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Topics - Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Child Loss / 9 years ago today
« on: September 06, 2015, 05:58:13 AM »
Very hurtful day recalling that today Adam made a choice that took his life today-9 years ago. I wish I could have stopped him from using that fateful day. Little did I know when I woke up to go to work that it would be a day that would change my life forever.

Child Loss / Navigating life curveballs
« on: August 18, 2015, 01:43:06 AM »
Craig had some serious cardiac issues. In the process of resolving and seeing next steps to take. Kaiti is being discharged. Dare I hope? I can't sleep due to the stress of it all. Adam's heavenly anniversary date is rapidly approaching. 9 years. What I would give to have him back.

Child Loss / The ills of medications
« on: August 08, 2015, 08:58:33 AM »
It has happened again. Just when I'm feeling really good I get the neurological issues of the head shaking. The psychiatrist changed my meds from the original one that caused the issue and put me on another one. Now that I am on 2 psychotropics the head shaking began again. We are now juggling doses to see if that helps. The side effect can be permanent. Without the meds I am very unhappy however the head shaking is very annoying and interferes with trying to sleep.
Does anyone else have this?

Child Loss / Triggers
« on: July 24, 2015, 07:40:25 AM »
Yesterday, while driving to my destination, I passed the funeral home where we had Adam's wake. I started crying and did not stop until I parked at my destination, wiped my tears and had to put on my outside brave face. Now that I am on a good combo of meds, regulating my moods, I feel "distant" from Adam vs. living in the grief, every moment of the day ... but then there are these triggers that whammy-o bring me to my knees. I hope that when my time comes I am helped to cross over to the other side by my son & parents and if my husband goes before me, that he too would be present.

Child Loss / Pondering the mysteries of life......
« on: July 08, 2015, 05:37:50 AM »
In my family we have a tremendous amount of losses, more than the usual. For example, each one of my spouse's siblings have lost a child. My parents & inlaws were also bereaved parents. My sister-in-law and her sister-in-law each lost a child within days of one another. My brother-in-law has lost his son, niece, 2 brothers in quick succession. We have a multitude of blessings in our lives but do live with enormous sorrows. My SIL says we are cursed. One of my friends likened our family to the Kennedy's. I wonder why we have so many untimely deaths in our family. What is the greater plan here and the lesson to be learned?

Child Loss / My spouse
« on: June 24, 2015, 11:02:54 AM »
Everyone has their own unique and personal way of coping with life and loss. When my spouse gets into a depressed mood, which happens more frequently and lasts longer each time I am finding it difficult to live with. My spouse doesn't do anything that I can see except to escape into sleep and try to isolate himself as much possible. Nothing I do or say seems to make a difference in his actions. I do what I can for myself however living with a partner that seems willing to let himself be engulfed in his depression is very disturbing and is deteriorating my day-to-day happiness with him as my life partner.
Please don't suggest a doctor or any of the usual things for I as a health care provider know all of this and it all falls on deaf ears.

Child Loss / Fathers Day
« on: June 21, 2015, 03:52:55 PM »
I imagine that today is a bittersweet day for all bereaved Dads. In my husband's case, we lost a son, another one is incarcerated, another one lives in another city and seemingly keeps us at "arms length" and it all falls upon my youngest to be there for us. So, even though I am not a Dad my heart is torn up on these special days.
I wish us all peace.

Child Loss / Antidepressant therapy for grief
« on: June 19, 2015, 07:06:24 PM »
I've been on antidepressant therapy for years now. Am I really depressed or just terribly sad. I don't think the pills are working as well as I would like. I have to speak to my prescriber and find out if there truly is anything out there that can help a broken heart.
My daughter is incarcerated again so re-living Adam's issues with her is very frightening.
Craig is seriously depressed and has health issues.
Things are not in that mellow place where I thought I would be at this age.

