Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - owensmom

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5
31
Child Loss / Re: A Positive Story Unfolding
« on: August 18, 2007, 11:54:00 PM »
Hi Lainie,

I know your name is Elaine, but I prefer Lainie, if you don't mind.  It makes me feel like I've known you long enough to have you feel comfortable with me using your nickname.  The same way I sometimes call Brynn, Brynnie, in my posts to you.  I feel like Owen and Brynnie might call each other by their nicknames.  His nicknames were: Owie, Oh-Bert, and Bubba.  I'm sure she knows that by now.

I'm just checking in to see if you're able to face the day.  I don't want to, but do it just because I know how hard it was for Owen on so many occasions...and I feel like he would be sad to know that I couldn't commit to the day. 

Post a reply if you're able to, even a one-liner.  Not the kind of one-liner we think of in comedy (that's U.S, maybe not Canadian lingo), but just a line or two to let us know you're hanging in there with us. 

Sweet dreams, dreams of Brynnie, and her laughter...

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

32
Child Loss / Re: I'm in a crisis
« on: August 17, 2007, 12:21:23 AM »
Okay, Lainie,

So, here I am again, posting on top of one of my own posts...but I want to see your picture and your message REALLY soon.  I want to stay connected to people who feel the same way I do.  And, I know you do.

This afternoon, my rage was so HUGE, because I saw three of the kids who we know have information about how Owen died, but won't tell.  I talked to the detective on Owen's case.  I talked to my older son, who is going CRAZY, with the questions.  And, we still have no answers as to what happened that night. 

I know you feel alone, but you mentioned your parents in one of your posts recently.  Do they live near you?  Can you visit them often?  Do you talk with them on the phone?  They are grieving for Brynn in a double-layered way, in their grief for losing her, and in their desperation in worrying about you, and hoping you find your way through this maze of unknowable pain.  I pray you have them to lean on. 

If not, then lean on us more than you want to.  We're here in this strange place called the internet, but also, in real time (no matter the time zone).  We read, we write, and we feel together.

What are your resources for help with your grief?  Have you tried counseling?  Have you talked with a health practitioner?  Do you talk with other grieving parents outside of this board?  Maybe someone on this board has information about resources near you.  Maybe you don't feel like you can pick up the phone, but maybe you can push one number, and the next day, push another. 

I would rather stay in bed until the end.  But, I can't.  I wake up each day, and there it is again.  The stabbing pain of losing Owen.  At a certain point, my right foot hits the floor, then the left, and I'm sitting up, waiting for some invisible force that points me toward the shower.  I hope you have something like faith, or my "invisible force" that points you toward each day.  How do you fill your time?

I've asked too many questions, and I'm attempting to get your answers.  Maybe I'm just too much.  Tell me to shut up if I am.  Or, tell me you're okay, and moving through your days.

Kiss Brynn goodnight for me, and for Owen.  I don't know why I think they are friends, but I do.  He was always a good friend to young kids who needed a hand.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

33
Child Loss / Re: JONBOYS BDAY
« on: August 16, 2007, 11:24:38 PM »
Hi Jonboys Mom,

I'm not Catholic, but I just lit a candle for Jonboy.  I don't why this feels right to me, except that Owen loved candles, so I light them every night for him. 

On Owen's birthday, which was less than two weeks after his body was found, I cleaned his bedroom.  It was unreal, and I looked at everything differently, but with the knowledge that he would have loved nothing more than to not clean it himself.  So, it was all good.

Our family has talked about how we will acknowledge his birthday in the years to come.  We don't know yet (this being week 11, since he went missing), but we feel it should be a time of celebration, for he was a gift from the beginning.  Maybe, we will give gifts to each other, in his memory.  We can't know at this early stage.

Can you share with me how you spent his birthday?  Maybe that will help us plan for next June.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

34
Child Loss / Re: FEELINGS HURT
« on: August 16, 2007, 11:16:55 PM »
Hi Sandy,

Thanks for the call the other morning.  I'm sorry I wasn't awake, and fully capable of being in the moment.  I know what you mean about being concerned for others here on this board.  It hurts to know their pain on top of our own.  That's part of healing, though, as weird as that is.  That's why we're here, because no one who hasn't experienced the death of a child cannot feel what we feel.

