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Messages - mom23kidsco

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Child Loss / Re: graduations
« on: May 17, 2007, 05:39:49 PM »
When these milestone happen to me I get sad too. I miss my son Matt but that is because I grieve for the things that Matt will never have.  He will never have a wife, children, and all that goes with that.  We see good things happen and we begin to grieve all over. It feels like a step back but I don't think that. I think that it hurts because we think of all the things our family members will miss.
Sometimes I spend so much time thinking of what others think that I make myself crazy. It doesn't matter what they think. I used to think that I had to be strong for those around me. I found that when I fall apart that gives others strength. It lets them feel they are not alone.  This is just my thoughts on things.

Main / Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« on: May 11, 2007, 01:47:49 PM »
Sorry this is so long it took two posts.
It helped me to begin to heal.  It does get easier but there are days the anger comes back to haunt me.  It was over 20- years ago.  The day my daughter got married was one.  He was not here to share the first wedding of the family's grandchildren.
Then there were the births of my grandchildren. 
You are feeling all the pain and anger now.  When you hold your new baby you will feel the love you don't think you can now.  When you hold your son you are holding the best reason to go on.  The new lives you have been intrusted with is God's promise that the world will go on.
One more thing.  Take it easy on your first day back at work.  I don't know what kind of job you do. The hardest day will be that first day.  You may have people hovering over you to make sure you are ok. Then you will meet the people who think that you should be over it.  Do what YOU need to do to get thru the day. YOU are important not them. Do what you need to to get thru the day. Feel free to e-mail me. Some time when you are stronger I will tell you about my son I lost. Love and prayers to your whole family.

Main / Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« on: May 11, 2007, 01:36:52 PM »
I too lost a father to a suicide.  The pain does get easier to deal with.  I was at work. I tried to call my husband as I did every night.  The kids answered the phone and said that thier Dad had left.  Just as I hung up the phone and I mean I hadn't even taken my hand off of the phone when my boss came in and said there was a man to see me.
I went to the office and there was my husband standing there. He told me that we had to go because something had happened to my father. I asked him what was going on. Luckly my cousin work there and had an office.  He took me inside the office and told us both that my Dad had tried suicide.  I left the factory not knowing weather he was alive or dead.
When we got to my mother's house it was like walking a guantlett. My Dad had hung himself in the garage.
You can't beat yourself up with what if's. They can kill you. I had a nervous break down and was in the hospital for 2 weeks.
The hardest thing they had me do was write a letter to my Dad.  I wrote every hurtfull thing and all my anger. Then I read the letter to my Dad's picture.

Main / Re: Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes and Corn
« on: May 09, 2007, 08:06:35 PM »
I am sorry you lost your friend to suicide.  I lost my father and my son that way.  It is not easy to know what is in someone else's mind. Being pissed is normal.  I was so mad at my father that I couldn't see. I didn't deal with it and then I had a nervous break down.  That is no fun either. Some days I think I still belong in a rubber room.
2 1/2 years ago my son Matthew decided to take his life too.  I was mad at him too. I decided that I would deal with the anger.  I didn't want to go back to the hospital.  He chose New Year Eve to end his life.  So now Christmas and New Year's suck.
Comfort food is always good.  Find something construtive to do with the anger.  When I get mad I bake bread.  Why you make ask bread?  Because you can beat the hell out of it and have something good at the end.  Cathy

Child Loss / Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« on: May 08, 2007, 10:01:14 PM »
I don't think anyone can say it is another's time to go.  As we have no power to make them stay or bring  them back how can we say it is time to go.  My son took his life. He was 26. He had epilpsy.  I think he was just tired.  He always had trouble.  He was my most difficult child.  And I truly miss him.  Even all the fights we had.  He wanted to be an adult when he wanted and wanted a Mommy all the rest of the time. It is confusing to live like this, always on egg shells.  So was it his "time to go". I don't think so but he did.

Child Loss / Re: YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.....
« on: May 08, 2007, 09:31:42 PM »
You can not judge some one else's feelings.  They alone own them.  That goes for any posting on this site.  Unfortunutly there is no one fit for everyone. This is sad for you. I hope you find a place that can help you. Someday you will say how you are feeling at a given moment in time and I hope people don't condem the way you are helped or how you got that help. Peace be unto you.

Main / Re: We the living
« on: May 08, 2007, 09:26:51 PM »
Hi Lauren
I want to thank you for such a lovely post.  I agree with you.  After I lost my son I made a choice not to cry everyday. It is a hard thing to do. It is still a choice every day.  I took the one thing that was important to Matthew and made it my tribute to him. He loved education.  I remember the day he came home and asked if a friend of his from school could move in with us.  I asked why.  He told me that he was an exchange student from Holland and he was being asked to find a new home. I told him of course he could come. Now we are hosting again. This year we have a girl from China.  It is the best way to remember him and to honor him.

I am lucky because I can remember the last words I ever said to him was I Love you and have a good day at work.  By 7:00 o'clock that night he was gone by his own hand.  My life has never been the same.  At least I got to tell him I loved him.

I feel the best way to honor our family members is to live a life to bring them honor. That doesn't mean we miss them less or we didn't love them.  It is because we love them that we can go on with life.

Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: May 03, 2007, 10:09:35 PM »
I lost my son Matthew 2 1/2 years ago.  He was 26 years old.  Lwts start at the begining.  He was born in Ok on June 14, 1978.  My husband was in the Army at the time.  Matt was 6 weeks old when my husband  was sent to Germany.
We went back to MO to live with my mother and father while we waited to join my husband in Germany.  In Dec of that year Matt was dignosed with seizures.  He struggled all of his life with them.
On New Years Eve 2004 I was working. I called his cell to tell him I would be a little late as I was covering someones lunch.  I wanted to ask him if he wanted something for dinner. He didn't answer his phone.  So I called my other son Kit to see if he knew where Matt was.  He told me I needed to come home right away. I asked him why. He just kept telling me to come home.  I finally asked him if Matt had done somthing stupid.  That is when he handed the phone to the Officer that was with him.  I remember him asking my name. I told him what it was.  He told me on the phone that my son had taken his own life. I can not stand New Years Eve now.
In October of 2005 I got a call from my daughter saying that her children had been taken by DCFS.  She and her husband were both in jail for molesting thier children. 
I have not seen my grandchildren since my sons funeral.  In one year I lost all my family except my middle son.  I tried to get my grandchildren but the state of ND held them hostage.  Now they are being adopted by someone else.  I have not been allowed to see them or talk to them in 2 years.  I live in Co and if they had been here I would have them safe with me now.  I didn't even get a chance to greive for my son before loseing the rest of my family.  I often wonder how I kept my sanity.

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