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Messages - jazzgirl

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Suicide Loss / still feeling the pain 6 years later
« on: August 01, 2012, 11:28:22 PM »
My brother took his life Jan. 1 2006 and had 2 boys he left behind. His oldest is now 15 and is very bitter towards us (my brothers side). It breaks my heart to feel his pain. He was only 8 when his dad took his life and under therapist opinion, it was said to just tell him he was very sick. He later found out the truth and now completely blames us for lying to him. We all do not live in the same town with him and he is feeling like we have abandoned him. It just breaks my heart. This has truly struck a pain within my family and has made us very angry at my brother for taking his life. He has left us with such a mess to clean up and I truly hate him for that. I will always love my brother but how Selfish!! I miss him so much and I hate that all this time has gone by and I feel like I am forgetting his voice. His 2 sons remind me so much of him. His oldest son has made it very clear lately that he just hates being compared to his dad. I just hate having to deal with all of this when this all could have been avoided!

Sibling Loss / Re: Baby Blue
« on: October 25, 2010, 03:56:09 PM »
 :tearyeyed: What a beautiful poem. Crazy how we remember that day so detailed.

« on: October 22, 2010, 04:35:43 AM »
My heart breaks for you!!  Please hang in there. Not only  your wife, daughter, son, and grandson  would want you to hang on, but so would your sister. I know it's hard to see light, but there is and you will get there eventually. You are loved by so many and they would just be heartbroken without you. Life will bring you happiness again. I promise!!! Hang in there!
My hugs and prayers are with you

Sibling Loss / Re: October is here
« on: October 21, 2010, 06:34:09 PM »
Hi Gail, My mother in law said those same words to me after 1 1/2 yrs. and I was so angry with her. She lost her son a couple of years ago and is still struggling and the evil side of me wants to say those words back, but I could never be so cruel. I just think people that say those words just don't get it until it happens to them. It is never something u get over! U just move on and cope.
Thinking of you... Jazzgirl

Suicide Loss / Re: loss brother to suicide
« on: October 21, 2010, 06:30:32 PM »
Thank you Tom!!

Sibling Loss / Re: pain
« on: October 21, 2010, 06:22:17 PM »
I just reread your post and noticed your last line. I also thought about wanting to join my brother, but I came to realize how many people would just be so hurt if I did. I couldn't do that to them because it just isn't right. I really do feel like your sister would want you to live life to the fullest and make the most of it while you can. You have to see that life is just to short to waste it. If she could be here with you, she would. I know in my heart that my brother would not want me to waste any minute of my life. It is just too short! My heart goes out to you!

Sibling Loss / Re: Brother David -gone 7 months now
« on: October 21, 2010, 06:13:48 PM »
Hi Deebee,
My heart breaks for you and your family. I don't even know the rest of your story of David. It sounds like he had a very rough life style. I have to say though that thru your words, it sounds like you were a wonderful sister and did the best you could to bring happiness to his life. Unfortunately, that is how life is. All you can do is be the best friend and sister possible and hope that everything turns out ok. That is a lesson I have learned in a very hard way with my brother commiting suicide.  Although I talked to my brother often, I always regret not visiting him more or calling more and checking up on him. After he passed, I make it my mission to be in peoples lives or give simple phone calls here or there just to say I care. I, too, have friends that are in that dark path of life with drugs and alcohol and, although I don't agree with their livestyle, I know it is a way that they turn to to fill a void. I just make sure to let them know that I love them and I honor you for being such a good sister. You should know you did all the right things, but that sometimes isn't enough.
Thinking of you.... Jazzgirl!

Hi Haileyyy,
I just wanted to tell you that my brother has been gone for almost 5 years now and I still feel the pain from time to time as if it just happened yesterday. I had my step mother in law tell me after 1 1/2 yrs. that I just need to get over it cuz it had been so long and those words hurt me so bad and made me feel like I was dwelling on his passing for too long, but she was so very wrong. Unfortunately, she lost her son and it had been over 2 years and still to this day she is struggling. Please dont think that just because it has been 1 1/2 yrs. that it is time to "get over it".  Nobody ever gets over it. You just learn to move on, but the pain always stays there. Please don't ever feel like you have to be fake either. I cried forever. I couldn't understand how so many tears could just keep coming, but tears are part of healing and don't ever feel like you have to put a show on. Cry as much as you need to. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know I would ignore my friends when I was having rough days and still do to this day. It's ok! You do what's best for you!!!
Thinking about you... Jazzgirl!

