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Messages - Jannie

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1
Main / Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« on: August 23, 2010, 05:25:46 PM »
Penny,

Yes, we are all hurting too.  Sometimes it's hard to respond because we don't know what to say any more.   I have not been posting much lately because I am trying hard to move forward and find it so hard to read the pain expressed in all the posts here on this site.  I notice that a lot of people who all started posting here around the same time have stopped as well.

I am still reeling from Charlie's death--yesterday was the 6-month anniversary of his passing.  It was a difficult day, but today is a new day, and I am trying to forge ahead.

We all know what you are feeling and going through, but we must move on as hard as that is.  We all want our lives back, but that is not possible any longer.  Nothing we do can bring them back.  We will never forget them, and there is nothing that will ever fill the hole that is left in our hearts by their death, but you need to realize that we all feel the same way you do.  We need to pray every day for acceptance of what has happened to us and the courage to move forward which is what our loved ones would want for us.

We are listening to you and feel your pain.

Hoping you can find some peace in your life--you are not alone. 

Jannie

2
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: August 07, 2010, 01:59:27 PM »
Hi all,

Not much to say lately, same old, same old.  I have been spending a lot of time at our pool and sitting with friends, old and new.  It's good to get out of here in the afternoons and have people to talk to.  If nothing else, I am getting a nice tan. The "group" keeps trying to get me to do things with them, and I have agreed to go on a bus trip and a concert in early October.

Today was a so/so day--weather was "iffy", and I decided to stay home from the pool and try and get some things done around the house.  It was a bad idea-- although I got a few things done, I find that I go down fast when I stay in all day by myself. 

I am so sad, Charlie was my life, my hope, my future, and now there is nothing but this emptiness and lonely life without him.  Some days I feel like I will be okay, but most days I don't even have the will to get dressed and get myself moving--for what, I ask myself?  I am just existing with no real purpose in my life.  Some days I feel like I am a hundred years old.

I wish I had something to add to make things better for all of us, but I do not.  It is good to come here to read and to post, but in the long run, we are all in this hell together, and we must all make this journey by ourselves.

Wishing you all some peace in your lives,

Jannie




3
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: August 03, 2010, 06:31:39 PM »
Evening all,

Not much to say lately.

I had a slight meltdown at the pool today.  It was a quiet afternoon, not many people there today although the weather
was just beautiful.  When my friend Sandy left to go home, I sat with a woman I know a little.  We started to talk, and she asked me about Charlie and the circumstances of his sudden illness and death.  She was so nice and talked about how handsome and healthy he always looked and how it was so nice that we had found each other.  I just broke down and started crying.  There was really no one around at this point, and I felt comfortable talking to her.  She was so sweet and just listened and didn't try to say "you need to move on, or get over it" or anything like that.  I came home and had a little crying episode for a while, but I am over it now. 

Work again tomorrow--a good thing for me.  It brings some regimen to my life, and it is good to be out and away from my home and myself for the hours that I work.

Karen, you are right--there is nowhere to run to.  Nothing fills the gap left behind by our loved ones, I know, but we must try to move on for them and ultimately for ourselves as well.  We cannot bring them back, and we cannot live in their world wherever they are.  I miss Charlie so much, but I know that he is not coming back, and nothing can change that.  I know from past experience that I either have to move forward and find some reason to go on or become a miserable, sad, and bitter human being.  I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life that way.

Wishing you all peace tonight,

Jannie


4
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: August 01, 2010, 03:53:17 PM »
Good evening to all,

I haven't posted in a few days--nothing much new to say or add.  Just trying to live this "new" life that I have been forced into once again.

So sad, trying to adjust, and my friends are trying to be very supportive, but they have no idea what this life is like.  There is so much going on here in my community, and I cannot bring myself to participate.   I know I probably should, but it is too hard to do right now.

Work tomorrow, and I actually look forward to it after 4 days off.  Keeps my mind off of myself and my grief.

A good evening to everyone and the hope for better days ahead.

Jannie

5
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 28, 2010, 04:57:57 PM »
Hi Karen,

Glad to hear that you are having some luck with the grief counselor.  It's good to be able to talk to someone who can be objective and compassionate.  I am looking forward to returning to my support group in the fall, although I may have to attend a different one since my work schedule conflicts with their meeting time.

