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Topics - WendyRN

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16
Child Loss / A loving tribute
« on: May 05, 2008, 12:25:23 PM »
May 4, 1986, at 11:19 a.m. Keith was born at Grace Hospital in the city of Vancouver, B.C.  Yesterday he was 21 + 1 years old.  In the days and weeks leading up to this anniversary, I have been so ....  I don't know...antsy, fearful, worried, dreading, trying to find a way to cope I guess.  We planned a gathering of friends and family at a painted memorial wall dedicated to Keith.  It was so hard to keep the tears from flowing all day as I got everything ready.  My  own small family (hubby and I and two kids) had dinner out at one of Keith's favourite restaurants before heading over to the wall. 

But when we got there, all the anxiety just disappeared.  I just felt such love and warmth being with all his family and so many of his friends.  He hasn't been forgotten.  I felt Keith's presence amongst us.  We had music and people brought flowers and we shared our memories, what he meant to us, and how is loss affects us all.  No speeches or fanfare.  Just a gathering of people, loving him still, and missing his walking among us.  I made a card for everyone to write comments on and I'm so happy to have that as a keepsake.   

I decided that I can't ever really think of Keith as "turning 22".  He is forever young.  He is 21 + 1.  I brought 21 balloons and one big birthday balloon.  A friend also brought 22 balloons and it was a beautiful site seeing them rise in the air at dusk.  I pictured Keith grinning ear to ear and receiving this symbol of love with open arms.  It was a beautiful tribute.

Now.......Mother's Day.

Wendy

17
Child Loss / Another first, his birthday
« on: April 10, 2008, 07:35:18 PM »
I've been avoiding looking at the calendar as I know this is coming.  Keith was born on May 4, 1986 in Vancouver, B.C.  He was immediately loved and adored by mom, dad, Holly and Wade and his big extended family.  We knew he would be our last child and forever my baby.

We didn't really get to celebrate his last birthday on Earth - his 21st.  The only year he didn't have a cake.  I bought him a couple of birthday presents but he didn't get the big family celebration that a 21st should be.  He had had quite a fight with his brother and things were tense.  I thought when things had settled down we would find a way to mark that special occasion.  I didn't know we'd run out of time. 

I don't know what to do for this day that means so much.  When all the wonderful memories swamp me, I can't comprehend his loss.  I still have so much trouble understanding that he's gone.  I do get a rush of understanding when I relive in my mind the circumstances of how I believe his accident happened but I try my best to block that out. 

Wendy, Keith's mom

18
Child Loss / Not sure I can endure
« on: March 30, 2008, 11:34:55 PM »
Some days I feel like I resemble a real person going about her real life.  I've been back to work for a month.  I wear my mask and I get through.  Always Keith is on my mind.  When I'm driving to work, I play "our" music.  When I leave work, the same.  Everything I'm involved in, so is Keith.  I couldn't buy new curtains without my thoughts being mostly about him. 

But today is just a bad day.  Can't stop crying. Those thoughts of wondering if I even want to try and stand this pain keep creeping in.  Too many stressors have added up, I guess, and just make the loss of my beautiful son too hard to deal with.  His older brother moved out of the house and will be living with his sister.  This was a planned move and after trying living together in a rental, they plan to pool their resources and buy a house or condo.  I will miss him terribly.  No more kids at home. 

I have a best friend that I've known since high school.  I don't understand why she doesn't call me.  At least check up on me once in awhile.  Nothing makes sense to me.  My heart hurts.

Wendy, Keith's mom

19
Child Loss / Seven months
« on: March 05, 2008, 01:18:11 PM »
Today marks the 7th month since Keith's earthly presence is known to me.  I am so mad at God today.  How could he not let me say goodbye.  In the great scheme of things would that be asking too much?  The last words we said to each other were "I love you" as he headed off for a wonderful camping weekend.  But I needed to lock eyes one last time, have our spirits collide in an exchange of human emotion that would help carry us until we meet again.  I needed to touch him, hear his voice.  How and why would God deny me that?  If what seems like such cruelty is a test of my faith, then I fail miserably.  A part of my brain accepts that I must stand this.  I can even learn to accept that Keith's existence here on Earth was meant to be short, a planned life and death known only to Keith and God.  But why couldn't I say goodbye.  Hold him in my arms one last time and pour the rest of my life without him into his soul to carry with him always.  I NEEDED THAT!  I NEED THAT! 