Sibling Loss / Re: Can you hear me?
« on: October 20, 2010, 03:59:13 PM »
So sorry to hear of your losses.  Just know that this is a reminder to live life to the fullest cuz you never know how much time you have.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jazzgirl

Sibling Loss / Re: bicycle helmets
« on: October 20, 2010, 03:57:34 PM »
Hi Helene,
I just wanted to say I can relate to that after my brother died. Even almost 5 years later, I do it with seeing the same truck he use to drive. I know it's not him now, but it still catches my eye. or I will see people that look just like my brother and stare for a brief moment. The girl he was married too when he died got remarried shortly after his death and it was very eary how the guy she married looked identical to my brother. That was so crazy.
Thinking of you, Jazzgirl

Suicide Loss / Re: loss brother to suicide
« on: October 20, 2010, 03:41:17 PM »
Thank you Deebee and Terry.  I really appreciate the encouraging words. I'm so glad I came back to visit the website. It's been a couple of years since I've been on here, but this website was my lifeline when I had no one to talk to. I just want to say thank you to whoever came up with it because it is extremely helpful to those who don't have the courage or the time to go to support groups.
Jason was extremely sensitive and had an overwelming amount of stress on his shoulders when he took his own life, but I do feel in my heart that he is truly sorry for what he has done. I swear this sounds crazy, but right after his death, I felt his presence and all I could hear him saying was "I'm sorry" over an over again. I have concluded in my head that suicide is a permanent mistake and there is no clear thinking when someone decides to do it.
Deebee, I understand how you would have to get to the bottom of your brothers tragic accident. I encourage you to talk with the other ones involved so that you can have some kind of closure or put the pieces together in your head as to what happened. My brother had hung himself in his back yard for his wife to find him and his neighbors also had to be a part of that as well and I had to ask every question I could think of because I too needed answers. Something the preacher said at his funeral that I hung on to was "If God didn't want him to go, he wouldn't have taken him". At first, I was mad at God because I thought how cruel he was to take such a great Dad, Uncle, Son, Brother away, but then later came to realize he had his reasons and that I honestly think my brothers time if he were still here would have turned into a living hell for him.  Explaining all this is why I feel it is important for you to get answers so it can help you move forward.
Terry,  I can say that was truly an uphill battle that was won and I am so thankful it was a good outcome. Just goes to show there is hope!!

Sibling Loss / Re: pain
« on: October 20, 2010, 05:43:58 AM »
Dear Ron,
I completely get where you are coming from with your spouse not experiencing loss like you have. My husband has not lost anyone so close and just doesn't get it. He comforts me, but it isn't like I can talk to him cuz he just doesn't get it. The loss just hearts your heart so much and it sucks knowing you are going to live the rest of your life w/out your sibling. It's been almost 5 years without my brother and from time to time I find myself crying uncontrollably because he's missing out on so much. It's like a roller coaster of emotions. Everyone says it gets easier, which it does, but the pain never leaves. It just gets hidden and certain things spark it up again.

Sibling Loss / Re: Can you hear me?
« on: October 20, 2010, 05:34:08 AM »
Dear Fireballkid,

I know exactly how you feel. My brother took his own life and I look back and think of all the What If's and it about drove me insane. Everything was so clear after he died of how he was reaching out. I even noticed things weren't right, but I never thought in a million years I would ever wake up to that horrifying phone call. Something that helped me cope was hearing if it wasn't meant to happen, it wouldn't have happened. It took a long time to accept that, but it helped me get over that bump. All we can do after this learning experience is make sure we are there for the future and reach out if we get the slightest thought in our head so we can honestly say we did everything we could. I'm very sorry to hear about your sister. My brother and I were very close and I miss him tremendously.

