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Messages - Irene

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Main / Re: Irene, one month today....
« on: June 14, 2012, 11:36:39 AM »
Thankyou for your note Terry,
   I am doing okay. I keep comparing the loss of my father to my mother. When she died suddenly, my world was completely turned upside down and I had a hard time making it through each day. It was about a year before I found it to be getting easier. I feel guilt that I don't feel the same as I did with my mom. Another thing to work through. Thankyou for checking in. I appreciate that.

Main / Re: My Father
« on: May 23, 2012, 07:50:16 PM »
Thankyou to all who have replied. I have never forgotten this site, and still have checked in here and there over the years. For all of you that I have never met, and still reach out with a helping hand, Thankyou. I was so close to my mother and found a profound loss when she passed away. A close friend has told me that it was partially that I was closer to my mother, and also that I have been spending the last few years, with a gradual saying of goodbye to my father, as he went in and out of a confused state, and required so much
physical care. It's funny how guilt can creep in, even when you do your best to do right by a person. I feel guilt when I don't feel that exact same sense of loss as I did with my mother.

Main / My Father
« on: May 21, 2012, 06:29:27 PM »
My father passed away on May 4,2012. I joined this site in 2004, when my mother passed away and found this site and it's members to be tremendously helpful. My mother passed away suddenly and I had found it extremely difficult to deal with. Once again, I am finding myself in the web of grief, but I am finding it vastly different than I did with my mother. I had been extremely close to my mother, and when she died, I was left
to assist a father who I wasn't particularly close to. It was over the past 7 and a half years, that I got closer to my dad, just by visiting with him and helping him where I could as he had an extensive physical disability.
I have several siblings, but I am estranged from one sibling. This sibling has inherited the family business. My parents had always been frugal, and any income made at all, was generated back into the family business. My brother would never visit my father(nor mother prior to her passing) even though he lived next door. Three and a half years ago, my father was placed in a nursing home, as he could no longer be cared for at home, and this brother did not visit my father during that time,except for two family events when my father first entered the home. After my father suffered a stroke a month ago, my brother was called to come to say goodbye to my father but he refused. On the day of the funeral, he missed the majority of the visitation, as he was meeting with his lawyers. Some of my siblings feel resentment towards him, and two accept him as he is.
I just want to be able to let go of the resentment myself.
   The other thing I wanted to mention is that people will either say,"Sorry for your loss," or nothing at all, but invariably the subject is changed immediately, and I somehow feel that I wish life would just sometimes stand still, so that my dad isn't forgotten in all of this. I know the cliche that life carries on, but it just seems that a lot of things seem overwhelming right now and there is no time to process my feelings. Thanks for listenning.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: January 14, 2012, 08:21:07 PM »
Thanks Doug,
  I haven't checked here for awhile, but a friend mentionned to me that there had been a reply. I do think you
are right about the mid-life ideas. It was a very stressful time for me. Things are better now than they were then, and I am very thankful for that. I have read your other messages on the board as well, regarding your dad and brother. I wish you the best in working through your healing. I found this board seven years ago, when my mother died and found it to be a lifeline. Journalling helped me tremendously. Thankyou for your response and best wishes.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: April 03, 2011, 01:47:35 PM »
Hi Brown eyed Girl and Terry,
  My husband has been more settled for a little while now. Someone has suggested to me(that knows my husband well) that my husband is not really in touch with his feelings, and when I was trying to push for more discussion etc., he was attributing his boredom to problems with his whole life(including our marriage). I have tried to relax about everything, and although there hasn't been huge changes, things are much more settled than they were. My anxiety is still much calmed down than it was. Thank goodness for that.
  I have been to the counselor again, and although I am not feeling awe inspiring revelations, I do feel better about talking about things with her.
  Thanks so much to both of you for asking and for being there for me.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 22, 2011, 06:04:03 AM »
   Thanks to both of you, Terry and Seven. I did find the visit with the counselor very helpful,
although nothing was said differently here and with close friends than was said by the counselor. I think it helped to talk to someone with an objective viewpoint face to face. She has told me to go on with my life doing the things that I enjoy, because I can't change the situation for him. I'm just doing my best, and thankfully the anxiety that was constantly present in the beginning, has had moments of lightening.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 13, 2011, 02:15:40 PM »
Thanks Terry,
   I appreciate your warm thoughts. Tomorrow is my first appointment ever with a counselor.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 09, 2011, 12:02:55 PM »
Thanks Seven and Brown eyed Girl,
   I know from past experience that talking it out, works for me. My husband wants to sweep everything under the rug right now, and just go on as before, but being completely
closed up, and with me having heard his feelings, it leaves things very awkward and nowhere close to being normal.
  I know that my husband doesn't speak to anyone else and other than his recent "chat", he doesn't often open up to me. He does see friends once in awhile, but that is over
video games etc., .
  The counselor seemed quite motherly over the phone. That might be just what I need right now.
  Thanks again.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 09, 2011, 07:51:35 AM »
  I have made an appointment with a counselor for next Monday. My husband had already said that he refuses to see a counselor. For the time being, my husband goes to work and then just hangs out in the basement by himself in the evenings. As advised, I am giving him time to think and not pushing him, but how does this make things better? Thankfully,
the anxiety I've been feeling is marginally better.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 04, 2011, 08:51:44 PM »
Thanks so much Seven,
   I will look up that article. I really appreciate the help that you all have given me.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 04, 2011, 06:58:34 AM »
Hi Seven,
   Thanks for your reply. I know I have to get past the "what can I do to fix this scenario."
It's a tough one for me.  I am someone who's emotions are transparent. If there is even the slightest amount of worry on my part, it shows through on my face. To hear my husband say that he has been bored with everything for a very long time, and doesn't want to hurt anyone, is frightening for me. He says that I must have seen this, but he has always needed his own space, and with him never being a great communicator, it hasn't been completely obvious to me. I have sensed a distance for awhile, now and have made arrangements for the two of us to go to various events, and I thought that this was making things better, but my husband has said that we have no common interests. I'm sure that he is facing mid-life crisis/depression, but he doesn't want to talk about it with me( I'm learning to keep my mouth closed right now) or anyone else.
   Yes, I have to wait it out. Without this board right now(and years ago) I don't know where I would be. Thanks so much.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 02, 2011, 04:35:58 PM »
Hi Lauren,
  Thanks for replying to me. As always, I appreciate your perspective. I am closely related to the situation, so I have just been automatically looking at the worst possible scenario.
I have encouraged my husband to attend counseling with me, but he isn't interested. He has attended a job interview, so there is a possibility of at least fixing the job stress situation. I unfortunately have been stressed out about the what if he leaves scenario, and of course that has been devastating to me. I would love to be able to just clarify his feelings with him, but I think at this point in time, he needs to just think through things himself. He has told me himself, that I will end up pushing him away with further talk sessions.
   I know myself that if I was to move to his hometown(where we met), I would not be happy-willing to try it for him though, but realizing too, that our kids still need to finish school, in a community where they have spent their entire lives.
   I am learning from this, that I am an immediate solver. If there is a problem, I want a fix for it immediately. I just have to learn that this is beyond me right now.
As always, thanks Lauren. I needed to hear from you.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 02, 2011, 06:45:37 AM »
  I feel badly about coming on here again and again, but just as when my mother died, I don't know what else to do. My husband says that he's sorry he ever had his boredom conversation with me, and he wants me to just act normally, while he sorts things out.
He says I must have seen there was a problem a long time ago. He has never been a warm, fuzzy kind of guy who expressed a lot of emotion. I always thought he loved me though. He says now, that if I was hit by a car, he would be really upset. I don't know if that is a great answer.
   I keep wondering if we moved back to the large city, or I changed something else, that it would help. I think my husband is experiencing depression, as he has major job stress.
I guess it comes back to again, how if I could make the situation better, I would.
   He also says that life here is comfortable, and we get along fine, so he maybe just has to sort out his feelings. I have told him that I don't know if I can stay in a relationship, where I don't have security, and my husband is staying out of convenience(
(I am putting it this way, because I have no answers from him). I am trying not to be clingy or plead with him, as that seems to drive him further away, and this has never been my basic makeup. He gets quite upset with me, if he sees the worry etched on my face, and says that no one has died, and the world hasn't ended. I am just trying to write my feelings down here, just to make it through the day. Thanks.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: need advice
« on: March 01, 2011, 05:49:08 PM »
Thank you Sarah W,
   I appreciate your comments and find them helpful. I am having a hard time trying to give my husband space, and I realize now that pleading with him, doesn't help. It's also hard not to contemplate thoroughly, what I could do to change things, to make him "unbored".
  Dealing with my mother's death 6 years ago was the toughest thing I have ever faced.
In thinking back now, I don't know how I made it through. I am faced with another challenge now, and it's going to take a lot of strength.
  Thank you again.

