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Messages - amyluvsron

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: August Angel Dates & Birthdays
« on: August 04, 2011, 12:20:26 AM »
It's been awhile since I've been here. Went through a few months of therapy and doing a bit better than I was, but still have bad days.
Been thinking a lot bot my brother and Ron. My brothers angel date was 7/24 and Ron's is coming up 8/7. I've been feeling down in the dumps and just wanna be alone and sulk. I'm still carry a bit of guilt over my brothers death that I thought I was passed, and I'm doing the same with Ron's.
I keep thinking, "What if?" I just can't help it! I keep asking myself, "Why?" also. Why didn't I go to the hospital when Ron called?, why didn't I go and tell him I love him? Why didn't I have him go to the hospital sooner? Would he still be here? Would we still be together?
I still haven't found a FT job, partly because I really don't care to and partly because there is not a lot out there in my area. I am however working PT a few days a week. It's ok work, some days I enjoy it, others I get annoyed easily. I've been feeling that way quite a bit lately, getting irritated very easily.
 
I'm missing Ron so much, still. I miss him everyday and just wish I could wake up and find it all to be bad dream

Today is my birthday and I should be happy, but instead the only wish I have I can't have.  :'(

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Main / Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« on: October 24, 2010, 01:15:56 PM »
Penny,

I know what you mean about the not responding. I stopped for sometime because I haven't been getting responses either, even after I posted an introduction as I was instructed.

I can't say I know how you feel when it comes to loosing a child since I have never had any, but I did just loose the love of my life less than 3 months ago. Today would've been his 44th Birthday, and I had so many plans for us for today. I'm also disappointed because friends of mine and his let me down today. We were all supposed to go to his grave site, but our friend decided he's too tired now. I don't drive, so it's frustrating relying on others.

I feel the same in the aspect of loosing my man. He was taken way too soon and I'm angry about that. All I want is to be able to turn back time, or wake up from this awful nightmare and find him next to me, holding me, smiling at me and hearing his voice again. I miss him so much!

I've recently started going to therapy and I'm hoping it helps. I do have a few understanding friends, alot say I'm making it worse on myself by dwelling on it. I can't just move on yet. 3 months really isn't that long and it angers me when people try to tell me how I should feel. They don't know!!! They still have their family, their husband, their lover! I don't!!!

Everyone here, I wish you peace, as I search for it myself. In time , I hope that we can all find it.

Amy

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Main / Re: Ron would've been 44
« on: September 25, 2010, 06:12:43 AM »
Thanks, what really stinks is I didn't have a chance to get to know him really well. I mean I knew the kind of man he was and some of his interest and likes, but I don't know his history, not much of it. He didn't speak much about his past. I never got to meet his family. I did meet some of his friends though and I'm learning a few things from them, some not so good tho. I envy those that had years, I only had a few months. I miss him all the time and cry everyday.

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Main / Re: Something strange and wonderful...
« on: September 25, 2010, 06:06:38 AM »
You and me both, with Ron that is.

It's weird, the day Ron died I dreamt I was in the hospital by his bed begging him to hold on. I wish I had really been there and I wonder if he heard me. I also keep asking Ron to come to me. He only has once to tell me he was ok. I still have so many questions I want to ask him, and I just want to see him again, other than a picture, and to hear his voice and to touch him again. I miss him so much!

Best wishes to you too!

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Main / Re: Which would be worse?
« on: September 25, 2010, 05:48:30 AM »
We if you loved so deeply and lost that person, wouldn't that leave to die alone?

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Main / Re: Chat Room is Open
« on: September 23, 2010, 07:59:27 PM »
I'm in chat if anyone wants to join me.

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Main / Ron would've been 44
« on: September 23, 2010, 07:47:59 PM »
Ron like collecting dragons and mystical creature figurines. We were in a store at the mall around mid June and he said he wanted that for his birthday as he pointed to one. I was planning on getting one for him and having a little intimate dinner and desert for him at my place. I don't know if I still will even though he is no longer earth bound. I haven't gone to his grave yet. I was thinking of asking his friend to take me. Guess we'll see.

