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Messages - Rebecca

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16
Child Loss / Re: My 17 year-old son died in accident hours ago.
« on: February 02, 2011, 04:03:54 PM »
I am so sorry for you to join the beginning of this horrific journey.  Right now, numb is the only word to use, as the news most probably has not sunk in.  I can recall every moment when I found out that my son, Jason, was dead, at 31 years old.  But, we are not talking about me.  It is allt he same the pain, the confusion, the deep sick feeling in the pit of our stomachs that makes us scream screams that sound like a sick animal. Then the falling to our knees because nothing like this could happen.  I am not responsible, but I can say with complete certainity, I am sorry.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

17
Child Loss / Re: Happy Heavenly Birthday, Donny! ((((( Don )))))
« on: January 30, 2011, 04:57:23 PM »
I ditto all.  Don't see you much here, I read but don't write much anymore.  We are coming up to six years on the 13th.  My nail place had an opening for the 13th and I said no, that date does not work.  The man said, why... I just looked and said... because it doesn't.  It doesn't work for me because how could i have my nails done when 6 years ago on the 13th of Feb. we found our Jason dead.  I want the day to just go away.  It's all a blur and I know for you it is the same way.
Thinking of you and Bonnie.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

18
Child Loss / Re: PTSD
« on: January 30, 2011, 04:48:58 PM »
I think when time passes we all become split personalities, not in the real clinical sense but in the sense of being able to survive.  Do you exercise?  How about a hot shower?  I know these sound so simple.. but they might work. Can u take a walk outside, maybe ask your husb or daughter to walk with you. Hold his/her hand.  Take deep breathes.  You have so much to contend with that you are all over the place. Please do not beat yourself up for being a hostess.. it is just part of who we are, one minute at a time.  We are all acting on a stage we did not ask for but we have no alternative.  Sure we have an alternative but we cannot take that and will not take that for ourselves or others.  Also, have you thought of games on the computer.  They are very good for redirecting. I play mah jongg against other people. Costs $40.00 per year and then the card.  It takes my mind in a different direction.  Thinking of u.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

19
Child Loss / Re: For Christina, the 9 year old girl killed in Tucson
« on: January 10, 2011, 05:52:12 AM »
I agree.  WE need to let them know we are here.  We are all in shock when we hear of the loss of our own child, but here was a child, with family, just observing.  It is inconceivable to me what must have gone through this child's mind.  Maybe through a chapter of Compassionate friends in Tucson, we can get our message to them.  Those of us who have lost children are so much more keenly aware of the others feelings and then others may be thankful it was not theirs.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

20
Child Loss / Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« on: January 08, 2011, 06:52:04 PM »
In the very early days I would not put myself through anything like going to a wedding.  Actually, I have been to one wedding since Jason died.  I do not want to ruin the wedding with my actions and I don't want to hurt.  The one thing I read over and over in your posts is that it seems to me u r more concerned with how others feel than how u and Craig feel.  I have never taken that stand as far as Jason goes.  I do take that stand often with people but if I know that I will hurt, I hurt enough without putting myself through more.  I know it was a nephew... and you made the decision you made based upon your relationship but I wish you would think a little more about Paula and less about others.  Your friend.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

21
Child Loss / Re: Wondering
« on: January 07, 2011, 05:52:57 PM »
I am approaching my 6th year and all I can say about 5 is that I am number than ever before.  I hide my feelings so much better.  People say: I don't know how u do or did it and I say, either do I.  No one is inside me and I guess if the regular person could win an award I would be on this for being such a good actress.  I delude myself into thinking "it" didn't happen... He is away at a concert... but 6 years is fast approaching.  I am numb to most everything these days...don't know if any of this has helped.   
Rebecca Jason's Mom

22
Child Loss / Re: 2011: Sensitive musings
« on: January 01, 2011, 06:24:35 PM »
Nothing will be the same.  We have joy back in our lives witht the birth of our granddaughter and yet, not a minute goes by when holding her or watching her that I don't think about that Jason should be enjoying her as well.  Today, a friend of our daughter and SIL came over and she took professional photo's for the birth announcement.  Then she took family shots... Well, it was the 4 our us but should have been 5.  I talked to Lylah today and told her a few things about her Uncle Jason.But it is not the same.
    I am happy for Matthew and his engagment.  Siblings go on and I don't think we can not expect that to happen.  I was the sibling when my brother died and I went on... while my mother with two other children and grandchildren, will herself to death.. took too many antidepressants, and wound up eventually developing illnesses that killed her.
    I am glad that Kaitlan seems to be coming around.  It does sound strange thought that the Dr. say she might not have a mental illness and it could have been the drugs.  How long has she been on drugs.    I hope u straighten all that out. 
    Our husbands react differently tha we do and I think we have to respect that.  I don't always but would like to .  Thinking of uou.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

