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Messages - Sally1950

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Grief not related to deaths / Re: grief over spouse's disability
« on: November 14, 2014, 09:44:36 AM »
just ordered a bunch of stuff on line, things to help turn on lamps, big handle for recliner chair, etc. he is trying to draw again! got him a different kind of wood burner and he can use it to draw on wood. I hope this all works.

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Parent Loss / Re: mother in law like a real mother
« on: November 14, 2014, 09:40:40 AM »
have been avoiding all social media, don't know why. finding it hard to get back to 'normal'. re-purposed Adele's rooms. made myself a place to sew and do crafts. have no one to talk to. my husband's idea of quality time is us sitting together not talking and watching something or just reading.  2weeks after Adele died, my friend Brenda died. then 2 weeks later my friend Cathy died. then I found out I need surgery, again. sometimes I have so much physical and psychic pain I don't want to wake up in the morning.

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Parent Loss / Re: mother in law like a real mother
« on: September 12, 2014, 10:07:38 AM »
this is the first day I have been back to this site since Adele died. I feel so guilty going through her things. I feel bad giving away her stuff or worse! throwing something away. I found her favorite scissors that she had lost inside her couch and it make me cry. my grief is different than it was for my daughter. with Heather I went into shock and don't remmeber 2 0r 3 months after her death. this time I expected it and meant to be with her like she wanted, but I went to sleep. everything makes me feel guilty because I let her down. my husband (her son) seems to be coping better than me, except he doesn't want to talk about it

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Parent Loss / mother in law like a real mother
« on: August 21, 2014, 12:26:00 PM »
my mother-in-law was my mother for 44 years. my 'real' mother had me for 19 years and never missed an opportunity to tell me she didn't want me or like me. my mother-in-law Adele was there for me when I needed a parent and when she became widowed I asked her to move in with us. we had 7 years together and they were great. then in January she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer that had already spread to her liver and the doctor said she had only 2 months to live. well, she lived until August, but the past 6 months have been very hard and the 5 days before she died was the worse. she was embarrased that she was incontinent. she hated that she could not walk without help. and she had pain and suffered. I nursed her at night and my daughter cared for her during the day. on the 6th at 2:30 am she moaned and I held her hand and washed her face. I was falling asleep, so I moved to a chair and fell asleep. my husband woke me at 6:30 and said she was gone.
I feel really bad that she was alone when she died. she was unconscious for 2 days, but still she stopped moaning when I held her hand or touched her face. I left her alone. her hand and face were already getting cold. why are living people warm and dead people cold? what is it about the human spirit that causes heat? when the spirit leaves the biological chemical reactions that produces heat stops. why? the same thing happened when my daughter died. she became cold.

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Main / Re: Anticipatory Grief
« on: August 20, 2014, 01:17:09 PM »
my anticipation is over. I had the second worst week of my life. she was going downhill very gradually, the hospice nurses said maybe in a month or so, but then all of a sudden she couldn't walk, then couldn't stand, then couldn't swallow even water, then couldn't talk and on the fifth day she passed in her sleep. she suffered. she had pain. she couldn't talk, only moan. I held her hand and her head. now there is a huge void in my life. I don't know how everyone else can act like everything is normal when my life is empty

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Main / don't know what to do
« on: July 07, 2014, 02:01:35 PM »
I am on antidepressants and need anti anxiety drugs too but the side effects are too bad so I can't have them. my doctor says I am experiencing PTSD and reliving watching my daughter slowly die as I watch my mother-in-law slowly waste away. i have nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks. I work full time and have to do most of the stuff around the house too because my husband is disabled. she has already lived 4 months longer than they predicted. every night when she goes to bed she says goodbye in case she doesn't wake up in the morning. I lay in bed and can't stop my brain from thinking about her, will it be tonight? will she call for me and I won't hear her? will she be frightened if she is alone? she has lost so much weight and is so thin. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. I fix her any food she wants, buy her anything she wants but she is unable to eat it. my dog was attacked by an animal last night and although he is alright, all night I lay awake thinking that I will lose him too. he was the only living being in my life that was not sick, dying, unemployed, addicted, etc. the only one I could get comfort from. every one wants me to care for them and I can't take it anymore

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Parent Loss / Re: Scared and confused
« on: June 12, 2014, 09:36:14 AM »
my adult daughter filled out all the papers preventing any kind of life support, but when she stopped breathing I was desperate for them to do something. I felt I should have prevented her from signing those forms. but that was what she wanted. she was never going to get better, she was suffering and wanted it to end. I still feel bad even though intellectually I understand it was what she wanted, but in my heart I did not want her to die. I understand how you feel. the heart doesn't always understands what the brain decides.

