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Messages - BLW

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Am I numb, in denial?
« on: November 01, 2018, 09:18:38 AM »
Dear Mousewife,
Thank you for responding to me.  I have found a lot of support and healing through this site.  I am very glad I stumbled upon it.  I am sorry to hear of your husband's passing. It definitely leaves a big hole in a person's life. It has been 4 months since Kenny's passing and it feels like yesterday.  I try to keep going, because I have to. 

I dread the holidays coming up.  Without Kenny is not going to be a happy time for me, but I will put on a smile and do what is expected of me.
How do you plan to deal with the holidays? Do you have family, kids?  I don't have any children of my own, but Kenny had a son that I consider mine. He has helped me out a lot in the past 4 months. My family doesn't live around me, so I am pretty much alone.  It really makes things hard not having a lot of people around. My sister is planning on staying with me the week of Christmas, so that will be nice.

It's funny how we find the strength to do things we never thought we would.  I don't know how I would've gotten through the months of taking care of Kenny except that God was with me and gave me what I needed.  I am trying to trust that He will bring me through this grief as well.

Take Care of yourself.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Almost 17 months
« on: November 01, 2018, 08:55:52 AM »

It was nice to hear from you again.  I look forward to getting on here and see if I have a reply because your words a very close to how I feel and I know you understand me. 

Today is the 4 month anniversary of Kenny's passing.  It's hard to believe it's been that long.  It feels like just yesterday.  As far as my grief progression, I have triggers now that will make me cry and a sharp pain goes through my heart of great loss.  I think of Kenny all the time and wonder what his life is like now.  I don't know your beliefs, but I believe Kenny is in Heaven and completely healed of any physical illness he had here.  I know he is happy because he always talked about going home.  I believe I will see him again, but it doesn't take the hurt away of being separated from him now.

I am not looking forward to the holidays this year.  My sister is coming to stay with me the week of Christmas.  Our wedding anniversary is Dec 28th and I think she was afraid of me being by myself for both Christmas and our Anniversary.  It's nice to know someone will be around.  I have been invited to other people's Thanksgiving Dinner, but I just don't think I want to be a loner at someone else's family gathering.  It made me cry when they asked me, cause it hit me again that Kenny is not here to be with me.  We always spent the day together alone, since I have no children or family that lives near me and his children are grown and have their own lives and family.

You asked if I journal. I started doing that some when Kenny was told he only had a short time to live. I still do it at times when I feel the need to get my feelings out and no one understands how I feel.  It has helped me, just to relieve me of a build up of feelings that needs to get out. I haven't had any more counseling because I think I am pretty normal and the way I feel seems to be natural from what I have been reading. 

I truly treasure hearing from you and what you are doing in your life. I'm so glad I found this site, it has helped me so much. I hope to hear from you again  Take Care !!

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Almost 17 months
« on: October 18, 2018, 11:52:51 AM »

Thanks for replying. You are the first one to do that. I'm relieved to know that you do some of the same things I do (talking out loud to our spouse).  Maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought. I had a session with a grief counselor and told him that I don't feel like I have grieved for Kenny and my Dad like I should. Like I don't sit around and cry. I mean sometimes it hits me when I hear a special song or see something I want to tell Kenny and I will feel the pain of his absence. But, I don't think about it all the time. The counselor said I have to make myself grieve in order to process it and be able to move on. So his recommendation was to plan a time in the week to get alone (that's not hard to do) and let myself fall apart for 30 minutes then get up and leave it there. Since life goes on, and we have things we have to do, we can't stay in that bad place all the time or we would go crazy and probably do something radical. I have done that one time. I went to his grave and listened to a song that meant a lot to both of us and I sat and cried for a while.  I just don't feel like it was of any help to me.

I have been going to our granddaughter's soccer games and I really miss him being there with me. I think about what all he is missing and how the children would like to see Papaw sitting there watching them. He loved them so much and wanted so much to see them grow up to see what they became or chose for their life. I try to be there for them to represent him and I both, but its not the same. The girls are 7 and 4 and my worst fear is that they won't remember what a Great Papaw they had. I think the oldest one will have good memories of him, since he babysat her the first year while her parents worked. I don't believe that bond will ever go away. The youngest I don't know how much she will remember. It's just sad to think about it.

I know what you mean when you say you are "fine."  I too, do the same thing. I think people just assume because you are going through the motions of everyday life that you are back to normal. I have tried to keep my sense of humor through all this, because that is one of my strong points. But just because I am laughing on the outside doesn't mean I'm not crushed on the inside and people just don't get that. My heart is half gone and I will never get it back, not on this Earth. How can you ever feel normal again when you have that happen to you?  Like you said, unless you have had to walk this road you just don't know how it feels or understand it.

