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Messages - stella joshs mom

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Child Loss / Re: Please say a prayer for Anna Nicole Smith
« on: February 12, 2007, 12:36:27 AM »
Glad to hear I reacted like many of you did at the news of Anna Nicoles death.  It is reassuring to know that many of you felt the gladness thet she was now with her son and hurting no longer.  On the other hand sounds like we all felt awful about the babys loss of a big brother and her mother before she even had many memories of them.  How strange that everyone I talked to other then you all didn't understand.  They all felt she deserved it and felt no compassion.  Is that what we gain from our situation.  We all have experienced one of the worse if not the worse things parents can go through but we now have a compassion most others do not.  I don't know that I like the trade off.  But I do  hope and pray the right people get Annas baby and raise her and help her to know how much her mom and brother loved her.
Stella-Joshs Mom

« on: January 18, 2007, 12:15:30 AM »
I just read your post and cried so hard with you I couldn't type a reply till now, 10 minutes later.  When I first started reading your posts in November, when I first started posting, I was so impressed that there was finally a dad willing to post here.  I read eagerly your very positive posts and they always gave me reason to go on!  Funny thing is now its your turn to be down about this awful situation we both are dealing with and now I am at a loss for words to help you back.  Have you ever seen the movie IT's a wonderful life with Jimmy Stewart?  In the movie the main Character never achieves the material things or fame as others do through his life and an angel decides to show him life in his town if he had never been born.  Well he sees how many lifes he would otherwise never help or save or change for the better and realizes that his life  is very important and for a reason and that it touches many others.  John, your life has already helped me and many others at this website make it through another day, another crisis.  We can not change the past but how about trying to use what has happened to us and ours and do something!  I am trying like everyone else here to overcome each awful wave of grief with the help of my family and friends (especially the ones here at this site).  So I can help myself by hopefully helping each one of you when you are caught in the wave.  I do this for myself, my missing son Josh and for all of us.  Ride the wave John, knowing we are all here to catch you as you near the beach.  You are not alone, many are there too, and we do understand.
Stella Joshs Mom  :'(

Child Loss / Re: Glad your all still here!
« on: January 09, 2007, 01:16:24 AM »
Josh has been missing since July 13th of 2005.  18 months.  The status is it is a cold case now.  The person who was with him last has been suspicious from the start.  He has not been cooperative with the police nor anyone else.  Our private investigators are trying to keep tabs as he keeps dissapearing every time we try and have a supoena served to him.  We have reason to believe he owes Josh $800.  He has skipped town again for a remote oil camp up on the border of Alaska and the Artic.  We are waiting to see if he gets the supoena served to him.  We have an ex state crime investigator here in MT who is reviewing 2 transcripts from Noreen Renier a psychic we have used.  He will set up a third reading with her.  I wish I knew what else to do!  This waiting is awful!  It is like being in limbo!  I am open to ideas if anyone has any.
Thanks to all who welcomed me back after christmas and my trip to Seattle.  It does help!
you are all in my prayers along with your families and those you are missing!
Stella-Joshs Mom

Child Loss / Glad your all still here!
« on: January 06, 2007, 02:42:32 AM »
Just got back Monday night from the Seattle area where my oldest daughter and her family is.  It was good to take a break away.  But found I had to walk away from everyone Christmas day and go be by myself and cry for about an hour.  My daughter came and found me and I pretended to be making phonecalls to save her from being upset and seeing her mom that way.(silly I suppose, huh!)  My 1 and 3 year old grand kids were fun but I still had insomnia every night and missed Josh so terribly bad!  I was so worried that something might happen to this board while I was away!  I am so thankful for all of you caring and sharing here!  My New Years Resolution is to try and return all the help I get here from all of you!!!
Thanks from the bottom of my Big Greek Heart!! :)
Stella-Joshs Mom

Child Loss / Re: Which Is It ???
« on: December 20, 2006, 01:01:00 AM »
Sounds like we are all having a lot of the same troubles!  Good to know ones not in the boat alone huh!  I forget all the time I freeze up when asked a question under stress and have a hard time answering even simple questions.  I can not focus well on anything and well my mind is not as good as it used to be.  For me I think this thing has thrown me into early or Pre-menopause so I don't know which symptoms belong to which diagnosis but it makes me feel a bit like a zombie mom at times.  I appreciated Johns stuff on Grief.  Wish we knew more though.  Maybe lack of sleep is to blame. If you need a great doctor Brun, Dr Laura Bennet here in Lewistown has been great about working with me and my decision to try and do this without meds and without a lot of appointments.  E-mail me if you want me to give you her number or have any questions.  Remember you are only a few towns away if you need me for anything! :)
Stella Joshs Mom

