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Messages - FunctionalForm

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Hi Amy,

Thank you for sharing your story. While I'm not in the same situation as yourself, I can partially relate as we're close in age--and I recently lost my mother. She was my best friend as well.

I'm here if you ever need to talk.

Take care,


Parent Loss / Re: Introductions
« on: September 25, 2015, 11:09:37 AM »
Good afternoon, everyone.

My name is Jennifer, and I'm new member of this group; I found the forum while searching for resources for only children dealing with the recent death of a parent.

My mother passed away on September 1st, 2015 of  heart attack. She was 72. Despite several resuscitation attempts at home, she was unable to be revived. Given that she wished to be cremated, my father arrived at my office to drive me to view her body and pay final respect.

I've been able to make some progress in coming to terms with life events my mother won't see. I'm 36, unmarried--and although I told her when I was a teen that I had no desire to have children, I would have liked her to see my obtain a second master's degree, and start my own business. She likely would've been interested in whomever's going to become my husband--assuming I just don't become the "old lady with fast cars and multiple yapping dogs."  But unfortunately, I've been having difficulty in coping with basically everything else surrounding her death. This mostly stems from my feeling emotions on the complete opposite ends of every possible spectrum. I'm somewhat glad that she has moved on to a place where she won't be in so much pain (as she was bed-ridden for the final weeks), but I feel remorse that she didn't reveal exactly how much pain she was in due to not wanting me to worry.

I question my father's claim to that explanation, however, as well as a lot of other aspects of her passing, as my relationship with my father was non-existent at best...and mostly toxic at normal. My mother didn't fare much better with him than I did, and she developed several coping mechanisms to deal with his continual latent emotional abuse. While I was more adamant about their separating when her health was somewhat better, after she reached a certain age I could tell that she was no longer interested in doing so.

Which would be normal in and of itself, except that 1) she was a rape survivor (an issue which went largely unresolved and untreated for psychological and emotional healing), and 2) she was actively physically abused by my father. I used the terms active and latent in reference to my dad's abuse because when I was younger, it was more intentional (physically and emotionally) toward a desired effect...but as the years progressed the emotional became so commonplace and almost institutionalized within the relationship that I believe my mother just acclimated to it.

After years of checking in on my mother's safety, attempting to convince her to leave, offering to have her move in with me, etc., etc....part of me is legitimately happy that she is freed of the burden of my father. I do believe that they still loved each other. But I also know that she was just exhausted from it all.

It's complicated, I suppose.

Her passing has left several major lingering questions about her life, and my life, almost completely unresolved as my father is a liar whom I've caught in multiple indiscretions--from infidelity to stealing money from my mother, to covering up his interactions with her which he knew would cause me to escalate my reactions to the authorities.

So while theoretically, an only child experiencing the death of one parent would be able to find some comfort in bonding with the remaining parent? Being anywhere near my father is an immense struggle for me. I call him on a daily basis to ensure he's well enough (as while I won't forget what he's done, I can somewhat see how he's at least convinced himself that he's sorry for his past), but limit my exposure to him. As we've had several horrible arguments already regarding his inability to communicate with me on a rational basis (he was more of a wallet to me as a child than a parent, was a workaholic and a womanizer who was rarely home...and he now has almost no idea of how or what to do with me), and how we don't have mom anymore to be an intermediary. And there's the whole "I saw you beating the crap out of the woman who stayed in the marriage largely because of my existence" thing. That's not exactly the perfect backdrop for having a cup of coffee and remembering the good times with mom.

Oh, and I got into a car crash three days after mom passed. No injuries, no tickets issued, my car repairs should be done in early October.

Basically I'm experiencing every possible emotion I could have imagined I never would have experienced. And I'm going through this largely by myself. I don't want to, and I don't think it's healthy or an efficient (as much as can be expected) healing process. But whenever I attempt to explain how my mom's passing goes so far beyond a "normal" passing of a parent...I just become either dejected or exasperated at the "...are you serious?" commentary. Yes, I'm sure Quentin Tarantino has enough fodder in my family's history to create a blockbuster film...but right now I'm just trying to not fall completely apart.

On a bright note, my usual insomnia has been replaced by fitful sleep combined with absolutely horrific lucid nightmares. The sort where I have a hard time speaking after I'm awake. Usually I attempt to awaken myself from them, but figured I may as well let them play out , as it may be a part of my healing process?

It's complicated, I suppose.

Thank you for reading.

Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: September 19, 2015, 11:04:09 AM »
First--sdaniels, Covington is a very nice town, and the residents were quite friendly and warm to me when I last drove through.

Hello, everyone! :) I'm a new member here, and I'm from Chicago, Illinois, USA.

Hope everyone is having  great weekend.

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