Your time zone is 3 hours later than mine, so the best time to reach me is in the evenings.  I'm not a morning person in the first place, and since I returned to work, my mornings are ever so much more painful.  Feel free to call in the evenings, and know that I'll be better able to share.

I experienced an insurmountable and chaotic event at work this week.  My boss, who has a terrible reputation because of her erratic behavior, decided to disrupt my department, by making a change without even consulting me.  (I'm the director of my department, so this was a breach of confidence in my abilities.)  It was devastating to me and my coworkers.  I work at the executive level and expect a certain level of collaboration from the others on our executive team.  Well, reality strikes.  She doesn't give a s*** about what I'm going through personally, and destroyed my entire team.  My first thought was, how dare she?  My next thought was...OMG, she's psychotic.  She has chosen to think of me as "damaged goods" because of Owen's death, and used my vulnerability to target me.  (The details are unimportant.  What is important is that some people will take an unimaginable path to test our grief, and try to prove we are now unworthy of our efforts at claiming life in a way THEY can imagine.)

Time is our only hope in discovering how we can deal with our family, friends, coworkers, and (in my case) bosses.  Knowing that they have no similar experience is our weapon against their ignorance.  Patience is our lesson.

I hope you are getting through your days with thoughts of love and beautiful memories of Shane.  I pray you are working out the details of having your grandson returned to your family.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom


35
Child Loss / Re: Just wondering
« on: August 15, 2007, 12:20:08 AM »
Lainie,

Often, when I'm driving down the freeway, or across the river that took my son's life, I think...f***, who cares?  I can't imagine your pain in not having other children to attach you to this thing we call life.  And, then, I remember.  Our children trusted us to be there for them...no matter what.  Siblings would not necessarily change this. 

Our relationship with our precious ones does not end with their deaths.  It goes on.  Maybe we can't know why or how, but I BELIEVE, they trusted WE would go on.  Please grab on to this thought, as it will bring you to a future that I BELIEVE Brynnie would have wanted for you.  She trusted that you were a force in her life that would live on, even though she couldn't.

Maybe I'm just a "cosmic-head" who wants to stay here in life on earth because I think I have work to do.  Maybe that thought is absurd, but I think I'm following a path mapped out by Owen, wherein, he believed that life was our work here on earth.  I cannot know what your work is, but I think it's out there for you.

As I have written in other posts, stay here with us.  We want you to share.  We want to find your purpose in the aftermath of Brynnie's death.  And, while we don't matter much in your experience of her death, you only need to tap into her life, her memories, her wishes, to know that she knew you well enough to guide your future without her.  (Or, I'm full of s***, and that's a distinct possibilty.)

We love you, think of you frequently, and want you to find a way, some way to make Brynnie's life MASSIVELY OBVIOUS to others.  If you can't find that way right now, think of us...for we are depending on you to capture her love, and make it visible to the rest of us.  (No pressure, eh?)  What I'm trying to say, is... we get it.  We know you can't face another day.  And, WE WANT YOU TO STAY WITH US.  You are now a part of a family that cares in a way that you never wanted.  And, yet, we are here for you.

Drained, and wanting my son to share his insights with you, because he had visions that you can't imagine, nor could I, as his mother.  But, he knew there was a life greater than this...and I believe he is taking Brynn by the hand, and saying, "Hey, look at this, Brynn.  What a freakin' miracle."

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

36
Child Loss / Re: can't do anything
« on: August 14, 2007, 11:41:41 PM »
Hi SueH,

I can't imagine.  I'm so new to this journey.  I pray that there will come a day when you can use your love, for the good of your life and others.  I'm sure you have, in the time that has passed, and yet, I fear the journey is something unthinkable in our early path.  You are further along in Sara's passing, so you surely know things, that we don't.

Please know that we are out here, waiting to hear from those of you have been here longer.  We want to know that you are passing through this deep pit, and into a greater knowledge. 

Control...hmmm...something I am familiar with, and yet, want to let go of, because my son did.  He thought control was a deficit.  GOD, I wish I could join him in this thought.