Child Loss / Going away for a bit
« on: December 18, 2006, 02:10:58 AM »
Don't know how you guys who have been on this journey longer survive this holiday stretch intact.  This is awful!  I feel like my mind is so shot.  Can't sleep, eat, think well,get holiday things done.  I hate this!  I am so sad so much of each day lately.  I can't concentrate on much.  Did you all feel like you were losing your minds too?  I am trying for my daughters sake.  But I am so very far from how I was for past Christmas's.  When will the old me return?  How long does it take?  Would moving away help?  Is this so hard because I am not only a working mom who misses her son but also an investigator still trying to find him?  I feel like I can never rest.  Time is slipping away and we haven't found Josh yet!  How does a mother give up?  If I do I may never find him, If I don't I don't know what it will do to me.  On top of all this I don't even seem to be able to remember stuff without writing it down and I have a terrible time making decisions anymore.  All this normal for moms in my situation?  What a mess I've become.  I need to get away for a bit.  My husband and younger daughter and I are going to go visit my older daughter and her family in Washington this weekend.  I will be back in a week or so as I have to be back to school to teach on the 3rd.  Wish I was headed somewhere tropical and exciting, but this will have to do!  I wish all of you a very peaceful Christmas as I know how badly we all need that it seems.  I also wish to thank everyone that has been there for me the last 2 months that I have been at this website.  I also wish to thank Tom for having the insight to start this sort of  a website.  Also thanks to all who help him.  Hope the new year brings us all closer to happier times and an inner calmness we all so very much need!
Stella-Joshs Mom 

Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: December 16, 2006, 01:36:58 AM »
Joshua James Haight was born September 23rd, 1984 in Billings Montana.  He has one sister older than he by about 18 months.  He has two younger sisters one now a senior in High School and the other now in third grade.  Josh disappered on July 13th while supposedly going to get fireworks in Wyoming with a friend.  This friend  picked him up but 3 days later when we tried to contact him to see why they were not home yet.  The friend said he told Josh he couldn't go after all and they just drove around and talked in the truck and then he dropped Josh off on Main Street downtown.  The last time I saw Josh was on the 4th of July, one of his favorite Holidays, he came and played with his little sister on the Trampoline out back and set off some firecrackers with a couple of his college friends who were home for the summer too.  He left and came back for some home made ice-cream.  Then his oldest sister went into labor the next day so I called him at his dads. (the kids spend an alternating 2 weeks at each of our houses here since our divorce in 1996.) to see if he had decided whether to go with us or not to Washington to see his new nephew.. He said no he had things to do.  He was waiting to move into a new place in Butte where he and his friends were to live while attending their 3rd year in Engineering.  The landlord was already a month past the time he had told the kids they could move in and Josh had called the land lord that week and left a message about wanting to move in soon.  So I figured he was expecting to be moving that week.  We left for Elisa's a day later and got back that following Monday late.  I called the kids Tuesday morning to let them know we had gotten back, and Josh asked if Elis had come back with us.  I said no she decided it was to soon with the baby and all.  I asked him if Bri was there or not and what he was doing and he replyed that Bri was at work or at a friends and he was making a sandwich.  So I told him I would let him go so he could eat, and that I would see them on Sunday when he was back over at the house for two weeks.  I told him love you, bye and that was it.  I never saw him again.  Josh was just two months shy of his 21st birthday when he went missing.  He is listed in the National Center for missing Adults and many other websites.  We have hired an attorney and two Private investigators, a psychic cadaver dogs and a host of others trying to find my son.    I want him back terribly, but if thats not possible then I need to know what happened and where he is so his family, friends and I can try and move forward instead of being in this awful vortex. :'(
Thanks for all the support here.  It is so helpful.  Stella   

Child Loss / Re: 17 months ago this evening
« on: December 11, 2006, 01:53:26 AM »
it will be 17 months for me as well on the 13th.  Josh went missing and has not been seen nor heard from since then.  This second year is worse for me too.  Starting in September with Joshs Birthday and through Thanksgiving and nowChristmas.  I feel so somber and out of it.  Like in another dimension.  It is so hard act normal about the holidays.  I am taking a trip to see my grand babies.  The trip is a 15 hour drive and its going to take all I can muster to have the energy to get there though.  Part of me just wants to stay here but my oldest daughter wants me to spend a christmas there.  Thanks for the advice, you are right.  It just makes things harder.  It does help here though not being alone adrift on the sea... but seeing others floating and being able to call out to one another and give and receive answers helps tremendously.
This has been almost the best Christmas gift I could get.  The best of course would be to find Josh. :'(

