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Messages - 4EVRdarrensSIS

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Sibling Loss / Re: I don't believe in heaven anymore
« on: April 18, 2007, 05:34:09 PM »
OH, LISA, I HAVE BEEN STANDING IN THOSE SAME SHOES FOR THE PAST FOUR AND A HALF's only just now that I have a different take.  I was so angry at God.  As a christian you are taught all of these things.....ask and you shall receive and God wants to give you the desires of your on and so forth.  Everything that I came to know as truth over the years I doubted.  I turned my back to did my father when my brother died of cancer.  My mom stayed close to him finding solace in that relationship.  i was just so pissed off.  all of the suffering that my brother went through....then after he passed i had to watch my parents suffer from the grief of it all.    we were a big church going family...always dad a sunday school teach, a deacon, had a prison ministry.  i never dreamed in a million years anything would happen like that to us!  it has almost been five years now and i'm just starting to see that God is God.....he can do whatever he wants....and all that I learned about before is still true.  However, what we aren't taught in church is that even though you ask for one thing....he's still going to do what he ultimately has planned to do.  we are taught the kind and loving and gracious side of God....not the side that allows things to happen for reasons beyond our measure.  i say all this to's ok to be mad at him....for however long you need to be.....i know b/c i have been there.  hang in there.  we don't know why he lets our loved ones suffer and prolong their living in pain for whatever reason.  i'm thinking of you.....and if you ever need to talk i'm here..........

P.S.  i'm not really good at putting into words what i really mean to i hope that this all made sense to you??!?!?   ((((((LISA)))))))

Sibling Loss / ~Virginia Tech~
« on: April 17, 2007, 04:36:51 PM »
As I layed in bed last night, I couldn't fall asleep.  I found myself thinking of all of the families whose lives had just been torn apart.  All those families that had to start completely over with a new chapter of their lives.  All of those families who were grieving their loss.  The long road ahead of them....the holiday's, birthday's, anniversaries, special occasions.......all the things that their loved ones would not be their to share.  It saddens me beyond think that all that those young adults and professors where doing was improving themselves by getting an education.  As hard of a time that I have had in losing my brother....I can't imagine having some kid shoot my loved one randomly.  I mean, cancer isn't something that anyone can control.......that kid had decisions to make.  I see the picture of that kid and just feel anger towards him...but at the same time I think about his family and wonder what in the heck they are going through at this point? 

I don't know.....all I know is that thirty something families are feeling the loss that we feel by some random act of violence.  My heart goes out to these families......please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.   ???

Sibling Loss / Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« on: April 11, 2007, 09:29:07 PM »
how cool is that......both our brothers loved the steelers!  how funny.  i said the same thing during the superbowl too......we were watching it with my parents and of course we were all thinking about darren and crying b/c he would have been so excited.   i always said he helped carry the ball for them!  and we all joked about how he had much better seats than we did!!  we are from PA originally so we are all steelers and penn state fans!   i feel like we have so much in common. 
definitely hit me up on myspace!  i feel like i'm the other 5 year old checking the little "yes" box!!!  HAHH HAHAA  to funny.   
very thankful you are here!  gotta go to bed...have a busy day tomorrow...have a great night!!! 

Sibling Loss / Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« on: April 11, 2007, 01:25:59 PM »
Lisa~  Bless your heart.  i'm sitting here reading your post and tears are just streaming down my face.  my family, like yours, was extremely close.  my brother got married in 2000 to the girl of his dreams.....i was never crazy about her.  she always seemed stuck up and spoiled...acted like she was better than us.  but i accepted her non-the-less...i didn't have to live with her every day.  the night he married her i sat outside on the curb sad is that?  the day we buried my brother, her mother came up to me and told me not to cry...tat we had to be strong for darren.   what the heck...excuse me but my brother never once saw me cry and we never talked about death....i think i can cry at his funeral.  that's just the way they were everything was a show.  his wife's true colored sure shined bright when it was at the end for him.  i just hate that he saw what kind of person she really was.  after he died we saw her once, i think, that i can remember.  then she cut all ties with us.  we reached out a couple of times and she never returned the phone calls or the letters.  almost a year later we moved out of state to start fresh.....and about nine months later i found out that she had gone through all of his stuff and didn't even tell us.  everyting....gone.  i just keep telling myself it was just stuff.  he doesn't need it where he is and i can't take it with me when i go!  i have a lot of hurt from her that i am trying to sort through....five years later.  i'm so thankful they didn't have any children.....we would have never seen them.  i'm so sorry that you guys have to go through all of that with emma.  i'm so glad your parents are fighting it.  that's just crap to treat people like that.  who do they think they are????

