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Messages - barbp

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Main / Re: Don't know how to cope
« on: June 02, 2010, 07:40:19 AM »
Picked up the autopsy report and I am beside myself. I think, if I wouldn't have been so ignorant and had not written off the sounds Jeff was making as a nightmare I could have possibly saved him. The time of death was listed as "about 5:45 AM", WHILE I WAS MAKING COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!!!! I will never be able to forgive myself for that!!!!

The official cause of death is listed as "Wolff Parkinson White Syndrom & Chronic Alcohol Abuse". "WPW" is a heart condition that apparently can lead to sudden death on rare occasions. He also had "Hepatic Steatosis" (Fatty Liver) which is associated with heavy drinking.

I don't know how I managed to drive home after having read the report in my car. It is pouring rain to boot, I guess that's fitting for today.

I am not sure how to go on from here.....


Main / Re: Don't know how to cope
« on: June 01, 2010, 08:43:59 PM »
Hi Leo,

I would like to go for walks on the pier more often, but tourist season is upon us and that means no more parking near the beaches unless you are there by 6 AM. :( I should not complain, as it is the tourist season that allows me to have my job, but I do prefer spring and fall here by Lake Michigan. It is usually much more relaxing and the weather isn't so muggy.

I just got home from work, my hours are 3-11 in the evening. I am off tomorrow and Thursday.

I called the medical examiners office today. I will go tomorrow and pick up the autopsy and toxicology report of Jeff's death. I am dreadding it. I am not so much afraid of what I will see in it (I don't think it will reveal much), but I am afraid of what it will do to me seeing the man I love reduced to clinical facts. I am also a little afraid of finding out the time of death as I still struggle with the "what if" I had reacted quicker. "What if" I had not written off the strange sounds I heard coming from Jeff, that woke me up, as a nightmare. :(   I am glad that tomorrow afternoon I have a grief counseling appointment, so I won't have to deal with everything all by myself.

Main / Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« on: May 30, 2010, 05:22:25 PM »
I read all your posts and I don't really have anything to add, all I feel has been expressed.

I leave the house and go to the store just so I am not home alone. Once in the store I stand there and cry because I see all the foods Jeff and I would buy for our meals. I still have the text messages from the last shopping list he sent me for the shrimp stir fry he had planned to make the day he died. I can't cook. I haven't cooked a real meal in the seven weeks since Jeff died. I either eat out very cheaply (I get 50% the meals at the restaurant that is attached to the hotel where I work) or I buy microwave meals.

I still need to clean the carpet from when the EMTs, police and medical examiner all were in my house the day Jeff died, but I can't bring myself to do anything. I have moved the furniture in the bedroom twice now (I think the newest configuration is the best) because I cannot bare being in there the way it was when Jeff died. I have a hard time even stepping in front of the closet because that is where I dragged Jeff's body from the bed when the 911 operator asked me to put him on the floor and to start chest compressions. When I step there I feel I am violating sacred ground. I know I am being irrational, but I can't help the thoughts creeping in anyways. I can't stand being alone, but then I can't be around people either.

Hugs to all of us!


Main / Re: Don't know how to cope
« on: May 30, 2010, 05:04:12 PM »
Hi Karen,

yesterday I worked 9 1/2 hours at the hotel. It was non-stop as we were completely booked (100 rooms) and we could have sold 100 more. It wasn't my regular shift, worked 1-10:30 PM and I had not been scheduled to work, but I was very grateful to get the hours. Afterwards I came home and was so exhausted that I couldn't relax. My entire body was aching and I was awake at 5:30 in the morning again today. I have been crying all day.

Then for some reason I decided that today was the day that I would give Jeff's computer to my daughter. I knew it would be hard, but I never thought it would be this bad. Waves of agony still wash over me hours later. I continue to lose Jeff piece by piece. I know he'd want her to have Tobie (that's what he lovingly called his computer, its short for Toshiba) her computer broke, but I can't help being incredibly sad to see it go. I bought it for him when we were first together because his wasn't working right anymore, and Jeff cherished it.

"My life has made a 100% change, and I don't know if I can make such huge adjustments, I am trying, but I don't know if I want to. For what?"

I couldn't agree more. I truly don't know why I should try to go on. I don't want to do this without Jeff!


Main / Re: Don't know how to cope
« on: May 28, 2010, 07:58:02 AM »
Such beautiful flowers! You are doing a great job maintaining the garden Leo!