Child Loss / Re: Arghh...still trying to get a Pic or 2
« on: December 11, 2006, 01:11:34 AM »
Hi Paula-
THanks for the reply to me.  You said your son was gone for two years.  Did he ever tell you why?  Did he tell you where he went?  I sure hope you are right but as I am at 17 months now I am less hopeful for his return and find I am as full of grief as every one here.  I don't know how to move on as you all are trying to do.  There is no knowing only this awful feeling of what  do I do next that I haven't done already to find him.  How much, money and energy  and time will it take me away from  the rest of my family and friends and will I ever know?  What did you try when your son was missing?  What helped you?  Did you ever feel that both you and he somehow knew something like this was going to happen?  Josh and I did.  He lived each day as he wanted not following conformity and saying he thought he was going to die some day of cancer.  (He's a red head, fair complexion!)  I always told him no he was wrong.  But something, there was something about how hs little sister and I grieved when he went away to college.  Something that he wanted but when asked he told me he would rather just not graduate but still have another year or two in High school.  Something we all felt.  Wanting to keep things as they were.  I did not do this with his older sister nor am i doing it with his sister who is a senior this year in high school.  Just Josh.  His youngest sister Tia got depressed about it in Kindergarten.  Its like we three knew something.  Thats why I am scared he is not coming back.  That and the fact that no one has heard from him.

Child Loss / New calendar date posting
« on: December 09, 2006, 10:54:13 AM »
Thought I would post the July date my son went missing.  I know its not the same as an angel date.  Hope this is alright.
Thanks Stella-Joshs mom

Child Loss / Re: Wel I went to work today
« on: December 09, 2006, 12:43:09 AM »
My son Josh went missing July 13, 2005.  I hired many professionals to help us find him.  I had very little choice but to go back to work full time when school started a month later.(I work with Special Ed students at the High School here).  I knew I couldn't afford not to work.  It has taken its toll though.  I am so tired and irritable and sad, and anxious.  My memory is shot!  Maybe I would have felt this way even without working.  All I know is I am struggling more I think in this second year as I have found no resolution and am exhausted from the first year of controlled panic and now this year such deep sadness.  I get tired trying to be normal!  I get tired trying to fit in with Normal life and people.  I get exhausted trying to fit in when I drift between the normal world and some strange place of existance where I feel I am behind a mirror looking out but unable to interact with others  on the other side.  I too am forever changed and not who I used to be.  I am probably stubbornly trying to not take medication for any of this.  I have tried yoga, teas, vitamins, warm milk, counseling and I think part of why I may not sleep is because it self medicates me.  It has a numbing effect on the pain as I go through my day exhausted.  Weird huh?  I do worry about the long term effect from all this stress though.  Don't know what else to do though as I have no interest in anything either.  I can't believe though that all of you at this site feel so similar.  I feel like we are all in some strange plane of existence that is between where our kids are and where we used to be.  Is that where God puts mothers who have lost there children?  Why?  Its like being in limbo.  Will we always be there?  I want to be happy again.  How did the pioneers make it through this?  Without Meds or counselors?  I miss my son and I miss me.
Stella-Joshs mom :'( 

Child Loss / Thanks Tom and everyone! But still need help!
« on: December 05, 2006, 04:46:24 PM »
I did manage to get Josh's photo on the post.  Although its awfully big.  I am trying to get my photo in the upper left hand corner and so far only get the caption that goes with it.  Also how do I get notified of a response to my posts in my hotmail?  Help!

Child Loss / one more time
« on: December 05, 2006, 04:32:38 PM »
here goes

Child Loss / Still trying !
« on: December 05, 2006, 04:24:46 PM »
Here goes!

Child Loss / Re: Calendar
« on: December 03, 2006, 02:59:44 AM »
Hi Tom-
Ok I give!  I can not get either my picture in the upper right or Joshs picture under the post to work.  Mine appears white with a red x in it and Joshs is just the URL address.  I tried the tabs you suggested up top of this page but to no avail.  Can you help, please.
Stella   ???

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