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Messages - beaman

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Main / don't know how to edit my own post
« on: March 28, 2016, 05:39:23 PM »
Is this function not there?

Parent Loss / Re: So much To face at once
« on: March 28, 2016, 05:19:41 PM »
keep healthy for your loved ones.

Parent Loss / Re: not good today
« on: May 09, 2012, 08:57:04 AM »
today i recognized something--for my whole 23 years of life, it had been mom and me. now it's just me. This is the biggest thing in my grief.

Parent Loss / Re: not good today
« on: April 27, 2012, 11:37:33 PM »
Hi again
Sorry for my mistake in gender.  I think it's hard to know if there are more women than men posting when the names we use don't specify.  Anyway you're a wonderful son and I wish I could give you a hug right now.  That's what I would want for my 2 boys if the situations were reversed.  I'm sending you a "mom" hug from my heart.
Sisters in Canada

wow. That's really nice of you to say so. Thank you for your hug.

Parent Loss / Re: not good today
« on: April 27, 2012, 08:23:01 PM »
thank you both. sincerely. it feels good to see replies.
And to sistersinCanada, i'm a boy though. doesn't matter. your words are just as wonderful.
Terry, I don't understand why this is a forum mainly for women.

Parent Loss / not good today
« on: April 27, 2012, 10:26:28 AM »
at first, i was so angry, about things happened.
just now i looked at my mom's picture,  i couldn't stop crying. i miss my mom. i couldn't stop crying. and i don't think anyone i know in real life would understand. i know people here can understand.
i feel better. i guess i'm all right now.
it's 1:24 am i'm sitting in my lab alone.
sorry for the scramble. when i was crying i thought of this place. i wrote while crying.
all right, post it anyway.

Parent Loss / Re: An orphan in my twenties
« on: April 05, 2012, 08:08:03 PM »
i felt many things you're feeling now when i lost mom who was my only parent 1.5 year ago. i just got into graduate school, which was a dream for my mom and i. but after my mom died i felt so meaningless and i drop out of school. i'm also an young orphan. i'm 25 now.

you're not alone about what you've lived through. thanks for sharing your story.

now i'm back to school. i have a unique motivation from the confused feeling about the world. I'm forever different from majority of people around me. but that's OK. always getting a lot of comfort from others' similar stories.

this might be the problem that you seems being harsh to yourself. in my early days i just allow myself to do anything i wanted to, even if it was immoral. i still have that habit now. i understand sometimes you just want to lie in bed and do nothing, that's very natural. just be nice to yourself. i mean, nothing is necessary in life, especially for people like us and after what we've been through. you don't have to be strong.

Parent Loss / Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« on: January 28, 2012, 09:22:54 PM »
thanks Terry,
     i'm doing good. kind of stage of acceptance. you know, 5 stages thing.

Parent Loss / Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« on: January 24, 2012, 08:23:39 AM »
 damn. i feel angry, really blame myself tonight.
i found  out in a reliable source (profesional book ) that certain Dietary Supplement (carotenoid ) increases risk of lung cancer. mom had been worked as a sales for Amway, she really got into those nutrition products. i mean you will believe in something if  you always tell it to people. she took a lot of these pills everyday for many years. and she often asked me to take those too. I knew i didn't need those. I think i should've told her it was bad for her and force her to stop.  

my mom didn't have enough education. otherwise she wouldn't get into a company's 'education'.

i hate the the company and the system , and the society again, for one more reason.
i mean, i want to kill the CEO. i probably won't. but i'm definately a psycopath. antisocial. want 2012 be a real end of humanity.

Parent Loss / Re: no family
« on: January 23, 2012, 10:45:22 PM »
hi, Buendia
I don't have any family either, and i'm 24. we absolutely feel differently than others. it's ok everyone has a different path in life. just remember the love you had in so many years. that's a reason we take care of ourselves. and we will have family again.

thanks for your sharing. i'm lucky to find you. by talking to you i'm talking to myself.

