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Topics - Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Child Loss / A wave of sadness
« on: January 07, 2009, 08:51:21 PM »
By late afternoon today I was noticebly sad. I didn't realize that I was wearing a depressed look until a coworker asked if i was depressed/sad today. By the time the end of the workday ended and I was on my way home I burst into tears. I have been dragging ever since. I feel a depth of inner sadness today over Adam that is different from the usual sadness of other days. I guess this is part of the roller coaster of emotions. I felt so uneasy I was concerned that it was a premonition of something untoward going to happen to someone in my family. I have a son traveling in Egypt which is a kind of a scary place to be hanging out, my daughter is not home...I don't want to project doom and gloom but I just feel uncomfortable. I hope....listen to this, I hope it is just the that isnt enough, but y'all know what I mean. I don't want the feeling to be fortelling of something else awful to come. Do you all get these extra down down here and there and how do you all ride them out? I needed to take 1/2 of a sedative tonight. Are you all extra scared of something happening to others who are very near & dear to you?

Child Loss / Is Moving On From Grief Leaving our Angels Behind?
« on: January 06, 2009, 05:13:12 AM »
I vowed that I would never forget Adam. I would think about him every minute of every day. I would not take a step forward in life without bringing him along. It dawned on me yesterday and it made me feel sad, disloyal, hurt and confused that the way I am accomplishing this is not to keep Adam in focus 24/7. If I keep foremost in my mind that he is dead, recall in fine detail the moment I learned he died, the wake, the funeral, the Tsunami of grief waves that immediately followed I am crippled once again. If I choose to pull a mental curtain over those unbearable memories & only allow, like a turtle, emerging bits & pieces of the body from it's protective covering of it's shell I can at times control the flow of emotions and engage in life.
Is there another way to do this? Ride this horrible scary out of control roller coaster ride of reality and grief and learn to live again while a part of you wants to be dead and out of this miserable existence of life without your child? How does one reconcile the fact of staying alive and wanting to die? I went from absolutely, wanting to die, then wanting to live for my other children and spouse? I feel that I have abandoned Adam.

Child Loss / Saying Goodbye to 2008 & Welcoming In 2009
« on: December 31, 2008, 03:41:58 PM »
Good evening Brothers & Sisters In Grief.
In a couple of hours Craig & I will be driving to a New Years Eve house party.
It looks very pretty outside as fat snowflakes started falling early this morn. To me, one of the prettiest sights is that of landscapes glistening with fresh fallen snow. It adds to the ambiance of what a winter holiday looks and feels like.
As another year closes and another holiday gathering to participate I wrestle with the Ying & Yang pull inside of me.
How can I put myself into a situation of merriment when my merriment died when Adam drew his last breath on Sept. 6th 2006?
I am under the belief that trying to resume old activities with friends will be good for Craig & I. It is not off to a good start. Craig called in sick today to work and has spent a fair amount of time in bed. He does not participate in therapies and his emotions come out on his body. I hear him up and about now and he is seemingly going about getting ready for this evening. Up until a moment ago I wasn't quite sure how this would go.
2008 was a tumultuous year. The second year since Adam left us, very different from the first in many ways. The realization that Adam is truly not coming back. Our 33 year marriage straining at it's seams as we metamorphose into Parents Who Lost A Child. I see what the ravages of grief has done to Craig; physically and emotionally. My man with a bounce in his step slowly trudges along like a broken, elderly, frail man. I, finally free of the confines of multiple psychotropic meds that was to prevent me from another suicide attempt feels the harsh brunt pain of grief ever clearer and at the same time able to wash the cobwebs out of my mind and start to engage in life.
A part of me wants to sleep in 2009, not bother to primp and get myself together for tonight. I know that there will be many loving, compassionate and all very fortunate (parents who do not have a child who died) friends there tonight that will extend truly caring open arms to us. They will be pleased that we made the effort to join them and will do as much as they can in their limited ways (because they do not know how it is-THANK G-D!) to give us an extra hug or to stand by us while we shed our tears.
There is this anxiety of feeling like we don't belong anywhere anymore. Our feelings and grief are our constant companions. I am trying to embrace them as I know that I cannot leave them behind. They now have a permanent residence in my body. I have been studying the mindfulness meditation practice. I am new to it so I cannot say for certain that it is helpful although doing something is far more helpful than doing nothing and letting the abyss of grief fold it's dark wings around and cocoon me from the light (the light being belief, knowledge, acceptance and faith).
I don't know what you are all planning to do tonight as 2008 is in it's final hours and we usher 2009 in. I hope that whatever you choose to do you are at peace with yourself. My thoughts will be with you all and our Angel children tonight especially at the stroke of midnight.
Sending my very best positive thoughts to all and to Heaven. I hope that Heaven throws a bright and beautiful New Years Eve celebration and we all feel signs and the love of our babies tonight!
XO Paula XO