i admire your attitude about all you have been through.  how your john needed jay more than you guys do.....i'm still dealing with taking fair out of my vocabulary!  HA!  it's a bit difficult!!!!  i miss him so much every day.  during football season i go to pick up the phone to call him when the steelers or penn state is playing....then i stop and think...oh, yeah....can't.  i HATE THIS.  i hate that we have this pain in common, but yet so thankful that i have someone that can relate.  my husband is precious and tries to understand but until you have been through can't really help.    ok now...i'm the one writing the novel!  i could go on and on and tell you all about darren and how awesome he was.  Seriously though, thank you for your sweet comments....for telling me that you think he was lucky to have me....but the way i look at it is that i was blessed beyond measure to have him for almost 25 years.  as much as i miss him, if i could do it all over again....and if i got to choose my brother....knowing how it would all end....i would still pick him. 

Thank you again, Lisa...keep in touch!  and the invitation for talking goes both ways!!!!  (((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Sibling Loss / Re: A story I wanted to share.
« on: April 11, 2007, 01:04:23 PM »
lisa~  that is so great....i just have three words for your little nephew....I AM JEALOUS!   ;D  what i wouldn't give to see my brother that way....whole and healthy! 

Sibling Loss / HEAVEN
« on: April 10, 2007, 06:08:05 AM »
I found this poem not too long after my brother passed away.....just thought I'd share it


Think of~

Stepping on shore, and finding it Heaven!
Of taking hold of a hand, and finding it God's hand.
Of breathing a new air, and finding it celestial air.
Of felling invigorated, and finding it immortality.
Of passing from storm to tempest to an unbroken calm.
Of waking up, and finding it Home.

                                      Author Unknown

Child Loss / Re: Birthdays & Angel Days
« on: April 09, 2007, 10:08:50 PM »
Darren's Birthday~ September 9, 1972

Darren's Angel Day~ May 23, 2002

Sibling Loss / Re: Lost My Sister the pain is awful
« on: April 09, 2007, 03:44:19 PM »
Babs~  i'm so sorry to hear about your sister.  six's all so fresh, kinda like you are spaced out.  i don't remember much of the first three months after my brother died of 25 birthday was 9 days later and i just remember not caring about anything.  that was almost 5 years ago.  it will get easier.....the pain doesn't go away, i think we just learn to tolerate it  and accept the circumstances.  i am so sorry that you are going through this.  it's not fair.....nothing is fair about death.  i believe that darren is in heaven from the pain he lived in for years before he died.  i believe that he is whole and healthy and smiling and laughing and carrying on keeping everyone in stitches up there......i have to believe that one day we will be together again....."and with all my heart i'm sure, we're closer than we ever were.  i don't have to hear or see, i've got all the proof i need....there are more than angels watching over me....i believe".  take care of yourself and let yourself grieve......   ((((((hugs))))))

Sibling Loss / Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« on: April 09, 2007, 03:36:41 PM »
ljcs~  thanks for your comment.....i can't even imagine losing two brothers.....all i had was him and now it's like i'm an only child.  do you have any other siblings?  it's so true how looking at a picture can take you back to the exact moment it happened.  i miss my brother's laugh so much.....he was the only one that could put a smile on my face when i was pissed at the world.   i don't know if we should be thankful for the memories that we have or's great to think of him but it hurts so much. 
he was married but his wife cut all ties with us and he didn't have any children....THANK GOD....we would have never seen them.  i recently heard that she had gotten remarried and had the house up for sale.  tore me up....but that's a whole other story.....she's not worth the air i breathe.  anyways....thank you for your comment.  how did you lose your brothers???

Child Loss / Re: Happy First Heavenly Easter Russell Boy
« on: April 08, 2007, 09:42:02 PM »
Lisa....what you wrote is beautiful.  i loved what you said about looking forward to your time to come.  i too look forward to that.  i have so much to live for, yet if it where my time tomorrow i would be so excited to see my brother!  my heart will ache until the day comes that we are together again.  i hope you had some peace on this breath at a time.....we make it. 

Sibling Loss / Re: not sure how I will survive
« on: April 08, 2007, 11:24:19 AM »
Elizabeth.....hang in are right, there will never be joy like you once knew.  when my brother died of cancer at 29, 1/4 of me died right along with him.  all i ever knew was life with my brother and all of the sudden he's gone.  almost five years later it is still a struggle.  but i have found joy in areas of my life.  we just have to pick ourselves up....make ourselves get out of bed to honor them.  they wouldn't want us to waste away to nothing.  i live each day just hoping that i make him proud.  i find some peace with my though of him in heaven standing next to someone, pointing to me and saying....that's my sister....and i'm so proud of her.  One day at a time!  I hope you find some peace.......

