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Messages - Lastleafgreen

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Parent Loss / Re: Mom's Passing Anniversary
« on: January 15, 2019, 08:32:06 PM »
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that you found help here. As someone who is currently going through the prolonged death of my father I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear that things do get better. That even though the person you loved passes life continues on. That there are new memories and new happy times. I know that in my head. But hearing it from someone who has gone through that grief is incredibly comforting. Thank you.

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Parent Loss / Losing Dad by inches
« on: January 15, 2019, 08:26:12 PM »
I've been at the hospital for hours every day for eight days straight. It wears on you. What's wearing on me today is that we've had to make some serious decisions with our mom.

Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in April. We really thought he had a great chance to beat it. But one thing after another happened. Even up till Christmas we thought he just needed stronger chemo. He'd been complaining of belly pain for months but nothing was being done. Then after new year he declined rapidly. Mom took him to the emergency and they switched him to short care. He had a severe C-diff infection. Again, we thought antibiotics and he'd be home. Unfortunately the second day in short stay his bowl ruptured and he was taken in for emergency surgery. He survived, but was in SICU. We found out he was riddled with tumors that were under a centimeter and thus didn't show up on scans. Then he survived another surgery to close his stomach, but further chemo treatment was no longer possible. That was on Thursday night. It's been going on six days and he hasn't woken up.

When they try he doesn't follow commands or make eye contact. They've run a battery of tests and nothing seems wrong with his brain. I learned about ICU delirium today. I've learned a whole slew of medical terms in the last weeks.

Dad never, ever, wanted to be hooked up to a ventilator and in a coma for a long period of time. So for the past two days we've been discussing a Do not resuscitate order. That got put into effect last night. Today however, we had to start talking about when would be the right point to switch to comfort care instead of maintenance.

I try to focus on what my dad would want. I remind myself of all the things I am grateful for. That I always told him I loved him every time we talked. That I hugged him whenever we saw each other. That my mother, brother, sister, and I have become this phalanx of will and support for each other and him. He would be so proud of us. But it's still hard.

I find myself sometimes angry with him for not fighting harder. I wish I could will him into opening his eyes and recognizing the world again. But I know it's a selfish desire. My father is not going to see February. If he sees the end of the week it would be a minor miracle. I kind of hope he's already gone in spirit. Then maybe this whole stay in the hospital won't be something he takes with him. Maybe then when we're forced to make the decision to remove life support we'll just be putting a body to rest and not killing our dad.

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Parent Loss / Re: Introductions
« on: January 13, 2019, 09:20:55 PM »
Hi. So I've never done this before, but I know I need something. My father hasn't exactly passed yet, but he has colon cancer and came down with a C-diff infection that was only diagnosed this passed Tuesday. On Wednesday after everyone went home he had a perforated bowl and went into surgery. I remember that night he wasn't really coherent. But one of the last things he said, in response to my mom telling him that we kids were there, was that it was what he'd been waiting for. He wasn't stable enough to even close his stomach all the way until Friday morning. He's in surgical ICU on a ventilator and we were told chemo is no longer an option. So he's going to die. It's just a question of when and if he'll ever regain consciousness. He's only 65. I thought I'd have years. My mind tells me one thing but I'm just sad.

I have a million different thoughts running through my head. He was so worried about making sure our mother was taken care of. So I'm trying to be strong for her, and for my brother and sister. Some times I can remember all the wonderful things I had the chance to experience with him and be happy I had that chance. Other times I feel cheated. I didn't even know it was possible to feel physically ill with grief, but when the surgeon told us his prognosis I almost threw up and then passed out. I am not a person with a weak constitution either. It shocked me. I'd never felt anything like that.

So the long and short of it is help is help. I know that someday I will be able to remember my father with smiles and laughter. I will still wish he was here, but it will be duller. Right now I am just bouncing back and forth between the stages of grief I guess. I know this is kind of emotional internet throw up, but this seems like the place for it.

I've been talking to other people waiting on loved ones in the hospital and it's helped some. It put some things into perspective. I'm lucky. My brother, sister, mother and I have been to the hospital every day since Wednesday. I have family around me, so does my dad. Hopefully this will tighten our ties and even after the worst the rest of us will continue to function as a family even if we're missing a piece. I know my dad would want that. I just wanted to reach out somewhere. I think sometimes having people not involved but sympathetic can bring release? Relief? Just shooting in the dark. It can't hurt right?

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