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Messages - angelicmom27

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Grief not related to deaths / Touching base.
« on: January 02, 2011, 07:56:36 PM »
ok, since i really look at webhealing as a home to me as well. (i know its werid. but everyone here is so nice and supoortive and they give it to u straight. so i thought i would just touch base. now that the holidays are over.

It was a hard holiday season, having my grandfather not here with us. And going thru this roller coaster with my husband or whatever his title is.. I swear i dont know whats there and whats not. but i,m starting to really get to a place for me. yes i enjoy having him around, but same time i know to be on guard and not to totally belive all he is saying.

I had a bag of things i needed to take to a friend that her daughter had left at my husband during our marriage had a thing for my friend and yes actted on it..and so now its like he is thinking of reasons to be aorund her.he got her # out of my cell today while i was napping *not feeling well* for the reason of sending her wallpapers for her phone..its messed up and something i think he expects me to get mad about he took the bag of stuff without telling me my son told me daddy had it.. but i just blew it off like ok my friend will take the stuff and be short with him so no big deal really if he thinks he will get far there he will be a joke but ok. why get mad like he wants really.

My kids go back to school tomorrow they are soo thrilled so its a good thing i will have alittle me time to start studdying for school that i start on the I do miss having my husband be by my side but i thik he is just really wandering rught now and if thats what he wants for himself fine but i need some type of guide in life.

Its taken me a few months to get to that point i still feel lost and hopeles but i,m trying to start 2011 off well.. its scary and i,m not sure how great it will be but i,m trying so thats something..

Grief not related to deaths / Re: What would you Do!
« on: December 30, 2010, 01:46:12 PM »
thank u ill check into that book.its fitting me more and more daily..thanks

Grief not related to deaths / Re: What would you Do!
« on: December 26, 2010, 08:59:50 PM »
yes , he is blaming me for this in many ways. And actting like its normal to have this time period of hiself not knowing what he wants and leaving thigns so in the air and that be totally ok.
I do plan to get into couseling he doesnt want to go. but i will and hopefully yes get some type of help..because daily i feel so lost and like i,m drowning thru all this..and being  a mother of three i need to be at my best and i,m so not my best right now. i,m physical really just struggling day to day. mentally, i feel so much of me is shutting down.
I do believe in my marriage and i cant seem to let it go even tho its right there he asked for a divorce yes hes come back closer to me and the kids but he hasnt ever taken back what he said and i doubt he will.  Its just very hard to let go of something so close to my heart. I dont know why i,m holding on when at face-value. he really doesnt seem to care or lvoe me. he seems to be really trying to tear apart the last ten years and make it to be nothing.  all to make himself feel better. I so dont get this but i do hope i can get some help. hopefully this state offers couseling that could help me.
I want to keep everything that everyone tells me that its Him not me..but its hard to see that after i leave this site or hear those words because whats so wrong with me that he cant love me. that he just wants to walk away. why cant my kids and our family be enough for him.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: What would you Do!
« on: December 26, 2010, 09:51:28 AM »
thank you, I find it very helpful to get out side insight on things because i know i,m living it and yes its very real. so i have a hard time understanding if my choices are made by emitions or by factors i,m detailing with.

And yes i agree i think couslouing would be a great start, my husband has been pushing me into it for myself to make me all better. but i think it could do us both good.

It's so hard for me to figure out what i want because i,m still fully believeing in my marraige and yet whats truly left of that. I cant stand alone and be successful in a marriage..
I wish he would just make up his mind.

Grief not related to deaths / What would you Do!
« on: December 25, 2010, 09:52:26 PM »
I,m dealing with something that most would probably say is normal in life but with me. I feel overwhelmed and at my breaking point.
I lost my grandpa 7 months ago. and then a month ago my husband tells me he isnt in love with me anymore and wants to leave me for another women. So i move my kids and my life to another state to start over. and a week and half after getting here he's figured out that he doesnt want to be away from the kids.Figured out the other woman wanted more then he was willing to give so they never gave it a shot. But he's back in the kids life, wont really say much Its so hard living day to day not knowing what i really have in life. he said he's over the other woman about 93%. so what does that really tell me. I,m so lost and confused. I,m trying to keep it together for my three boys. And i have enrolled in CNA classes to better myself. but after 10years i,m still in love with this man, I still want to be with him (even after the damage and pain he has caused). I dont know how to move on and let go. I want to hold on to the kisses and the hugs. and even just being able to look into his eyes.

but i,m also getting so lost in the unknown with him, He is playing a game within him self and i dont want to get crushed over and over.

