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Topics - Rebecca

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Child Loss / Paula Bruchner
« on: December 13, 2009, 02:25:00 PM »
If you are reading but not posting, please let me (us) know how ur family and u r doing?
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Saturday and Sunday at home
« on: December 12, 2009, 08:29:41 AM »
Too much time to think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / First Night of Chanukah
« on: December 10, 2009, 06:06:52 PM »
When the kids were little, we would buy them a small present for each night of the holiday.  As they got older we did what so many other parents do, Christian and non Christian, buy one big present.  Well, tonight is the first night of Chanukah and it is just like any other night.  We didn't even light a candle.  We are too sad.  Our daughter is in Chic and not able to get out, and for once I am glad.  I don't want Chanukah without my boy.  If I can't have him here, I don't want to celebrate for 8 nights.   I feel so bad feeling this way because of my daughter.  I just hope that she does not come to this site although I don't think she does. Chanukah is not Christmas and it does not mean too much to me.  It was a biggie when the kids were little.  Now, Jason is gone and I miss him more and more each day.  It is so hard for me when I hear his name, naturally belonging to someone else, but his name said or called outloud non the less.  I don't think this true feeling of emptyness will ever go away... and I don't want it to because I miss him so much.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Ready to Explode - what to do?
« on: December 09, 2009, 05:52:10 PM »
I work with a woman who has two sons and a daughter plus 3 grandchildren.  She is very computer literate and I use her for my needs with the computer.  All she talks about are her "sons".  I, for the most part, just shake my head because I don't want to alienate her for fear, not really fear of her not helping me with the computer when I need it.  Well, today as I walked in my office and there was someone else sitting there she said, paraphrasing but very close " I texted (wrong  word but she speak poorly anyway, even with her Masters Degree) my children and said Hi, hope you are having a wonderful day and ILU.  My daughter texted back saying the day is terrible, my Son Craig (by now I know her childrens' names, anyway, my Son Craig, texted back and said" what the hell is wrong with you and my Son Kristopher called and said, R u ok, why would you text that? So, obviously she does not tell her children too often that she loves them but, why tell me this story.  I just shook my head and walked out but I wanted to scream, I'd give anything to text my "children".  Was there a reason I needed to know this whole thing.  She knows all about Jason but I don't talk much about his dying or living for that matter because she says that she views dying differently than I do.  Well let's see, G-d forbid, that one of her children dies, how will she view it?  I don't feel that I can say that to her.  I just needed to vent, but if you have any ideas on how to handle her and her incessent talking about her children, please le let me know.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Thanksgiving away
« on: November 20, 2009, 05:48:20 AM »
Thanksgiving has always been one of my most favorite holidays.  I love to have the smells of the turkey, etc. in my home.  I love to invite many people and just have a fun day.  Well, we are going to our daughter's sister in law MIL.  Our closest friends will be joining us.  All of these people are just wonderful.  The only person missing is my Jason.  I will see him wherever he is in the room but will miss him more and more because he loved this holiday, especially string bean casserole.  I love you Jason and know that you are always in my heart, and will be two fold on this your 4th Thanksgiving, running around in the sky with Jerry Garcia.  I love you my son.
Rebecca Jason's Mom... and right now my heart is beating because I can feel him kiss cheek.

