Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - tahari01

Pages: [1] 2
1
Main / What's wrong with me??
« on: October 06, 2010, 08:09:41 PM »
Hi everyone.  I haven't been on in a while, and for that...I apologize.  I just have been trying to STILL process my moms sudden passing in my arms on August 1st.  Movies show loved ones happy when a family or friend dies in their arms.  I am here to tell you all...that it is NOT something I would wish on anyone.  Anyway...about three weeks after mom died...I have not been able to cry.  At all.  There are days when I DO want to just cry and cry.  But nothing comes out.  Now I"m sondering what the heck is wrong with me? Why is it that my siblings have no problem crying...but I can't. Its like the tears aren't there at all.


I just wanted to check in with all of you.  If anyone thinks this message doesn't make sense...its probably because I' tying this right after taking my Ambien for the night.

Love you all and I'm going to bed now.
Lillian

2
Main / Re: I Lost my Mom
« on: September 19, 2010, 02:55:14 PM »
Hi Stacy,

I lost my mom too, to a massive heart attack on 8/1 of this year.  Just a few weeks before your mom.  I know all too well what you are going through and feeling.  There's no one correct way to grieve.  You will grieve in your own time.  If that means days from now or months or years from now for you to heal a bit, then so be it. Don't rush it.  When you feel like crying, cry.  It's the best thing you can do for yourself is to let those tears fall.  When you feel like napping, nap.  Whatever you feel like doing, do it.  It's such a shock to everyone in my family, especially to my siblings and me.  I know it's a huge shock to you.  My mom died in my arms.  Sometimes I don't wish that on anyone.  If you want to read my story, just look for my name here.

I'm sending hugs and love your way,
Lillian

P.S.  Should you ever want to talk privately, just send me a personal message here and I'll send you my email address.

3
Main / Re: My mom passed August 1st
« on: September 07, 2010, 05:44:41 PM »
Thank you all so much for the prayers and well wishes.  It's been a month and a week since mom died.  I don't like...wait...no...I HATE saying died. I don't know why...but it's better for me to say she passed instead.  I have had some tranquil moments the past couple of weeks.  Last week, I went with my dad to his family reunion in Virginia.  My other siblings couldn't go and I didn't want my dad to go alone since he's in remission from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  At any rate...I haven't cried in a couple of weeks...and didn't even cry at the reunion.  But last night, I did cry.  For no reason.  I take that back. I did cry for a reason.  She passed in my house.  I dreaded coming back home to the reminders of her not here any longer.  I just want her back.  I can't have her back and that's the part I'm trying to deal with right now.  The knowing that I can never see her alive again.

Love to you all,
Lillian

4
Main / Irritated and a bit hurt
« on: August 23, 2010, 04:30:40 PM »
So I get the life insurance papers in the mail today on my mom.  I'm the youngest of 5 kids. I'm 42.  My oldest brother is in prison, and will be for a very long time. I doubt he'll ever get out.  My mom got this life insurance policy before he went to jail, way back in 1997.  Long story short...he'd molested me and my sisters two children when we were all little. My niece and nephew are in their 30's now.  Including that brother, I have 3 brothers and one sister. I stopped claiming him as my brother when I was a young teenager.  One of my brothers had a good relationship with him, but the other brother Curtis didn't.  Neither did my sister obviously.  At any rate, there are 5 beneficiaries on that life insurance policy.  The brother whose in jail doesn't really need the money because the state takes care of him.  So one of my brothers, my sister and myself feel he doesn't and shouldn't get any of the life insurance money.  The one brother who had a good relationship with him understands how we feel, but feels he should get something and maybe have it in a bank account that one of us can send him money each month.  My dad, who was divorced from my mom since 1980, has been sending that brother whose in jail, money each month since he was incarcerated.  I can understand setting up a bank account for a few thousand..but that brother will never get out.  My mom wouldn't want any of us to squabble about it...and quite frankly, my family and I need the money more than anyone in our family as my husband is a student after losing his job to Bridgestone plant partial closure, and my graduating college in December and not landing a job yet.  The brother whose in jail has no kids or wife.  I do, and so does my sister and one of my other brothers.

