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Messages - Caspercat

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: The Forums
« on: August 08, 2019, 12:57:39 PM »
Hi Tom,
I know I don't come on this site very often, but I am very thankful to have found it.  I happened upon it when I could not find a grief group running at the time in my area and was searching for some kind of advice, support, etc.  I still pop on once in a while and am very thankful it is here.  Hopefully you are able to continue in some way.  It is definitely a relief when you are looking for support and you come across a site like this.
Thank you!

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: How do I go on?
« on: August 08, 2019, 12:53:10 PM »
Hi Kathie,
I'm very sorry to read of your loss.  My husband passed away in December 2017 and it still hits me like a brick wall at times.  I know for me the first year I was in an endless fog.  I did manage to take part in a grief group where we went through a book called '8 Critical Questions'.  If you are able to, I would recommend looking into getting this book.  The author's name escapes me at this time. 

One thing I learned from attending the group was that it confirmed that I wasn't going crazy because I was forgetting things and breaking down at any time.  What I keep in mind when I start having a down period is that my husband would not have wanted to leave a legacy of depression and tears behind.  There will come a time when you can smile at all of the wonderful memories you made together.

Just remember to give yourself permission to grieve.  It is not your problem if someone cannot handle you crying when you need to, it is theirs.  Everyone's grief is different and someone who has not lost a partner really cannot understand what it is like.  Don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve because it is YOUR grief.

I wish you all the best on your grief journey, and remember to lean on the people around you when you need support.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Trying to communicats
« on: March 20, 2019, 04:44:16 AM »
I'm sorry you feel that way Dannyswife.  When I found this site after my husband passed away I found a lot of helpful information reading others' experiences.  I have just entered the second year since his passing and am finding I am just now starting to get my head out of the fog that I spent the past year in.  Know that you are not alone on your journey of grief.  Remember that you must give yourself permission to grieve and if others don't understand, it is not your problem, it is theirs.

I wish you all the best.  Don't give up looking for the support you need, it is out there, sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit for your situation.

Let all of your good times together fill your mind and remember that your loved one would not want to leave a legacy of sorrow and pain behind.

A friend in grief.......Caspercat

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Iím new here
« on: January 21, 2019, 09:15:11 AM »
Hi Jillian,
My husband passed away just over a year ago from cancer so I can empathize with you.  People try to be supportive, but unless a person has gone through losing a life partner they cannot possibly understand.  I found a spousal loss support group with a hospice in my city and they also have drop in sessions available when needed.  I would strongly recommend looking into such groups in your area.  If nothing else, talking to other people who have lost a spouse has reassured me that I am not going crazy.  There were various ages in the support groups, both men and women.  It really does help to talk about your partner and your life together.  When I am having a really rough day I remember all the good times we had together and I know that Claude would not want to have left a legacy of tears and heartache behind for me. 
I wish you much strength on your on-going journey.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: 5 months gone & Why are familys so false
« on: December 11, 2018, 06:21:21 AM »
Hi Paul,
I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious Mandy.  If a person has never been through the death of their spouse, they cannot possibly understand the pain.  In local grief groups I have attended one of the biggest points they tried to get across is that you must give yourself PERMISSION TO GRIEVE.  If someone around you (like in a grocery store) looks at you funny, turns the other way, or changes the subject when you are having a moment, it is their problem to deal with, not yours.  I too have family members that are very 'fake' and those are the ones that I avoid because they don't enhance my life.  Someone in one of my groups mentioned that there are grieving pins that one can wear so that others around you know what is up when you have a meltdown.  I had one close friend that when I told her the news of my husband's death she started to turn the conversation to be about her.  I promptly told her that I needed to say goodbye to her for now because I could not offer the support she was obviously looking for.  There may be a day when I look her up again, but now is not the time.  I hope you can find peace with your in-laws, or are able to surround yourself with people and/or support groups that can give you the caring and support you need at such a difficult time.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Almost 17 months
« on: December 10, 2018, 08:48:12 AM »
Hi Raven,
 One thing I learned from grief groups I have taken part in locally, is that we must give ourselves PERMISSION to grieve.  If someone else does not understand your sorrow or tears it is their problem, not yours.  It is 1 year this week for my husband's passing and it still hits me like I walked into a brick wall some days.  It happens when you least expect it and sometimes you don't even know what triggered it.  I think we all put expectations on ourselves about when the pain will ease and the grieving will stop, but the truth is it never goes away, we just learn how to live with it as a constant companion.  If we didn't love so strongly it wouldn't hurt as bad.  I give thanks every day (through my tears) that my husband chose me to share his life with; it just really stinks that our time together wasn't much longer.
Take care and know that you are not alone!

