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Topics - sevenofwands

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1
Recommended Grief Books / The Other Side of Sadness
« on: April 04, 2015, 09:43:23 AM »
A book by George Bonnano

"The Other Side of Sadness"

George A. Bonanno is professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University

Review:

Excerpt:

"We tend to understand grief as a predictable five-stage process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But in The Other Side of Sadness, George Bonanno shows that our conventional model discounts our capacity for resilience. In fact, he reveals that we are already hardwired to deal with our losses efficiently--not by graduating through static phases. Weaving in explorations of mourning rituals and the universal experiences of the death of a parent or child, Bonanno examines how our inborn emotions--anger and denial, but also relief and joy--help us deal effectively with loss."

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Recommended Grief Books / Necessary Losses
« on: February 28, 2012, 01:33:34 PM »
A book:
"Necessary Losses"
The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow
by Judith Viorst

"In Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst turns her considerable talents to a serious and far-reaching subject: how we grow and change through the losses that are an inevitable and necessary part of life. She argues persuasively that through the loss of our mothers' protection, the loss of the impossible expectations we bring to relationships, the loss of our younger selves, and the loss of our loved ones through separation and death, we gain deeper perspective, true maturity, and fuller wisdom about life. She has written a book that is both life affirming and life changing."
Her topic is loss because everyone must cope with it throughout life: childhood ends, we recognize that our expectations are unrealistic, friends and family members die, ultimately we die"

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Grief not related to deaths / Caretaking versus caregiving
« on: February 14, 2012, 06:39:52 AM »
Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:

•Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.  Caregiving feels right and feels like love.  It re-energizes and inspires you.
•Caretaking crosses boundaries.  Caregiving honors them.
•Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
•Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
•Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
•Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
•Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
•Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.
•Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker.  Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
•Caretakers tend to attract needy people.  Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.  (Hint:  We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
•Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
•Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
•Caretakers  start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
•Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
•Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.
As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step.  Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum.  It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation

From:

http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/

By:  Elizabeth Kupferman

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Main / Caretaking versus caregiving
« on: February 14, 2012, 06:37:40 AM »
Hello to everyone.

I thought I might post this here,  as I feel it certainly is something we might not have thought about.


Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:

•Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.  Caregiving feels right and feels like love.  It re-energizes and inspires you.
•Caretaking crosses boundaries.  Caregiving honors them.
•Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
•Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
•Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
•Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
•Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
•Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.
•Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker.  Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
•Caretakers tend to attract needy people.  Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.  (Hint:  We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
•Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
•Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
•Caretakers  start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
•Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
•Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.
As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step.  Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum.  It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation

From:

http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/

by Elizabeth Kupferman, RN, LMHC, LPC


5
Grief not related to deaths / Good wishes
« on: December 20, 2011, 06:19:54 AM »
Hello to everyone.

I just wanted to look in and wish you all a peaceful Christmas, with good memories of those who have departed.  May your new year bring you the best of health, good luck and prosperity.

We shall be spending Christmas Eve/Christmas Day with my brother and his family.  His wife my dear sister-in-law will be, as always, sadly missed, and there will be other empty places at the table too.  But we will remember happy times in their company in the past, and celebrate their lives.

Warm wishes to you all.
Seven

6
Recommended Grief Books / Insidious Loneliness - Grief
« on: April 13, 2011, 03:03:20 AM »
I found this article very insightful and hope it will be useful.

http://www.expressivecounseling.com/grief-loneliness-friends

The other articles on grief are good too

http://www.expressivecounseling.com/articles

Good wishes to everyone
Seven

7
Grief not related to deaths / The present
« on: October 12, 2010, 08:05:35 AM »
I rather liked this article and thought I would share.

""As the saying goes “tomorrow never comes”. Tomorrow is only a concept, tomorrow is always waiting to come around the corner, but around that corner are shadows, never to have light shed upon, because time is always now.

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” – Buddha

“There is no distance on this earth as far away as yesterday.” ~Robert Nathan

Excerpt from:

http://www.illuminatedmind.net/2008/02/20/how-to-live-fully-in-the-present/

8
Main / Remembering Kevin
« on: August 30, 2010, 05:36:30 AM »
Today is the first anniversary of our Kevin's death.  Many members here will remember Kevin for his warm and kindly personality, his insightful and sensible advice, his sense of humour.  I remember Kevin as if he were someone I had actually met in real life.  He missed his wife Betty so much, and I hope they are both happy out tere somewhere among the stars.

