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Messages - ManyTears

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: January 16, 2011, 06:24:30 AM »
Angela
Hello and welcome.  I am so sorry you lost your husband.  My heart is with you, and you and your daughter are in my prayers.  You are so young.  I am glad you found this place, a place where you can talk about it when you need to. I find that having such a place calms me, sharing with others, hearing their heartbreak, knowing that I am not completely alone gives peace to my soul. 

Your inlaws are hurting too, losing their son.  Please don't add to your emotional roller coaster spending energy right now to heal them too, you need to work on you, take care of you and that precious 4 yr. old angel.  I pray they will find solace and recognize your pain and keep you close.  The blame thing is not good for any of you right now.  Not now, or ever.

Grace and peace unto you Angela
ManyTears

2
Grief not related to deaths / Re: The present
« on: January 15, 2011, 08:01:05 AM »
Sevenofwands
is that as in wands, pentacles, cups and swords?

I will take your advice and try desparately to live in the present. As I worry so about the future and cry so over the past.
And no, I have never really conciously breathed.  Puts the here and now sort of in your face I suppose.  And I believe the here and now is where I should be. 

ManyTears

3
Spouse, Partner Loss / A New Year
« on: January 15, 2011, 07:47:49 AM »
Hello everyone.  I am new here.  You can read about me in introductions. I lost father, mother and husband all inside of a 14 month time frame. 

I was wondering if there is any one out there that worries when a new year starts?

I get anxious about a new year, wondering, what will this one bring.  I used to look forward to new years, but now each season seems to bring it's own "triggers", it's own set of memories.  I lost Doug in March.  That is when I go into that place, you know that place where time stands still and you re-live it. It will be 5 years this spring.  And I have yet to see one without many tears.  It  is tough. 

I have the winter blues so bad it is hard not to embrace the coming spring season, I will be sooooooo glad to see winter go.  I hate winter, I need some sunshine!
ManyTears

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: heartbroken
« on: January 15, 2011, 07:20:41 AM »
Hello to everyone here.  Heartbroken, I pray your heart will mend. Take it one day at a time. One moment at a time if you need to.  You have found a wonderful thing here at Webhealing.  I am new to the site and already it has helped.

 It is a new year. Let us all pray it is full of hope and love, health and peace.

I get the winter blues.   Each season brings it's own set of memories. I lost Doug in the spring. Just before the world turns green. Having someone to share with calms my soul. Every tear you cry is caught and is turned into a star, so that when we look up into the night sky and see all those stars, we know we are not alone.

ManyTears

5
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: January 15, 2011, 06:57:47 AM »
Thank you Terry. It has been a long journey. It is good to be able to talk to someone that KNOWS what this feels like.  My father died with lung and liver cancer 12 days after he was diagnosed. It was thee most hardest thing I have ever watched,  to see my father a man I thought was invincable succumb and die so quickly. He was a big man, physically and spiritually.  He and my mother were married 57 years and they raised 6 children. Then my mother, she survived him only by a few months, she was my best friend. Mom also had lung cancer. After they passed, both in the only home I had known as a child,  my husband Doug and I bought a small farm 200 miles from that home place.  We had worked very hard for it, and were proud to achieve our dream.  We paid cash for it, Doug gave his company to the oldest boy and retired at 45. This was celebrated with us by so many people.

Less than 90 days after we bought and moved to our little farm, 8 months after my mother died, my hero, the love of my life, the man that loved and raised my boys as his own since they were babies, my 45 year old husband dropped over dead with a heart attack. He died in my arms. His heart just exploded. We were married 17 years. He was a veteran and at his service he was given full military honors.  I still can hear those 21 guns, I still can hear Taps on those bagpipes, I can still see the light leaving his eyes.  I knew not a soul in our new place, more than 3 hours from my children, grandchildren and brothers.  After his funeral I came back to this farm and how I survived here, completely alone is another story for another day.  A woman I met at the bank who shared the loss of her daughter with me, told me (and her words still ring in my ears), "they will stop wanting to hear you cry".  I recall thinking, no way, not my family.

My greatest challenge now is understanding why she was right. My two adult sons and my five brothers do not seem to want to know that I am still grieving, that I still mourn.  This, on top of the actual grief itself, hurts me deeply.  It has changed my relationship with my boys.  They told me a year ago they did not want to have memorial gatherings for him any more, that it was time to move on, time to stop mourning. That they did not want to get together and watch me cry again. What is that?  I absolutely flipped out, because these boys loved that man.  I believe that death alienates us in and of itself.  Now suddenly I cannot share this despair, this crushing emotion with anyone? That is why I am so thankful you are here.  It is like God finally sent an angel to listen, albeit through a computer screen.  Thank you God! He died March 22 and soon , as I have in years past, I will slip into that place, the place where time stands still , that place where you feel it all over again, and this year, I will be even more alone.  That is why I cry so . . .
ManyTears

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: January 14, 2011, 10:36:53 AM »
Hi Dave
I'm new too. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. I know what you mean about distractions, they do help a little. It sounds like your wife was very brave and courageous.  And I know it is hard to find that in yourself, especially now, so early.  Take things one day at a time, even moment by moment if needs be.  That depair you talked about, it is like a wave of the ocean that washes over you sometimes, try to let it come and while you are in it, know that just like an ocean wave it will subside. 

Know that many people, I am learning from this site, can truly understand and know what you are feeling.  Perhaps there really is strength in numbers.

ManyTears

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: January 14, 2011, 10:14:25 AM »
Hi.  I am new.  New to the site, but not new to grief. Inside of 14 months I lost my father, mother and husband. It has been almost 5 years since my hero died.  I have had such a difficult time finding solace, trying to heal, trying to live. Time seems to stand still. 
My son suggested finding an online support group, I am amazed at the compassion I see shared here. I was 43 when he passed, and wrote a song I titled Only Another Widow Knows.  You have made the words to that song so true. I want to say thank you for being here. I am too young to feel this old, some days are diamonds, most days are just plain stones. But I keep going. I carry a burden of so many unanswered questions, and often now no one seems to truly understand why I still cry. That is why I am here.  To introduce myself,
ManyTears

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