Sibling Loss / Trying to have a Happy Easter
« on: April 08, 2007, 11:19:20 AM »

I don't know about anyone else....but this is an extremely hard time of year for me.  Five years ago we were, unknowingly, counting down the days until goodbye.  This is the time of year that Darren went downhill really fast.  Everybody says that it gets better with time.  I'm not so sure that is true.  For me it gets harder and harder.  I don't know if it is the truth of it all slapping me in the face.....the acknowledgment that he is gone and never coming back?  Another day added to the count of how long ago it was that we heard his voice, his laugh......another holiday without him.  Drives me up the wall.  My emotions are all over the place every day lately.   I put up a slide show on my myspace page to remember all the good times with him.  I don't want to live without his memory, but it's like putting salt on an open wound.  Tares my heart all up to see his face.   "Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part.......let's go back to the start....."
I hope that everyone has the best possible Easter that they can.  Make it through the best you can.....all we can do is take one second at a time, right? 
Happy Easter to all of you......

Recommended Grief Books / Re: 90 minutes in Heaven, by Don Piper
« on: March 29, 2007, 07:50:22 PM »
This book helped me heal.....helped me accept my brother's death a little more, knowing what he saw when he took his last breath......

Sibling Loss / Re: Lost my sister New
« on: March 29, 2007, 07:48:09 PM »
hi, gwen.  i am so sorry to hear about your sister.  i lost my brother to cancer.  on may 23rd it will be five years.....many days it feels like just yesterday.  he was only 29 and had his whole life ahead of him.  i miss him so much every day.  and like middle sis i don't cry every day but there are days....especially around this time of year....when he was in his final days.  your loss is so fresh, it's ok to cry every day.  it's good to let your emotions out.  in fact i don't think i stopped crying for several months.  i use to write a letter to him every night before i went to bed.  told him about my day and how much i miss him.  it helped me a lot.  i know in my heart that your parents were there with big smiles on their faces and arms open wide!  i know there were people their when darren took his last breath.  he was my only sibling and in a lot of ways i feel like an only child.  when my parents get older...i'm left to take care of them scares me.  my brother was the one person that could make me smile when i was really upset....he was, and still is, my hero.  he taught me so much about strength, courage, honor, meekness, humbleness, love.  all i know is even though they aren't here in person....they are forever in our hearts. 

p.s.  a read a book that helped me SO MUCH....the name of it is 90 Minutes in Heaven: A Death and Life Story by: Don Piper, Cecil Murphy....when you are ready you should pick it up.  tells about a minister who died in a car accident and was revived 90 minutes later......tells about what he experienced in those 90 minutes....i cried through the whole thing.....but it helped me.  it really helped me.  hang in there and just take one second at a time. 

Sibling Loss / Re: I lost my only sibling and brother
« on: January 20, 2007, 11:32:42 AM »
hi karen.  i'm shelley darren's sister.  i am so sorry to hear about your loss.  i too lost my only sibling- darren- at 29 also to cancer.  reading your blog was almost like hearing myself think!  my brother also suffered to much and fought as hard as he could.  though he did not fight for himself...i believe he fought for those that loved him b/c he knew how hard it would be for us that were left behind.  when you say he felt like a dream i about started understand.  my brother has been gone since may 23, 2002 and i feel like he just lived in a dream of mine.  that for 24 years of my life (almost 25 he died 9 days before my birthday) was a dream.  my whole life all i knew was life with my brother and suddenly that was all gone.  suddenly i was alone.  faced with growing old without him.  he will never meet my children.  i'll never be an aunt.  our children will never play together.  he won't be able to help me with the hard things that lay ahead with my parents as they age.  i'll have to burry them alone.  that scares me.  i don't like to think about those things simply b/c it is what it is.  i got married october 2005 and that about sent me into a nervous breakdown.  it's like reality just came up and slapped me in the face....HE'S GONE.  that whole dream thing...i totally relate.....i'm sorry that we relate but relieved that someone else feels the same way.  my dad will sometimes say that each day he lives is a day closer to seeing true.  another user on this sight by the name middle sis gave me this quote from a poem and it really is very i hope she doesn't mind that i pass it on....."To lose ones sibling is to lose ones self, for part of me is gone."  isn't that the truth.  part of us died right along with our brothers the day they passed awy.  we will never be the same.  we have to find some kind on normalcy in a world that makes no sense to us.  we have to begin to, in a way, recreate who we are.  i'm sorry about your father as well....but it's neat that he is now finally with his son.  after all these years.  of course it's easy for me to say that....i just hope that when the day comes that i have to deal with that i will be strong enough to believe that. 
anyways...i say all that just to say you are not alone.  thank you for your post and sharing tim with us.  you have helped me more than you know!  take care of yourself!  one day at a time is all we can do and just pray that we make them proud of us!
~shelley ~4evr darren's sis~

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