 To try to keep this as short as possiable. My husband of 10 yrs asked me right before thanksgiving for a divorce. used a lame mistake ive done as the reason when really its another woman in the waiting from his past they havent seen each other for 17 years but webcam chat, talk on the phone and text..and they are madly in love with each. Well the reason why i,m messed up tonight is because yes ive been around him for the past month till we could part with the hope of success for my three little boys all under 7 yrs old. He's said that he is very lite on his feelings towards her and shes way into him. but stuipdly i belived that. Then I couldnt stop myself from grabing his cell tonight which is linked to his facebook page and went thru messages from them. Love you and i love you. and so much more was there. I know that i brought it on myself by looking but i thought i would see exactly what he said it was mainly her and not him.  I feel so broken already for this happening with all else that i,m dealing with but knowing he's truly been lieing to me even after he was asked my professionals for my life safetly to not talk to her when i,m around. he has been and ive been a fool to think he paused what they had. Ten years thrown away like trash and yet i love him and dont want to let go.  how can he be so cruel so heartless to me and the kids..why didnt we mean anything. why...
whats to freaking speical about this woman that he goes to great lengthens to being with and moving in with the moment he gets my uhaul unloaded tomorrow hes gone back to oregon get his stuff and head to move into her place.  I know i really know i brought this on myself but i wasnt expecting it. i wanted to belive in one word he says and i cant. I really cant. I,m alone with no family but my kids.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: Divorce over the holidays~
« on: November 25, 2010, 02:09:35 PM »
Thanks AC-
yes it does make it so much harder knowing that there is someone else that i was so easily replaceable. That all the ups and downs i will go thru about this loss he will not be even touching that pain or heartache, since he will have a bright future with this other women with no responiables compared to life with three kids and one with health issues. knowing that he will be able to move on and see no problems with his descions or choices. His parents both agree within less then a year he will come back to me. What i will say or do at that point i dont know. but he doesnt do well with being ALONE. It's hard because i dont want to move on i wanted my life how i had it. even with the ups and downs. I keep reminding him your choices may seem great right now but facing all that you have caused me and the kids and cont to do so may be something to stick with us forever and i would hate that it would be a wall that he couldnt get over or down or whatever with his kids with me i dont see any future. If i,m this easy to replace for the second time why wouldnt a third be just as easy. I am trying to focus on my future with the kids. and getting thru this time and making the best of a new path to create. But with every day he comes with more demands from the next the lastesst is he wants to get our 7 yr a cell phone to call daddy any time he wants i said not an opition waaste ur time and money but not one moment would it be used.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: Divorce over the holidays~
« on: November 22, 2010, 01:04:38 AM »
Thanks, I plan on updating often, this is like my safe place to talk. when we actually part ways for the final time soon. then its gonna hit me and i,m gonna need to sleep for days. And i will live with the gut feeling that someday he will regret this choice, and relize all he gave up for a risky relationship and a different life style. I told him i really hope it was all worth it. i really do.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: Divorce over the holidays~
« on: November 21, 2010, 01:04:10 PM »
yeah thats what i plan on doing focus on them i dont start school till jan 15th so over the holidays i plan to just be mom. and get thru them. and try to help them thru this as well as get myself thru it. i just feel so much like shuting down, closing off the world. It's almost like i dont want life to go on. I know i need to for my kids. but knnowing that my husband is really moving on and already in a relationship its like not even a glance back and what he is leaving.  it really takes alot out of you.

Grief not related to deaths / Divorce over the holidays~
« on: November 20, 2010, 06:43:30 PM »
I know alot of people face this changelle every day. but DIVORCE seems so overwhelming becoming a single mom of three boys. being left for another woman. The overwhelming feeling that i wasnt ever good enough that i was just a second best till he found someone more to his likly tho yes we were together 10 yrs.. hes throwing it away all before the holidays and walking away to go to her. I want to hate him so much and yet i love him and wish this wasnt happening, i still care. Even after all the pain he is cont. to put me and the boys thru saying he loves her and she has things that i could never be or want to be. I feel meaningless, moving to another state. having no family but my in laws. which i feel like the kids will always have the rights but being an ex wife what does that really make me to his parents. I dont expect to be held in the same light. but at the moment they are so shocked and upset that hes doing this that they are here for me and not even speaking to my soon to be ex..
the worse part of this is i just have this gut feeling maybe its me thinking too highly. but i feel like that what hes going to isnt going to  last its going to be nice for a while then wear off and he will regret his choices leaving his kids a wife of 10yrs. and then what. what do i do then. knowing his so this and that and with whom ever.  we have had a changelling last two years and it was starting to turn around but not in time for him. he wasts the eaiser lesss stressful life the life that yes is hard when u have kids and sturgllle with life. so sure someone with no kids and just her self to worry about who wount want that.
so lost just so lost. and scared

Main / Re: What would you do..Please i,m open to advice
« on: November 19, 2010, 10:11:19 PM »
Thanks even tho you havnt gone thru the divorce part of this being a single mom part matters just as much. I am scared having three boys 7-6-4 is something i never thought i would face alone. I do have my well soon to be ex-husbands family they dont understand his reasoning either and have taken me and the kids under their wings and yes it bothers me that they choose me over their son. They are being a true family,which as his mom said is more then he can say.
 I hope to let me friends be there for me but as this has effected me, i feel so scared to let anyone close as i have gotten so crushed and hurt from letting my husband get so close to me and become someone that i depended on.
 Right now i,m facing that before i move to idaho his mom and step mom are wanting to see me and the kids but NOT him and at the moment i dont have my own car so me and just the kids going 4 hrs away without him isnt likly so yet another changelle, i feel like they keep pouring in.  Ive heard being a single mom is the hardest thing but also most rewarding, so i hope to see that light. i hope that yes i can make my kids feel lucky and loved and be all that they need weather their dad plays a part in their life 100% or off and on or not at all.
anyone with any advice please, i,m listening with any helpful ieas. facing thishas been a nitemare.