Child Loss / Mixed feelings and wondering how you all feel about it
« on: December 27, 2008, 01:09:45 PM »
This December holiday season was the 3rd one without our Adam. I could sense a difference in my ability to grieve for Adam and to participate in the season. It started around Thanksgiving time when my nephew called to ask if I was gong to have my annual Chanukah brunch as he was saving a Sun. date that he thought might be the date that I would pick.
You see I am the one in the family that hosts all of the holidays for my Jewish relatives. They come whenever invited and never reciprocate the holiday invite. I did not host the Jewish New Year in 09/06 because Adam had left us just a few weeks prior. I was upset that my extended family members who would come over to my house for the Jewish holidays did nothing when I did not host it. They did this one other time when an incident with Adam left me without the emotional strength to have Passover at my house. I wanted and needed it for some semblance of normalcy, just at one of their homes. I desperately want them to acknowledge us and to show their support. Since 09/06 I've been upset with my extended family thinking that if I don't do the holiday then no one does. Now I know that I am expecting people to read my mind and know what I need. I would prefer to think that my family felt awkward & insecure in not knowing what to do. I have a strong desire to let go of the negativity and move into the future with positive thought.
I was convinced that to prove my other children even though I was heartbroken over losing their brother that they still meant the world to me. If I continued on with the holiday get-to-gethers they would see that. In 2006, shortly after losing Adam, Craig & I hosted Thanksgiving, Chanukah and Christmas. The following year I went back to hosting all. It was & still is, so difficult to do. It is a choice that I make in the belief that it is healing for my husband and children. Craig thinks that he would prefer to go away or just sleep the day away, but he gets on board with me. I need to prove to myself that I still can Mother (after all if I was a good Mother I would not have a child that died from an overdose & another child self-destructing) & a good Mother has the holidays at her house. Well, we all know my story and what had transpired and what continues ......but there was a turning point this year that shocked me. I was able to plan, shop and entertain with a level of discomfort that did not compare to the last two years. Now I feel a lot of inner turmoil. Is it the crash after trying to engage in life again? It doesn't seem right, especially for a Mother, that in just a mere two years plus time that I should be able to function at all in life without my Adam. What sort of Mom am I that I can do this? My son, whom I adore and long for ... how shameful it is that I can plan holiday dates, shop for gifts. do all this when my son's life ended on 09/06/06?  I hate it and there is a reason that a Mother like me loses a child. How can I want to escape and claw my way out of the depths of emotional hell yet after my 01/07 incident I feel a need to be there for my husband and surviving children. It's been a lot of hard work and therapy for me to get to this moment in time. I started to feel that in order to do right by them I need to engage in life.  I loved seeing my youngest enjoy opening up his presents and when Josh crunches up his nose and smiles in a certain way I see my Adam. I hope that this isn't taking anything away from Josh when I say that I believe when Josh flashes "Adam's smile" that it is Adam channeling through to me. I just love it! I also think that Josh enjoyed seeing his Mom better composed and I imagine it must be a bit of a relief to him. As a child growing up with his brother's addictions, the turmoil, losing his sibling, the ongoing emotional aftermath of being the one to save your Mom from her suicide attack, Kaitlin's ongoing saga, etc. etc. this had to be enormous for him. I feel that I owe so much to my Josh. I owe him stability, to never have to same his Mom from her foolish actions again, and to once again parent him, wiser than before. Josh relayed a memory that he had of Adam when he opened one of his gifts; the board game Monopoly. He recalled the fun, & numerous times that Adam fresh out of rehab, would play Monopoly with him and his friend Tony and cook them lunch. I could see that Josh was pleased with this fond memory and I was so pleased that he had it and shared. It would be nice to think that perhaps Adam somehow nudged me along with that choice of gift for his brother. Leading up to the holidays and throughout, my husband was a puddle of tears (how much of this is compounded by our daughter's issues-I would think a lot!) my eldest keeping in his quiet ways and my daughter...doing her own thing. Funny thing about Kate is that she is the most verbal about missing Adam out of all my children. My family is not comfortable going to the cemetary which is something that I feel a need to do and it is especially important to me that we go as a family to Adam, especially on occasions when we would have all normally been together (Adam's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc). His Dad & I decorated his resting place with an evergreen blanket decorated for Christmas and Chanukkah. Each day of Chanukkah I bring a menorah to him and light the Chanukkah candles. Starting with Adam's 1st Heavenly Hanukkah, Adam almost always lets me know that he is there with us. The candles get blown out by the wind and then truly in keeping with the Miracle of Lights, they rekindle and blaze anew. Adam always loved the tradition and especially enjoyed his turn to light the Menorah. I believe that he is letting us know that he is with us and is pleased to be continuing to share this tradition with us.  I don't recall if the other children saw this prior to Christmas Day. I was so happy to see it happen with them present and felt that Adam was sharing his love and joy for all us.