Thank you for your insight into letting others help me. I never thought about it from their point of view. I just thought I would be bothering someone to have them do something for me. I will try to think about that the next time someone offers to help me.

Thanks again for responding to me...I hope you will continue to be strong and hold your head up high. Take care !!

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Almost 17 months
« on: October 04, 2018, 12:17:19 PM »
Hey Raven, I haven't been on here much and am considered new to this site, but I lost my husband 3 months ago to the dreaded cancer.  I have read more of your posts than any other for some reason. I am still in the beginning of this nightmare that is widowhood. It was comforting to see that you have progressed to where things are a bit closer to normal for you. Not that it will ever be the same again without your husband, but you are getting on with your "new" normal. That encourages me, knowing time does help this pain, sadness and loneliness that we all feel.  You said you miss talking to Jim, well, I talk to Kenny all the time. I will go through the house and talk to him like he was standing there. I guess I should be glad no one is there with me, because they would probably lock me up as being crazy. When I have something to tell him, I speak it out loud and I hope he hears me talking to him. It is comforting to me and helps me feel like he isn't absent from my life, even though I know he is. Coming home from work is probably the hardest for me. He was always waiting for me when I got home, since he was disabled and couldn't work, and I really miss him being there. His physical presence is missed more than anything and his wide array of knowledge on everything.

I feel lost when something needs done that he used to do with ease and I don't know how to do it. I can call on his son or friends to help, but I am not one to ask for help easily. I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I dread the winter coming. He would always take care of scraping the driveway so I could get to work or changing out the propane tanks when they were empty. I don't know how I will manage without him, and it makes me nervous about it getting colder weather.  It is hard being alone when you are not used to it.

I realize I have went on about things I miss Kenny "doing", but it's just part of missing the whole person. He wasn't just one thing to me, he was everything to me.

Anyway, Thank you Raven for your posts and being so open about your feelings.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Am I numb, in denial?
« on: September 17, 2018, 08:16:56 AM »
Hi. I lost my husband early July, 2018. We were together 20 years and he fought a good fight with cancer for 14 months.  My job allowed me to stay home and take care of him his last 3 months. For that I will be eternally grateful. As I was taking care of him, I pushed my feelings back, and just did what had to be done. Now that he is gone, I don't feel like I am dealing with things like I should.  I have always been able to talk about him without breaking down, like most people do who lose someone close to them.  I wonder if I am numb or in some kind of denial, or maybe since I pushed my feelings aside for so long, they just haven't resurfaced yet. I don't have the desire to go anywhere or do anything besides stay at home with my 2 dogs.  I did go back to work 1 week after he passed, so I do have connection with people there. I am starting grief counseling this week per my doctors recommendation since I lost my Dad 6 months before my husband.  Didn't get to mourn for him due to taking care of my husband. I do write in a journal what I feel occasionally. I read a lot of the posts already, and maybe I am more normal than I thought.  Everyone thinks I am so strong, they just don't understand it's a front I put on. I miss my best friend so much. I know this post is all over the place, but that is how my mind is now.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: September 13, 2018, 08:25:01 AM »
Hi, I just found this site and thought I would try it out. My husband graduated to Heaven a little over 2 months ago.  He fought lung cancer for 14 months, with the last 3 months of his life being taken care of by me.  I lost my Dad in Dec 2017 and then 6 months later lost my husband. I have pushed my feelings back so far away so I could just do what needed to be done, I'm afraid its all going to pop up someday and smack me through the face.  I went back to work 1 week after my husband's death and that has helped I believe.  Is it strange that I can talk about my husband and dad, just like its someone else's family and not show any emotion?  I do get lonely when I go home of an evening, but I have 2 dogs and that's been a huge help as well. I have found that songs will bring up memories and sometimes I cry but most of the time I don't. I haven't went through his belongings yet, just don't want to, I guess.  We didn't have children together, but he had some from a previous marriage. Two girls give me a hard time, but the son is great.  He helps me out when I need it and promised his dad to watch over me.  I guess my question I in denial, or numb?  I can't seem to figure out why I am not more emotional than I am.  I do take anti depression and anxiety medicine, but I didn't think that would make me not feel anything. There are times I don't want to be around people or talk to anyone and just stay at home and do nothing, like I don't want to be here anymore.  I guess my feelings are all over the place.  Anyone out there feel this way ????

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