Grief not related to deaths / need advice
« on: March 01, 2011, 11:43:56 AM »
  I have been married for almost 23 years and have 3 teenage children. My husband announced a few days ago, that he is completely bored with his life and has been for some time. He does not like the small town we live in; he feels like he has given up his friends, and more fun lifestyle, since he left the major city we lived in several years ago.
He says that we have no common interests, and although we get along fine, he is still bored. He's not decided what he wants to do, and wants to have some time to think about his issues.
  Although our marriage was not storybook, I have always felt that it was an okay marriage-not great, but do able. I have urged us to spend more time together, for some time, and occasionally we have, but he feels that my interests are completely different from his own, and he doesn't want to be like this in 10 years.
  Two sons have approached university age, and our third child is 15 years old. I am trying to cope with anxiety, stress issues-due to this announcement, and would like to see a counsellor, but my husband thinks I am worrying too much, and that I should just give him time to figure things out. He says that he hasn't ever said that he would leave.
   I still have a job to do, three teenagers to help with everyday life, and I find I am having a difficult time coping, because I have no control over my husband's feelings.
I clearly want to make the marriage work and  know how I feel about my husband.
We live in a good community, have three great kids, and I don't want to face a great upheaval for my three kids, nor do I want to live in a situation where my husband has potentially one foot out the door. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

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