Seven

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Main / Genuine grief is no illness
« on: August 28, 2010, 05:56:03 AM »
Grief is a normal reaction to loss and is not itself an illness
This article is interesting


http://open.salon.com/blog/rarobertsjr/2010/08/03/genuine_grief_is_no_illness

.." intense grief is fraught with deep feelings, moments of incredible sadness, physical ramifications such as lack of sleep, appetite, energy, as well as, the soulful reorientation of a person's outlook on life.

Persons in grief often told of an inability to concentrate, to remember, to find joy, to celebrate, to be able to summon up the even the will to live, to hope, to love again.

This does not mean that those who mourn are sick.  This simply means that their lives have been turned upside down, tossed about like fruit some kind of cosmic blender.
""

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Grief not related to deaths / Divorce Depression Buster
« on: March 10, 2010, 06:07:07 AM »
Divorce Depression Busters
12 Depression Busters for Divorce
by Therese J. Borchard

Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress is capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain's emotional center) if you're not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.

Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person's happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!

1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).
I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 to 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it's a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I'd hate for you to sink that low.

2. Change your routine.
The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment--all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that just because her marriage had ended, didn't mean her life was over.

3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.
In her book Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again, psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I'd write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I'm crazy? Temes writes:

Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you'll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe's or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.
Continue with slide show

11
Main / "Guests"
« on: January 08, 2010, 03:36:27 PM »
Hello to everyone, "guests" included.  I see that right this minute there are over 60 "guests" looking in and reading on the board.  Do please, if you feel up to it, come in and give us your views, your thoughts, your feelings at this time.  Even if a brief word to say you find comfort in what you read,....or not.

Seven

12
Main / Golden Rules
« on: October 27, 2009, 05:11:57 PM »
Hello to all:

This evening going through some old boxes of papers and stuff I came across this page:

Ten Golden Rules for Myself

1. I should give myself the same care and attention  give others
2. I am not an endless"resource" for others.  I must stock up on "reserves" and not get too drained.
3. I have needs which may be different from my family, my friends or my collagues
4. I do not have to say "yes" to all requests - or feel guilty if I say "no".
5. I have the right to be treated with respect as a worthwhile, intelligent and competent person
6. I do not have to have everyone's approval all the time to know that I am trying my hardest
7. Time for unwinding is time very well spent.
8. Making mistakes is not a disaster- I can learn from these and it allows other to as well.
9. I must be fair tomyself and remember, at all times, especially in the face of criticism, anxiety and difficulties THAT I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN.

----------O-------------O-------------O

Sounds to me like a very healthy recipe ....

Best to all
Seven

13
Main / Grief and depression
« on: August 31, 2009, 08:47:52 AM »
It looks like how we felt psychologically before any bereavement occurred has a lot of bearing on our grieving process:

I found this:


""Grief and depression are different. It is possible to grieve without being depressed, but many of the feelings are similar. ""

""Who is likely to get depression after a bereavement?
It is difficult to judge who will or won't suffer depression after a bereavement. However, risk factors thought to increase the chance include the following:

a previous history of depression
intense grief or depressive symptoms early in the grief reaction
few social supports
little experience of death.""

While we all experience grief and loss, each of us is unique in the ways we cope with our feelings.

Some people have healthy coping skills. They are able to experience grief without losing sight of their daily responsibilities. The grieving process is an opportunity for someone to appropriately mourn a loss and then heal. It's facilitated by acknowledging grief, allowing time for grief to work, and finding support.""

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Main / Compassion Fatigue
« on: August 22, 2009, 05:30:40 AM »
Hello to all:

I believe it is very important to bear this in mind, particularly those who are carers.  You need to be in good shape emotionally (and physically too) when looking to help someone else.


• Awareness of compassion fatigue. When providers reach a point where they find their own loss and grief material coming up frequently, they may have reached a point of ‘compassion fatigue’ or burnout.  Accept that you have your own issues to deal with. This is normal— but it is also a signal that you need a break and/or some outside social and/or spiritual support or personal counseling. ""

http://www.griefcareprovider.com/pages/helping_grieving_people.html


15
Main / Life
« on: August 08, 2009, 09:58:37 AM »
I thought I would post this up.  I rather liked it.


""LIFE IS A GIFT, MAKE THE MOST OF IT.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is fragile, hold it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

- Unknown

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