Thank you for posting.  It helps us to know that time has its benefits, but also its limitations.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

37
Child Loss / Re: I'm in a crisis
« on: August 14, 2007, 11:25:51 PM »
Hi Lainie,

We actually did live in a tent for nine days, between moves, when Nat and Owen were little, and we made it a "vacation" when in reality, we just didn't have enough money to stay anywhere else.  Money and all that it means, is evasive, and therefore, not worthy of our energy.  But, the almighty dollar (whether Canadian or US, or elsewhere) helps when we have to pay the bills, eh?

Those stories, about Brynn, those are what keep us going...those stories about our beautiful children, who were so unimaginably snatched from us...we hold them dear, and always will.

Write to us whenever you can.  I know how difficult it is to sit at a computer monitor and watch the letters appear, when all we want is for our kids to walk in the front door, and tell us about something that happened in their day.

They are not going to walk in the front door again.   But, there is nothing stopping us from continuing our love for them.  We can talk to them, look for the signs they send to us, and look forward to the day when we meet them again. 

My belief, is that they want us to make SOMETHING happen here in their honor.  I believe you are doing just that.  Keep visiting us...these people who "get" your pain and your love.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom



38
Child Loss / Re: 2 am
« on: August 14, 2007, 11:05:29 PM »
Hi Rebecca,

These nights are hard, harder than anything we've ever endured.  Know that we are here with you.  Write when you can...

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

39
Child Loss / Re: Just wondering
« on: August 13, 2007, 11:11:18 PM »
Hey Lainie,

Looking through the posts, I reread this one, and after just replying to your post about being in crisis, I thought I should share with you one more thing.  (There will be more, I can't keep my thoughts inside, as they are likely to make me bitter, and I refuse to be bitter about anything that has to do with Owen.)

The one more thing:  I'm certain we will always wonder.  We will always wonder what might have been.  We will always wonder what kind of adults our kids would have been. We will always wonder what joyful experiences might have been.  And, I know that our kids are no longer wondering.  They have gone out to play.  And playing is what they lived for.  Perhaps, we can find a way to play, as they did.  I hope so.

Thinking about you often, and loving your Brynnie, as one of my own lost children.  I think we gather them all here, and make them part of our larger families.  This is the family you never imagined - never wanted, and yet here we are, your brothers and sisters in loss.

Stay with us.  We want you to be a part of our family.  The family of humankind that experiences life in an unforgivable, yet hopeful circle.  Hope for a future that will bring us to peace, and the knowledge that our children want us to go on, and use our lives with them to support others who know and have no one with which to share.

We are here, and you can share.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

40
Child Loss / Re: I'm in a crisis
« on: August 13, 2007, 10:45:48 PM »
Hi Lainie,

Marianne's suggestion to tell us stories about Brynn is perfect.  Our relationships with our kids go on, even though they're not here physically with us.  Telling stories of your sweet girl might be helpful, especially since we all want to know about her, and your loving relationship with her.

I know I tend to rattle on about Owen, but, for me, that's the gift he left me.  We had stories that were so funny and sweet, and while he's not here to share in them the same way the rest of us are, his stories are still HIM.  I would love to hear more about Brynn. 

When you feel like you can sit at the computer and pour out your heart, please do.  We're here, we reading, and feeling right along with you.

Anyone who can love as much as you can, certainly has a purpose in sharing your life with Brynn, with people who can understand your pain.  I would have never expected that I would be a part of a community such as this, but I am SO thankful.

If you can, tell us about a time when Brynn talked about friendship and what that meant to her.  Or, if that doesn't work for you, tell us about a time when she felt sad, because sad is a part of everyone's life, and children can be so open about what hurts.  They don't have the same limitations about feelings that adults have.  They haven't yet been corrupted by society's inability to feel and express those feelings.  Or, maybe you could just tell us about a time when the two of you shared a pizza, or watched a movie together.  We want to know what made the two of you laugh together.  Try it...or not...whatever works. 

I know (or at least, think I remember) that you are in Canada - east coast, is it?  Owen's father was from Perry Sound in Ontario.  While it's a long ways from California, this board is not a long way from our hearts.  We're here for you. 

Keep the tissues near the keyboard, and let us know you're okay.  We want you to be with us, no matter how long.  We all have to find our way through this un-f***ing-believable experience.  (I have quite the potty mouth, forgive me if filling in the blanks is offensive - I use certain words and phrases when no other words fit my pain!) 

