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Messages - Alone83

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Parent Loss / Unsure
« on: March 08, 2011, 10:39:49 AM »
Hi, I am new to this site.

I lost my Mum 14 months ago. She was killed in an accident in the mountains whilst on holiday a few days after Christmas. She was 58, I was 26. To say my world fell apart is a total understatement, it was such an utter shock, she was so alive and was always the first person I turned to in every situation. She was my support system and by far my biggest source of comfort and love.

I'm finding it really difficult as I feel totally alone. All my friends still have both their parents, many still have grandparents, so I have nobody to talk to. People who have come forward to say they have been in similar situations all lost a parent who was ill first, most for many many months, they had a chance to say goodbye, to prepare themselves, to grieve, and to get things in order. The only person who can understand is my dad, who was married to my mum for 35 years and as in love with her when she died as on their wedding day, but we seem unable to talk to each other, we just pretend everything is normal, and I think this is how we get by each day. We have become a lot closer since but it's still not the same, at all.

My friends were very supportive at first, but now they act like everything is normal. Some people seem surprised to hear that I'm not 'over it' yet, which absolutely kills me to hear. If I'm honest I still feel totally in denial. I don't really feel different at all, most of the time I don't feel sad, and I haven't had any sort of break down or days of sobbing or anything like that. But I don't talk about her either, or the accident so I don't know if that has something to do with it. I don't know if this is normal, or what to expect next. And I don't feel like I can talk to anyone, I don't really think there's much point as I'm not crying all over the place. The only difference in my mood seems to be this veil of indifference I now have, I just don't care about anything at all any more. I can't see any sort of future, no marriage or babies or anything important. I just don't care anymore. I have had some issues with anxiety attacks and breathing, but I have noticed other people mention this so I assume it's not uncommon.

Really I'm just looking for people to tell me what to expect. I'm pretty sure I can't feel this numb forever, she deserved more than that.


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