , acqaintances and loved ones ,
I WISH YOU ENOUGH
 
Not sure who wrote this... but I wish u all enough...

love, hugs, and prayers'''

 
 
 
 
 

43
Main / Re: Website for Boo
« on: February 15, 2009, 07:24:07 PM »
Just like Ray.. I am new to this site.. so I had to go back and look u up.. what a nice page... thanks for sharing it with us

44
Main / Re: God's Valentine's Day Message for all of us today
« on: February 14, 2009, 07:59:34 PM »
I needed u... thanks

45
Gotta agree with Georgia..... ensure and banana's for u young lady... Take them until u get in to see the dr...

Next tuesday... It will be 6 weeks... I counted this morning and it's been 39 days... Can I go back please??? At times it seems like just yesterday and then at other times it seems like it happened a long time ago... Dont know if it is sinking in yet.. still look for his green car when I turn the corner...

thanks for listening...

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