My in-laws had a tradition of having the family over their house on Christmas Day. Ten years ago my FIL's brother has been generous and gracious to host a family celebration that extends to the entire group of us including extended family members and significant other's of the children. Until my in-laws passed they had their children and grandchildren over to their house for hor d'ourves, cocktails and gift exchanging prior to attending the big party. It gave my in-laws pleasure to have us all together. This is the 1st year w/o my MIL (2/2008; Dad passed in 2004). I invited Craig's siblings and their families over to my house Christmas Day. I hoped to honor my husband's folks by keeping their tradition going. On Christmas Day I caught glimpses of my late Father-in-law's smiling face, feeling as if he approved and was encouraging me to continue.
I had similar feelings about Adam as well. When Adam was 18 and about to go off to college he enjoyed Brittney Spears. I awoke to one of her latest pop songs playing in my head this morn and felt that was a sign from Adam. I truly believe that there is no such thing as coincidence. I think that besides from Adam liking her at age 18 that the other message was that she reinvented herself and came back stronger than before and perhaps that was his message to me.
I also recall listening politely to a dreadful conversation by an blissfully ignorant man telling me that Adam is in the past, I need to leave him behind and move forward. BTW: I would never be so polite again as to sit there in uncomfortable silence and be shouting inside NO!. Now as I "move forward" that hateful conversation comes back haunt me, am I leaving him in the past as I more forward? I fear that and I don't want to leave him at all-ever!
I don't read in any of the posts that people were able to enjoy any part of the holiday. It was a matter of just getting through it. I can't say that it was enjoyable but it was a slight bit more than just getting through it.
I had a miserable time of it on Christmas Eve day. I reacted very poorly to Kaitlin quitting her job after 3 days and lying to me. I met with another bereaved Mom to discuss it. She lost her daughter in 2006 and we met at a Hospice Group. Her daughter seems to have led a life in many ways similar to my Kate's. I fear that Kate will have the same outcome; dying from a combo of drugs and alcohol while in the company of her "friends", making poor choices because of her mental illness and limitations. After my conversation with Carol Ann about her daughter Tina and my reaction to Kaiti, I now made a promise to myself. I will start anew with my reactions to Kaitlin. I cannot change her but I can work on myself. Maybe I will feel more at ease with myself, help to defuse the drama in my household, in doing so make it easier for my husband and just maybe having a positive trickle effect to Kate. Maybe Kate will not have a tragic ending to her life like Tina did.
Does anyone feel that they now have an angel in their life? I do, it is this Mom, Carol Ann. I think that it is unlikely that I would have been friends with Carol Ann prior to this. Out paths did not cross and we had lived what I thought was different lifesystles. It seems that Carol Ann is "psychically" tuned into me. She leave me many voice messages saying that I have been unusually on her mind and that she prays for me. She always closes her messages by saying that she & G-d love me. Don't you know it most of the times when I listen to her message it is when I am having a bad day? This woman says things to me in plain talk and it makes sense. She said that I from now on when I get ruffled from Kaiti, instead of calling Craig and fearing that it is going to sprial him downwards into further depression call her. She has been there with her late daughter and understands. I am going to follow her advice to call her.
The remainder of the day was a series of impatience from people rushing about on Christmas Eve. It seems like some manifestation of Evil was trying to knock me off the threshold of hope. It didn't and there is a sense of empowerment about it with the knowledge that it is easy to let it bring you down and drain you and a battle to stay on track.
It would be nicer if it wasn't so hard but as Craig's Uncle said in his letter invite to all of us for Christmas Day acknowledging the loss of his brother, sister-law, their daughter Connie (my in-laws and sister-in-law) and Adam, life isn't fair. We need to be grateful to have each other and to hang on tight and celebrate what we do have.
I am going to close now and get ready to go to Adam and to light the menorah. Many thanks to all who read and comment on this.
Peace & Blessings are wishes for each and every one of you. XO Paula XO


