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Messages - johmac

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Main / I need some opinions
« on: February 24, 2016, 11:13:09 AM »
Yesterday I was at the dr just for results which were all fine.  I decided to tell her that I have had a loss recently (job) and it brought back the loss of my brother in law 2-1/2 years ago and my father's death when i was 13 and had not grieved. I have done a lot of work, on all three and the work on my father has brought me peace.  I had to really try and remember times when he was alive and have comfort knowing he loved me and I him. I also realized that a 13 year old can never grieve the way an adult can. I am using Life Lessons and On Grief and Grieving which for me are wonderful guideposts.

When I told the dr that i was grieving, she was somewhat harsh and said she is Buddhist and they grieve one year and then it is time to move on.  I'm sure she meant well but I cannot fathom that some people who have just lost a spouse could be expected to simply move on. She asked when my brother in law died and i said 2-1/2 years ago and asked how my sister was doing and I said, 'it takes time'. My sister has friends who have been widowed for years and still may struggle. She again said, one year is all you need and you should enjoy the birds and sunshine. We all agree on that at some level but grief gets you and does what it wants hoping you move through the stages.

I maintained my composure but got upset after I got home when I reflected on it. I do not think it is a dr's place to bring up her religious points of view and how we all die - excuse me but DAA. We are not flies or mosquitoes that flutter about randomly not making connections. We are emotional beings connected.  She told me not to grieve for long and said my eyes are bright and would be ok. All of a sudden I feel I have a time stamp. I'm not one to sit on a pity pot but my sister even said if she has trouble she will get counselling. The dr said she sees a lot of people and they grieve on and on. Most people do not willingly stay in grief if they don't have to.

There is a picture presumably of her daughter that is on the wall and her daughter appears about 8 years old.  God forbid but in my heart of hearts, if she ever were to lose that daughter, I cannot imagine that she would just blank out any birthdays, or the date of death or hopes she would have had as years go by.

I have just read posts here of recent widows and widowers and it seems normal to me that we may continuously grieve for a loved one.

I wanted her to write it on my file in the event of me needing counselling and she would have a heads up. Now I find I am not comfortable with the dr and her approach to loss and grief.

Any thoughts from anyone.

Grief not related to deaths / Just my story
« on: February 01, 2016, 07:00:32 AM »
I am going to try and explain why I may be where I'm at today. My father died when I was 13 of a sudden heart attack early in the morning. I witnessed all of it and just remember running down stairs and saying 'something's wrong with dad'. Within minutes he was gone. After his death, I remember many times, going to my sisters bedroom and putting on a sad record that made me cry. Though I know it was done as a protection, my mother would come in and stop the music. Either it was too sad for her to watch me so sad, or it just made her too sad.

I took this as being that my father didn't exist and he was gone and to be forgotten. I would never talk about him after that.  Losses came and went through the years and I grieved in a 'normal' way. My mother's death came within 6 months of being diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. That was brutal. I grieved through the illness and after her death. My brother in law died in October 2013 and he was like a brother to me. I really loved the guy. Grief was intense through his illness but subsided somewhat when I went back to work.

Back in 2005, I was let go from a company after 26 years. This loss was traumatic and it brought up my father's memory. I was seeing a therapist and told him what happened when I was young and he said, try and get the record you were listening to and cry as much as you want.  I could not get it but there was some grief over my father.

Since 2005, I have changed jobs 3 times through no fault of my own and they have brought grief but I moved on. I started a new job in 2013 which after 2 years brought a group layoff of 10 and counting people.  It started off as a good company but somehow got in the wrong hands of incompetent management - hence the company virtually shutting down. That was Oct. 28 2015. Since I'm turning 60 next week you begin to evaluate where life is going. I began a course as a Home Health Aid Worker and was/am enjoying it. I thought it will bring a new direction or maybe I can just do volunteer work. I have been busy doing early Spring cleaning and last Sunday had a really good day. Maybe the best day since being layed off. 

Monday afternoon, I finished reading a chapter in the bible and started to play bubbleshooter. In a nanosecond I was overcome with anger and unbelievable emotions out of nowhere. Now I am in grief up to the top of my head. You know, like you've been hit by a two ton truck and tsunami all at once.

I have been thinking that when my time comes I will see my brother in law and my mother to greet me since I was so close to them. I started thinking. Where is my father in this?  Why does he not have a place up front. So, now we have it all in my face.

Thank God for Life Lessons by David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler Ross. I've had that book for years and it is dog-eared, highlighted underlined, you name it. I found a paragraph that said when you are young and you lose a parent, you tend not to grieve and it will come back later in life as an adult when you are ready, no matter how long it takes. I have also read in the book that this happens where it comes out of the blue seemingly from nowhere.

On another note - Something happened on Saturday that has never happened before.  I got up thinking it was Friday and what I would do. When I turned on the tv I saw Sat and I thought it must be wrong, convinced it was Friday. I have read that this happens when in grief. Funny for the first time in my life, I don't wear a watch unless there is a reason. Maybe it's another gift from God that grief doesn't watch the clock.

Thanks for listening,
Blessings to everyone,

Grief not related to deaths / Re: near loss of husband
« on: February 01, 2016, 06:28:43 AM »
Hi Lisa,

As Terry said, it's hard to know what to say after reading that. You sound very brave and even though I would not minimize my own grief, I have not come close to what you have gone through. All I can give is support.


Child Loss / Re: Newbie
« on: February 01, 2016, 06:02:12 AM »
Hi LadyPanda,
I'm also a newbie here. Just want to give you lots of hugs - my sister lost a baby girl to SIDS many years ago. She did go on to have another baby boy who is thriving and healthy and well into his 30's with 3 children of his own.


Child Loss / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: February 01, 2016, 05:57:21 AM »
Hi - I'm Johan and I live in Montreal, Canada.  My tagline is johmac. I don't have any pictures for now but there are a few people who have died that I'd like to mention in order of their sad deaths.  My father aged 46, my niece 10 weeks, my mother 64 and most recently my brother in law aged 63.  I think Terry is a truly wonderful moderator.  I hope to get to know some of you, although it's a sad place to have to come, there are truly kind people.

Parent Loss / My father's death
« on: January 31, 2016, 12:53:43 PM »
Hi Everyone, I'm a Newbie to the forum, you all sound like nice people. I will share part of my story and will give the backstory another time since it might take a longer time to read.

Just want to share my story. My father died at 46 when I was 13, I will be 60 next week. Needless to say grief has reared through a different loss and I am once again confronted with my fatherís death.

Even though I was young, I had a good relationship with him and the night before he died (of a heart attack) I remember sitting on his knee.  Fast forward to now.  I realized that my grief was never properly addressed and this morning, I was aware that I only had a small picture of my mother on display.  This triggered me to have one of my father also. I started to print one and thought it was going to be about  4 x 6. I could feel the pain inside me just printing it and that it may bring forward unexpected emotions. Next thing I see is a full page size picture, which brought all his face close up. I really just wanted a small picture like my mumís but since it was now printed, I stuck it on a computer monitor.  Of course, my tears flowed and I wrote a letter to him about my love for him, etc.

I went for a walk with the dog and when I came back, the roller coaster ride began again. I started getting angry. I thought, this is too much but did some exercise and next thing I am telling him Iím so angry at him for leaving my mother with 4 teenagers and what a tough life my mother had after he left. Time makes no difference to grief. It visits when it wants and stays as long as it wants. I will say there was a sense of peace when I walked the dog since I have acknowledged his presence once more but itís like inviting a stranger back from so long ago and the emotions are strange and difficult to comprehend.


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