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Topics - Irene

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Main / Difficulty with Friend
« on: September 11, 2019, 06:33:13 AM »
Hi, Years ago I joined this site after my mother had passed away and I found tremendous help from the members that listened and gave me advice. I will be grateful for the information I received here for the rest of my life. I have a lifelong friend who has been going through some issues for many years and for which she has been seeing a counselor. Two years ago, her stresses increased and she lashed out at me for not being supportive and that in the future, our communication had to be mainly about her. There have been a couple of instances in the last two years, where she has told me after becoming irritated with her feeling of me not being supportive enough, where she has withdrawn and told me that she needs time on her own and then a few weeks later, she would contact me again and we would continue on, often again with her feeling that I am not giving her the support that she needs. A few weeks ago, she called me one day, to tell me that she was facing a difficult decision. She called multiple times that morning and each time we discussed ways to solve the situation. That night I was packing to go away on a trip, but the next afternoon when I reached my destination I called her. She didn't pick up the phone, for the next two days and then on the third day she answered and told me that she was too upset that I hadn't called her on the Friday night(we had already spoken multiple times that day) to check in on her. I explained that I had called her the next day, and she was upset that it hadn't been the Friday night and that she didn't have the energy to pick up the phone when I called her the following days. After going to see a counselor as I was feeling so anxious about this continued sense of controlling behaviour on the part of my friend, I communicated with my friend how I felt. She later contacted me to say that she doesn't want to continue with this toxic relationship(and I agree that this is what it has become) and she is going to spend the future focusing on herself without contact from me. It's been a few weeks now, but after decades of friendship I know this friend and feel that she won't seek out the help that she needs, and instead will blame me for the fallout, as she has for the last two years. I know that without this help, our friendship is essentially over after a lifetime as the blaming and anger directed at me, has taken it's toll on me, and although I don't regret telling her how I felt about our relationship over the last two years, I do feel regret that knowing her so well, her anger won't dissipate and this will be the end of our friendship-one that was one of the most important in my life.

Parent Loss / Mom's Passing Anniversary
« on: November 02, 2018, 06:02:34 PM »
On November 2, 2004 my mother passed away suddenly. She had health problems, and her doctor felt that the cause was that she had developed lactose intolerance. She went to the hospital for testing and passed away 3 days later. The first year was extremely tough, and I am ever grateful that I found this board and the help that I had received from the individuals that responded to my tearful letters. I don't often check on this board anymore, but again I am forever grateful for the people that continue to help others with the loss of their loved ones. When my mother passed away, I didn't know how I could make it through and people would tell me to take baby steps. Gradually, it got easier, but we are now talking 14 years later. I never have forgotten the love that I had for my mother and I miss her every day. For any of those of you that helped me then, "Thank you, from the bottom of my heart." Still loving my mom every day of my life.

Main / My Mom
« on: November 02, 2017, 07:36:01 AM »
Today marks 13 years since my mother passed away in 2004. She passed away suddenly although, she hadn't been feeling well for some time, and we realized in the end that she had received an incorrect medical diagnosis from her doctor. I loved my mother dearly. We didn't always have a perfect relationship, but in the years preceding her death, I was incredibly close to her and as always knew that she was my closest ally. I miss her every day, but especially today when I realize how difficult the first years were when she had first passed away. To all of you, who are new to this journey and have recently(or not) lost a loved one, my message is that it does get easier with time. You will never forget your loved one. The memories will eventually make you smile, and the tears will dry, but the love does not end. I love you Mom and I always will.

Main / Mother's Day
« on: May 08, 2015, 05:07:48 PM »
To all the mothers, I wish you a wonderful mother's day. I am a mother but my own mother passed away suddenly 10 years ago and still, I feel that this is one of the more difficult days to get through each year. I was tremendously close to my mom, and since she died, I seem to have a mental block regarding this upcoming holiday and it happens to me every year. I was with my grown kids having dinner at a fast food place yesterday and there was a large tv in front of us with closed captioning. The reporter asked the one woman what she was planning to do this Sunday and there was no response on the closed captioning screen and I was thinking,"What is happening this Sunday??" It took me a few minutes to realize that Mother's Day was this weekend. This happens to me every single year. I don't come here often anymore but for those of you that have mothers that have recently passed away, I wanted to say that it does get better and easier as time goes by. You will never forget those that you loved.

