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Messages - Irene

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Parent Loss / Re: anniversary date
« on: November 02, 2010, 08:07:42 PM »
Terry and Browneyedgirl,
   Thank you for your replies. Thankfully the pain has subsided over the years, but the anniversary date is the most difficult day I face.

Parent Loss / anniversary date
« on: November 02, 2010, 09:38:00 AM »
   It has been 6 years ago today, that my mother passed away. I came here almost 6 years ago now, after my mother died suddenly, and I was completely lost. Thanks to the support of people who were here(Lauren in particular), and friends I was able to make it through. Every year at this time, is like a remake of the movie Groundhog Day. I relive those last few days, in my memory, over and over from October 31 to November 2nd.
  I can't believe 6 years have gone by. I never thought I would be able to make it to this point. I still miss my mother tremendously, but my message to others, is that you will make it through, now matter how hard it may seem now. I also have never forgotten those of you that helped me in my most difficult days in life. From the bottom of my hear, thank you.

Main / Re: I can't say goodbye yet
« on: October 26, 2010, 06:07:21 AM »
Hi Nanci,
   I don't know how to help you say goodbye to your mother. My Mother passed away 6 years ago, this coming November 2nd, and I never learned to say goodbye to her. It isn't that I haven't accepted that she is gone, but that I never felt the need to say goodbye.
As the anniversary date approaches, I find myself reliving those final days of her life. She was admitted to hospital, 3 days before she died, for testing, and then when they found the cause, there was no hope for a cure, and she died that day.
  I have learned to live without her physical presence here, but I keep a photo of her next to my bed. It gives me comfort to see her smiling face, looking at me as if to say,"Don't worry, it will all be okay," as she so often reassured me in life.
  A few days ago, my middle son received an academic award for consistently having high marks throughout high school. My mom grew up in World War 2, with a poor widowed mother and a younger sister, and my mom was ordered to quit school at 15 to help support the family. It was one regret that she always carried with her, and to hear academic successes of her children and grandchildren would make her tremendously proud. I wish that she was still here for me to share the news with, especially now as the anniversary date approaches. This is the one time, in the year that I find the most difficult. As the years go by, it does get easier. You will smile at the memories, in time.
Your grief is still so new.
   I wish this was a road that we did not have to travel, but there is no doubt in my mind that the grief does get easier to deal with, and the resulting strength that we derive from dealing with grief, does help us in going through life.

Main / Re: My husband's birthday is tomorrow
« on: September 14, 2010, 06:03:09 AM »
Hi Mousewife,

     I rarely post here now, but I did read your message and I wanted to say to you, that I hope that your husband's birthday fills you with happy memories. I've always found your posts to show that you have loved and continue to love your husband so much. You were blessed to have each other.

Hi Lauren,
  I just checked on this area of the site today, and haven't in awhile, so I had no idea what you were going through. I'm so sorry to hear about your being laid off. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I don't know what the future holds for you, but I do know that you're a survivor and something positive will come out of this.
I'm hoping for the best.

Main / Re: First Mothers Day without my mom
« on: May 03, 2010, 07:30:32 PM »
Hi Serenity,
   I don't always come to this board anymore, but still check in here and there, especially at this time of year,Mother's Day. I'm sorry to you and anyone else here who is dealing with the passing of their mothers and who are not looking forward to this coming Sunday. I'm one that's "been there" as you say.
 My mother passed away over 5 years ago now. I considered and still consider her to be one of the best friends that I ever have had. I would go to my mom, with my worries and problems, and she would always listen with a little smile on her face, as if to say, that everything would be okay. She was never too busy just to listen. To anyone who is struggling right now, I just want to say that it does get better. I still wish my mom was  here. I think we all would want our loved ones to still be here.
It has become easier over time, to carry on each day, with thoughts of my mother and smile when in the beginning there were so many tears. Mother's Day is still one of those days, when I feel the loss of my mom, but I know that I can make it through the day, as will you. I am a mother too, but my own sense of Mother's Day always revolved around trying to make my mom feel special, because it was something I wanted to do just to show her how much I appreciated her.
  I can smile now, about that first mother's day, where I was in so much denial, that the day was upon me, before I even realized that it was Mother's Day.
  I hope that you are able to do something on Mother's Day that you enjoy doing,
that will somehow make it easier to make it through. My friend used to say to me, when my mom first died, that I would need to take baby steps. Just think ahead, whatever time you are able(one minute, one hour) and just try to make it through each little bit of time. It does get better. I loved my mom, so very much, and her loss was without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have ever faced. I just want others to know it's possible to make it through. I will always be thankful to this board and members for being there for me when I needed it.