Life sucks.  With still so many blessings, I don't feel any solid ground.  I can't see my future, not sure I want to.  It just feels like "what's the point?"  I need you to shine down on me today, Keith.  Send me some strength as I'm faltering today.  Some days it still feels like I could wake up from a bad dream and there you'd be.  Walking through the front door, laughing as usual.  Rummaging in the fridge and asking "what's for dinner?"  I MISS YOU.  I LOVE YOU. 


Wendy, Keith's mom forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and always.

20
Child Loss / Required reading
« on: February 27, 2008, 08:20:06 PM »
I am starting a new thread but in reference to "Why am I not getting better?" and Debh's response.  I hope everybody has a chance to read her post and I thank you, Debh, for sharing your experience. 

My Keith has only been gone such a short time, 6 1/2 months.  I have a long and impossibly rocky road ahead and I know that.  Reading everybody's stories of great sadness and loss has been helpful in the sense of understanding I am not alone.  The loss of our children no matter what age, is so severe that its impossible to try and have anyone else understand.  I do so appreciate the availability of this forum to allow us to share our heartache and, in so doing, help each other through some of the worst days as we trudge the same path. 

What I was hoping in coming to this site, was a little more balance.  Balance is not really the word as it is of course expected that we will discuss what is forever attached to us - our grief, our sorrow, and our yearning to have back that which is most precious to us.  But I am so grateful to read a  post like Debh's as it offers hope to those who are newer on this horrible journey....and who are hopeless.  While her story is just that, it is also wise and insightful.  Living in such pain and gloom and not believing there will ever be a way out is not life.  Not having any memory cells functioning anymore, I don't remember the poem that I believe was posted by John(?) (I will look it up again), but I remember the message about being stuck in the valley.  I am 53 years old and will maybe live 25 more years.  I don't want to live them all at the bottom of a dark valley.  I want to keep my eye on the small light of hope, that I can't see yet.....I just know its there.  I don't even know what direction its in but I will listen to my heart and try to follow it.  As I've read many of you remember about your own children, my Keith was also full of life and mischief.  Always laughing and cracking jokes.  We shared that special bond of mom and youngest child and I know he would hate to see his mom sad and crying all the time.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make in all this, was that if and when we can share the positive ways we have found to help ourselves through an hour or a day, those things that have helped make a transition between grieving hermit and a step back into life, I for one am happy to hear of them.  When I lost my first son at 4 1/2 years old, we had already been grieving in anticipation of his death the entire time.  When he died of pneumonia, my husband and I felt lost and so cheated and so guilty and all those other reactions to grief.  But we were also kept busy with a 3 year old and I was 6 months pregnant.  Time can't stand still with a young family and it probably helped me to move forward faster.  Its so different (and worse) with Keith.  The only anticipation we had was him living a full and wonderful life and his saying goodbye to his parents one day.  For those who have been walking the walk longer and have learned ways to inspire yourself to live with dignity and a return to a joyful (of course different) existence, please share.  We have found many ways to share  the importance of our grief, through stories, pictures, poems and music but maybe there is a little more room for inspiration and hope.  Thanks for listening.

