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Topics - Rebecca

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31
Child Loss / Chat with Faye
« on: February 09, 2010, 08:05:25 PM »
Faye just got back from Boston and the funeral of her stepson Nathan.  He was 44. She asked how I found out and I told her that DebH let us know on here.  She was so happy a few weeks ago about the engagement of her son and then the death of her stepson.  He was found by his fiancee.  She just can't understand all the pain her family has gone through.  Who can understand it.  I told her of a probationer I had whose g/f's son died in Iraq and yesterday her second son died of cancer which was diagnosed after her first son died.  I don't understand any of this... and I guess I never will.  Maybe someday I will get the spiritual factor... and some days I do, others not.  It does not make any sense to me how I can have the spiritual feeling and then not.  I am sort of a mess right now... but wanted to let u know about Faye.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

32
Child Loss / Feb 10th
« on: February 09, 2010, 07:55:18 PM »
Is the date the coroner said Jason died, 5 years ago.  How can I sleep tonight knowing that sometime tomorrow my son died.  I knew all along about the 10th but we chose to focus on the 13th when we found him.  Either way, 5 years.  Too much for me to handle.  My husband is in Chic with our daughter's dog and he won't even be here tomorrow although I am going in on Friday so we can be together on the 13th,  Sat.  I think we will go to one of Jason's favorite restaurants and try to sit in the booth that we sat when he took us there.  I don't think I reacted so strongly years before this anniversary.  I just feel so alone... scared to be alone... with my thoughts... I do have his dog, Jesse and I will make sure to keep her close tonight. 
Rebecca Jason's Mom

33
Child Loss / Jealous of others
« on: February 07, 2010, 08:28:47 PM »
Yes, here I've said it.. I am jealous of the pics and wonderful stories I read on facebook of friends and people I know enjoying their children and grandchildren.  Yes, I enjoy my daughter and yes, others on here are jealous of me..I understand all that, but it simply does not take away the pain I am feeling right now and I can't even express it outloud.  I just hurt and as someone said here... we drop that mask as soon as we walk through our own door..so I have to write it as I just read about someone gushing about their grandson and another on the way and all I can talk about is my granddogs... I am sorry if I have hurt anyone here..I don't mean to... I just need to get it off my chest.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

34
Child Loss / Miserable, but made a choice
« on: February 06, 2010, 10:40:23 AM »
I am so miserable, so unhappy but I made a choice.  I was going to just stay in bed and cry.  My husband is going to Chic to help our daughter out all week and I have to stay behind because of work.  Today is Sat. The sun is shining.  I was going to drive him to the train and then be alone.  I decided to call my daughter and see if I could come in with out dog, since they have a puppy, stay overnight and leave tomorrow.  She did not call me all week and I was very upset.  She called this morning and said that work had her crazy and she could not call.  So, I decided to take the risk and not stay in bed and go.  She sounded happy and my mind which races in all directions now, feels quieter.  We are getting so close to the 5th anniv and I am a mess.  I don't know what difference it makes, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year or five... he is still gone... This hurting is just too painful and so tiring. Wearing the mask is a difficult job.  Thanks for listening. If Faye is reading, my heart is with you and your family.  We will be in Boca in March and I would love to meet u.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

35
Child Loss / A zombie
« on: February 04, 2010, 06:00:15 PM »
I am walking around like a zombie.  I don't want to talk to my husband, or anyone for that matter.  I grit my teeth rather than talk.  How could it be 5 years since Jason died and how do I go on and then, now, I feel despondent.  Kids came around to sell girlscout cookies.  I always bought Jason several boxes of the mint.  He was a chocoholic and mint to.  Last week I bought my daughter a box of mint.  I called my sil to ask what kind he would like and he said:  none... I wanted to cry.  then he said:  We still have some of the mint.  So, I bought four boxes.  for who, I don't know.  Two choc mint because of Jason. I just feel like I am going to explode. I want to scream and cry like I use to but I can't because now I more numb than before.  I miss him so much and really so much more than ever before.  Everything reminds me of Jason.  I want an answer.  I can't even feel good spiritually.  I am in such pain and am taking meds for it.  I have not been back to the psych.  because I say the same things, over and over and I don't want to pay $50.00 for that.  Just venting.  Thanks for reading.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

36
Child Loss / Jason and cigarettes
« on: January 29, 2010, 04:59:03 AM »
Jason smoked and sometimes, a lot.  Lately, all around me I smell smoke.  Even after a shower.  My probationers come in smelling of smoke but I use a spray and it usually goes away.  But when I am home, no one smokes and I just feel like it is in my pores.  I miss him so.  I can't even cry.  I want to talk to everyone about how I feel but it the same old thing.  Why.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Sometimes I am so strong but not lately.  I just want to crawl into bed, but I know the best place for me is at work.  I love my work.  I asked my husband if he smelled smoke and he said:  No... so... it must be my imagination.  Thanks for listening.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

37
Child Loss / Broke Down
« on: January 17, 2010, 07:49:58 AM »
It has been a while since I broke down but yesterday was IT.  Someone sent me pics of my brother who died at 23 and I saw so much of him in Jason.  Then we are coming up to 5 years and I have no idea where the 5 years went.  I realized that even though I have good things in my life, I am just a sad person.  I dream sad dreams, I think sad thoughts.  I don't like who I turned in to.  Many times I don't give a dam.  I need to shop for some clothes and I have no desire.  I am an early diabetic and yesterday I ate so much pizza (poison for me and I know it) that it put me in lala land and I slept the day away, and felt lousy too.  Thanks for listening to me vent.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

38
Child Loss / Meditation 1/6/10
« on: January 06, 2010, 03:59:37 AM »
The best way to love G-d is to love many things. Vincent Van Gogh --

To be vulnerable is to be human at the most profound and enriching level.  his reading was not one that I could wrap my head around and agree.  I wish I had the time to type the whole thing out, but I do not.  If anyone wants the whole paragraph, let me know and I will type it tonight.