Child Loss / Been Away
« on: November 17, 2009, 09:07:06 PM »
We were in Aruba and I have not had a chance to catch up on here yet.  We are leaving again on Friday for Fla for Thanks, going with our daughter and SIL. It is very tough but I have to do this for my daughter.  Thanks has always been my most favorite holiday, and I can see Jason sitting to my right all the time.  While away, we went on a tour.  On the tour, there was a church.  Now you all know I am Jewish but I wanted to go into the Church to look at it.  There was a woman there lighting a candle and I watched her.  She turned to me and said:  My son died last Dec and I was in Aruba when he died.  She startedt to cry.  I said, I am so sorry but I know exactly how u feel for I lost my son almost 5 years ago.  She said what is his name and I said Jason. She lit a candle and said his name.  There had to be a message here.  Why would I be the one who watched her light the candle? Anyone have an ideas?
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Three Times Yesterday
« on: October 24, 2009, 09:50:07 AM »
#1 Two women left my office and one was taking Holloween decorations out of the second ones car.  Just as I walked by she pulled out a wooden coffin with a skelton  falling out of it, thinking nothing of it.  I understand it is Holloween, but all I could see was Jason's coffin and knowing he was in a box just like that.  Started to cry.   #2 I went to the supermarket and ran into a woman I had not seen in a long time.  She said:  "how are your kids, then realized what she said and said:  I mean how is your kid...I turned around and said, without thinking...oh, u r ok.. Jason and Maryn are fine... then I stopped and realized what I said and said...oh, I mean Maryn and Brett are fine.  #3  I went to Temple, alone last night. I was sitting there when I noticed a guy who looked like Jason from the back.  I then looked at his pants and his shoes.  I knew that it was Jason's friend Matt.  Matt is not Jewish but he is interested in religions and he came with someone.  I walked over, touched his should and saw it was made.  I stroked his head, his face and kissed him.  The sad part is that I did not do this to Matt, in my head I was doing it to Jason.   Three very tough scenerios in from 4P until 8P.  I came home and just cried.

Child Loss / Again, pictures
« on: October 22, 2009, 03:53:17 PM »
Just now I walked down my hall and glanced at Jason's picture.  My heart jumped.  My head said:  I don't want to look at these because he is gone.  His pictures do not make me feel good.  I feel such sadness when I look at them.  He was very goodlooking and it is such a shock to me that after almost 5 years I still can't believe that he is gone.  Our table lacks one occupied seat, when we go away, Jason is not there to call us.  So many things so much pain... especially when I look at the pictures.  I know many of you can look at them but for me... it hurts me too much to realize that Jason is never coming back.  Why oh why... and I know that no one can answer that question. I just felt the need to write this again... nothing has changed for me with the pictures.. Maybe I am a coward and wish the  pictures were gone so that I would not have to look at them.  I lower my eyes most times when I walk by, just not to look.  Actually, I see his picture behind my eyes, all the time.. thanks for listening.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Only u understand
« on: October 17, 2009, 06:08:25 PM »
Thanks to all for replies to my "Simple Statement".  No one other than those of you on here would really understand, nor would I want them to because of experiencing the same.  Almost five years here and I read everyday.  I know that I don't respond as often as I use to but know that when each one of you writes, I read it and process.  Maybe I am being selfish for not responding to each one of you and if I am, I am sorry.  I too understand each and every post.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / A simple statement, brought on tears
« on: October 17, 2009, 09:25:43 AM »
I was just reading Facebook and my friend has her entire family with her this weekend, including her one and only, so far, grandchild.  She wrote that they are all at home...grandson too... "and it just doesn't get any better than this".  Now this is a simple statement, one that we all would have made at one time.  My thought was... and I will never have it like that because Jason will never be here to complete our family.  I just hurt all over.  I know that no one ever thinks how we read and interpret things nor should they because they are so happy.  Yes, I will get over this statement, but it does burn a hole in my chest.
Rebecca, Jason's Mom

