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Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: February 23, 2007, 01:48:07 PM »
On February 10, 2001, our 16 year old son, Jason, died in a car crash.  Jason was
born on August 30, 1984, eight pounds, 2 ounces and 21 inches long.  He had a
beautiful head full of dark brown hair.  Jason and I spent a lot of time together cause
his dad was in the Navy and at times, would be gone for six months at a time.  I didn't
go back to work for seven months after I gave birth, so Jason was very used to me
being around.  When I finally did go back to work and put him in a day care, he didn't
like it much at all and let me know about it.  I would get teased that Jason was a
permanent growth on my leg cause he would literally hang on to my ankle for the first
few weeks/months until he got used to it and began enjoying the interaction.

Jason was very outgoing and didn't give up for anything.  His first girlfriend was in
Kindergarten.  They got caught showing their bottoms off to one another.   Then at five,
he had his first cast.  He was playing on the jungle gym at school and was jumping from
the top (instead of using the pole or slide).  The teacher told him not to do that, but my
Jason was just a big show off.  Well, the next time he jumped, he held out his hand behind
him and landed right on it without bending his elbow.  Both bones broke.  His next accident,
he wasn't much older (6 or 7).  It was dark outside and we were at an outdoor cookout.
The kids were running around and next thing we know, here comes Jason crying.  He had run
right into a trailer hitch, which smacked him right between the eyes.  By the time we got to
the hospital and waited in the ER for a doctor to examine him, the wound was just about
closed up!

We first discovered Jason's sports talent when he was 2-1/2.  We bought him a small bike
with training wheels when he was 2.  The training wheels came off 6 months later and he
rode like he had been riding without the training wheels for years.  He played T-ball through
his young years.  Then it was off to Iceland.

He proved his sports agility again and again.  Anything he tried, he just exceeded extremely
well in.  Snowboarding, baseball, soccer, even gymnastics.  After Iceland, it was Key West
and there he made the paper several times with stories on how he led his InLine Hockey
team to the top.  He also was entered in the Pass, Punt, & Kick competition and the Hoop
Shoot (made 22 out of 25 baskets!).  Oh, and the water sports.  He loved to ski and knee
board.  He eventually became a certified diver also.

Jason was a good kid who just loved life.  After moving to our permanent address in Riverview,
Florida after my husband retired, you would see Jason playing with the younger kids in the
neighborhood, being big brother.  He was just goofy and could always make me laugh no matter
how mad I was.

When he turned 15, he took Driver's Ed in school and the instructor said he was the best
driver in the class.  We let him drive us everywhere so he would get the practice he needed.
He was a National Honor Student, and a member in the Junior Steering Committee.  Always
helping out.  When he was 16, for his birthday, we gave him my 1986 Mustang convertible.
We had rules, nobody except mom and dad in the car for the first six months.  Then only one friend
for the next six months.  He loved that car.  He payed for and installed new seat covers and was
fixing it up real nice.

Then on February 10, 2001, he wanted to spend the night at a friend, Norman's.  We told him
to have Norman come by as we had not met him before.  They had been at Bush Gardens
all day.  He brought him by and we spoke with Norman for a while.  He's a very nice boy who was
at the top of his class and a very good student.  We told Jason that he could spend the night, but
would have to leave the Mustang home and Norman would have to drive wherever they went.
They were supposed to meet some friends at Steak N' Shake and then go to the movies.  Jason
said that he wanted to take his car so that he didn't have to wake Norman up in the morning to
bring Jason home.  We trusted Jason, as he had never given us a reason not to, and agreed he
could take his car.  We said goodbye and have fun not realizing that that would be the last time
we saw him.

At 1:30 Sunday morning, the doorbell rang.  My husband was first to get out of bed.  I slowly got up
and was getting dressed and had a terrible feeling.  As I started walking out of the bedroom, my
husband came to me and took my hand and told me to come and sit down in the living room.  At that
point, I was thinking, "Jason is in the hospital."  But then, I saw the two state troopers standing in my
living room and I knew.  I sat down with my husband and the troopers proceeded to tell me that my
son had been in a very bad car crash and didn't make it.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I buried my head
in my husbands chest as he held me and I just said No, no and cried and cried.