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Main / What brought me here?
« on: September 23, 2010, 07:38:36 PM »
Hi, I'm Amy and I just recently lost the man I loved a few weeks ago.

We met while taking the bus to work, separate jobs. He worked as a landscaper. We spoke a lot about various things. Usually it was me doing the talking, he didn't mind. I hadn't seen him on the bus in awhile and had moved closer to work. So, I hadn't been taking the bus since my work was so close I could walk there.
 
I had moved to my new place in early March, and one beautiful, sunny day in late May I happened to be walking to work, as I usually did, and walking towards me there he was. I was taken by surprise when he stopped me to talk, he wanted me to join him for coffee. I was running late for work though and couldn't, he asked for my number and said he would call me. I didn't expect him to though, he didn't seem interested when we had spoken on the bus.

I was wrong, the next day, early evening, I was out doing some grocery shopping when he had called me. I had missed his call, but he left a message. "Hi Amy, it's Ron, call me back." So I did, immediately. He had a friend drop him off at the grocery store and he helped me carry my groceries home. When we got back to my place we sat and talked. When he announced he had to leave, he tried to kiss me, but I didn't want him to think I was easy, so I turned my head and just hugged him. I believe we had discussed him coming over the next evening, and he did. We talked some more and watched some TV. He was sitting on one couch and I was laying on the other just chillin', watchin TV when he gets up and walks over to me, leans down and just kisses me. I was taken by surprise, but I liked it. He was like "I'm gonna lay down" and I was like "OK?" He wanted me to join him. I was nervous, but I did. He said he just wanted to lay with me, yeah right! I knew what his intentions were, and though a part of me was nervous and scared, I wanted it too. Now mind you, I hadn't been in a relationship or dated anyone in years. I had just had surgery for fibroid tumors a little more than a year ago and hadn't had a physical relationship with anyone for a little over 3 years. It was always painful before and after and I was so scared it would hurt. So, I went in to lay with him, telling myself at first that nothing is gonna happen. He starts kissing me and I'm liking it, then he starts touching me and I had stopped him for a moment, I had to explain to him why I was so nervous and scared. He was understanding and caring, and I just couldn't help myself. It did hurt a little, as I expected. He left a little later and I had never expected to hear from him again, but I did. We started spending a lot of time together. Only after 3 days he was talking about moving in together and I got scared and put on the brakes. He needed to get out of where he lived and I agreed he could stay for 2 weeks, I helped him find his new place. While he was staying with me, things were great! When he had left for his own place, I wish he hadn't. I was falling in love with him, so quickly. He had then flipped the switch with me and began telling me that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. He had been married previously for 11 years and only divorced for 2 years. The marriage was not good, but he had to deal with her still because they had a son together. At one point he even broke up with me, but that didn't last because he just couldn't stay away from me. He would say one thing, but he was always with me. He practically spent every night with me even though he had his own place. He'd come over after work, we'd make dinner, sit and watch TV or play games online. We were so comfortable with each other, I felt for the first time I could be myself and it felt good. We had this playful banter with each other that was goofy and cute at the same time.

The last time we were together was my birthday, Wednesday, August 4th. He had said he wanted to do something for me but hadn't had the funds to do so at that time, but when he got paid he was goin to take me out. He had spent the night before and we had woken early in the morning to prepare for work. We both wound up going in late because he was giving me a good birthday present. :) The only reason I mention this is because we hadn't been intimate for days before because he hadn't been feeling well, he had been feeling dizzy at times and tired and had even been vomiting. I had had a really bad day at work and was in a fowl mood, but after work Ron did his best to make my birthday nice. We had taken a shower together and he had brushed my hair afterwards, I loved when he did that. He had brought over a pie left over from his boss/friends party we had gone to over the weekend. He made me dinner that night and we sat in bed talking and eating that pie. He had complained that his chest was hurting and we discussed him seeing a doctor soon.