Child Loss / People in our lives
« on: October 17, 2009, 02:58:00 AM »
How many, and what relationship of people have you lost since the death of your child.  My sister stopped talking to me or my husband or daughter about 3 months after Jason died.  A good friend of my just stopped cold.  I thought there were more but I guess not.  Well, two is not too bad.  It is 5AM and I can't sleep.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Suicide - SENSATIVE
« on: October 12, 2009, 07:40:41 PM »
A few months ago, our friend Marsha died of cancer.   We have a whole group and it was a painstaking death as well as difficult for her family and friends to watch.  Marsha and her husband so graciously made Jason's headstone.  They were in a business where they made countertops etc., and offered to make anything we wanted.  My husband and I worked on it for a long time and finally got what we wanted.  We had John make a replica of the Red Rocks of Colorado where Jason loved to spend his free time, enjoying concerts.  Well, my friend called today to tell me that Marsha's son committed suicide on Sun.  He was a Superintendent of a school system, well loved by all.  Such a sad story.  I am thankful that his mother did not have to live through it.  He leaves a wife, and a daughter plus his father, (not married to my friend Marshal anymore) and a sister.  He and his sister were just beginning to rebuild bridges.  All that goes through my head is:  What's it all about Alfie?
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Update on Upset
« on: October 11, 2009, 06:44:57 PM »
So, the young women is in jail.  Her grandfather called me and said:  His granddaughter keeps calling saying she is feeling better and wants to leave.  He said:  Please go and see her.  Well, this was on Friday, then there is the weekend and Monday I am off.  So, off I go to the jail.  Seems to take forever.  I get to see her and she starts giving me the dance... she knows what she did wrong, she will go straight to rehab and stay, and on and on and on... it was difficult but I said... nope, you are staying right here.  I told her the truth that she could get an attorney and fight it... but in the end the judge would decide and I could almost guarantee that he would give her her full time which would be 545 days so with good time it is half.  I said that if she spent would expend as much energy going to the class rather than trying to get out of jail, she would be way ahead of the game.  After almost 45 minutes of talking with her I said:  It is your decision... but I will tell you that I give you less than 24 hrs after being released and you will be on the lookout and finding someone to get you the heroin.  Finally she said:  I know you are right I just hate it here.  Who likes jail, but if this is the place that will keep you clean and safe... this is where you belong.  So, I left for the weekend feeling so much better about it all.  Thank you for all of your good words.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Upset
« on: October 07, 2009, 04:18:05 PM »
A young probationer of mine, with a heroin addiction, went to an unlocked rehab facility.   She called me this morning, crying, that she left last night because she was talking to her former boyfriend, also her co-defendant in heroin use, and she was so upset she left.  After leaving, naturally, she used.  I thought about trying to get her back into the rehab but the more she talked, I just knew that she wouldn't stay.  After reading about so many of your children who died of overdoses, I knew I had to do something, so I went to the Judge and I had her put in jail with the understanding that she is to stay until she completes the jail program.  The female program may not happen for a few months but at least she will have time to get clean.  I just saw this beautiful child, overdosing and my heart and blood starting pumping.  I know that jail is not the answer but she had been on the streets, selling belongings to get $ for drugs and I just thought that this is a way of at least keeping her safe, if only for a little while if she doesn't take to the substance program.  Her family was so thankful.  I feel relieved that she is safe.  It was just a terribly upsetting day for me.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Jewish New Year - More tears
« on: September 27, 2009, 10:57:36 AM »
Well, the table is set for 21.  The food is cooked for 40 and all I have been doing when I am alone is cry.  At 1:30 I am going to a service at the Cemetary and then I will sit at Jason's grave for a while.  Since we have been married for going on 41 years, we have had many, many, holiday meals, and mostly with our own family and friends.  As I have said here before, my only sister, stopped talking to us about 3 months after Jason died.  Why, I have no clue.  Her husband and son are the same.  In my wildest dreams, I cannot imagine why, especially since she saw what our mother went through losing our brother at 23.  So, our family is the 4 of us.  My husband does not have any siblings.  When we die, our daughter will be the lone surivivor of our lineage, on either side if she does not have children.  My husband was not happy that I started our with a few people and ended up with 21, and he let me know, but before he came to me and apologized because he saw the pleasure our daughter is feeling about all the people coming for the meal.  This is what she is use to and when she lived in Boston, she did the same, invited many.  So, how do I do this without my son.  How is it all possible that he is not with us.   and why... I know there will never be any answers.  So to Paula, we are in the same situation.  There may be others.  I will remember all of our children when I pray tonight.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

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