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Messages - LuAnn

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Child Loss / Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« on: December 25, 2008, 10:15:56 PM »
Thank you, everyonefor helping me.

Child Loss / Will This Always Define My Life
« on: December 21, 2008, 04:39:20 PM »
I haven't been on this board for a long time. For a while it was just too hard to be here but also a comfort  to know that I could come back.

In the past 4 years I have lost a 5 year old grandson, a 32 year old cousin, my oldest son )my grandson's daddy) and my nephew. They all died of separate accidents.

I know that the holidays are horrible and distort all my emotions. Will these deaths always define me? Will I always feel like such a freak because I take a handful of pills in the morning and another handful at night because I am so depressed? Will I always feel like I'm slighting my other children and grandchildxren be cause I seem to concentrate more on the ones that are gone than the ones that are here? Will I ever be able to hold a job again? Will I ever be me again?

Thank you for your support.

Child Loss / Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« on: August 08, 2007, 06:17:36 AM »
I'm right there with you, sister...... losing friends that you thought would always be there, re-evaluating what is truly important in life and especially wanting to slap people for the petty bullshit.

I consider it a good day if I can actually get out of bed, brush my teeth and take a shower. Anything after that is a bonus.

The thing that still bothers me obsessively is our cultures view on dying and how soon the survivors are supposed to get back to a normal life. It is absolutely cruel to make a parent return to work after taking the standard 3 day bereavement leave. You can't even get a funeral planned and carried out in 3 days. The company I work for has fabulous short and long term disability benefits except that they exclude any mental health diagnoses. I could have surgery or break my leg and I would get paid for time off work but if I get depressed because my grandson, son and nephew die there are no benefits. We are just supposed to suck it up and pretend that we actually care about  what is going on at work. I have had 3 sudden, traumatic deaths happen in the past 3 years (1 a year with the last one only 5 months ago) and I am expected to function at work at full capacity. No one has any tolerance for my ongoing grief and fear that another death is going to hapen at anytime.

Well, now my ranting is over...thank you for listening


Mel's mom, Drake's grandma and Stevie B's aunt

Child Loss / Insomnia and Nightmares
« on: August 07, 2007, 05:38:33 PM »
I have such a hard time sleeping. I am taking medication but nothing seems to work. The reality is that I am afraid to sleep because those awful scenes of my granson, son and nephew's death play over and over again. Last night I had horrible nightmares about losing yet another young male member of my family. After 2 separate nightmares I got out of bed so that it wouldn't happen again.

Please share with me about your sleep problems or successes and what has worked for you.


Child Loss / Re: Almost Time to Wear My Different Face
« on: May 27, 2007, 07:21:17 PM »
Oh, Rebecca, I know exactly what you mean. I have kept myself to mostly family gatherings because I just can't take the small talk. I find myself wanting to scream don't you people understand that the pain never goes away; that  I constatnly think of them.

Know that you are not alone,

Child Loss / Re: Please Remember Me
« on: May 25, 2007, 07:01:44 PM »
I was looking at pictures trying to pick one and figure out how to include it on my posts. I laughed and I cried remembering that we did have some really happy times. I came across a picture where Drake and Kaylie were on my deck after a rainstorm. They were told NOT to get wet by their dad but knew they could talk me, grandma, into some puddle wading. Before you knew it they were running across the deck and diving into the puddles on their bellies, soaking wet and laughing so hard. There is such joy on their faces and I know there was joy on mine. I only hope I can find a gllimmer of that joy again someday.

Child Loss / Stealing From The Cemetery
« on: May 25, 2007, 06:48:31 PM »
May 8th was my grandson's 3rd angel date. He and my son share a grave and headstone. My grandson loved anything to do with JOhn Deere so I took two yellow rose bushes (the yellow and green represent John Deere) to the cemetery and planted them on either side of the headstone.

Last Sunday I felt the need to visit their grave and discovered that my rose bushes were gone. Have any of you experienced this? I was so angry. I hope Mel and Drake and Stevie B haunt whoever did this.

Child Loss / Re: Poem from my son
« on: May 25, 2007, 06:39:06 PM »
Oh, Linnie Sue; Stevie B loved you so much and so do I.

Child Loss / Re: How do we do it?
« on: May 25, 2007, 04:28:33 PM »
I. too, have been asked how do you do it. Having lost a grandson, son and nephew in a 3 year period has taken its' toll on me. I was sitting in a small group of people when one of them asked how do you do it? One of my friends responded for me saying she doesn't have any choice; she is a hostage.  I couldn't have answered any better. Of course, I do have a choice and the reality is that I choose to continue living for my other children but I am a hostage to my pain.