I feel kind of wrong feeling so bitter about my dad wanting to get that money for the brother whose in jail.  But I also understand that he was my moms child too.  Right or wrong that he's done in life.  I just feel he doesn't deserve any of moms money.

Am I wrong in feeling these emotions about him???

5
Main / Re: My mom passed August 1st
« on: August 22, 2010, 04:22:03 PM »
Debra and everyone else,

Thank you so much for the kind words.  It's been 3 weeks today that my momma passed.  Three weeks ago today at this very moment...we were eating dinner.  I told my husband today that I just want to get through a week without noticing how long it's been since she died in my arms.  I don't know whether to be happy she did because I was there for her last breath...or sad about it because I was there for her last breath.  It's bittersweet and horrible all at the same time.  I wanted to cry this afternoon...but the tears wouldn't come.  I bought a workbook called "Mother loss Workbook"..and I plan on starting on it this week.  I also started church today after not attending a church in over 13 years.  It's been over 20 years for my husband.  We both loved it very much.  We plan on attending again and again.  But first, I plan on taking a trip to Virginia with my dad so that we can attend his familys reunion they have every labor day weekend.  I plan on taking lots of videos and making dvd's of it for family who couldn't attend.  That's what I did with my mom in May.  I drove her up to HER family reunion then...and we both had a lot of fun. I'm so very glad I have those videos to remind me of how excited she was to get to see her siblings.

Love to you all,
Lllian

6
Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: August 22, 2010, 04:13:36 PM »
Originally from Alabama.  But moved to Nashville, TN in 1999.  Now I live outside of Nashville, and have been here for almost 8 years.  I love it here.

7
Main / Three weeks...
« on: August 21, 2010, 08:55:29 AM »
It'll be three weeks tomorrow that my mom died in my arms.  I have semi-good days...and then I have days like today, where I miss her so much.  If the tv weren't on, and if my husband wasn't here, and my two chihuahuas were up in their crates, I'd be crying right now.  My husband knows how I feel because he lost his mom in 1992 to the same thing, only she died her her sleep.  My mom was getting ready for bed, after moving in with us the day before, when she came out and said, "Lilly! I have a pain!"  For those of you who know my story, I'm sorry that I keep repeating myself.  But I never thought the last words she would speak to me would be that.  I thought it'd be, "I love you".  Instead, I knew that night that she wouldn't make it.  Even after my giving her CPR, (fewer than 8% of CPR recipients survive outsided the hospital.  That's from the American Heart Association website), I knew she was leaving me and my family, my siblings forever.  I did, however, get her to look at me one last time as I went through all of our names to her, and one by one, told her we love her.  I think that was a comfort to her at the end.  At least that is what I feel anyway.  I want to wail and cry so badly.  But it only comes in spurts.  And even then, it's not a lot.  Not like the first two weeks after she died.  I'm so sad. So very sad and just want the hurt to go away. I want God to fill my heart with light, love and peace.  But as it stands...it's looking rainy here...and with the rain and gloom..comes my sadness all over again.

God bless you all,
Lillian <3

8
Main / Re: new person-hurting alot
« on: August 21, 2010, 08:32:04 AM »
I lost my mom on August 1st.  Just three weeks ago.  She had a massive heart attack and had just moved in with my husband and me the day before she died.  I gave her CPR, but she died in my arms after reviving her once.  It hurts a lot for me too because like you...I, too, remember that night.  The nights are the worst for me.  But they are slowly easing. Not much, but they are.  I loved her so very much. I was the baby of the family of 5 kids (me being the fifth).  I cannot fathom what it will be like when I lose my husband. I only hope I go before he does, as I don't think I'd be able to handle the pain of losing him.