Main / 10 years
« on: October 19, 2014, 04:18:23 PM »
Hello, On November 2, 2004 my mother suddenly passed away. I didn't know how I would ever be able to survive so much pain, but shortly after she died, I joined this board and the people on here helped me tremendously in dealing with my grief. With the 10th anniversary approaching, I find myself apprehensive. It's been almost 10 years and I've made it through this far, but with the milestone nearing, I find it feels forever and that forever feeling is really scary. I loved my mother dearly. She was one of the most important people in my life and there isn't a day that I don't think of her. I know that when my mom died, I would read the notes of others who had similarly lost loved ones quite awhile ago and I found myself wishing that I could have had that time passage as I felt it would have been easier than having such a fresh loss. To those of you with the recent passing of a loved one, I will assure you that it does get easier with time. We just never, ever forget that loved one. I wanted to thank those that helped me through with such a difficult time in my life. There is one in particular that I still have contact with. Bless all of you and thank you.

Main / Ring
« on: June 05, 2013, 11:35:19 AM »
A few months ago, I got together with my two sisters. My father died a year ago and my mother passed away 8 years ago, and we sisters seldom see each other anymore, even though we do not live far from each other. My one sister produced jewellery, which my mother had inherited through her mother when my grandmother had passed away years before. I hadn't seen the jewellery in many years. I'm not in agreement with what to do with this jewellery, but I did suggest that we at least get to pick one item that we could keep. I picked a broken ring. It has only sentimental value, but I brought it to the jewellery store to be repaired. I want to wear this ring always, as a connection to my mom. I'm excited about picking it up tomorrow. It's funny in a way, but it's been years since I've had a chance to have a physical connection like this and unconsciously I gave the jeweller, my mother's phone number as a contact number. This list was always a great support to me, especially when my mom died, so I thought it was fitting to put this news here. I loved my mother and father so dearly. That never dies.

Main / My Father
« on: May 21, 2012, 06:29:27 PM »
My father passed away on May 4,2012. I joined this site in 2004, when my mother passed away and found this site and it's members to be tremendously helpful. My mother passed away suddenly and I had found it extremely difficult to deal with. Once again, I am finding myself in the web of grief, but I am finding it vastly different than I did with my mother. I had been extremely close to my mother, and when she died, I was left
to assist a father who I wasn't particularly close to. It was over the past 7 and a half years, that I got closer to my dad, just by visiting with him and helping him where I could as he had an extensive physical disability.
I have several siblings, but I am estranged from one sibling. This sibling has inherited the family business. My parents had always been frugal, and any income made at all, was generated back into the family business. My brother would never visit my father(nor mother prior to her passing) even though he lived next door. Three and a half years ago, my father was placed in a nursing home, as he could no longer be cared for at home, and this brother did not visit my father during that time,except for two family events when my father first entered the home. After my father suffered a stroke a month ago, my brother was called to come to say goodbye to my father but he refused. On the day of the funeral, he missed the majority of the visitation, as he was meeting with his lawyers. Some of my siblings feel resentment towards him, and two accept him as he is.
I just want to be able to let go of the resentment myself.
   The other thing I wanted to mention is that people will either say,"Sorry for your loss," or nothing at all, but invariably the subject is changed immediately, and I somehow feel that I wish life would just sometimes stand still, so that my dad isn't forgotten in all of this. I know the cliche that life carries on, but it just seems that a lot of things seem overwhelming right now and there is no time to process my feelings. Thanks for listenning.