The next morning, Thursday, August 5th, we both left the house to go to work, that was the last time I saw him. :'(  He had called me about 5pm and I text him back advising I had just been fired from work and would call him later. I was still at work and needed to collect my things, but we (HR and I) wanted to wait until everyone left. When I got home I called him and he was very sympathetic, he said he hadn't gone to the doctor yet, but his chest was still hurting and he was just going to stay home that night. He had called me later in the evening to check on me to see how I was and he said goodnight.

The next day, this would be Friday, August 6th around 11am he called me to say his boss/friend took him to the hospital because he was having pain in his chest and numbness in his arm. He said he would be Ok and he would call me later. That was the last time I spoke to him. :'( So, I waited by the phone, and waited, and text, and no response. I called his friend and they didn't know anything. I don't believe I slept much that night and when I did, I dreamt I was in the hospital begging him to hold on.

Saturday morning, August 7th a friend of his called to tell me he was dead. I was like "are you sure? how do you know this?" She called me back and told me a family member called a friend of his and hers and told him. I then called his boss/friend's wife and his boss had his sister who works at the hospital check and confirm the news. I freaked out! I couldn't believe he was gone, I still can't believe it.

I keep thinking about the what if's? What if I had made him go the hospital that night of my birthday? What if I had given him some of my BP meds? Would he still be here with me? What if I had gone to the hospital? Did he want me there? Is that why he called me? I should have gone. But then, when I tried to call the hospital they wouldn't tell me anything because I wasn't family, I was only the girlfriend.  I probably wouldn't have been able to see him anyway, or would I have? Would the family have allowed me too? I don't know, they didn't know me. Ron and I weren't together that long, but I loved him and I still and always will. I miss him so much it hurts. I don't have much left of him. A few little things, like a shirt he left, a few pics I had taken, and a voice mail. Well, and my memories, which I will hold on to forever.

As I write this tears stream from my face because I miss him so much! I can't seem to move on, it's just to soon. Though some friends try to discount our relationship because we weren't together long. Like a person can't fall in love that quickly? It makes me so mad! Like I should just be over it already. I just can't let go, I loved him so much and miss him everyday! I can't sleep at night and don't eat sometimes. I find myself wishing and praying to be taken so I can be with him and all those who have been taken from me.

I don't deal with death well. I lost a brother to suicide 4 yrs ago and that devastated me, took me a long time to come to terms with it. I then lost another brother to an aneurysm Father's Day 2008, and my father to heart failure 3 months later 9/28/08.

My friends say I've had a lot to deal with in the past 4 years, which is so true. I'm doubting my beliefs and whether there really is a heaven. Will Ron and the others be waiting for me? I also been asking why does this keep happening to me? What did I do so wrong for this to keep happening? Why is everyone I love so dearly being taken from me? WHY!!!?  Ron used to always say to me whenever I would get upset or down, "You're stronger than that." Sometimes I wonder, am I? I don't want to be anymore. I'm just so tired of hurting.

I promised my sister and the few friends I have I wouldn't take my life, though I came close the night of Ron's funeral. I came back to the empty house with my sister and completely lost it. I should have been taken to a mental facility, but wasn't. I could hear Ron saying, "You're stronger than that!" and I yelled out "No, I'm not! I can't do this!" and he said, "Yes, you are!" and still I felt I couldn't, but then I realized my sister was there and I couldn't do that to her. I had to leave the house that night and stayed with friends for a few days. I'm still having trouble coping from day to day. I cry all the time, miss him all the time. I just want to be with him again! I pray everyday to be taken, one day, hopefully sooner than later we will reunited, hopefully? If there really is a heaven.

Sorry this is so long, I tend to ramble at times.

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Main / Re: Something strange and wonderful...
« on: September 23, 2010, 06:58:24 PM »
Hi Juls,
I'm new here, my name's Amy.

I recently lost the love of my life, Ron. That's what brought me here.