Love to you,
Lillian

9
Main / Re: Missing you
« on: August 19, 2010, 03:13:21 PM »
I cannot imagine how it feels to lose a lifemate, a soulmate.  I do, however, know how it feels to lose a parent you're close to.  I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I miss my mom so very much, and it's only been 19 days for me.  I only hope with time, that the pain lessens a bit.  I can't imagine how it will though for me.

Love to you,
Lillian

10
Main / Re: LIFE IN GENERAL
« on: August 19, 2010, 03:10:19 PM »
Don,

I'm so very sorry to hear of your mom.  I lost my mom in my arms to a massive heart attack after giving her CPR in my home on August 1st of this year.  Only 19 days ago.  I have lots of questions and oh so much more hurt.  I cannot imagine how it feels to lose a soulmate as you have your wife.  I still have my husband, although he has MS (relapse/remitting kind), I still worry that he will go before me.  There's nothing I can say or do to take away any of your pain.  I can, however, extend my hand and my heart to you and tell you should you EVER need anyone to talk to...I am here.  Don't hesitate to private message me and I'll give you my email address.  I'll say a prayer for you and your mother.

Love and hugs,
Lillian (A new griever)

11
Main / Re: I miss Irene so much
« on: August 17, 2010, 02:05:43 PM »
I know how you feel. The nights are the worst time for me since my mom passed on August 1st.  It's so damned hard.

Love and peace,
Lillian

12
Main / Re: The 'honeymoon' period is over!
« on: August 17, 2010, 02:04:46 PM »
It's difficult to be sure, to have all these emotions and at times it seems like nobody understands what we're going through.  I just lost my beautiful mom on August 1st.  Only 17 days ago.  I had to give her CPR til help got here. So it's especially hard on me as she passed in my arms.  I got her to look at me one last time as I went down the line of names of my siblings and her siblings as I told her we all loved her.  She died of a massive heart attack.  She was a little thing..not fat.  She watched what she ate but she was a smoker for many many years, which lead to her death.  At any rate, because I'm the baby of the family, and because I had to actually perform CPR on her..and watch her pass away in my arms...it's been the most difficult for me.  I have a husband and three kids..youngest of which just turned 20.  The youngest lives with me and my husband of almost 8 years (in December is our anniversary).  I cannot imagine losing a spouse.  I do know, however, about losing a mom. It's the most difficult thing in the entire world for me.  I'm so very sorry for your loss.  No amount of saying sorry will heal you. I know this. However, just know that I'm praying for you.  I started therapy yesterday and believe me...it made me feel so much better.  Just from the first therapy appointment!  If you aren't in therapy..I urge you to think about it.  It does help.  I know I've only been grieving for a little over 2 weeks....but just know that I know what you are going through.  I have been so scared that I'll one day lose my husband. He and I are soulmates to be sure!  He has MS, but the relapse remitting kind.  Not the kind that puts you in a wheelchair.  Still...you never know. When that day comes, I pray that I'll be strong enough to endure the grief. 

I don't know you...but want to tell you that Heather wouldn't want you to be sad. Easier sad than done!  Pick up the phone and call someone...a family member or a friend should you have a close friend.. and tell them you really need to talk to them about her. Don't keep it inside.  Visit this site as much as you want and pour your heart out to us all.  We are all here for you.

Love and peace,
Lillian

13
Main / Tear Soup
« on: August 16, 2010, 03:38:51 PM »
I started my first therapy session this afternoon, and must say I feel a bit better.  I have gone to this therapist before, years ago, so I feel really good about seeing her again.  My next session with her is this Friday, and she will be showing me a video called "Tear Soup" then.  I've vaguely heard of it before...but don't know what it's about.  So when I got home, I looked online to see if I could find it. I found a recipe for Tear Soup.  It may not be the same thing she is going to show me...but it will help me in my grief process.  I plan on making copies and sending it to my siblings.  Here is the poem for all of you as well:

TEAR SOUP, a recipe for healing after loss
Helpful Ingredients To Consider:
 a pot full of tears
 one heart willing to be broken
 a dash of bitters
 a bunch of good friends
 a handful of comfort food
 a lot of patience
 buckets of water to replace the tears
 plenty of exercise
 a variety of helpful reading material
 enough self care
 season with memories
 optional: one good therapist and/or support group

 
Directions:
Choose the size pot that fits your loss.  It's ok to change the pot size if you miscalculated.  Combine ingredients.  Set temperature to a moderate heat.  Cooking times will vary depending on the ingredients needed.  Strong flavors mellow over time.  Stir often.  Cook no longer than you need to.

 

Suggestions:
 Be creative.
 Trust your instincts.
 Cry when you want to, laugh when you can.
 Freeze some to use as a starter next time.
 Write your own soup making in a journal so you won't forget

Serving Size
Serves One




14
Main / Re: As Of Today My Husband Has Been Gone For 3 Months
« on: August 16, 2010, 03:35:20 PM »
Let me start out by telling you how very sorry I am of your husbands passing.  My mom died August 1st, and it's still all new and overwhelming to me.  I just got out of my first therapy session and must tell you that I feel a good bit better since talking to my therapist.  I WILL tell you what she did me.  Don't let anyone tell you what to do while you're grieving.  This is still fresh to you too.  Do what you want to do when you want to do it. If you want to cry, then cry.  If you want to laugh, then laugh.  But only do what YOU feel like doing.  You have all of us here to help you through things.

Love, Hugs and lots of Peace,
Lillian

15
Main / Dreams
« on: August 14, 2010, 05:50:44 AM »
My first journal entry. I decided to start a journal for my grief process.  Anything to help me.  I wanted to share what I wrote with all of you.

Lillian

August 14, 2010

It’s been 13 and a half days since mom died.  Yesterday was a decent day for me.  The heaviness wasn’t as apparent on my chest as it has been.  It still hurts a lot though.  I find myself wanting to make a change for the better in my health and life, because mom wouldn’t want me to suffer or go through what she did in life.  Her last moments with me, and her last words to me weren’t I love you.  No, those were my last words to her…as I knew the situation wasn’t good and I’d more than likely lose her that night.  My last words to her were “I love you momma”.  I went down the names of all her kids and some of her grandkids…and told her every one of us loves her and to please stay with us.  She didn’t though.  God wanted her in heaven with him instead.  I find a tiny bit of comfort knowing that she may have passed in my arms, while I gave her CPR.  I think I may have brought her back to life once while waiting for paramedics to get here.  I’m not very clear on that one. The EMT may have briefly brought her back. I’m just not sure.  At any rate, I thought I’d start a journal of my feelings while I’m grieving for her.  I wanted to start out by telling the three dreams I’ve had of her so far.  I wanted to remember those dreams in case I ever wanted to remember them in the future, but couldn’t.