Grief not related to deaths / need advice
« on: March 01, 2011, 11:43:56 AM »
  I have been married for almost 23 years and have 3 teenage children. My husband announced a few days ago, that he is completely bored with his life and has been for some time. He does not like the small town we live in; he feels like he has given up his friends, and more fun lifestyle, since he left the major city we lived in several years ago.
He says that we have no common interests, and although we get along fine, he is still bored. He's not decided what he wants to do, and wants to have some time to think about his issues.
  Although our marriage was not storybook, I have always felt that it was an okay marriage-not great, but do able. I have urged us to spend more time together, for some time, and occasionally we have, but he feels that my interests are completely different from his own, and he doesn't want to be like this in 10 years.
  Two sons have approached university age, and our third child is 15 years old. I am trying to cope with anxiety, stress issues-due to this announcement, and would like to see a counsellor, but my husband thinks I am worrying too much, and that I should just give him time to figure things out. He says that he hasn't ever said that he would leave.
   I still have a job to do, three teenagers to help with everyday life, and I find I am having a difficult time coping, because I have no control over my husband's feelings.
I clearly want to make the marriage work and  know how I feel about my husband.
We live in a good community, have three great kids, and I don't want to face a great upheaval for my three kids, nor do I want to live in a situation where my husband has potentially one foot out the door. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

Parent Loss / anniversary date
« on: November 02, 2010, 09:38:00 AM »
   It has been 6 years ago today, that my mother passed away. I came here almost 6 years ago now, after my mother died suddenly, and I was completely lost. Thanks to the support of people who were here(Lauren in particular), and friends I was able to make it through. Every year at this time, is like a remake of the movie Groundhog Day. I relive those last few days, in my memory, over and over from October 31 to November 2nd.
  I can't believe 6 years have gone by. I never thought I would be able to make it to this point. I still miss my mother tremendously, but my message to others, is that you will make it through, now matter how hard it may seem now. I also have never forgotten those of you that helped me in my most difficult days in life. From the bottom of my hear, thank you.

Main / Thanksgiving Canada
« on: October 12, 2009, 04:55:10 AM »
   It's been a very long time that I have written to this board. Many of you will not know of me, but for years I was a regular contributor. Today, is the Canadian Thanksgiving, and I wanted to acknowledge part of the reason that I was able to keep going after my mom died. My mom died suddenly in November,2004.
   She hadn't been feeling well for a few months, and the doctor had diagnosed her with lactose intolerance. On Thanksgiving weekend, we would always get together, and I would cook the meal. On that last Thanksgiving weekend, I asked my mom about getting together, and she was neutral about it, which was honestly hurtful to me, but in hindsight there's been guilt about the fact that no one knew just how sick my mom really was.
   We did get together after all. My mom came out of her bedroom to eat the meal, but half way through she said that she didn't feel well and left to go back to her bedroom. This was the last Thanksgiving we shared. Two weeks later, she was admitted to the hospital for tests, and three days later she died. The diagnosis had been wrong, and what my mom had was actually gangrene in her bowels.
   I loved my mom more than words could ever say(and still do).  After she died, I was absolutely in complete despair. I found this site, and would correspond with people regularly. It was a lifeline for me. I don't know if many are still on this site, that were on when I joined, but one that was and still is, is Lauren. I am thankful that she was here to listen. Thank you as well to Tom Golden for hosting this site. It truly is a godsend.
   Those last few memories of my mom, pop into my head every year at this time, and revolve around continually till the anniversary date of her death is passed.
  Five years ago, I would never have thought I could live through the grief that consumed my life. I still miss my mom every day, but know that she is still with me in spirit. I want to give others the hope to go on.   

Main / dad's health
« on: October 10, 2008, 10:05:32 AM »
   Over the past almost four years, this has been a wonderful site. I can't express how much the people here(all who I had never met), helped me when my mother died. This is one of those times, that I just felt I would write in and hopefully just talking about it would help.
   My father has multiple schlerosis. Three weeks ago, he was diagnosed with pneumonia and sent to the hospital. He remains there now. He has been greatly weakened by the pneumonia, and is mainly bedridden, partly because he is physically so difficult to move, and the other part due to the fact that the nurses are so busy.
Since he's probably about 95 per cent deaf, his day is spent looking at the walls and having visitors come in for short visits.
   There are no local nursing homes available, as the waiting lists are so long, and even though he would love to go home, we realize that his physical care can no longer be handled by our brother as it has got to be too much. Our brother has looked after our dad, since our mom's death in November 2004.
   Today, I was told that the doctors have found a cyst in my dad's lungs. It may be cancer, but they have chosen not to investigate further, as it would be too invasive for our father. My brothers and sisters have said that our aim is to make our father's time as comfortable as possible.
   I struggle with the guilt of feeling that our father's quality of life(boredom, inability to get around) is not being enhanced by us. We should be doing what we could to fix it. My brother told me today, that finding out if this lung mass is cancer would only cause us to worry more; best just to not know. He's probably right.
   Aging, does not look good right now. Thankyou all for listenning.


