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Messages - barb0617

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Main / Re: The Forums
« on: August 21, 2019, 06:47:11 PM »
Tom, I just want to express my appreciation for what you did here. I lost a son 20 years ago, and the child loss board, available 24/7, all those sleepless nights, enabled my survival. All those parents who knew what I was going through. I lost another son 8 years later. Thank you for this site. Not sure I could have survived without it.

Child Loss / Re: Aproaching the 5 year Angelversary
« on: May 12, 2018, 04:39:11 PM »
Took me a few to figure out I had to log in to reply to your post.
Like you, I come here at the "special" times, when I need to be with those who know, who understand. I'm glad you were able to drive away from work that day to take care of yourself. It's 19 years since I lost my son Jim to a car accident, 11 years since his older brother Tom ended his life in suicide. I've done a good job rebuilding my life without my sons. I have two surviving daughters, two awesome grandkids. But still I struggle with Mothers Day without my boys. Still.

Child Loss / Re: It's been a long time
« on: September 27, 2016, 08:48:12 PM »
Like you, Carol, I found this to be the place that allowed me to survive and to live again.And yes,mas you say, with time we learn to live with that pain. I find that when I'm entering into new events, passing milestones, there's a resurgence of sadness and tears. For happy joyful events! We're in the process of buying a beach house, and I find myself weepy, knowing how much the boys would have loved being there with us and with their sister's little kids. For me it's 17 years since my Jimmy died in a car accident at the age of 21 and eight years later his older brother ended his life in suicide, age 31. I talk to my boys everyday. We all find ways to keep them present. The grandkids talk about uncle Jimmy angel and uncle Tommy angel. And they smile.

Child Loss / Re: Just checking in
« on: September 27, 2016, 08:33:05 PM »
Those visits: we know for sure, most of the time, us moms who knew our kids for 9 months longer than anyone else. One time I felt Jimmy so strongly at my daughter's soccer game. After, I said, Hey, Coll, Jim was here for the game! She replied, " oh, Mom, you felt him, too?" For sure, he made sure we both knew. I'm grateful for those times.

Child Loss / Re: A msg from 2002
« on: September 27, 2016, 08:26:29 PM »
Thanks, Terry. I was three years bereaved the first time - Jimmy- when this appeared on our forum. It confirmed the validity of my experience. I should report - I'm gratefully in a pretty good place now. Blessed to have daughter and son-in-law and 2 grandkids just around the corner, and they like being near.

Child Loss / A msg from 2002
« on: September 27, 2016, 07:15:51 AM »
I was just putting together a folder of readings for a cousin who has lost her son to an overdose.  This one was so powerful when I found it so many years ago and I thought it might be good to post it here today.
The Agony of the Loss of a Child
The loss of a child is a tidal wave that overtakes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out onto an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped.  The loss of a child means not being able to read more than two sentences at a time.  It is walking into rooms with intention that suddenly vanishes.  The loss of a child is three o'clock in the morning sweats and shakes that won't stop.  It is dreadful Sundays, and Mondays that are no better.  It makes you look for a face in the crowd, knowing full well that the face we want to see cannot be found in that crowd.  The loss of a child is utter aloneness that razes the rational mind and makes room for the phantasmagoric.  It makes you suddenly get up and leave in the middle of a meeting, without saying a word.  The loss of a child makes what others think of you moot.  It shears away the masks of normal life and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth before propriety can stop you.  It shoves away family, scares away so-called friends, and rewrites address books for you.  The loss of a child makes you laugh at people who cry over spilled milk, right to their faces.  It tells the world that you are untouchable at the very moment when touch is the only contact that might reach you.  It makes lepers out of upstanding citizens.  The loss of a child discriminates against no one.  It kills. Maims. And cripples.  It is the ashes from which the phoenix rises, and the mettle of rebirth.  It returns life to the living dead.  It teaches that there is nothing absolutely true or untrue.  It assures the living that we know nothing for certain.  It humbles.  It shrouds.  It blackens.  It enlightens. 