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Parent Loss / Re: How is everyone doing?
« on: June 12, 2014, 09:32:11 AM »
haven't been on in a long time. I have too much to do and not enough time. everyday my husband and mother are able to do less, so I have to pick up the slack and do stuff in the evenings after work. sometimes I can't sleep and can do quiet things in the middle of the night.
my mother (actually mother-in-law) was told in January she would die in 2 months. she didn't, but is fading fast. she has lost about 60 pounds because she can't eat. she won't take the pain meds or use the oxygen. I watched my daughter slowly die of cancer and now I'm watching mom. I'm helpless to do anything about it. I buy her anything she wants, but she still can't eat more than a few bites.

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this poem is so on the mark. I feel bad because i think more of the daughter who is gone than the one who is still here on holidays. after 7 years I thought I would cope better, but this year was just as bad.

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Main / Re: too much
« on: April 17, 2014, 12:18:18 PM »
thanks Terry and Mousewife. just being able to type it out gave me some relief! hospice comes and helps with my mother-in-law because she is incontinent and can't bathe herself. she doesn't want us to do it for her.
my husband refuses to even discuss that he might have depression. I know I do and im taking meds for it. can't find a counselor though, none in my city work after 5 pm and I need to save my time off for my family and my own illnesses. it's only April and I've used too much already.
my mother-in-law is weak and tired. at 90 she was an active senior, drove to church, was on the internet and volunteered. she made numerous items by knitting and crocheting and gave them away to chariites all over town.
to see her at 91 unable to do anything is heartbreaking. she has visitors, sometimes more than she can handle and we tell people to come over another time.
I feel selfish because I'm upset that I have to watch another loved one slowly die.

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Grief not related to deaths / Re: grief over spouse's disability
« on: April 10, 2014, 07:28:26 AM »
thanks for the ideas. I went to look for replacement knobs, but they all were the same size. I'm going to glue some popsickle sticks and see if that is easier to turn. I remember toothpaste in a pump, haven't noticed it lately, will look next time I shop.
he has a small pair of pliers that he uses for lots of things. also 3 different tools to open things, but none work on really small things.  he can't grip the pliers properly to use on the lamps, they are too small. by the time he gets them on the knob properly, his hand goes to sleep and he drops them.

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Main / too much
« on: April 10, 2014, 07:19:18 AM »
I am just numb, beyond tears. I'm still recovering from my daughter's death, I'm anticipating my beloved mother-in-law's death any day now, my other daughter is still recovering from surgery and lost her job last week (she lives hundreds of miles away and I'm worried), my arthritis has taken a turn for the worst, I'm upset that my husband's disability is getting worse and making him depressed, I'm worried about being able to fix our bathroom floor, then my little dog, the only healthy one in my life, blew out his ACL (tendon?) in his knee and had to have surgery to reattach the lower leg to the upper leg so he can walk. the tax refund is gone. the savings are gone.
it is too much for one person. I am everyone's caregiver. the stress from home is aggrivated by stress at work. I have no free time to decompress.

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Child Loss / Re: So I'm wondering
« on: April 04, 2014, 09:19:52 AM »
I too, don't want to care for myself. I am disappointed every morning that I woke up. I wouldn't hurt myself purposely, but the stress of my life and multiple griefs make me want to go to sleep and never wake up to the pain again. it seems that as soon as I am recovering somewhat from a loss, I get another one. I don't have many in my family left, I hope I go before them.

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Child Loss / Re: Signs from our Precious Children
« on: April 04, 2014, 09:15:08 AM »
I used to dream about my kids all the time, but after my daughter died the dreams stopped. I pray, I meditate, I stay open and ask her to send me a sign, but nothing. 7 years after her death I started dreaming about my other child again, so I hope maybe I will dream about my daughter soon. I have no grave to visit. her husband had her cremated and kept the ashes, so sometimes I go to a cancer awareness garden in a local park and talk to her there. she used to call me everyday, no matter where she lived. just a short call usually. I miss that communication.

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Grief not related to deaths / Re: grief over spouse's disability
« on: April 04, 2014, 09:07:40 AM »
I have to find a way to convert our lamps that have little wheels/knobs for on/off. maybe gluing something larger to them would help. he can't turn the lamps on anymore. also toothpaste caps have become a problem. I try to anticipate his needs and buy him various tools to help him, but I can't find any tool that is small enough for a lamp or toothpaste cap.

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