My son once promised me that eventhough he was suicidal over losing his precious 5 year old son he would not take his own life because he didn't want me to feel the daily horror he felt. He did end up dying from a drug overdose and now I carry his pain each and every day. It is relentless. I know that I will never, never be the same.

Child Loss / Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« on: April 14, 2007, 03:28:49 PM »
from my boss.... you can work and take your mind off it.  as if the death of my son, my grandson and my nephew is ever off of my mind.

How are you.............. believe me, you can't handle the truth (Jack Nicholson said it best)

Call me if you need anything........I need our boys back. OK, since you can't give me that could you please figure out how I am going to pretend that I can function at life when all I seem capable of doing is pulling the covers over my head and crying.

Child Loss / Counseling ???
« on: March 27, 2007, 07:18:55 PM »
Have you found counseling helpful? How do you pick a really good counselor?

Child Loss / Re: I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE… :'(
« on: March 10, 2007, 07:34:05 PM »
Oh John,
Your words were as if you had been living in my head.  To lose a child is just too hard. We are not "supposed" to outlive our children.  This board helps me to know that I am not walking this horrible path alone.

Thank you,

Child Loss / Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« on: March 06, 2007, 07:54:59 AM »
My grandson has been gone for 2 and a half years and I can still be transported back to that day and place. I see everyone so vividly and can feel the extreme pain, horror and disbelief. I have to say to myself to stop thinking about that episode and think about a different memory of him. I try to picture myself picking up the remote control to my mind and changing the channel. I might have to do this several times before it works. I can also hear my grandson's voice say I'm OK, Grandma, don't think of me in that place.

I do the same thing with the memory of the phone call and the ER for my son, my cousin and my nephew. I guess I get lots of practice on this skill.

I definitely agree with friends and co-workers just getting tired of hearing about it. I have a wonderful family and since we have had so much tradegy in our lives we know that it never is far from anyone's mind.

I'm also just tired of putting on a happy face for people who are unconfortable with my pain. I'm uncomfortable with their happiness and awkwardness around me.

Child Loss / I Think I Am losing Touch With Reality - Multiple Deaths
« on: March 05, 2007, 08:25:29 PM »
I am blessed to be part of a wonderful tightly knit family but it seems that we are being picked off one at a time.

On May 8, 2004 my beautiful 5 year old grandson, Drake, was hit by a truck and killed. Six weeks later my 33 year old cousin was killed when he fell down a flight of stairs moving a desk.

On June 30, 2006, Mel, my oldest son and Drake's father died of a drug overdose.
My only sister has been my rock throughout these past 2 years of horrible pain and impending depression. She was planning on going to the cemetery on Feb 12th with me to remember Mel's birthday. Instead we were both at the hospital watching her 33 year old son die from a single car accident. Her son died on my dead son's birthday.

This is like a horrible continuous nightmare that we can't wake up from. How could my sister's son have been taken. Hasn't our family been punished enough???

I was a rock for my sister at the hospital and throughout the funeral process. Many,many times I just wanted to sit down and cry hysterically but I would take deep breaths and say "right now you need to take care of your sister because she has been taking care of you"

Now I am finding that almost everything is too much for me. I'm trying to work but I'm doing a very poor job of that and am constantly worried that I will be fired. The simplest tasks overwhelm me, I cry constantly, absolutely can't sleep and activities that used to bring me pleasure or comfort don't work. People have always said that the women in my family are so strong but I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm cracking up and judging myself very poorly for it. Any comments would be helpful and welcomed. How am I ever going to get through this????

Child Loss / Re: Is it wrong?
« on: March 04, 2007, 08:00:24 PM »
I moved a year after my grandson was killed. I had set up a table with pictures, trinkets, all the sympathy cards people sent to us. I didn't think I could possibly [ut those precious things in a box and close the lid. I could picture my son and I carefully carrying that table to our new home. Since that was absolutely impossible I did eventually pack everything very carefully and bring it to the new place.

My son, my grandson's dad, died 6 months ago and I haven't touched anything in his room. I let my mom clean it but told her not to throw anything away. His clothes are still hanging in the closet. I wore his Ohio State jersey every time there was a game. I go in his closet and just look at his clothes hanging there and pretend for just a moment that maybe he will be back.

None of us is wrong in how take this journey. I know that I am grateful that I can come here and validate that I'm not alone in how I try to cope.

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