We love you and Brynn, and want you to carry on HER spirit in YOUR future.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

41
Child Loss / Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« on: August 12, 2007, 11:37:26 PM »
Hey again,

Although it seems self-indulgent to reply to my own post, I can't help myself.  Just wanted to let you all know that we still know nothing - 11 weeks tomorrow since I last saw my Owen.

I called the coroner's office on Friday, and they said to expect it to take another 2 -4 weeks for the final autopsy report.  The civil-servant-red-tape thing is larger, longer, than I would have ever imagined.  How dare the propaganda machine of television make us believe this should be different. 

I left messages with the detective on Owen's case, and at the coroner's office.  No replies, duh.  So, we sit with our constant questions, and our constant misery in missing Owen.  Yet, we have our joyful memories to support us through this agony.  They are important in this purgatory (no, we're not Catholic, but totally get the concept of purgatory now - not for the dead, but for the living).  Forgive me, if these words offend anyone's faith.  They don't come from my faith, they come from my grief.

My faith tells me that Owen is happier now than he was in this life.  My older son, Nat, and his stepdaughter, Ruby visited this evening for dinner.  He is so tortured, absorbed in guilt, and our conversations take hours to come to a place of momentary acceptance of what has happened.  I am so concerned about losing him in the mystery.   He doesn't have the life skills to deal with this kind of obscurity - who does?  He is doing his best, and thank God, he has Anna and Ruby to give him a sense of "life going on" for I don't believe he would care, otherwise.

Today was one of my darker days.  Don't know why, don't care.  Just know.  I stayed in bed most of the day, watching the PGA tournament from my bed - the television being in the living room and visible from my prone position, however, I didn't bother to put on my glasses.  Sometimes, we don't really want to see, just want to escape.  Is that true for you?

So, when it got close to the time when Nat and Ruby were to arrive, Dave and I rushed to the store for dinner ingredients.  When we got home, I felt this overwhelming need to spruce up the house, make it look like someone here still cares about things like dust and cobwebs.  Dave and I kicked into high gear, to get the place cleaned up, and waited for them to arrive. 

When they pulled into the driveway, I was again, in bed.  Sick, physically, sick.  Once I heard Nat's car driving over the gravel, I snapped to.  I played with Ruby (she's four), and she loves my stuffed bear collection.  After they ate (I couldn't), she wanted to go upstairs to Owen's room.  She loves visiting his room.  She talks about him openly, remembering Owen stories, and it's amazing to me, that at her young age, she remembers him, and talks about him in such an innocent way.  I watched and listened to Nat talk with her about his brother, the uncle she will probably not remember in the years ahead.  And, Nat was awesome.  I am so thankful he can grab hold of this life in these moments, and truly get how dear his current relationships are, and welcome them into his life.

For now, we wait.  For eleven weeks, we've waited.  And, for a lifetime, we may never truly know what happened to Owen, except that he died at 20, and was working so hard at finding a balance in life.  Balance.  What a gift.  We may never feel it again.  I can't know.  I can only hope. 

I love you all for being here.  I can't imagine not having a place to put these feelings.  Counseling is great, but it's not here in these late hours.  You are.  Thank you.  Thank you, Tom Golden, for having this amazing place to write, and read, and grieve with others who know our pain.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

42
Child Loss / Re: Insomnia and Nightmares
« on: August 11, 2007, 11:26:08 PM »
Hi Mary, LuAnn, and everyone else who posted to this thread,

I'm lucky.  Owen does visit me in my dreams.  And, the Tylenol PM is something I think of as temporary.  Because I'm allergic to certain medications, I'm apprehensive about ALL medications, even OTCs.  But, I know that there are times when "aids" can be of some benefit.

This is how I explained it to Owen when we were considering certain medications that were prescribed for him, and he didn't want to take them:  Owen, I wear glasses to see better.  I don't wear them because I think I look good in them.  I wear them because they help.  I don't wear them all the time.  I wear them when I need them.

Sleep is something I need.  Sleep is something I know would make this journey less painful.  (Yes, I actually believe that.)  Sleep is something that evades me.  Whether it's Tylenol PM, or melatonin, or magnesium/calcium/zinc, or some of the other herbs I've tried, sleep is the objective, so as to mitigate the pain of conscious thought.  Conscious thought is where I grieve.  Sleep is where I get to visit Owen in beautiful, joyful memories.  So, sleep is where I want to go on a regular basis. 