THE DREAMS:
The first dream was  maybe a day after the funeral, not sure on when.  There was lots of friends and family crammed in this tiny house.  We were all in the living room, and the kitchen was right off of the living room.  The living room was dark, but the kitchen had a small light on.  The entryway to the kitchen was an arched entryway with no door.  My heart was so heavy with grief in the dream.  I was sitting near my husband when I heard my mom say, “Lilly! Where’s the ham?”  We all were very astonished to hear her voice! But especially I was astonished the most.  I told her that she wasn’t supposed to be there, that she passed away.  She then showed herself to me and  she appeared younger to me than when she died.  She died at 71 years old…but she looked like she may have been in her late 30’s or early 40’s.  I guess she was happiest then? Not sure.  She had a covered dish and I went up to her and she uncovered it. There was hamburger on the dish, raw hamburger.  I then told her that it wasn’t ham and I imagine she probably put it back. Because the next minute, she was without the dish and in the darkened living room with us all.  There was a big burly black man there and he’d passed away  a while ago too.  He was crying along with me and comforting me, telling me that everything will be alright and that mom is happiest where she is now.  He proceeded to hug me tightly, and I can still feel his arms around me, hugging me tightly to him, comforting me.  When I awoke, I immediately remembered the dream.  Something that I rarely do.  I felt a sense of peace and knew it was my moms way of showing me and telling me that she’s alright.  I strongly feel that the black man in my dream was more than likely a heavenly angel come to me in human form to comfort me.  It was a great dream!  The ironics of me having the dream that night is that my dad called and told me he had a dream of her that same night I had my dream of her. In his dream, she was driving up his driveway and there were lots of family there at his house. He said she was a lot younger and so very pretty.  He said in his dream, she planted a big kiss on his lips.  Even though my mom and dad divorced in 1979-1980, they were soulmates.  They were first loves.  My stepmom has been great through all of this.  She understands this.  The day of moms visitation, I laid in bed next to dad while Gary got ready in his bathroom, and my sister Sherry came in to get something from one of her bags that she put in daddys bedroom.  Sherry started crying and she sat on the edge of dads bed, and he held her while she cried.  He started crying too a bit and told us both, “you never get over your first love”.  I know that he loved mom dearly until her end.  I’m glad he had a dream the same night I had mine. 

The second dream I had of her was the next night after the first one.  I don’t really remember the dream.  All I remember is that she was younger in this one as well.  I am pretty sure she was carrying a cord of wood and coming towards me.  That’s all I remember of that one.

The third dream, I had last night.  She was younger in this dream as well.  It was a family gathering or reunion I’m imagining.  Both friends and family were there.  Mom had been resurrected from the dead and brought back to life.  Not in a freakishly scifi movie kind of way.  But through God.  God had brought my mommy back to life from the dead.  Now for the next part of this dream, you have to understand something.  The night she passed, she’d just looked up a recipe that afternoon for a peach upside down cake.  We’d went to Sams Club and bought a lot of things, including a case of peaches for me to use in this recipe.  I was supposed to make it for her that week, but never got to.  I made two of those cakes yesterday.  One for my husband, son and I to enjoy, and one to take to my dads house today to share with my siblings and daddy.  The first bite I had of the cake, I started bawling because all I could think of, was the fact that my mommy didn’t get to try the cake that she wanted me to make for her.  Now back to the dream.  We all sat at this big dining room table, which looked like the one that my mom and dad owned and had when they were still married and living in Huntsville, Alabama on Marymont Drive.  She was enjoying a piece of my cake.  Sitting at the head of the table with her legs crossed and slowly enjoying that piece of cake.   I’m so very glad that I’ve had these dreams.
I’ve had two moments where I’ve yelled in my sleep and called out for her.  The first time I called out her name and woke myself up doing that.  The very next night, I yelled out in my sleep because I thought I saw her face in my living room window.  You have to understand that in my living room, we have blinds in the window.  Well, the bottom right corner of the blinds, there’s a perfect square missing where our cat used to climb in the window at night and he messed them up.  We’ve not replaced them yet.  But because I can see spirits and communicate with them, it creeps me out to have that square missing.  So the second time I woke myself up screaming, it’s because I saw a white mist in the window in my dream, and I knew it was momma. 
I’m glad I’ve had those experiences. I also know that it’s a part of my grieving process.  But I’m convinced my mommy came to me in my dreams to comfort me and to let me know that she’s alright and not to be sad for her.  She’s rejoicing in Heaven with all her friends and family that’s passed before her.  She’s rejoicing with the Angels and with God Almighty Himself. The ultimate reward!  I miss her so very much.  But I know she’s happiest up there and she doesn’t miss any of us at all.  I will see her again.  I know I will.  When it’s my time to go, I want to see her first. And I know I will.  I love you momma. So very very much!

Lillian

Pages: [1] 2