Child Loss / Hanukkah
« on: December 20, 2008, 06:15:48 AM »
Adam grew up in an interfaith household. Mom (me) was Jewish and Dad (Roman Catholic). We did not provide the children with a formal religious education. We kept the Ten Commandments as a religious guide to our family. We celebrated the holidays in both of our backgrounds. The kids loved it, they enjoyed having double the fun.
Each child took a turn each night to be the one to light the candle in the menorah. There was a gift for each night. It surprised and delighted me that even when Adam got older or even did not live at home how important it was to him to be there for the candle lighting and want to have his turn to light the menorah.
Hence, when he passed we have brought a menorah and candles to his final resting place and light the candles for him on Hanukkah. As a Rabbi said at my father's burial, by shoveling the dirt into the grave you are providing the final mitzvah (an act of kindness); you are using the dirt as a blanket, to cover the person, something they cannot do for themselves.
Craig & I feel that we are bringing love and mitzvah to Adam during the Chanukkah season.

Child Loss / Feeling so very blue
« on: December 14, 2008, 11:11:35 PM »
My son Adam's is dead. My daughter Kaiti is so mixed up. My youngest son Josh is angry.My eldest, Matt is distant. My husband, Craig is riddled with guilt and torment over our live. I tried to kill myself. I am now trying to live. As Craig & I try to cope with our tragic loss the day to day issues with our daughter does not allow for "normal" grieving. I reach out and seek help and comfort from all of my compassionate friends. My husband refuses. I watch him unravel and become a broken man. My family is broken. My life is not one that I like living. Today we decorated the house for the holidays. Craig came across an ornament that is a "mailbox". Inside of it was a note written by Adam as a child as he writes about his affection for each one of us. It unhinged Craig. It unhinged me to see Craig fall apart. To do "normal" things like prepare for a holiday feels so awful and yet if it wasn't done the other children would feel that all normalcy is gone from their lives. I don't know how to balance all of this. I have worked so hard these past two weeks, shopping for gifts, writing out cards (the 1st time since Adam passed). I just don't know if I can do this anymore. My husband doesn't want to. I do understand. I am so torn. I wish I could be dead so all of this pain would be over with. I know now from the aftermath of January 2007 that I cannot, but that deep, dark pain still resides inside of me. Unrealistically I still wish for Adam to walk through the door, I truly imagine that it can happen. I don't understand why it can't happen. There have been miracles before, why not again. It is so unfair. For me, for all of you who have suffered this loss.

My daughter, Kaiti, is 23. She has Trisomy X, mental health issues, a multitude of developmental delays, chemical dependencies, compulsive liar and thief, many legal issues....sadly I could continue to go on with this ugly laundry list and yet.....Kaitlin can be the sweetest girl in the whole world. She is kind to young and old, animals, in so many ways willing to help out far more spontaneously than her siblings....she is an enigma to me and to the rest of the people she comes in contact with. Due to her social, behavioral, lack of impulse control, immaturity etc. she finds the sub-culture appealing and of course they like the young, the sweet and the easily manipulated innocents.
Adam did not have Kaitilin's issues, but for whatever reason he too fell prey to addiction and made choices that he paid the ultimate price for. As all of you know, it is unbearable to live without our children. I feel that Kaiti is teeter-tottering on the brink of disaster.
Last night we had drug dealers calling and threatening my daughter's life, demanding money that they claim she owes them. It might very well all be true.
I feel that I have exhausted every professional source of help with her and it is killing me to just watch her slide into what I fear will be the space next to Adam.
I was up until after 4 a.m. last night, went to work this morning, been on overdrive all day long and now it's midnight and I am shaking from the fear and the idea that I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO OFFER HER AND I MIGHT LOSE MY DAUGHTER  :'(

Child Loss / What sort of signs do you receive from your Angels?
« on: December 08, 2008, 05:21:37 AM »
Everyone seems to talk about signs. I think that I have received a few. I don't know how much is me wanting to think that they are signs from Adam. Does anyone receive what I am going to call concrete signs; meaning such as seeing your child? I have not. A friend of mine who lost her husband, my own mother who lost her son; both have relayed stories of their loved ones coming to them, just once. If these different things that people report; the smell of flowers, cloud angels etc. why do you all think that they are so ambiguous not concrete? Please help me to understand for I am desperate to hear from my son.