Yesterday my brother and sister-in-law drove down, and I met them for lunch at their favorite seafood restaurant in Point Pleasant.  I always enjoy seeing them--they are good people and are talking about moving to the shore.  I hope I can convince them--it would be nice for me to have them here.

I worked today from 2 till 7.  I am done now until Monday.  I am supposed to be meeting some friends of mine for dinner tomorrow night, so that will be nice too.  I'm trying.

Good that you got all that work done!  I have no ambition for housecleaning, especially with this heat.  All I do when I have free time is go to the pool.  I really love it, and the season is so short, so I want to take advantage of it while I can. 

Well, I'd better get moving--it's almost 8:00, and I haven't had dinner yet.  Wishing you and everyone a good evening and the strength to survive and to make it through this terrible time in our lives.

Hugs to all,
Jannie

6
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 25, 2010, 05:21:42 PM »
Hi Karen,

Glad you had a nice afternoon.  Freaky things like that happen to me all the time.  I don't know if it means anything or if it is just a coincidence.  I find it hard to find any meaning in things.  I have lost so many people in my life over the past 15 years or so, and I have never once had any kind of spiritual experience. 

I really am not able to listen to any kind of music these days because inevitably something comes on that reminds me of Charlie.  When I am in my car, it's "talk radio" all the way!

Wishing you a peaceful evening,

Jannie

7
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 25, 2010, 02:55:54 PM »
Hello Karen, Jackie, Penny, Poppy, and all,

Sorry I don't respond to each and every one of you.  I do read your posts every day, and my heart breaks for all of you.  Sometimes I find it difficult to post every day even on my own thread.  Although I come here to read every day, the pain and sadness I hear here can be too difficult to bear at times. 

I have no magic words for anyone.  I have been through this nightmare once before, and I know that it takes a lot of time and a lot of crying and feeling like hell and wishing we could die too before we start to recover and see a little light in our lives.  It will come eventually for all of you, although even I cannot conceive of it for myself at this point in time.

Please know that I care about all of you and hope that someday you will all find some peace and perhaps learn to smile again.  Until then, feel what you need to feel, cry when you need to cry, and don't let anyone tell you what you should be doing or feeling--they have no idea of what we are going through.

We finally got some much needed rain here this afternoon--it's so nice to get a little break from this heat.  It has been an unbearably hot summer so far, and I look forward to the fall and being able to turn off the AC.  The only good thing about the heat is that it gets me to the pool almost every afternoon where I get out and talk to people and forget my grief for a while. 

Wishing you all peace and the strength to deal with the reality of acceptance and moving forward.

Hugs to all,
Jannie

8
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 22, 2010, 04:12:35 PM »
Hello all,

Today is the 5-month anniversary of Charlie's death.  I am so sad to think of what "might have been," and I miss him more than ever.  I went to the pool this afternoon and am constantly reminded that I am alone when I see and hear all the other couples talking about their lives and their plans.  I feel so all alone.  A couple I know well and sat with today for a while were telling me about all the dinner specials at the local restaurants here in our area--like I was going to go there by myself!!  What are they thinking anyway?  My widowed friend Judy keeps asking me to do stuff with her and others, but I just am not up to being that social.  A group was going to a concert tonight with fireworks, and she asked me to go.  She does not mind going with other couples, but I do.  She just can't get that through her head.  She thinks I should be doing more than I am.

Monday night Charlie's granddaughter posted a picture of him on Facebook about two weeks before he died, and she was looking up at him with adoring eyes--the caption was heartbreaking:  "OH HOW I WISH YOU WERE HERE!"  I cried for several hours after that and did not sleep well at all that night.
 
I read everyone's posts every day, and I am so saddened by all I read on here.  I have no words for any of us that haven't been said before except that this is my second time having to live through this horror.  Although our loved ones are always with us, and our lives will never be the same again, we do go on and manage to create another kind of life for ourselves, even though it is one that we did not plan for.  I know that one day you will all manage to find a reason to smile again.  I tell you that even though it's hard for me to believe it for myself right now.  We need to grieve for as long as we need to, and we should not feel bad about it.  We will all know when we have accepted our fate and are ready to move on.  There really is no other choice.