The troopers explained that Jason entered the Crosstown Expressway and got into the left lane.  A
"phantom" car in the right lane proceeded to move over into Jason's lane.  Although Jason blew his
horn, the phantom car kept coming over.  As Jason's car proceeded into the left shoulder, he went into
a clockwise spin for 1/2 turn.  As the car continued sideways, the drivers side pushed up the guardrail.
The guardrail got to a certain point and folded over creating a point which drove through the driver's
door, broke the seatbelt Jason was wearing, protruded through Jason's body, lifted him up and threw
him out (the top was down) where he landed in the right hand lane and an oncoming van drove over
him.  They think at that point he was already gone as the impact from the guardrail probably caused
an instantaneous death. 

Our neighbor who is a police officer was kind enough to make the identity.  I don't think I could have
gone through that.  Jason was so disfigured and tore up, we almost didn't get any time with him before
the funeral.  They arranged it for us though.  He was covered in a sheet and the only thing showing was his
big toe.

Norman, the passenger, left without a single scratch on him.  When asked what happened, he and
the kids in the other car stuck with the story about a phantom silver truck with red pin striping and
tinted windows.  I believed it for a while.  I would write down every license plate number fitting that
description.  The pictures from the toll booth never came back with any vehicle fitting that description.
After time, after the driver of the other Mustang came around every year only on the anniversary and
Jason's birthday giving us a card and visiting with us, both my husband and I both believe he was
responsible.  We never said anything to him, but you know how you can just see guilt.  We saw it in him.

That was six years ago.  Sometimes it still feels like it's yesterday.  The pain is still there, we are just
learning to live with it.  I miss my Jason and his goofiness so much!

Child Loss / Test Picture
« on: February 23, 2007, 01:00:31 PM »
Finally!  After I don't know how many tries.  Not sure if I completely like the way it came out, but at least it's here.  I will now tell Jason's story on meet our children page.

Child Loss / Re: Tutorial - How to Use the Board Features
« on: February 23, 2007, 06:42:25 AM »
I am fairly new to this.  I would like to post a picture of my Jason so that it will show on every post.  Where can I find this photobucket?


Child Loss / Re: How do you make it?
« on: February 23, 2007, 06:07:53 AM »
I am so sorry for your loss.  My oldest son, Jason, was also killed in a car crash when he was 16.  That was 6 years ago and the pain is still there as I know it will always be there.  Some days aren't as bad as others.  I am not good with words, so if I say something offensive, I don't mean it.  We are on this terrible roller coaster.  The first few years were the toughest.  I thought the second year would get better, but it actually was worse.   I think that's because the reality actually hit.  I have another son (Bret) four years younger than Jason and my husband is a firefighter and works a 24 hour shift every third day.  Those nights would be very hard for me to sleep.  Bret would come and sleep in my room on those nights.   When he stopped, I still had a very hard time sleeping.  My doctor put me on Ambien which was a tremendous help.  I would fall asleep fast, sleep through the night and when I woke up, I wouldn't have that groggy feeling.  We all go through the stages at different times.  But, I feel like I go through them over and over and over again.  Every year I think I can prepare for his angel date (2/10/01), but every year it's the same.  The whole month of February is difficult for me.  Actually from August through March is a tough time of year.  Jason's birthday is August 30, then all the winter holidays come and I just wish they wouldn't.  But, I get through them.

We just learn to deal with the pain and take one day at a time.  You have lots of support here at this board.  Like Brenda indicated, don't be too hard on yourself and its okay to feel however you are feeling on any given day.  There are no rules for this greif.

Take care of yourself.  Hugs

Child Loss / Re: I don't want to do this again
« on: February 20, 2007, 08:38:20 AM »
Oh Barb, I am so sorry.  Losing one child is bad enough and there is only one thing worse, and that would be to lose a second.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Child Loss / Re: he missed her...
« on: February 15, 2007, 01:42:58 PM »
I'm so sorry about your daughter.  I think you will find this board helpful as we all understand eachother.    Don't be sorry about writing too much. Write as much and as often as you feel you need to.  It's good to talk and let our feelings out.

My son, Jason, died in a car crash 6 years ago at the age of 16.  He was a great kid and I constantly find myself asking "why?"  The good ones are always taken too soon.  It was a "freak" accident.  Although, I believe he was racing with another.  A "phanton" car kept moving into Jason's lane.  Jason beeped his horn, but the vehicle kept moving into his lane.  Jason's car hit some gravel in the shoulder which started his car in a clockwise spin.  His door caught the guardrail.  As the car continued sideways, it lifted the guardrail up and it finally snapped in 2. The point punctured the driver's side door, going through Jason and lifting him up and throwing him out.  Jason was wearing his seatbelt.  He was driving a Mustang convertable with the top down.  After he was thrown, an oncoming vehicle ran him over.  I think he was already dead at that point.  The investigator's said it was instantaneous.  There was another kid with him who didn't get a scratch on him.  We'll never know what really happened.  There was another car (Mustang) that was supposed to have been following him.  But, like I said, I believe they were racing.  Every year on Jason's birthday or the anniversary day, the driver of that other car would come by and he just seemed "guilty."  The passenger with Jason or any of the other kids around stuck with the "phantom" vehicle story. 