Child Loss / Friction in a marriage
« on: December 07, 2008, 06:27:58 PM »
Am I wrong in thinking that a lot of friction comes from no one else in my family willing to go for counseling? I think that it is so vital to learn the tools to try to survive this horrible tragedy in our lives. I keep on plugging at it but the tension and drama in this household is so emotionally draining. Not only am I a bereaved Mother I feel like I have to walk through a minefield of emotions each day in this house. I would love to have some sort of peace and harmony. Life as I knew it was unravelling as Adam's descent into the hell of drug usage amped up, Kaiti's ongoing issues and Adam's demise just seem to put the rubber stamp of OVER on all of us.

Child Loss / Do you ever fear people forgetting your Angel?
« on: December 07, 2008, 06:47:08 AM »
Adam is foremost on my mind. I wake up to him, throughout the day my thoughts turn to him and before I go to sleep my last thoughts are of him. I don't think that anyone else in my family thinks of him as much as I do. I want them all to mark each 6th of the month as an anniversary of his passing like I do. I can't speak to my husband and children because I cry and they get upset. I want them to have this burning desire in them to never forget, to visit his grave, to want to name their children after him. I fear that he will fall in the background only to be thought of ever so occasionally.

Child Loss / Marriages: Growing together after the demise of a child
« on: December 01, 2008, 04:26:27 PM »
I had always heard that tragedy will either unite you or pull you apart. I think my husband and I are on the latter side. As I go through many attempts of therapy, group (s), individual, reading, our online group I feel that if nothing else I am sorting out my feelings and while I am not in a happy place I feel that I am trying. I think that my spouse is remaining steadfast saturated in guilt and unhappiness and unwilling to move forward. How does a marriage make it? I don't want to lose "us". I don't want to leave him behind. I need to do this for my own sanity and I wish he would made some attempts to do so as well. If I only saw that I would feel relief. We just talked about it tonight and his answer is everyone copes the way that they can. Mine is mine, his is his and one doesn't make one better nor negate the other. I am so concerned. Please help with your guidance and thoughts on this.

Child Loss / Questions for Tom & Dena
« on: November 28, 2008, 10:43:40 PM »
I belonged to this group and then stopped visiting the site. I used to have a different email address. Can I go back to my old name, standing? I was re-reading some of my old posts and it gives the old email address.

Child Loss / Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« on: November 28, 2008, 09:58:17 PM »
I wanted to end my pain after Adam died. I wanted to continue to Mother him. I felt ashamed that I did not know that my son was dying. My son died alone, in his car, overcome by respiratory supression from an overdose of opiates. Why did I not sense him leaving me? What kind of Mother am I, totally without instincts? I could not live any longer. I knew that I could catch up to him. And I tried. And I failed. People who I thought cared about me were unkind in their comments to me. A sister-in-law told me that I sent a message to my other children that I did not care about them. A nephew told me that he couldn't understand a Mother wanting to leave her children. A friend told me that I better be able to take the heat because if I succeeded Hell was going to be hot. I was committed to a mental ward for a week. I came home and felt ashamed when my youngest held onto me and sobbed. I was so torn. How could I want to be in this world with this child of mine who needed me so much and he was guilty over rescuing me & taking me away from something I wanted to do and yet be able to let go of Adam. It'll be two years this Jan. since my attempt. I don't struggle as much with the suicidal ideations as I did in the not so distant past. I remember the caress of my eldest, not living my side in the hospital as I slipped in and out of consciousness. I see the struggle & strain on my husband's face and body each and every day. I know that my daughter, who is developmentally delayed needs me to be her advocate and to believe in her and to give her unconditional love. I have work to do here so I will remain. Has anyone gone down this path? Please share with me. I need to hear your story. Please.....

Child Loss / Hello from a former forum member
« on: November 28, 2008, 03:08:03 PM »
Greetings. My name is Paula Bruckner. I lost my son Adam Daniel Bruckner on 09/06/06 at the age of 24 years from acute opiate intoxication.  I found out about this website through my husband's union. I logged in and was made to feel welcome by many members I see logged in today. In Jan. '07 I attempted suicide. I've had a rough road to recovery from that mind set which is a work in progress. I stopped visiting the website and now I feel that I need to rejoin. I hope that you all (former and new members) will welcome me back. I need to hear that I am not alone, hear your stories of love, caring, sharing, humility, devotion, courage, spirituality renew friendships and create new ones. You are my "brothers & sisters-in-grief".

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