Penny, I am so sorry for all that you have been going through.  Sometimes it feels like the bad things never stop--like we are being "dumped on" for whatever reason!  I have been there, and I know how you feel.  Please hang in there--you are so young, and I know it will get better for you someday.

Karen, I am happy that you may have found the right therapist for you.  I hope that your sessions bring you some peace and understanding.

I wish you all what I wish for myself--acceptance of what has happened to us and the strength to to deal with it.

Hugs to all,
Jannie



9
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 20, 2010, 06:43:36 AM »
Hi Karen,

I hope your session with the therapist goes well.  Years ago when I got divorced from my first husband, I went to one for a year, and it was a big help to be able to unload on someone who could be objective and not judgmental.  I hope you found a good one. 

Have a good day.

Hugs,
Jannie

10
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 18, 2010, 06:51:58 PM »
Hello all,

Not much to say tonight--I am tired.  I was up until 3:30 this morning--very restless.  I am hoping I can get some sleep tonight as tomorrow is my long day at work.

Spent the afternoon at the pool with friends again--they do not mention Charlie unless I do--which is the way I want it.  I don't want to get upset and have to leave the pool.  I enjoy being there, so I just wait until I get home to fall apart.  I miss him so much.  This is so hard.  What is there to look forward to any more?

Wishing you all a good night.

Jannie

11
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 17, 2010, 02:35:38 PM »
Hello all,

This is so hard for all of us.  I miss Charlie every second of my life.  Last night I cried myself to sleep and thought that today I would do nothing, just sit here and feel sorry for myself. 

This afternoon I took myself to the pool and spent a nice afternoon chatting with old and some new friends.  Although it is hard to be there by myself, it is better than staying here alone.  When I came back, the reality of being alone hits me like a slap in the face once again, and I think about all those people at the pool making plans to go to dinner or whatever tonight.  And here I sit like a dog all alone.  How cruel is our fate--to be cut short from a life that was so good for all of us.  How will we ever be the same again?  I just don't know.

I have not been able to look at any pictures or anything that reminds me of Charlie since he died.  I have everything put away in a safe place until I feel like I can handle it.  I'm not sure when that will be.  I just know that it works better for me if I do not look at these things right now--it would tear me to pieces, I know. 

I keep seeing white butterflies in my garden every day, and I saw them flying around in Charlie's front yard this afternoon as I walked to the pool, and I keep thinking that there is some sign or meaning there, but I'm not sure if I believe in that.

Karen, please hang in there--we all care about you--and your family needs you too!  You are lucky to have them, although I know they don't take Johnny's place.  I am all alone without family, and now is the time I wish I had some to support me.   

Hoping we all find the strength to go on and find some peace and acceptance someday in our lives,

Jannie









12
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 15, 2010, 06:30:59 PM »
Evening all,

Feeling very low all day.  I miss Charlie so much--I just don't know what I am doing here any more.  I see his beautiful face and smile everywhere I look.  Why did this happen to me again?

Nothing seems to matter much--I just can't get excited about anything any more without him.  I went to the mall this afternoon just to get out of here and look for some sales--even shopping doesn't get me excited any more.

Karen, that was so sad about your granddaughter.  How sad this is for them too.  I'm sure she loved her grandfather very much and misses him also.

Another weekend coming up--oh, how I hate them.  I am rethinking my decision to go on the dinner cruise next week.  I haven't paid for it yet, so I can still get out of it.  I know my friend Judy will be upset that I am not going, but there are mostly couples going, and there will be dancing too--I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT!! 

Well, I need to clean up my dinner dishes, so I will wish you all a peaceful evening.  Maybe someday we will all be able to find a reason to smile again.

Jannie


13
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 14, 2010, 10:08:58 AM »
Hi All,

I'm off to work in about another half an hour--it's raining hard here finally--we sure need it, and it's nice to get a break from the awful heat of the past couple of weeks, although the humidity still continues.  So much for the weather report!

Karen, it's good that you are continuing with the driving.  I'm sure Johnny would be so proud of you!  The highway driving will be hard for you, I'm sure.  It's not easy being on the road these days--just take it slow and be careful out there.  Sorry about your blood pressure, but stress can do that to a person.  I'm surprised with all the work-outs that you've been doing that it is so high.  I, too, have been eating all the wrong things since Charlie died, but lately I have been getting back on track. 