Main / Re: Miss my Mom
« on: March 31, 2010, 03:08:04 PM »
   I'm sorry that your mother passed away. Five and a half years ago, I first came to this site, and although I check in here and there, I rarely post now. Sometimes I feel the need to respond and this is one time. When my mother passed away suddenly, I was completely lost. I have close friends, but I felt completely alone in my grief. It was the most difficult thing I have ever been through. When I was at the funeral home, a woman who I knew slightly, came to me and said,"the hole will get smaller."
  I heard this advice from someone I hardly knew and yet I held onto this information like a lifeline. The good news is that it's true.
   I joined this site, about two weeks after my mom died, and found the persons that were here immensely helpful. It was another life saver for me. Every time I felt the waves crashing in, I would come here, or pick up a pen and just write letters to my mom. I did whatever I needed to make it through, but eventually things got easier.
   I still miss my mom, and know that she was the best friend anyone could ask for.
I still talk to her and feel that in spirit, she is not far away.

Main / Re: Holiday traditions to share?
« on: December 01, 2009, 12:03:56 PM »
  I come from a large family, and most of us are not particularly close, but have one sibling that we are close to. We've always had a get together near Christmas, and the meal would be potluck. It's been five years, since my mom passed away, but it was several years before that, that we would have the Christmas meals at my parents' place because the family had grown and it had just become too much for my mom. She died in November 2004, and we had our Christmas celebration at her church, where we had just had the funeral a month before. I wouldn't recommend that suggestion to anyone. That was unbearable.
  One thing that I've done since the first year that my mom has been gone is to purchase an angel in her memory, from a hospice house. The donation is something she would have done herself, and the angels have been a reminder that I haven't forgotten her(as if I would). This year is the first, that I am ready to just make a donation and possibly donate some toys or something else to a child in need. Something that has made it easier in the first few years, is not to try to do things exactly the way it had been when our mom was here. The hole that has been left behind is just too noticeable. It does get easier, but we never ever forget.

Main / Re: When will I be able to look at a picture of my mom?
« on: November 03, 2009, 12:28:49 PM »
Hi Linda,
   Yesterday, was the 5th anniversary of my mom's passing, and I often still check in here, but felt that I needed to respond to your post. This is just my feeling, but if it upsets you to look at your mom's pictures, then by all means, keep them away until you are ready to look at them.
   I would write letters in a journal to my mom, and I found that this made it easier for me over time. For the last few years, I have found that the anniversary dates were the hardest, as I would go through the last few days of her life in my head, over and over again. On the plus side, I know that some days as in anniversary dates, and holidays are difficult, but it does get easier over time.
 I found that first year tremendously difficult, and I feel sorry that you are enduring this now. It does get easier and it does get better. Learning to live with grief is a difficult process, but please know that you will one day be able to think of your mother and smile, and the joys in your life will return. We never stop loving our mothers, but the pain does subside.

Main / Re: Thanksgiving Canada
« on: October 19, 2009, 05:56:38 AM »
Thank you Bluegrass,
    I did have a nice Thanksgiving. I think that things will never be the same as they were 5 years ago, but I have learned that dealing and learning to live with grief,has given me a strength, I didn't know that I had.
   My message was meant to give others hope, and I'm glad that it has worked for you. Best wishes.

Main / Re: Thanksgiving Canada
« on: October 15, 2009, 06:23:29 AM »
   Cokie's little girl- I'm happy to give you some peace of mind. I used to come on here, and I think I would be a little envious of those that had some time to adjust to their grief, and still be able to live and breathe. My mom was my biggest supporter throughout my life. My husband and children love to repeat the story of how I tried out for the school choir in grade 4. My mom had always told me I had a beautiful voice, and well--I didn't know any better. I was singing my heart out, and the choir director leaned forward. I thought she couldn't believe how good my voice was. She tapped me on the head, which was the signal, that I wasn't good enough, and I was devastated. My mom, had to pick up the pieces of my devastation, and also encourage my sister who not only made the choir, but travelled through Europe with a specialty group. I smile when I tell this story, as I know my mom had a tough role, but she did it well.
   I was in the funeral "welcoming" line for my mother, and an acquaintance who recently lost her own mother, walked up to me and told me,"the hole will get smaller." I found that bit of advice, profoundly helpful. That hole does get smaller.
I know that no holiday will ever be the same without my mom. I still miss her and wish she were here every day, but she would have wanted me to be happy with my life, and I'm thankful I have been able to see that through time.
   Lauren-You do wonderful work on this board. I would come on here,when my mom died, with tears falling on to the keyboard, as I typed away all my thoughts. For never having met, I can say you are still a phenomenal friend. Yes, we have turkey and stuffing and pie and way too many calories here too. Thank you.