Wow, it's been a long time since I recapped those details.  Jason was so badly injured, they had to leave his body covered when we were able to "visit" with him before the funeral.  They were able to leave his big toe uncovered and that's all I got to touch.  I miss him terribly.  We have a scrap book with all his pictures in it and I look at that all the time.

Just take it one day and one minute at a time.  Feel what you need to feel.  Don't put a timeline on your grieving, cause there isn't one.  Know that you can come here whenever you need.


Child Loss / Re: Have never been here before cant do this alone
« on: February 15, 2007, 11:16:30 AM »
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter & grandson.  This is a very difficult journey we all are on.  My son, jason, died 6 years ago in a car crash when he was 16.  Although the pain never goes away, we eventually learn to live with it.  Just take one day/one moment at a time to get through it.  After 6 years, I am still taking anti-depressants and seeing a therapist.  It does help.

You have all the support you need right here.

Child Loss / Re: Been a Long Time
« on: February 15, 2007, 06:25:32 AM »
I want to thank you all for your support.  Yesterday was a bad day.  I came to work for an hour and just felt an overwhelming amount of emotion.  I went home, after a good cry, and took something to sleep and slept all day.  I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, but still thinking of my Jason.  My husband carries a picture of Jason & his girlfriend in his wallet.  The picture is faded and getting torn.  This morning I went and had copies made of the original that I am going to give to my husband.

Sometimes I just find it hard to think that life goes on for everyone else in a different way.  We all just want time to stop from the moment we lost our beloved children.

Bless you all!


Child Loss / Been a Long Time
« on: February 13, 2007, 06:54:40 AM »
Hi out there.  It has been a really long time since I have posted (5 years +).
This board has really changed.

I am feeling very depressed today and felt I needed to post here.  My son, Jason, was killed in a car crash 6 years ago February 10, 2001.  He was 16 years old.  I used to come to this board and think I have only posted once or twice, but I used to come and read all your posts and it used to make me feel depressed, so I stopped for a long time.

Jason's anniversary date came and went this year.  I thought about him a lot, but mostly I was able to have good thoughts about when he was alive and what a good person he was, and how he could make me laugh, and how much he enjoyed life.  I should have known better that eventually it would catch up with me.  I have been on anti-depressent (Wellbutrin) and have been seeing a therapist, which both I believe help tremendously.  I saw my therapist the day before his anniversary day and felt okay.  I should have made the appointment for a few days later.

I apologize for just rambling on.  I hate when it hits hard like this.  I can go for weeks and sometimes months feeling okay.  Sure, I think about him every day, but I have been learing to think of his memories.  The one bad memory of that aweful day try to creep in, and I fight so hard to push it away.  I can still remember everything.  The moment the doorbell rang at 1:30 AM and 2 FHP officers were at the door to break the news.  Sitting in the living room in my husband's arms, crying and crying.  The neighbors coming over to try and comfort us.  My family coming in from various cities.  My whole office attending the funeral service.  Sometimes, I just about break down just seeing some of their faces at work every day for the past 6 years.

This morning I woke up and just didn't want to be in this life.  I just want to crawl in hole and die.  I don't want to put on my good face for everyone else.

I have another son, Bret, who is now 18 and going to college, living at home.  He is a very quiet person (takes after his mom) and doesn't let his feelings out.  The other day, my husband came across something disturbing.  Bret has a page on Myspace.  My husband and I were curious and went into myspace and searched Bret.  We found his page and he has a blog called Jason.  It was written just before Christmas.  Bret talked about missing Jason and having his big brother to talk about girls, and what college is like and not being able to see him go through that.  How Bret is reminded as every one of those hurdles goes by for him.  He expressed how he thinks Jason was the smarter, nicer looking one and why it couldn't have been Bret to have died.  Bret has been seeing this girl who went to high school with him and is now in the same college.  Her brother was also killed in a car crash about a year after our son's accident. 
She's a very sweet girl and  I like her and think they are good for eachother. 

I am done rambling.  I am at work and should get something done.  Thank you all for being there.


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