Not much else going on--another day without Charlie, another day of trying to survive this miserable deck of cards that we have been dealt.  I find myself getting through most days now without crying, but I still feel numb and sad most of the time.  I know it will be a long time before this feeling lessens, if ever.  I wonder why I have been left here every day--no kids, no family, no life any more. 

I am trying to plan a cruise for myself in the late fall/early winter just to have something to look forward to.  My friend from Florida has offered to go with me, but I don't think I can stand being with her for that long, especially having to room with her!  I like her, but I have travelled with her before, and she drives me crazy!

I have so much reading to do--books, magazines, financial reports--I just have no desire.  I have taken the same book to the pool with me for about a month now, and I haven't even opened it!  I watch a lot of movies from Netflix at night, and it does divert my mind from my grief for a few hours until I can fall asleep (another tough one for me)!

Well, rain has let up a little, and I need to get my recycling can in, so I will stop here.

Hoping everyone has a peaceful day and evening,


Jannie




14
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 12, 2010, 05:55:41 PM »
Good evening all,

Long day--worked from 10 till 6, so I am tired tonight.  I didn't sleep very well last night either. 

A couple that Charlie and I knew from our village here were in the store today, and I stopped them to say hello.  They had not heard about Charlie's death and were really shocked.  It was hard to tell them what had happened and still do my job after that, but I managed to get on with it. 

Karen, I'm sorry about the truck, but I'm sure it had to be sold.  It's just another piece of Johnny being ripped from your life, I'm sure.  Like Charlie's house being sold.  I would try not to make any major decisions about moving right now--you are where you are comfortable right now and should not be rushed into anything.  A woman I know who used to live here who lost her husband several years ago sold her home and moved in with her kids.  She ended up being a full-time babysitter with no life of her own.  She is sorry she made the move. 

I agreed to go on a dinner cruise next Tuesday night with a group of people from the village.  I'm not sure I really want to do it because most of the people going will be couples, I'm sure, but my friend Judy talked me into it.  It's an early bird cruise from 6:00 till 8:30, so I guess I can survive it.  Hope they have a bar on board!!!

I came home from work tonight and burst into tears thinking about how Charlie and I always missed each other so much when I was at work and how we looked forward to seeing each other when I got home.  I see him everywhere and miss him so much it hurts.

Hoping everyone is doing okay and wishing you peace and a good day tomorrow,

Jannie



15
Main / Re: Still Asking Why
« on: July 10, 2010, 04:57:15 PM »
Hi all,

I am just relaxing after spending two days with my friend and her son (he's 7).  We went to the beach, to the pool, to the boardwalk, and shopping, and I am beat!  I was not up to entertaining, but I have been friends with Joan for many, many years and could not say no to her.  And I just adore the little one.  She had him later in life, and he is such a cutie.  He is always hugging me, and I sure could use those hugs now!  It was nice to be with them, but I am glad to be by myself again.  It's hard being with other people 24/7 even though we love them.

Poppy, July 8th would have been my husband's 70th birthday.  Although I will always miss him and thought of him on that day, my thoughts are always about Charlie these days.  I lost my husband in 1998, and I waited a long time for Charlie to come along.  Now he is gone too.  Life is so unfair.  Asking WHY is something we all do.  Unfortunately, there are no answers in this world, and we ultimately have to accept that and move on, or we will drive ourselves crazy.

Loved him, your horoscope is not silly.  It makes a lot of sense.  I know that my emotions are making me do and say things that I would not ordinarily do or say.  I flew off the handle at the nail place the other day because they were making me wait so long, and the owner realized that I was upset and said to sit down--that they would take me right away.  I know that my pain is talking when I do things like that.

Karen, did you happen to see that HBO special "No One Dies in Lily Dale?"  I saw it the other night and thought of you.  It was fascinating, although I am a little skeptical about it all.  For those of you who have HBO, it is a special that is being shown a lot this month (check your local listings) and worth watching.  It's about mediums in upstate NY who communicate with those who have passed on.  Karen, you are right, no matter what, they are still gone from us.  We still cannot hold or touch them or be with them in the physical world even if we believe they are still with us in spirit, and that is so very hard to accept.

Hoping everyone has a peaceful evening and a better tomorrow.

Hugs,
Jannie





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