23
Child Loss / First Grandchild
« on: December 26, 2010, 03:21:08 PM »
Our daughter gave birth to a beautiful 7.5 baby girl, Lylah Rose, last Sunday.  There are no words to describe how we feel about the baby.  The sadness we feel that Uncle Jason will never see her, kiss her, love her, is unbelievable.  No, those of you who are grandparents understand.  I started to talk about her Uncle Jason and will until the day I die.  So many emotions.!
Rebecca Jason's Mom

24
Child Loss / Re: My Mom Passed Away Today
« on: December 06, 2010, 12:25:32 AM »
My condolences.  But with what we have all been through with our children leaving too early, you probably feel at peace and released from the burden of seeing her as a helpless, hopeless person, not the Mom u knew.  I hope you can rest this one out.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

25
I feel for your losses.  I have had many also and each one brings about another, sometimes different pain.  There is also the loss of a friend, just by not being around when I need them.  Anyway, we all understand.  My son, Jason, died at 31 of a heart attack, which will be 6 years in Feb.  This time of year hurts so much.  Allow yourself what u need regardless of those around u.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

26
Child Loss / Re: Chanukah
« on: December 03, 2010, 04:02:41 PM »
Well, we use to celebrate it when the kids were home.  I have such fun memories.  This year I want to forget it like I want to forget every other holiday.  Tonight is Friday and sometimes we go to Temple.  I said I did not want to go tonight because they are celebrating chanukah and there will be lots of happy kids and happy parents, some of them friends of Jason's.  There is also a dedication of a room for a friend of ours and we feel compelled to go.  I hate when I have to do the right thing when I don't want to.  Hopefully, next year we will start the cycle over with our grandchild and maybe some of the feelings will change.  Holidays are terrible and that's the way it is.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

27
Child Loss / Re: Dear Dan, love, Mom
« on: December 03, 2010, 03:57:25 AM »
U hit the nail on the head for me. thank u.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

28
Child Loss / How to ask without asking
« on: November 24, 2010, 11:45:30 PM »
This is the first year since Jason died that we are having Thanksgiving.  It is my most favorite holiday and it was his.  Our daughter is due to give birth in a few weeks and we all wanted to stay close. Our dearest friends are moving permanently to Fla.so another loss of our hearts.  I seem to be the only one who realizes the magnitude of no Jason again this year.  I made one of his favorite dishes and cried and I did. I feel so empty when I need to feel full with what I do have.  I miss him so. I miss my husband who is here but I really know that he is just here.  yes, he is affectionate, always doing for me but the prior husband is gone.  Maybe because we are older.  Maybe becaujse we have grown apart.  I don't know what to do.  i know I can't leave and leave a hole for the rest of my family especially with the baby coming.  I feel like a shell of a person walking talking doingon the outide and being stone cold on the inside.  I am 63, look and act younger and want to have some kind of life befoe mine is over.  I don't know what to do.  it is 1am and again i cannot sleep.  too many thanksgiving memories rummagine around from yearss gone by.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

29
Child Loss / Re: New Baby Coming.
« on: November 21, 2010, 01:59:39 PM »
We are expecting a new baby too and my daughter didn't tell us until she was almost in her fifth month.  I have had one stillborn, two live birth and 3 miscarriages, so I am sure she is afraid.  I am afraid too but I am also afraid that if this baby is a boy, I will think he is mine.  I want so to have my Jason back, although he was 31 when he diied, I still see and feel him at times like a baby.  This is a wonderful time for us and a painful time as well. It is so hard for me to think about all of this.  Hope all goes well with you.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

30
Child Loss / Vacation
« on: November 13, 2010, 12:11:13 PM »
We are back from a week in Aruba. I spent a lot of time, watching young or medium age Dad's with their young children.  It hurt my heart. I am wondering does anyone know of a website or has anyone had the latest pic of their child aged to see what he would have looked like.  Just wondering.   It is so hard to be so happy (our granchild to be born in about 5-6 weeks and then thinking that Jason will not physically be a part of the whole process, at least in the live physical form.  Life is very hard.  Laffing and then stopping myself to realize how can I laff and hurt all at the same time.  Anyone have any answers to that questions.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

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