Wendy, Keith's mom

21
Child Loss / Welcome Rosie
« on: February 07, 2008, 01:25:17 PM »
I would like to apologize for not responding to your posting on sharing the loss of your son.  My son, Keith, has only been gone for 6 months and although I read posts almost daily, I don't always respond.  Not because I'm not thinking of your sorrow and would like to be supportive, but because my own is still so intense.  I agree with Tom that starting your own thread helps.  I am so sorry that you haven't felt listened to or that what you've shared was somehow overlooked on Judy's post.  When I first came here a few months ago, I wrote a big, long story in the "introduction" thread about my two sons that have been taken from me.  I'm afraid there wasn't much of a response.  Initially I felt both ignored and really hurt, but I must say that I have received some wonderful responses on other occasions.  I'm not very faithful, but I try to  respond when I'm able.  I understand, too, that the compassionate people reading my postings are the same people suffering their own losses.  I still find it a bit awkward "talking" to someone this way when the emotional stakes are so high but we can't stop technology.

Please, if you can, tell us as much about your son as you are comfortable sharing. 

Wendy, Keith's mom

22
Child Loss / Confidentiality
« on: December 06, 2007, 01:32:32 PM »
Being new here, I'm not sure why we don't have a log on to read posts as well as to contribute.  I feel a great need to come here for the support of everyone and to learn how others, further down this horrid journey, have managed putting one foot in front of the other.  I do, however, feel very exposed in that comments I'm not comfortable sharing are available to be read by the "curious public".  I'm saddened to hear that one of our own now feels the need to sensor innermost thoughts and feelings.  Being able to bare our souls of our most private and personal thoughts to friends that will KNOW and CARE where we're coming from is such a blessing.

On second thought, I guess I wouldn't have realized the comfort offered here if I hadn't been able to read some of the postings to know that I would like to return to this site regularly.  Has anyone been "around the block" to see how other sites handle confidentiality?

Wendy, Keith's mom

23
Child Loss / Today's a bad day
« on: November 21, 2007, 01:01:33 PM »
In the mail today, came the results of the autopsy/toxicology report.  My hands were shaking as I opened the envelope.  So very, very hard to read of his injuries.  I cannot remove from my mind's eye the vision of his ejection from his ATV and flying over the cliff.  His body . can't say more

Wendy, Keith's mom forever and ever and ever and ever.

24
Child Loss / New traditions/rituals?
« on: November 15, 2007, 01:13:30 PM »
This Christmas will be my first big "calendar" event since Keith's passing on August 5th.  I live in Canada and we have our Thanksgiving Day in Oct. but is not celebrated in such a big way as in the U.S. I don't think.  My husband and I and our kids headed over to Vancouver Island where we rented a house on the ocean for a few days over our Thanksgiving weekend.  It was the first time that the four of us had been able to spend some "quality alone" time.

But I am fearing Christmas, I guess like everybody here.  I have no intention of attending social gatherings but will have a small family Christmas dinner at my house.  What I'm wondering is....does anybody have any rituals and traditions they've started to help get through the difficult days or how you've included your missing child? 

25
Child Loss / Back to work????
« on: November 07, 2007, 01:22:23 PM »
Just wondering if, when, how everybody managed to get back to work?  Did it make the everyday life somewhat easier or worse?  Since August 6th, I've been using up my sick days but that has now come to an end and I'll have to apply for a government benefit (unemployment sick leave).  Money will be very tight.  I am terrified of going back to work.  Firstly, of dealing with co-workers who as wonderful as they are will all have to know "how I'm doing" and then sneak looks at me to see if I'm falling apart at any given moment.  I'm an RN working on a labour/delivery floor and fear my forgetfulness and lack of concentration won't allow me to do this work.  I don't know how I will do 12 hour shifts, including nights.  I feel so burnt out doing NOTHING.  This overwhelming sadness draws so much energy. 

My husband has been back working since the beginning of September, after using up his holiday time, and yelled at me last week, asking, "When I'm going back to f-----g work?"  I don't know how he could be so hurtful.  That remark will go in the "never to be forgotten" corner of my mind.  Part of me wants to never return....thinking, how could I? (And now out of spite!)  I spend all day, every day looking at Keith's pictures, daydreaming of him, listening to the music we picked out for his service and the gathering after at our house.  Every moment revolves around  Keith.  How can I give that up?  And yet how can there be some beginning steps until I do??????????  I hate this.  I hate this club.  I don't want to be here.  If only.......

Wendy, Keith's mom.

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