I am not doing well. I did not get a lot of hours this week at work and am now off until Monday. I do not know what to do with my time. The weather is great, the humidity is down and the sun is shining, but I just can't find any enjoyment in anything I do.

I may go for a walk on the pier, but I know I will just walk and cry. Everything hurts, emotionally and physically. It will be seven weeks tonight that I last kissed Jeff goodnight. Seven weeks tomorrow since I held his lifeless body in my arms.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other, get up every morning to start a new day, but at times I do wonder why.

Main / Re: Don't know how to cope
« on: May 16, 2010, 08:32:58 PM »

I told some of my friends not to long ago that I feel adrift in the vast ocean without a compass. I have no more guidance. I go to work and I am able to function there, but before and imidiately after I sit either numb or crying.

Jeff would be the person I would lean on when bad things would happen to me, now I am all alone without that support.

I am surviving day by day, but I would not call it living. On top of that I am battleing financial problems do to his death. There are moments where I wish that I too could just go to sleep and not wake up in the morning, yet every day I opne my eyes to the realization that another day without Jeff awaits. :(

I hope that things will get better in time for all of us. I learned through my daughter's death 12 years ago that there still can be a life after the death of a loved one, but when you are in the middle of the pain of grief it is hard to hold on to that.


Main / Re: new person-hurting alot
« on: May 08, 2010, 08:49:30 AM »

it is 4 weeks for me today since Jeff passed away. Just like you I do ok when I am around people, but being home alone is crushing. I cry all the time and just have this empty feeling inside of me. Most of the time it feels like my head is in a fog.

Going to sleep in the bed he died in is so hard. We had such a good, close relationship and I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. Even though we only had 17 months together, it always felt to us as if we knew each other forever.

I don't know how I can move on, not sure if I even want to. :(

Main / Don't know how to cope
« on: May 02, 2010, 07:36:06 AM »
The night before last I had a terrible nightmare involving Jeff's death. I woke myself up screaming and it felt as if I lost him all over again. :(  it took me all day yesterday to fight back from the depth of despair and I was only able to do it with the help of my daughter who spent her entire day with me.

Yesterday it was 3 weeks that Jeff slipped away from me. Since then I have been struggling with the pain of him being gone, financial difficulties, his "still wife" who has been making my life a living hell (had to change my phone numbers and get my home number unlisted), starting a new job and just coping with the loneliness of this place.

Everything I do feels wrong. I stay home I feel isolated, I leave the house I feel I should be home. :(

I make it through work each day and then I come home and sob. I know Jeff would not want me to live this way, he always said that I have been through enough in my life and I deserve to be happy, but he WAS my source of happiness. We did EVERYTHING together for 1 1/2 years!! We loved each other so much. How do I move forward, how do I beat the loneliness? I just don't know. :(

Main / Re: Memories
« on: April 30, 2010, 07:53:46 AM »

I understand how you feel. I too want to remember Jeff's touch, his hugs, his kisses yet everything is overshadowed by his death. The trauma of it overwrites everything else.

I know its only been three weeks (tonight) that he passed away and all is still so raw, so I hope that when the pain of him dying fades a little the memories of the good times will come back.

I keep a journal in which I write to Jeff, that seems to help me hold on to some of the memories.



Main / Re: Lost my beloved
« on: April 26, 2010, 05:17:09 PM »

I can related very well to you. Even though Jeff and I did not even have a fraction of the time you had with your wife together, we were attached at the hip. We did everything together. I wish I had a roomate, someone to talk to in the evening. The loneliness is so hard to bare.

I started my new job today, I have no choice, it already will not be enough to make ends meet but it will help. I think I will have to file for bankruptcy. :(

Being at work helped, I even laughed! But when I walked into my empty apartment I broke down sobbing again and I have not stopped crying for more than 10 minutes since. Fixed myself supper, longing for Jeff to be standing in the kitchen telling me to sit down because he wants to prepare a new creation for me. :(

I had bought shrimp and various other ingredients for shrimp stir fry on the Friday before his death because that's what he planned on fixing on Saturday, just looking at it in the freezer turns me into a sobbing mess. :(

Main / Re: Horrible day yesterday - Dealing with insane "still" wife
« on: April 26, 2010, 03:28:41 PM »
Thank you J!