Author unknown

Child Loss / Re: Remembering Adam
« on: September 08, 2016, 09:05:46 PM »
So sorry Paula.

Child Loss / Re: Remembering Jimmy
« on: September 08, 2016, 09:04:39 PM »
Thanks so much, Terry and Paula. We had a good day today. Saw a hawk and butterfly at the cemetery.  Met our daughters and dear friends' twin daughters at a local
Irish pub for dinner. Many messages of support on FB. So all in all - it was a good day. Never stop wishing that our Jim and his brother were still here with us, but ...

Child Loss / Re: After almost 20 years
« on: September 06, 2016, 06:35:19 PM »
I am so sorry, Sherry G. To lose a grandchild? Unimaginable. Glad you found your way back here. Know that I care.
Barb, mom to Jim 1999 and Tom2007 and two surviving daughters

Child Loss / Re: Very blue
« on: September 06, 2016, 06:28:45 PM »
I, too, Paula, wonder how these days bereaved parents survive without what we find here at  Webhealing. I still return in advance of the bad days. My Jimmy's 39th birthday is Thursday, September 8. We had him 21 years, he's been gone close to that long -17 years...  Retired now, I should be cleaning out and clearing out, but I resist and avoid because who knows what memories I'll uncover. I hope your Kaiti will come home soon. I hope the transition to FL will be a positive one for all of you. Even without the unique challenges of childloss, 24/7 in retirement, even for those with great love, can get a bit rocky. Be kind to one another. Be kind and patient. Know that I care.
Your sister in grief - Barb

Child Loss / Re: Lost my babygirl and can't cope
« on: August 26, 2016, 05:08:23 PM »
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 11weeks. A mother knows her child from the moment of conception. You knew your daughter and dreamed your dreams for her from the day you knew she existed. No one can take away her existence and who she is to you. Those who seem to do that either lack the capacity to empathize or they love you so much that they want you to be free from pain, to be ok, to be who you were before this tragedy. The parents here, we know what it is to suffer the loss of a child, whether at 11 weeks gestation or stillborn or 21 yrs old or 31 yrs old or whatever. Your loss is real. Your pain is real. As time goes by, it won't hurt so very very much. Know that I care.

Child Loss / Re: Tom's Angel Date (((Barb)))
« on: February 17, 2016, 07:37:39 PM »
Thanks, Terry. I'd had my three nieces with me for the four days before the anniversary. So no time for the emotions to surface. After they left Monday night - it all began to bust out. But because we have the two surviving daughters, and the two little grandkids, the anniversary itself ended up ok. Facebook contacts make a big difference. Lengthy messages from a friend of Tom I'd never met. It was all good. And this AM, the bad was behind me and I was OK. Life goes on. Life is for the living - the best phrase of advice from a relative, a phrase that helped me so much after my first child-loss. And then again when Tom died.

Child Loss / Re: Here again!
« on: February 17, 2016, 07:26:45 PM »
When I lost the second son, I'd already had 8 years of child-loss survival skills and coping strategies. What you've described - it's very much like my own experience. Knowing I got through and I would again. You are blessed with those two grandchildren. My boys didn't leave us any children. My daughter's two bring great joy, and we just can't be sad when they're around. I've often thought there was a book in me. But nothing written yet...

Child Loss / Re: Here again!
« on: February 15, 2016, 04:49:25 PM »
Oh Jo - so sorry you stopped in because you've lost a son for the second time. I first came here close to the 1st anniversary of my son's death in a car accident - 1999 is when we lost him. 2007 - I lost my firstborn, son, to suicide after 11 years bipolar disorder. Tomorrow is the 9th anniversary of his death - 2007.  How are you holding up?

Child Loss / Re: Happy Thanksgiving
« on: November 25, 2015, 08:02:11 PM »
Hi Lavonne- 17 years sounds like such a long time. For me, so hard to believe, 16 years since my Jimmy, 8 since my Tom left. Sounds like so many years but really time has a different meaning to those of us who have lost a child.

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