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Topics - Rebecca

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Child Loss / Soon to be grandmother
« on: August 01, 2010, 05:32:26 PM »
I think I might have mentioned here that my daughter is pregnant.  She is 5 months and waited as long as she could to tell us because she knows what we went through.  I don't discuss any problems with pregnancy etc., because she has a wonderful doctor, a wonderful husband, and I don't need to add any more worries on to her shoulders. I will say though that many times when I look at her my mind goes back to when I was preg. with Jason and with her.  When I held them in my arms for the first time it was as if the world stood still just for me.  There really are no explanable words for the birth of a child as there are no explainable words for the death of a child.  There are days when I find breathing a chore.  Our daughter made friends with a couple in Boston who lost their only son.  He was a freshman in college.  They are coming to visit them in Chic and she invited us to join them for breakfast.  So, here she is pregnant, we are to be grandparents and this couple will never be where we will be. Oh how I feel for them.  Life is good because another generation will soon be born of our genes, life sucks also.  How do we understand all of this.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Good News
« on: July 01, 2010, 04:11:39 AM »
We just learned that our daughter is 4 month preg. with her first child.  I always wanted a grandchild.  I remember almost everything about when my children were born and babies.  Ok, so all of you know where I am going here.  I was so happy and so dam sad all at the same time.  When Jason was born it was as if every dream I ever had was fulfilled.  I always wanted children.  I was pregnant six times and gave birth to to live births.  Amongst those miscarriages was one stillborn on July 6th...I was never allowed to see him and he was buried without me.  I was not allowed or I should say it was strongly suggested that I not see Jason as he had died about 3 days before we found him and I listened.  Any of you Mom's who have experienced what we are going through, losing one child and then having another have a baby, how did you deal with it.  I never want to make my daughter's happiness not be mine but I know how much Jason loved children and he would have been over the top with a niece or nephew.  Please give me some sage advice.  I walk around all the time with my mask on so now it is thicker  for I don't want my daughter to see outward signs of sadness on me.  I never did and I really have tried not to show when anything hurt that she was involved in.  Any advice would be appreciated
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Jealous
« on: June 13, 2010, 04:27:21 PM »
I read on facebook from a friend from high school that she thanks her family for a wonderful weekend, they came from 2 states.  I know she has three sons and grandchildren... I am jealous... I feel guilty... like I have said, over and over I do have a daughrer but I still want Jason.

