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Messages - Lori, Alex's Mom

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Child Loss / Alex became an angel
« on: February 15, 2007, 12:06:00 PM »

I love you.


Child Loss / Re: Happy Birthday Silas
« on: February 15, 2007, 09:09:03 AM »
Happy Birthday Silas!

Love and hugs to you and your mom!

Lori, Alex's mom

Child Loss / The sounds I make...
« on: February 15, 2007, 09:04:44 AM »
When I cry, the sounds I make are primal and a little scary.  I've never made these kind of sounds when I cried before.  I understand why it's different but it still shocks me when I hear myself.

I only cry that openly when I'm alone.  It's a very private thing.  I think it would scare or shock others.

Lori, Alex's mom

PS  You are all in my heart and prayers.  When I read posts I cry and cry and cry.  And my heart breaks all over again for both myself and you.  Please know how much I love and support you all even if I don't respond.

Child Loss / Re: I still have a ways to go with the guilt issue
« on: February 15, 2007, 08:57:02 AM »
Peace and prayers...

Lori, Alex's mom

Child Loss / Re: Scary Day (warning triggers) long
« on: February 15, 2007, 08:52:42 AM »
You are in my thoughts and prayers.  I'm glad your son is okay.


Lori, Alex's Mom

Child Loss / Re: Have never been here before cant do this alone
« on: February 15, 2007, 08:50:16 AM »
You are in my heart and prayers.


Lori, Alex's Mom

Child Loss / Re: Feb 10 (Long)
« on: February 12, 2007, 08:33:52 PM »
Jason Jason Jason

You and your beautiful boy are in my prayers...

Love and peace,

Lori, Alex's mom

« on: February 12, 2007, 08:19:07 PM »
Kathy --

love and prayers to you, David and your family.

Lori, Alex's mom

Child Loss / Re: WARNING: About Alex Triggers: mental illness, suicide
« on: February 12, 2007, 08:14:49 PM »
Thank you all of you for your love and support.  Shortly after he died I met with a friend of mine who lost her son after a 4 year battle with leukemia.  We talked about how Alex also had a terminal illness; however it was a 20 year terminal illness.  The first time I took him to see a psychologist, he was only 2 years old.  I have some really rough memories that I don't think I'm ready to share, some really good memories, and some bitter sweet ones.  Before he died, he really had grown into a loving, compassionate man who would help anyone who was in need.  It was a shame he didn't realize how truly beautiful he was.  I truly believe he knows now though.

It means so much to me to hear from all of you.  Right now I have such a hard time reaching out, and it means so much to have you all reaching out to me.  Please know that all of you are in my heart and prayers for the pain and suffering you are enduring -- I feel all of our children are flying with the angels.

In my heart I know we are all going home some day...  They just beat us to it.  Kind of makes me smile to say, "Oh he's just at Home waiting for me."

Love, peace and prayers to all of you...

Lori, Alex's mom

Child Loss / Re: Very New to This
« on: February 10, 2007, 04:35:26 PM »

I am so sorry for my loss.  Brynnie and you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I'm so sorry you had a need to find us, but I am so glad that you did.  You will find this group very loving and supporting.

My son, Alex died 11/5/06.  He was mentally ill and he killed himself.   Our stories are all a little bit different but our pain is much the same.  I also like you was able to accomplish things right after Alex's death.  I think it's because we're in shock and don't even quite believe what is happening.  We go on auto pilot and do what we have to do.

Please be gentle with yourself.  Take whatever time you need, and take extra special care of yourself.  Know that this group is here for you whenever you need a shoulder to lean on.

You are in my prayers.

Lori, Alex's mom

Child Loss / WARNING: About Alex Triggers: mental illness, suicide
« on: February 10, 2007, 04:22:46 PM »
October 17, 1986 - November 5, 2006

Barely 20 years old...

Alex suffered from behaviorial and emotional problems his whole life. As a child he was diagnosed ADHD with oppositional defiant disorder. He always suffered from depression. He as aggressive and violent as a child.  He didn't fit in with his peers.  He was the kid who sat alone at lunch time and had trouble making friends because he was different.  On the positive he was always smiling, very friendly, and knew no stranger.  He would talk to anyone - sometime a bit scary  :).  He was funny and entertaining.  Adults enjoyed him when he was in a good mood, not being stubborn, not throwing a fit, etc. 

As a teen he turned the anger inwards and his depression became even worse. He attempted suicide the first time when he was 16. By age 19 he had attempted suicide 4 times that I know of...

He was a dear, compassionate child but very difficult to live with. He had extremely poor hygiene and was generally a slob. Typing that made me give a sad smile.  I'd really like to have my slob of a son back in my life.  He ended up with a diagnosis of severe depression, poor impulse control, and a personality disorder.

The last time he had tried to commit suicide (which I believe was his 6th attempt) was in March 2006 over a job at McDonalds which he had just gotten but could not deal with. His methods of attempts were always more of a scream for help rather then him truly wanting to die. In March, I helped him start the process of getting on disability. He was approved by July. He moved into a group home that was three blocks from where I live.

From June 2006 through September 2006, he was over at my house practically every day. And I loved it.  I loved being with my son; I just couldn't handle having him live with me.  His computer was still here, and he taught me how to play his favorite RPG game, Guild Wars. He would be here everyday and we would be in the same room each on our own computers and play the game together.

The end of September he used crack for the 1st time. He then moved into supportive housing for people with disabilities (a 2-bedroom apartment which he shared with one other person). Sometime the beginning of October he stopped taking his meds and continued using crack. By November 5th, he was dead. They say he "dove" out of a window on the 14th floor of a local hi-rise. He had cocaine in his system, but was not high at the time he went out the window.

This is so very hard for me to comprehend. I know my son killed himself, however I'm not convinced that he knew that what he was doing was going to be fatal. I was very close to my son, and I miss him horribly. When I cry I literally feel my heart is breaking in half.

He had such a hard, difficult life and I know he is in a better place. I honestly feel that he had done everything he needed to do in this life and touched all of the lives he was supposed to touch -- and that God decided he had suffered enough and that it was time to go home. I'm happy for him. But I can't imagine how I'm going to live the rest of my life without him even though I know I have to.

At his funeral I read the children's book, "Where The Wild Things Are" because Alex was my wild thing. Max is the child's name in the book. I'm playing Guild Wars on Alex's account, and name all the characters I play "Max the Wild... something" in honor of Alex. After I started doing this I realized that Max = Mom plus Alex. M for mom, and A and X for AleX. Does that make sense? Anyway, it seems like a fitting name for the characters that I play for him. He never felt that he succeeded at much. He loved this game, because he kicked ass on it, and was admired by the others he played with. We always kind of gave him heck about spending too much time on the computer, but before he died he helped me understand why the game was so important to him. I thank God that he let me into his Guild Wars world and that I still have that part of him.

I'm sorry this is so lengthy. It's really the most I've shared with anyone since he died.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this...

Lori, Alex's mom

:)  Definitely a sign!

Alex's mom

Child Loss / Re: Beautiful, Uplifting Song
« on: February 08, 2007, 03:16:57 AM »
So beautiful!  If some of you haven't listened, please do!

Thank you Kat!

Alex's mom

Child Loss / Re: Please pray for my grandson, Matthew
« on: February 08, 2007, 02:55:06 AM »
Prayers for you and Matthew!

Alex's mom

Child Loss / Re: calander
« on: February 08, 2007, 02:50:26 AM »
Love and prayers to you and Patrick!

Alex's mom

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