Main / Re: Thanksgiving Canada
« on: October 13, 2009, 05:50:35 AM »
Thanks to you both,
   I still come to read the messages often, so I am aware of you both. It's nice to meet you too. I used to come on here, every day and especially in the beginning, I would write my feelings down. It was enormously helpful. Yesterday, was one of those days, that just writing down what was going on in my head-helped.
  Yesterday, I went to see my dad in the nursing home. He has a fair amount of confusion now and usually asks why our mom, isn't coming to see him. That's a hard one. I know how much he loved her. Thankyou. 

Main / Thanksgiving Canada
« on: October 12, 2009, 04:55:10 AM »
   It's been a very long time that I have written to this board. Many of you will not know of me, but for years I was a regular contributor. Today, is the Canadian Thanksgiving, and I wanted to acknowledge part of the reason that I was able to keep going after my mom died. My mom died suddenly in November,2004.
   She hadn't been feeling well for a few months, and the doctor had diagnosed her with lactose intolerance. On Thanksgiving weekend, we would always get together, and I would cook the meal. On that last Thanksgiving weekend, I asked my mom about getting together, and she was neutral about it, which was honestly hurtful to me, but in hindsight there's been guilt about the fact that no one knew just how sick my mom really was.
   We did get together after all. My mom came out of her bedroom to eat the meal, but half way through she said that she didn't feel well and left to go back to her bedroom. This was the last Thanksgiving we shared. Two weeks later, she was admitted to the hospital for tests, and three days later she died. The diagnosis had been wrong, and what my mom had was actually gangrene in her bowels.
   I loved my mom more than words could ever say(and still do).  After she died, I was absolutely in complete despair. I found this site, and would correspond with people regularly. It was a lifeline for me. I don't know if many are still on this site, that were on when I joined, but one that was and still is, is Lauren. I am thankful that she was here to listen. Thank you as well to Tom Golden for hosting this site. It truly is a godsend.
   Those last few memories of my mom, pop into my head every year at this time, and revolve around continually till the anniversary date of her death is passed.
  Five years ago, I would never have thought I could live through the grief that consumed my life. I still miss my mom every day, but know that she is still with me in spirit. I want to give others the hope to go on.   

Main / Re: Memories of Mom
« on: May 08, 2009, 04:25:01 PM »
Thanks for starting this subject Sad Eyes. It has been awhile since I posted here, but this board is never far from my mind. I was thinking about my mom too, and this is one of those holidays coming up, which brings those memories of her, right to the forefront.
   Mother's Day and her birthday, were too really important days for me to show my mom just how much I loved her. My dad loved my mom more than anything, and always wanted to have the whole family together for Mother's Day. He always had a special cake made for her and even though my mom was really shy and didn't really need all of the hoopla, it happened anyway.
   After she died, and my sisters were cleaning out her drawers, there were all kinds of cards and gifts that we had made for her tucked away. She didn't throw anything out.
  Mother's Day was my opportunity for me to show my mom how much I absolutely loved her, and in a way doing this today, is giving her that same tribute. That love did not die. Thanks for listenning.

Main / Re: Talk to me Mommy
« on: November 10, 2008, 08:17:41 PM »
Hi Italian,
  From my own experience, it helped quite a bit to just write letters to my mom, as if I was talking to her. I put up a picture of her beside my bed, and that gave me some comfort as well.
   I would always hope and pray that my mom would come to me in a dream, and about 6 months after she died, it happened. In my dream, she appeared happier than I had ever seen her in life. She was just glowing with tremendous joy. When I woke up, I felt that it wasn't a dream at all. I still feel that way. For months afterward, when I would feel upset, I would remember how she looked in that dream, and I knew that she was now okay. Four years later, I remember that dream as if it was yesterday. It was a gift.
   I hope that you have a similar experience. In the meantime, I can only suggest that you write here as often as you'd like, and sometimes just write down your feelings to your mom. I have to believe that even though they are no longer physically here, they are with us in spirit.

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