Child Loss / Hugh Lump
« on: June 05, 2010, 04:08:24 AM »
This is really the only place where I can unload my feelings.  Sure I talk to my husband but it doesn't seem to come out the same way.  Today we are going into Chic to see our daughter and her husband's uncle and aunt.  We are friendly with them so we will have a good time.  While I say this over and over, I know Jason would never have come in with us... just knowing that he was either at his home... or on the road with friends or working or whatever was complete.  I guess what I am saying is that I am never complete.  The more people say in general just rubs me the wrong way and I just keep my mouth shut but the bile in my throat just keeps growing.  I just want to cry and in a group I keep that at bay as well.  My reason for saying I am selfish in a prior post is that I do have my daughter and there are many parents our their who have lost their only child and how dare I not embrace all of my good fortune with her, because so many others don't have that option.  I read here every day but don't want to write the same, same stuff.  I miss not seeing my compadres who joined this painful lot about the same time I did, but I bet they feel like I do.  What can I say that hasn't been said before without scaring others away.  But I will end by saying without Web Healing, I don't know how much lower I could be.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / I am selfish
« on: May 30, 2010, 07:03:02 AM »
and I know it.   After having a really nice two days with my daughter and her husband, I so want Jason back, to be a part of our family.  We went to buy flowers, set up the front of the house and I want him here.  My heart aches.  Yet, I know going to buy flowers, etc. was not his  thing so he would not have gone anyway.  It's just so lonely knowing he is gone.  No amount of begging will get him back. Laffing, talking, making like life use to be does not change the condition.  I have so much with my daughter and yet, I want more.  I am selfish.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Saw Jason
« on: May 27, 2010, 04:59:03 AM »
In a dream, I saw Jason, clear as day.  He was sitting up high on a stoop on the street I use to live on as a child.  He was very preppie... he was waiting for someone to pick him up for school, I asked him to start walking with me.. we walked but it was on sand, out to the beach... and on either sides of the beach were houses in the water.  I was not his mother but his sister.  I think all this facebook with pics of where I use to live had something to do with it. His face was as real as if he was wonder I don't think he is dead. 
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Just plain tired
« on: May 18, 2010, 05:06:46 AM »
I have been doing a lot more crying lately and my body is just plain tired.  We are going away this weekend to meet the wife of a friend of Jason's from years ago and his twins.  There will be Jason stories, explanation of pictures, etc.  I am already in fear.  So why go?  I ask myself that all the time.  My husband does not want to go but is going for me.  Do you think, we abuse ourselves, our bodies, our minds, for a reason?  That the abuse takes away pain.  I am talking mentally, not by physically hurting ourselves.  I don't do any of that, like cutting.  I just feel tired and I want the pain to go away but I know it won't.  Somedays are good.  When we see our daughter and have fun with her... so it is not doom and gloom all the time but when it hits, it is like a tornedo.  Just some thoughts b4 work.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / They Just Don't Know
« on: May 09, 2010, 05:42:59 PM »
I got a call today from my husband's cousin, wishing me the best of the best for Mother's Day.  The best of the best would be Jason wishing it to me, in the flesh.  I know his cousin means well but it hurts so badly.  But, I say thank you because to say anything else would also be hard for me because I know they love me very much and want only the best too.  Time does not heal all wounds!
Rebecc Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Insult to Injury
« on: April 27, 2010, 03:47:19 AM »
So my husband found a friend on facebook that he has not spoken to in 40 years.  The phone is on mic so as I set my foot into the computer room I hear David say, I have a son, Jason, 31 years old.  I thought I would lose my lunch.  It seems I am getting hit at every curve. 
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Found Jason's Religious Cup
« on: April 25, 2010, 02:05:22 PM »
While cleaning out my breakfront, I found a box, I looked to see if it was marked and it said:"Jason's Bar Mitzvah Cup".  I just broke down.  It came out of the blue...there is no one to hand it down to.  No sons or daughters. What do I do with it.  This pain deepens, burns, and the tears just keep coming and coming.  Thanks for listening.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / I read
« on: April 21, 2010, 04:31:10 AM »
I read every day but, unfortunately, I have nothing new or profound to say.  I walk and talk and eat, and miss Jason until I feel like my heart is going to explode... but I guess the important part is that after 5.5 years, I can still walk and talk... I don't know how it happens but it does.  Sorry I am not more active.  Deb... the spring summer is here... R we meeting in Chic.  Anyone else want to meet?
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Vacation
« on: March 17, 2010, 07:57:35 PM »
We are going away for 17 days and I will not have a computer.  I hope that you all have as peaceful a holiday, be it Passover or Easter, as you can.  Dena, I hope your husband improves each day.  I also hope that while I am gone, no one new join us.  I will keep all of you in my heart.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / So Quiet on Here
« on: February 18, 2010, 06:27:17 AM »
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  In my earliest days of grief, I was on here, hours and hours, writing and writing.  Now I read every day but seem to be void of words.  I feel like to people, day person...working, helping, tight, walking away from stupid comments rather than responding and night person,  being just quiet, reading some, a bit of tv. and sleep.  Only to begin the same miserable existence all over again.  I am an unhappy person but now I wonder and have for a while, have I ever been happy?  I have had such turmoil in my life, with so many people dying that I think I am dead inside.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / Yesterday - Thank u
« on: February 11, 2010, 05:37:25 AM »
Thank u for all your support, and my thoughts are with those who share this same week with us.  I was quiet at work and a co-worker for talks about her sons, non-stop asked me if anything was wrong.   I was so quiet.  Yes, I thought, I can't stand all of your bull shit, your power, etc., and to top it off... today is the day that they say Jason died, so each minute I think, while I am talking to you, could it have been the time that his heart stopped, 5 years ago.  But I said.  No... thanks... and walked into my office and closed the door.  The sad part is I could not cry.  I was really more dead than feeling so I could not cry.  I will be leaving tomorrow and spend the weekend with my husband on Sat. which is the date we found him so maybe we can cry together.  I cry for Jason, I cry for our relationship, what should I do.  He is so good and kind to me.  I am so miserable and I will be the same way alone or if I find someone else.  It is not him, he is who he has been for the last 40 years. I have changed and I don't like it but it is the way it is.  Maybe, I should just put myself into an assisted living... I am only 62 but I would have it all done and I could just stay in my room and be alone...stupid thinking as I need my insurance.  Time to go, real life and thinking happens because I have to go to work.  Again Thanks for writing.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

Child Loss / How do I?
« on: February 10, 2010, 06:05:31 AM »
go to work, interact with people who are on power highs, which mean nothing to me, knowing that at any moment, at any hour, on this date, 5 yrs ago, Jason died. I was not with him.  I didn't even know it happened.  How do I switch my brain not to obsess on what it was like.  His two dogs were with him for the 3 days.  They tore open their food.  They drank from the toilet. They used the house as their refuse place, because he did not take them out.  When these stupid people worry about having the last word, which word means nothing, in the scope of the universe, what do I do.  When each and every one of us leaves a job, two weeks later, no one mentions you.  We had a judge who retired, everyone loved him, he loved everyone, well, now no one even mentions his name.  He doesn't keep in touch with anyone - so in the scope of the universe, who gives a dam?
Rebecca Jason's Mom

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