Spouse, Partner Loss / Almost 1 year
« on: December 04, 2018, 12:23:28 PM »
With the 1 year anniversary of my husband's death quickly approaching, I am finding the grief hitting me harder now.  When monumental dates (like the day we were told there is nothing more that can be done) come up, I find my grief burst uncontrollable.  It's like last year I was on auto-pilot doing what I needed to do, and this year I have the chance to mourn those days.  The past year has flown by and I feel like I missed most of it.  Is anyone else finding the same thing happening to them?

I still feel 'lost' most days and don't know how to combat that.  I have always been an organized person, but find that 'fog' seems to always be present.  Sometimes I have the TV on but a program will end and I don't even know what happened during it.  Concentrating any more is pretty difficult.  I have taken part in a couple local grief groups but found the anticipation of attending them each time created an anxiety that I have never had an issue with before.  So many different emotions I have never dealt with in the past.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: On a happier note for me
« on: June 20, 2018, 09:28:09 AM »
Hi Mark.  I hope all went well : )
All the best!

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Death of My Spouse
« on: June 20, 2018, 09:26:31 AM »
Thank you for your heartfelt message.  I too sleep with his pillow every night.  It's just so hard to not feel 'lost' most of the time.  I do take one day at a time and put one boot in front of the other.  Some days I have to consciously tell myself to do it.  It is definitely a different life now.

Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: March 26, 2018, 09:33:39 AM »
Sarnia, Ontario Canada here

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Death of My Spouse
« on: March 22, 2018, 09:11:24 AM »
Thank you for the welcome Terry.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Death of My Spouse
« on: March 22, 2018, 09:10:45 AM »
Hi Caspercat, sorry to hear about your husband. It's hard watching someone you love deteriorate. I know from caring for my disabled wife Gina the last 2 years she was with me and what my dad went trough before he passed in 2001. Even though you know the inevitable out come, you really are still unprepared. Those waves will hit you for a while. I still have my moments and Gina has now been gone a year. Keeping your self busy does help quite a bit. Make shure you are eating and taking care of yourself. You may also find it helpful to get a hobby. When Gina and I first met I played bass in the churches music ministry. Gina asked me why I didn't play lead and I explained I never had an electric 6 string nor ever took the time to learn. So she bought me a Fender Tele for Christmas 2014. I played it during Christmas break but to protect it while I was finishing rehabbing our home  She knew I always wanted one and told me it was time to learn. The guys I hired came back after the Christmas break so I had put it away until I finished our new office in the basement and had the room to set things up. Well in April 2015 she had surgery for her knee but while she was still recuperating in the hospital, the night before she was scheduled to leave she lost the use of her arm. So when we finally got her home I was also busy caring for her as well as continuing on the house. So time went on and March of last year she passed. I regretted that she didn't get to see the house complete or me play the guitar after I had put it up. So April of last year I couldn't get motivated to work on the house but I did dig out that guitar and signed up for classes. Other then a two to three month break for surgery on my back I've been taking care of the house and continuing to practice and relearn guitar. It has helped me quite a bit as there are times when I am playing it I sort of sense she stops in to listen and check on me.  So if you did any hobbies years ago now would be a good time to get back into them.

Thank you Mark.  I have in fact pulled out my 12 string guitar and have been working on some knitting projects.  It sure does help to keep the mind occupied in some way.  One day at a time.....

Spouse, Partner Loss / Death of My Spouse
« on: March 20, 2018, 09:36:07 AM »
Hello everyone.  I'm not sure where to start.  My 57 year old husband passed away on December 15, 2017 at home after a 7 month battle with cancer.  There haven't been any grief support groups running in my city so I've been trying to get through with reading about grief and trying to keep myself busy.  We were homebodies and spent all of our time together.  3 months after his death I still feel completely lost most days even though I am back to work full time.  Those waves of grief I have read about still hit me when I least expect it. Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to deal with this?

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