Rebecca Jason's Mom 

39
Child Loss / Gone 29 years
« on: January 06, 2010, 03:53:40 AM »
29 years ago today my 23 year old brother died.  Can I remember every detail of the day he died, no.  I never thought I would say that.  Maybe because of age, maybe because losing Jason took over, I don't know.  But, what I do know is I remember his smile, his jokes, and how much he loved his nephew Jason.  He would take Jason with him for ice cream when Jason was about 3 or 4 so that he, would pick up girls and then my brother would swoop in.  I love u Harry, I felt like your Mother being 10 years older than u and know that you and Jason are still trying to pick up girls. 
Rebecca Jason's Mom

40
Child Loss / Daily Meditation - 1/5/10
« on: January 05, 2010, 04:00:59 AM »
I had the wrong date for yesterday's meditation, but the right meditation. For today:  1/5/10            "Sometimes when I am feeling down, I am muy own worst enemy.  Let me be my friend.

I would like to try and have these quote become a discussion of how we felt, reading the quote and how it was for us for the day. 

The one I wrote for yester about keep me on the lookout for some who needs me... well, in my line of work, that could be one of 20 people in a day.  It was a young man who lied to me twice about using marijuana.  I am bringing him back to Court but will also try and find some help.  The problem is he says he has no $.  He is only 21 with a 3 year old child who his father has custody of.  But, instead of looking at his problems head on, he uses marijuana to disguise the..

The one for 1/1/ asks to honor and trust the processof of grief ... in time a new day will come.  Well, it will be 5 years and I can say that new days have come, especially where my daughter is concerned.  But the hole opens again when I leave an have to be with myself.  This is a difficult one for me.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

41
Child Loss / Great Saying
« on: January 04, 2010, 06:51:17 PM »
I just read the following:  Death ends a life, not a relationship.  Wow... to me this is very powerful.
Any thoughts?  For me, Jason is still my son, just in a different form. 
Rebecca, Jason's Mom

42
Child Loss / Daily Meditation 1/5/10 and 1/1/10
« on: January 04, 2010, 06:06:04 AM »
I don't have much to say on here lately, but I don't want to just walk away when there are others who might need a hand held or some kind words.  So I decided that when I can, I will write the little blurb and the bottom of "Healing After Loss", daily if I can.  Maybe we can start a discussion about that reading.
    "Keep me on the lookout for someone who needs me now".  I will check back at the end of the day with how this phrase went for me.
Rebecca, Jason's Mom ( I will do two until we catch up).

1/1/10 - May I honor - and trust - the processes of grief and of healing, knowing that, in time, a new day will come.

43
Child Loss / All Around, Happiness
« on: December 20, 2009, 03:50:38 PM »
People wish me Merry Christmas; I smile say thank you and same to you.  Then my heart drops.  Soon whatever is left of my heart will be following me on the floor.  I am not Christian so Merry Christmas means nothing...smiling people, eating, drinking, laughing, complaining about $, complaining about putting up the tree.  I just feel so out of the loop of life.  We spend time with our daughter and her husband.  We went with them to look at their new puppy... Oh how I wish she were pregnant instead.  She is now in Chic.  she is now in a home... she  now has another dog... Please dear G-d, do not give her trouble getting pregnant.  She will be an awesome mother.  I will be a great grandmother... loving, kissing.. but I don't want to be that grandmother when I am too old to enjoy a baby.  I just want a little bit.  I remember how happy I was when she got married.  Four months later Jason was gone.  It will be five years and I still shake my head...  what's it all about.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

44
Child Loss / For All Others
« on: December 13, 2009, 02:30:58 PM »
Soon it will be 7P in Indiana and I have been thinking about all of you that we have not seen on here for a while.  I think of all of you.  Sometimes I don't remember each and every Mom or child by name but my memory does get jogged when I see a post or something else.  Please know that each and every one has his/her own reasons for not writing as much as before.  That is fine, as long as you are reading and maybe still getting some solice from this forum.  I don't write too much lately either but I am finding that my heart is hurting even more  lately.  I guess the holiday and all who enjoy knock me down.  Whenever someone asks: How are you and I say find I want to kick myself because I know I am not really fine but wear a fine mask all the time.  Here's hoping that more candles are going to be lit tonight, with loving thoughts of all of our children.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

45
Child Loss / Jarek's Mom
« on: December 13, 2009, 02:27:23 PM »
U r also on my mind.  After losing Jarek, I can't imagine how u r.  Someone on here was in touch with you but we have not heard anything.  I can't imagine but if you read, I want u to know that you too are in my heart.
Rebecca Jason' Mom

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