I believe in spirits and if you have a strong connection with someone not even death can break it.

I lost my brother to suicide 4yrs ago and I was having a hard time dealing with it, especially because some religions believe that a person will not go to heaven if they take there own life. And I was told that by a few people I knew at the time. I've come to the realization that is not true. The real cause of my brother's death was depression, which is an illness that I suffer from as well. I believe the illness is what killed him and that since God is a forgiving and loving God and only He can judge that my brother had to have passed on.

Well, my brother must have been in purgatory at one point, because one night he came to me in a dream and it was so vivid and real. He walked into the room at my parents house he used to sleep in and he was with others, I don't know who these people were. he was holding the hand of a younger dark haired girl. I think it may have been my cousin whom had just passed away recently before him, not sure since I only met her briefly when my uncle passed away. Anyway, he was standing there and I was like, "What are you doing here, Jim?" and he said, "I'm living on the crick" (that's how we pronounced creek). I said "What?" and he repeated what he just said, and I was like, "You're not supposed to be here, you need to go be with Grandmom and Grandpop."
I think he needed me to tell him it was Ok to go.

I also had my father come to me a few days after his death and tell me loved me. And I've had a few other conversations with him as well.

So, in conclusion to this message. I truly believe that our loved ones can communicate with us from beyond.
My sister says she has never experienced this before and I'm sure there are others that haven't. Maybe just some of us are more open to it, I dunno.

Amy

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Main / Re: I Lost my Mom
« on: September 23, 2010, 06:09:53 PM »
Hi all, I'm new, my name is Amy.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses.

I had lost my father 2 yrs ago 9/28. I had watched him die. I went through the anger. I was mad at everyone, the hospital staff for making us wait hours we could have had with him, people who still have their dads, etc. I still miss and wonder what he would think of me right now.

I also just lost the love of my life a few weeks ago, which brought me here and I'm having a hard time dealing with his loss right now. I cry all the time and miss him so much! I know it will get less painful, I say less painful because it will never get better, and I get angry when people tell me that. It will never be better. I still grieve for the many losses I've had to endure over the past four yrs. Besides my love and my father, I lost 2 brother, one to suicide 4 yrs ago and 1 to a brain aneurysm 3 months before my father passed away. It's been very difficult. Just when I think I'm coming to terms of one persons death, someone else close to me dies. I know it's life, we all live and die, but these were all people taken way too soon in life. My older brother was 41 when he committed suicide, my other brother was 30, my father was 66, and my Ron was 43, he would be turning 44 next month. I miss him so darn much!

Amy

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Main / Re: Devastated
« on: September 23, 2010, 05:39:36 PM »
Teresa, I too just lost my love a few weeks ago of the same thing. We were not married, we had only been together for a few short months. He was at work and his boss drove him to the hospital, he called me at 11am and said he would be Ok and call me later, that was the last time I spoke to him. I wish I had gone to the hospital to tell him I love him, but because I was only the girlfriend and his family didn't know me, I knew I wouldn't be allowed to see him, or so I believe. I will never know. And now I live with the pain of loosing him in such a short time and wishing, wishing we had more time, wishing I could be with him, wishing I too will be taken soon form this earth to be with him. I miss him so much!

Amy

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Main / Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« on: September 23, 2010, 05:30:34 PM »
Hi I'm new and I just wanted to say sorry for your losses. I just lost my love Ron a few weeks ago.
He died of a heart attack.

Anyways, when I had lost my brother years ago. My sister and I started this tradition we do whenever we go to the cemetery. We tie a note to the end of a balloon and let it go up to heaven. We find it a bit comforting.

The first birthday after my brother passed away we had a bit of a birthday party for him. Me, my sister and his friends went to the grave and we had brought a bottle of his favorite alcohol, Old Grand Dad, and we all had a shot and poured some on his grave. We then went to the diner we always frequented (after going to the bar) and had a piece of his favorite cake, German Chocolate and reminisced about our memories of him. I still miss him as well.