Main / birthday
« on: June 26, 2008, 08:39:00 AM »

   Tomorrow would be my mom's birthday. She passed away suddenly on November 2, 2004. When she first passed away, I didn't think that I would ever make it through the grief. Thankfully, with the passage of time, and this board and friends, I did learn how to survive this. I hope that this gives others hope too.
   On her birthday, I always tried to make her day as special for her, as she tried to make our birthdays. Some days bring the pain of missing her, right back to the front.
The good news is that after these few years, I know that this pain will subside, but there are always going to be days where I miss her and find it tough. I loved her tremendously(still do).

Main / Christmas
« on: December 12, 2007, 08:22:42 AM »
   This will be the third Christmas since my mother passed away suddenly in November, 2004. The other day, I went to the mall to get some items that my daughter had requested. I am not a mall shopper at the best of times, and at Christmas time, I do not like the crowded malls whatsoever.
  Anyway, I had the view of running in, getting what I wanted and dashing out. In front of me, I saw an older gentleman sitting at a booth and in front of him was an assortment of angels. I had started a tradition of buying an angel ornament in memory of my mom, after she passed away. If you gave a minimal donation at this booth to a Hospice Charity, you received an angel ornament. It was the perfect solution this Christmas and one that made me smile. My mom was always giving to charities, and she would have really appreciated that .  It wasn't planned that night, when I went into the mall,  but some things have a way of falling into place just the way that they should.

Main / anniversary of my mother's passing
« on: November 01, 2007, 07:30:06 PM »

   Tomorrow, November 2nd, will be the third anniversary of my mother's passing. Three years ago, tomorrow morning, I got a call from my brother saying that the doctors had found a blockage in my mother's bowels, and she would possibly have to wear a colostomy bag for the rest of her life. An hour later, my sister called saying that our mother was not expected to live through the day as the doctors had found gangrene in mom's bowels and there was nothing that could be done.
  The rest of the day was a nightmare. By 11:20 that night, my mother had passed away and life changed for all of us that loved her so much.
  I am sitting here tonight, with a "movie" of that last night playing through my head. If I could have only changed the outcome, it would have been wonderful.
  I did learn that I could live through this, which is something I would never have thought 3 years ago, when she first died. On the other hand, losing someone that I loved with all my heart, has been incredibly difficult in that I know that there will never be a day that I wouldn't miss my mom. I will always have the weight of sadness that I wish I had just one more day with her.
  I want to thank all of you that have been so caring and compassionate with your words, these last three years. I will never forget that.

Main / Thanksgiving
« on: October 02, 2007, 07:25:23 PM »
   Next Monday, is Thanksgiving in Canada(where I live). Every Thanksgiving now, is tainted by one of the last memories of my mom. I think I must write this down, every year now, so I hope that some of your memories have failed, so it looks like I am writing this down for the first time.
   My mother's health had been failing for some time, although her doctor had given the incorrect diagnosis of lactose intolerance, so we had no idea that her condition was as serious as it was. Every Thanksgiving, my family and mom and dad and brother, would get together and in the last few years, I had been the one to prepare the meals, as it had just got to be too much for my mom. As the day approached in 2004, my mom made no mention of Thanksgiving. Finally, I made mention of it to my mom, and she responded with what I thought was indifference. Later that night, she called me and told me that we could get together.
   The next day, I prepared the meal and brought it over. My mom came out of her bedroom, attempted to eat the turkey dinner, and then said that she just didn't feel well. She returned to her room, and didn't come out again, that night.
   This is the one memory, that if I could have had it to do all over again, I would ask for the chance to have realized how truly sick my mother was. Every year, this memory comes back to haunt me, and I realize how much I miss my mom. Every year, this memory brings the tears back again.
   Thanks for listenning. It does get easier with time, but there are moments and times of the year, that the pain comes back to the forefront.

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