Parent Loss / Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« on: January 15, 2012, 07:45:40 AM »
my mom was a great mom. she sacrificed herself for me. she worked too hard for me to have a better life, even in the last days, she was sorry she couldn't buy me a house so that i can get married (many Chinese parents think like this). she had been through hard times in marriage, a lot of quarrels. she had a short temper, when she was angry, seemed like she couldn't get the anger out.
her character and life experience may be part of causes of cancer.

i feel most depressed when i'm any sick, especially when i'm alone, like now i'm spending spring festival alone in school. I wish i could die and rest in peace. I think i'd feel differently  when i have family again in my life.

Parent Loss / Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« on: January 15, 2012, 05:59:32 AM »
beaman ~ how are you doing?
I'm quite good. I know life is meaningless, but i still enjoy a lot of things: sports, friends, learning new things. i try to keep healthy and improve myself. that's human nature to survive. hum, also called animal instinct. realizing you are just smart animals make you look beyond your own tragedy. in fact, i think everything you feel might just be a result of evolution. (although I  hope there is soul and paradise )
    the thing is, hard feelings come and go. I always let the feeling get out because I have a lot of free time as a student (i also chose to drop out from school for a while). and i don't need to find a good job and build family  for mom any more, i take my time in life and follow my heart, which is a healthy way to lead life.

Parent Loss / Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« on: January 15, 2012, 05:56:47 AM »
Beaman, in your first post you said you wanted to live for your mom and keep healthy.  That is exactly what I feel after seven months since my mom left me.  Do you feel she cares about you?  That is a wonderful feeling.  It keeps her alive in you. 

I understand the what the f--- so well.  Nothing makes sense.  But wanting to keep healthy FOR HER, to honor her memory, is a noble and worthy thing to do.  Remember that, and continue to study science or whatever can help people who are suffering. 

She must have been a wonderful person to make you say that.
I'm glad you resonate with me a little bit. that's it about. I was lucky that one of my mom's doctor went through pretty much the same tragedy as mine. I got a lot of help from her. As long as you know you are not  alone in this, everything feels better.

Parent Loss / Re: my first thread-mom passed away
« on: January 05, 2012, 10:18:57 PM »
Thank you both.

The day before yesterday, sad feelings came up and i couldn't stop crying. I almost wanted to kill myself, thinking life is meaningless. Then i felt better when i thought about Steve Jobs and some other people who died early.  

Yesterday I felt so guilty thinking i did too little for mom before she was diagnosed. She already had problems sleeping and often felt tired. I should have checked out more medical information. More importantly i should have kind of educated her more to make her enjoy life instead of struggle in small things, for she worked too hard(we were OK financially) and feared others' opinions on her divorce. I should have been around her more, loved her more, instead i loved myself more. Poor mom. This guilty feeling is the worst to stick with.

Today I just couldn't believe my mom has been burned to ashes. I had a dream last night: I came home as usual, it was just my step-father at home. I found my mom's cellphone number and called her. No one was answering. I suddenly realized she was gone. She died. At such a young age. What the fuck. What the fuck.

Parent Loss / my first thread-mom passed away
« on: December 25, 2011, 11:00:16 PM »
I'm Chinese, so forgive my English. I've been assimilated into western culture by basketball, movies, and education, so here I am.

I'm 23 male, currently in graduate school. About a year ago my mom died of lung cancer in her forties. She died in less than 2 months since diagnosed. She was my only parent and only family member. We were very close. After that, life became meaningless.

I suspended my school program for nearly a year. Now I'm back to school.  I feel like I wasn't as devastated as many others on this forum and I'm in good shape now. I understand it's OK though, to feel everything naturally.For now and then I felt sad, guilty, angry and everything. Crying times has been decreasing. I'm still very angry now when it comes up, to everything that might caused my mom's death: unfairness of society, people and the whole world. I think the main causes are: lack of education, working too hard for me,  terrible marriage and of course second-hand cigarette and polluted air.

Now I don't have any problems in my life.I became closer with some of my friends. I understand I was changed once and for all. I became immoral, blunt, cold, relentless, childish in a good way, don't give a fuck to pretty much everything, ...... I might always have that anger in everything and not be as happy as others. It's OK. I don't force anything. I'm not afraid of death, with the hope that I might meet my mom in another world. I want to find out how to make people not suffer and this is my career plan as a scientist. I can't easily fall in love now but I do want to have a child. I want to see the future world and live for my mom, so the most important thing is to keep healthy.

This is a very good forum for I can find part of myself on you. Thank you all.

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