Main / Re: As the Holidays Approach
« on: November 19, 2010, 05:58:54 AM »
Thanks that helps me at this moment too. losing my grandfather in june and now getting a divorce before christmas and becoming a single mom of three. I need to see some hope so thanks, Its nice to know people on here support each other.

Main / What would you do..Please i,m open to advice
« on: November 19, 2010, 05:40:34 AM »
A week and a half ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce period. He found someone else and lvoes her and wants to move on to that. We have three kids. And i,m a mom that doesnt have a car we have his and only his. So far we have been living together trying to figure out a way to get me a car to move to idaho and start my life as a single mom. I,m having anixety attacks so bad that a health speicality told him to stop at least talking to this other women while i,m present. if he leaves the house then fine contact her who cares. but yes because i still love him and care and i,m trying to treasure for my kids and stuipdy for myself the time that i do have left with him. And so i do make it hard for him to get away to call her. hell i look at it this way 10 yrs i deserve him to at least pause starting this till we part..if shes that important then dont sit here and say i still care about you i,m here for you. When really SHEs that important.
Well tonight he made a comment abotu that he hasnt been able to call her in two days. I was like big deal she will be there waiting for you when you leave me. Whats the problem with being with your family he doesnt want to stick around for christmas if he had his way and resources we would be gone before thanksgiving so. putting her on the back burner for a week or little more. Shouldnt matter. but i,m at the point where as bad is it will hurt. I,m abotu ready to say hell get on a bus leave me the truck once we get the resources to get me to idaho and away from you u can come back help me with that and be done with me. i wil give him a litle money but over all his bank card will be turned over to me beforee leaves to go to her. (no reason why i should pay for them to enjoy themselves.  but i feel the kids do deserve their dad to be here as long as he can before we are miles away and out of his life. he seems to be so focused on her. I,m just torn. it does give me anixety attacks having him tak to her she gets all the details about me and what i,m feeling and they are linked to each other and i get the heat when his parents are upset to how hes acting towards me for doing this to such a family and kids.
ANy suggestions would be so helpful..thanks

Main / Re: When does it END!
« on: November 17, 2010, 01:11:58 PM »
Went into the dr, today to try to get help thru my meds for anixety and depression. And yet again, all are shocked of how someone could put a person thru this at a time in my life. timing with this is a factor and it sucks. but also unchangeable. If its not thing its another. Everyone is wondering what could help because someone faced with all that i am, is set up for a big crash. its not like they dont want to see if they can make it less they all are but maybe theres truly no answer no help to get me thru so much. this is a pretty awful thing for him to put me thru and be so uncaring it should give me strengthen but all it gives me is sadness that he feels that let down by me that this is really the right move and totally ok to do. 
 Like ive said i really hope that he does come to his senses but at the same time i hope that ive got enough strengthen builded up and courage not to just fall for the set up again and at least make it something that we have to build and grow slowly. then again maybe he just wont come back to me for a relationship at all. maybe thats truly what he doesnt EVER want.

Main / Re: When does it END!
« on: November 16, 2010, 10:36:50 PM »
Ok in regards to my husband, yes i think he will see them and contact them us moving out of state by his choice wil make it harder but he set the road. I hope that the kids will understand. I hope to get enough strengthen to be what i need to be for them.  We havent had a family meeting yet since the date of when i leave with the kids is unknown (we are trying to set up where i go and getting a car so i can take care of the kids).

on to my grandfather.

I was his first grandaugter. He always said your my number one grandaughter first and of course favorite. he always praised me for little or big things. my grandparents raised me more then my mom did. so being there for my grandparents when their health started failing wasnt hard. we lost my grandma to a blood clot (which no one saw coming). i came back for my grandpa and helped him thru the first 3 weeks of losing grandma and then i had to go back oregon. but a few months later i moved back to idaho and at first i was 2 hrs away and came up weekly to check on him and had neigbors keeping me up updated daily. then i started seeing that even with my visits it wasnt enough. so i moved in with him and took on taking care of my three childern with speical needs as well as his daily health and all that came with life. meeds. meals. bills.  i was a nurse over nite learning all about meds and oxgen levels and its was stressful. wondering if i was doing everything right but i feel like i did my best but why i feel like i failed was he was ok with dieing and i feel like i did something to make him choose death over life.

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