Child Loss / Adam Daniel Bruckner
« on: April 25, 2015, 07:25:08 PM »
Tomorrow is Adam's birthday. He would have turned 33 yet he stays forever young at just 24 years of age.
The moment we lost you a large piece of me went with you.
Life goes on, but never, EVER, has it been the same.
Missing & loving my boy, always & forever

Child Loss / Valentines Day 2015
« on: February 14, 2015, 07:35:38 AM »
Today represents a day of love and telling those you care for how much they mean to you.
My love is being put out there for all of us bereaved parents and for our angels.
Here's to hoping that we all receive signs today.
Love from your Sister-in-grief,
XO Paula XO

Child Loss / Emotions
« on: January 04, 2015, 12:45:03 PM »
Emotions ran high as of late. Became proactive about it, talked with trusted friends, reached out to my psychiatrist. Thought about it and now it's simmering down.
I'm sharing this with you because as bereaved parent(s) the grief can truly be the "roller-coaster ride" we all hear about it and at times it can, at least with me it did, fill one with such despair and seem quite hopeless that there will be a light out of the dark tunnel.
And then there is.
And that is quite the relief.
Not the same as before the demise happened, which will never be the same, but one that we learn to live with and fine-tune to our "new normal".
Reach out if you feel as I did, support and releasing the emotion has always helped me, even after 8 1/2 years.
Your Sister-in-grief,
Paula, Adam's Brokenhearted Mama

Child Loss / Hanukkah
« on: December 16, 2014, 08:34:21 AM »
Chag Sameach to all who celebrate Hanukkah.
As we light each candle we keep the light of our beloved angels in our hearts & home.
XO Paula

Child Loss / My Birthday
« on: November 10, 2014, 06:22:43 PM »
Today is my 60th birthday. I received a lot of warm wishes, gifts, flowers and had a fun filled day. However, while being mindful of all the blessings in my life I am still saddened not to be able to share my special day with my late son Adam. I'll never see him grow old, marry, raise a family and see him reach milestone birthdays. My world is always colored with sadness since the day he left this world.

Child Loss / Adam
« on: September 06, 2014, 07:12:42 AM »
8 years today. What else is there to say? We all know about this grief journey. The length of time is staggering, ultimately it will be longer that his years on Earth. Well, I know that I am an inpatient woman. I don't want to leave my Earthly family and yet I am anxious to see my heavenly son. I am not an accepting woman. I don't like accepting his death and the depth of my daughter's problems.
Moment to moment, that's the best I can do.

Child Loss / The grief rollercoaster journey
« on: September 03, 2014, 03:58:11 PM »
Almost a year ago, at my Adam's 7th heavenly anniversary date I felt more at peace that I had felt in a very long time. It was a comfortable feeling.
Now, almost 1 year later I am in a horrible emotional state and it is such an uncomfortable feeling.
I am hoping that once Adam's anniversary date passes some of that buildup of tension will automatically subside.
The tension is so real to me that I feel like I could cut it with a knife.
I'm living with "waiting for the other shoe to drop" meaning Kate. To date, she is doing all things right and yet because of my worries (which I intellectually know are destructive & useless) I am waiting to lose her too.
I'm contemplating going back to therapy although after 8 long years of it I feel like I know the "tricks of the trade" and not much new insight can be brought to me.
I am planning on a trip to Aruba with Craig & friends and shortly after that going to visit my granddaughter and then go on to Fla. Hopefully a change of scenery will help out.
I stopped playing the harp and as of tomorrow am resuming lessons. Maybe that is a positive step in the right direction? I dunno, but I can try.
My heart broke when Adam died and yet it keeps on beating. I just don't understand why it doesn't just stop. I am not the person I used to be and that BS about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is rubbish. I don't feel stronger, I feel broken in so many pieces.
I have many joys in my life. A wonderful husband, blessings of family and friendship, not one but 2 homes, plentiful food and yet I know that I am sounding ungrateful for all of that. I'm not - I just hunger for more and that more cannot ever be satisfied without Adam. How is it done to pick up the pieces of your life and begin anew? 8 years later and the very special blessing of a granddaughter and yet I still want to lay down my head and slip away. The pain of losing Adam is just so overwhelming.

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