Suicide Loss / loss brother to suicide
« on: October 20, 2010, 05:23:20 AM »
Hey guys... Its been a very long time since I have been here. Jason died Jan. 1 2006. It's almost been 5 years and something triggered my memory of him lying there in the casket cold and lifeless. It has brought the memory back and I can't get the vision out of my head. I go to sleep and it's the 1st thing I see when I close my eyes. I wake up and it's the  1st thought I have. I am right back to crying consistently to where my eyes feel like they are going to fall out. He hung himself and I can still see the bruising he had around his neck in the casket. I hate that this much time has passed and I have come so far and accepted the fact that he has gone, but yet all it takes is something someone says to make me fall right back into  that darkness of tears and sadness. I miss him so much and get so mad because he took his own life and could have still been here with us if he wasn't so damned selfish. He is missing out on so much!! His boys are getting so big and they look so much like him. My sister had twins he will never be able to meet. My kids are missing him so much. They will mention him out of the blue too. They will say how much they miss him and how he was their favorite uncle. I hate that we will never be able to have cook outs together and watch our kids grow up together. Thank goodness that since time has passed, the mothers of his 2 kids are letting my parents see the boys and take them on trips to visit so we get to spend time with them. It was hell on earth when he 1st passed away. Unfortunately, the youngest boy really doesn't even know his father. He was only 1 when Jason died.  He knows who we are, but I don't think understands why we are in his life. His mother had remarried 6 months after Jason died and had another child instantly, so that is pretty much what he remembers. Now they are divorced and it's very ugly.  I cant imagine facing what she has had to face in the last 5 years. She found my brother in her back  yard. The older boy is 12 now. He was 8 when Jason died. We get to see him 1 or 2 times a year. That's not too bad. I'm thankful for whatever we get.

Main / Re: Missing my brother
« on: May 07, 2008, 09:39:40 PM »
Thank you Crushed. It's good to see you here still too. You all were my life line thru that turmoil, but I have to say the Lord has blessed us and us backing off was the best thing we could have done. I actually have a great relationship with Tyler. To be honest, we've been seeing him a lot more lately. We had another break down with him where he was talking about wanting to kill himself. I just hate that my brother did that to his sons. I know Jacob is too young. His sweet self just doesn't know what to think. I can tell you Jacob is as happy as they come. He's a very adventurous  boy. We all went camping together Easter weekend and the campground we stayed at was a very popular place where steady campers go every year and everyone knows everyone. Well Jacob's bike wasn't running corectly cuz it was an older bike, so this sweet angel of a man that was well known was talking to us and went and got tools and tried to fix it. It ended up being non fixable, but the funny part of the story is Jacob was more concerned about his shoes not being tied. He had velcro strapped shoes and he told him he had to tie his shoes. Well the guy thought that was so funny and was telling us how he was going tell his wife about that cuz she's always telling him the same thing, but the point was, he didn't fix his shoes so Jacob got up and said I'll do it and sure did. He is just so fun. My parents get him every week. They are starting to get Tyler more too. We just seen him for my grandfathers 80th b-day. Him and Jeffery have become quite the buddies. We were playing cards a lot when we were camping at Easter time and he made a game up called trash. At least he claims he made it up. Anyway, it became a big hit with our families. The kids love it. We were walking along the river we were on as well. Hanging out with Tyler makes me feel like I'm hanging out with my brother all over again. He told me he was teaching Jeffery how to pick up girls. Plus he had a lot of girlfriends. He told me he had pictures of them all in his head. He just makes me laugh cuz his ways of thinking are just like Jasons. I'm just very thankful that the wives are seeing that all that nonsense was only hurting the kids.

Now we have a new obstical. My nana died July of last year and my papa had been married to her since they were 16. That's a really long time. Well towards the end of her life, they lived in seperate houses, but it became too much for her to handle by herself. Well, when she died, my dad and his brothers were  very angry with their father. I don't blame them. Marriage is for better or for worst. But now my Papa is having a wedding In July of this year with this lady he was kind of seeing before my nana died. She's been at all the events lately. Don't get me wrong. She's a wonderul lady to be around, but I just hope my kids don't start asking questions or say anything about Nana. That was their first and only funeral they've been too and they remember it very well. They remember seeing her right before she died cuz it was the day right after St. patty's day and she gave them gold coins and necklaces they had at a party at the retirement center. They hold those coins dear to their hearts too. Plus they talk about God on them. I love that.  I do have to say m Uncle is a very strong man cuz he was the most angry, but the wedding is being held at his house. I just got their invitation in the mail. I think it will be fine. The kids can swim. It's just a celebration is what they want. No big huge dress or anything. 
I have a shelf at my house that has my nana and her funeral information and life dates on a laminated book mark and my papa just had laminated book marks of his birthday and the prices of things in the year he was born. Point being though, both of them have their pics. up top and I keep them on the shelf with all my brothers pics of his life. Well one of the kids decided to rearrange it and put nana on 1 side, my brother in the middle, and papa on the other side and a card that i saved that really inspired me thru my grief that says "Every sunset brings me peace, every sunrise brings me hope" and placed it right under neath their pics. Pretty neat huh. I haven't touched them since.
well it's really good talking here again. I hope all is well with everyone. These stories are proof that you can move on and it will happen one day. Cry as much as you can because that is the healing process!! May God Bless All of You!!

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