Amy

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Main / Re: Is there a point to this?
« on: September 23, 2010, 05:09:39 PM »
I too am questioning the same thing. My Ron was only in my life for a very short time. We had only been together for a few months. Funny thing, well not funny, just odd. When you live somewhere for a long time, there this thing, like six degrees of separation, like the Kevin Bacon thing, everyone seems to know someone you know. I'm sure you know what I mean. It's like I could have met Ron years ago, why didn't I? My sister is friends with his employer, they had gone to school together. Why did I not meet him sooner? Why didn't we get together sooner? Why after we got together was he taken so soon? We didn't have alot of time together and I feel so cheated. Why were we put into one another's life for it to only be for a short time? I still don't have the answer to this. Ron died of a heart attack 8/7/10 and I miss him everyday.
 

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Main / Re: How Do I Go On?
« on: September 23, 2010, 04:58:16 PM »
Thanks, I appreciate the support. We don't have support groups around here like some places do. When my brother passed I joined a Yahoo Group for Survivors of Suicide and it helped alot. It helped me to understand his mindset and helped in me to stop blaming myself.

Now, if I can get past the what if's and why were we not given much time together? Why was he taken from me so soon? I just can't wrap my mind around it and make sense of it. I just don't understand and it's just so hard to deal with. :'(

Amy

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Main / Re: Introduction - Not sure where to start
« on: September 23, 2010, 04:50:03 PM »
I so can relate also. Though Ron kept persisting that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship, he was always there, at my place. We even broke up once, just to get back together 2 days later. He started saying luv ya on the phone to me, then when I said it, he got freaked. He was so afraid of commitment because of his marriage that went so wrong and horrible. sometimes he would yell at me and I would think to myself, I'm not her! I even said to him the last argument we had, "Don't talk to me like that! I don't deserve to be treated like that!" and he was like he always was, not that we argued alot, just a few times, but he was like "I'm sorry, you're right" and we would kiss and makeup. I never said "luv ya" to him since he had freaked from our first argument, but I could have sworn when he called me from the hospital he spurted it out quickly, I dunno for sure. I'd like to think he did.

After the last argument we had, I tried to convince him I didn't feel for him the way really I did, because of his not wanting to be in a "committed relationship". I tried to play it off, like "It's just about great sex, nothing more". It was so much more for me and I think he knew that, but I couldn't let him go and for some reason he stuck around. He made a little comment then, like "in the future" it could be more. I feel he was confused and was afraid of being hurt again. I just wish we had more time. Time to show him how much I really cared and loved him, time to show me he loved me too. I fell it's so unfair that we didn't get that time.

We had talked of future plans sometimes, like him moving in with me. We had done that the last night we spent together. We had talked of just things we wanted to do together. He had never been to the Jersey Shore and I wanted to take him. Also, there were movies we had planned to see together. One came out the day he died. I think it may be gone already. I wanted to share that with him. Damn! I miss him so freakin much it hurts!

I've only had a few dreams. One was so vivid and I think it may have been his way of saying goodbye to me. There was this room where a bunch of people were gathered and he was greeting them, and I was sitting there patiently waiting for him to come to me. He goes to walk past me and I grabbed his arm and was like "Wait!, I need to talk to you." and I proceeded to tell him "I love you" and he said "I know", he then went to walk away and I was like "Wait!" I had so much I wanted to say and ask him, but he said "I'm Ok" and quickly kissed me and proceeded to walk away again. I was like "but?" and he stood up, looked right at me, threw his hands up, and said once again " I'm Ok!"

I wanted to hear him say I love you too, I wanted to ask him if he really cared for me. I want to believe he did. I've only had one other dream since then, but I believe it was forced because I wanted it so bad and was daydreaming about it before I fell asleep.

I wonder sometimes if he see me, if he knows how I feel, if he knows how much pain I'm in. He used to say, "I don't want to hurt you." and all I can think now is "You did, when you left me"


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