However, how we all get there is up to us and our best efforts at finding it.  I wish you all a good night's sleep, so that you may wake up tomorrow with some relief from the physical pain of the deprivation from this biological thing that is supposed to replenish our ability to cope.  I'm not saying it's the end-all-and-be-all of grieving.  I'm only saying that I know my body and my mind well enough to believe a decent night's sleep could help.

I'm not new to grief, as I've lost so many friends and family (beginning at the age of eight) that there was a time when my brother and I talked about not making friends anymore, as they would just die, and we would be right back in this spot.  My first friend died when I was 8, my father when I was 10, and the list is unbelievable since then (can't actually remember the number right now), Mom having left us in 2001, three more friends, then Owen, my youngest son just 10 weeks ago.  I've been to four funerals since March, 2007, with Owen's being the most recent.  But, NOTHING, has been this terrible.  It's the promise thing - that giving birth means you'll always be there to protect him or her. 

Good sleep, good dreams, to all of you - no matter how you get there.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

43
Child Loss / Re: 3 letters that become our lives
« on: August 11, 2007, 10:40:51 PM »
Hi Melissa,

I hate it that my life now reminds me of so many movies I watched with Owen.  I think it was "Sleepless in Seattle" when at the beginning, the dad and the son are standing at mom's graveside and the dad says something like, "If you ask why, you'll go crazy."  That's the short version, and not verbatim, but you catch my drift, as everyone here will.

And, yet, we all ask the question in spite of knowing we might go crazy.  What is crazy, really?  Crazy is all our sleepless nights with our memories, our unexplainable pain, the pain caused by or witnessed by others' accounts of what happened to our children.  I'm afraid the answer (were our family fortunate to know what really happened to Owen) will never be enough.

The only armor I have against this incessant question is something Owen always said.  "Mom, it's all random.  We're no different than the plants, the animals...we get born, we live, we die.  And, then it all starts over again."  I don't know why he said this to me in various words over the last five years, but some people know things, and when they know, they know.  It hurt me to hear him talk this way, but it is so practical, and SO OWEN.  So, I hold on to the knowledge that we may never know why.  AND, that Owen never gave much thought to why or how, just...what are you doing with your life now? 

I wish I had that same pragmatic approach to life and death that he had, but I have that thing called parenthood that motivates me to think there's something more precious than randomness that keeps us here, thinking, feeling, and asking why...yet, random seems applicable in most of our cases.  I'm speaking from a place of my own experience, and cannot know all of your reasons for asking why.  I know only this, life is precious to me, AND I cannot know what it will be for the next child that is born, nor the next flower that blooms, nor the deer that roam the hills around our house. 

AND, Owen thought life was a "grand experiment" and talked about it as though from a distance, a knowledge, that I cannot grasp.  I hold those conversations so dear, as they give me a modicum of peace, in this unthinkable rage in not knowing why.

I want my three letters to become something else.  I want them to become simply, ILY..I Love You.  I wish I could let go of W-H-Y, and let I-L-Y become larger, more obvious in my daily life.  I'm too new at this, so why is still in my face...and in my heart.  I look forward to the transformation.  Owen did, and he's in a place where why doesn't matter.  But, ILY does. I hope Charlie would agree.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

44
Child Loss / Re: 3 am
« on: August 11, 2007, 06:44:11 PM »
Hi Rebecca,

3 am is just as good a time to write as any, yes?  I know it's harder with your recent injury, but better than the torture of sleeplessness in grief.  For me, anyway.   

I had an injury 7 weeks after Owen passed away, and it made everything that much worse.  Nothing broken, just bruised and scraped from a fall.  It really did seem to make missing Owen even worse, as every time I moved, I hurt both physically and emotionally.  I know this is bringing your loss of Jason even more to the surface, and I'm so sorry for you and your family.

I hope you sleep tonight.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom




45
Child Loss / Re: Birthday
« on: August 11, 2007, 06:26:37 PM »
Hi mbridges7,

I just lit a candle on your memorial website for Korey, and will light a white candle in honor of his birthday tonight, when lighting my son's candles, and again on Monday, your son's birthday.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5