I am sorry for all the crap you had to deal with on top of losing your dad.

Jeff and I lived together for 1 1/2 years. He moved into my apartment when his boat (which he had lived on for many months) had to come out of the water for the winter.

He had a lot of problems, drank heavily (beer only but between 15-30 a day.) He still was a good man. He wanted to change so badly for me, but was unable to. He told me every day (many times) how much he loved me, how grateful he was for me to come into his life. He did so many wonderful things for me every day, always wanting to make me happy. He cooked for me all the time and he was a good cook! Sunday mornings he made breakfast always coming up with new omeletts and other creations.

He was going to teach me how to golf this summer. We loved to do things together and if it only was going to the bar having a beer and playing Keno. We spent almost all of the short time we had together. I would help him with his work, he was a credit card processor and a he was a great sales man, he could sell ice to eskimos, but never took advantage of people, always trying to get them the best deal.

I never felt as loved or cared for as when I was with him. It did not matter that I am not a beauty queen, he told me all the time how beautiful I was. He had a great sense of humor too. I could not have asked for a better man. He was so scared of his wife that he never disclosed my existance to her or his kids. He was always scared. It took months before I could touch his head without him flinching. :(

Not only was he good to me, but I tried very hard too be good to him. I showed him what love is and how a couple should interact, even in an arguement and we had some of those too, usually caused by his drinking. However I feel that maybe I did nag him a little too much about some issues, always nicely, but I know it hurt him. I hope in the end he knew how much I loved him.

Main / Re: Missing My Mother, My Best Friend.
« on: April 25, 2010, 03:37:01 PM »
Nein, das ist sehr nah! :)  (Translation for those who don't speak German: No, it is very close! :) )

I am so sorry you lost your Mutti. Last Memorial Day weekend my mother-in-law (my husband and I divorced after 20 years of marriage, another grief I am dealing with on a different level) passed away, also very suddenly. She fell ill on Sunday, on Tuesday morning she had passed away. :(

I was very close to her, after my husband I seperated she upgraded me to daughter! She would be the one I'd be leaning on right now, just as I am sure, you would want your Mom with you right now during this terrible pain. :(


Main / Re: Missing My Mother, My Best Friend.
« on: April 25, 2010, 03:08:54 PM »
WOW! What a coincidence!

How old was your Mom if I may ask? Where in Germany was she from?

I am 49, will be 50 in October (don't even want to think about that right now, Jeff had plans to take me to Vegas.  :-[

I was born in Gelsenkirchen but grew up in and around Giessen, about 30 miles north of Frankfurt.

Main / Re: Missing My Mother, My Best Friend.
« on: April 25, 2010, 01:18:30 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss.

I read "wonderful German woman" and I had to smile, that's what my boyfriend Jeff called me (he also called me his "chubby little German girl" and he said he was my "skinny. bald guy"). he passed away in his sleep without any appareant reason yesterday, two weeks ago. I found him not breathing when I woke up in the morning. It has been a complete nightmare.

These first days, weeks, months are just so hard on all of us, not matter your loss. I came here the first time in 1997 after my oldest daughter Katja took her own life at the age of 19. I still have close personal friends whom I met on this board then. If that is any indication you have come to a good place to share your grief and sorrow.



Main / Horrible day yesterday - Dealing with insane "still" wife
« on: April 25, 2010, 07:43:28 AM »
I am so exhausted. Yesterday Jeff's still wife came to pick up some of his things. She is an abuser and used to beat Jeff viciously during their marriage. He clearly suffered from PTSD. She showed her true colors as she was here and became increasingly angry. Thankfully I was not alone a friend of mine and my youngest daughter were here. It got so ugly that we had to call the police. She threatend me verbally, all the while their three children 18, 15 & 13 were present. She had been using them all along as the "go-between". Even though she didn't even set foot into my apartment, she kept looking in and even demanding MY furniture which I had bought when I moved in here LONG before I ever knew Jeff.

I am going to change my phone numbers tomorrow, I already blocked a couple of the numbers she used on my cell phone. I may have to get a restraining order against her if she keeps harrassing me.  All I ever did was to give Jeff a loving home where he felt welcome and could relax. He called it his "bat cave". He so needed to feel loved after having been treated so poorly for 18 years!!

I am not good at handling confrontation on a good day, now it is almost impossible. I hope I can get some rest today, starting my new job tomorrow. :(

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