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Messages - slippingaway

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Grief not related to deaths / Re: I don't know what to do...
« on: May 01, 2009, 04:12:51 AM »
Thanks Lauren! You are really helping me. But really, I'm fine. My mum has said some wonderful and I truly appreciate her for all that she has done for me. The reason why she doesn't really spend that much time with me or talking to me is because of my brother.

He doesn't share the same maturity as myself and the ability to be reliable and have common sense to do tasks for himself. He is failing at school not because he isn't smart but because he really doesn't study all that too hard so therefore, mum has to concentrate on my brother instead of me. That is why I feel so neglected but I know I can always talk to my friends and I know that my mum appreciates me as well.

I will always love my mum. Thank you so much Lauren. I am fine and I don't think I will be depressed at all now because I have a large support group even if they are not there in person. So thank you.

Natasha


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Grief not related to deaths / Re: I don't know what to do...
« on: April 28, 2009, 02:20:49 PM »
Thank you for all your help Seven and Lauren however, the fact of the matter is that I get depressed sometimes, not all of the time. This website to me, is just somewhere where I can just let it out and not be descriminated by my friends about what I've said.

I tried the school counsellor twice. My mum got mad at me and said get over it. It was just that one time in the self-defense class that I cracked and cried. The school counsellor already knows about my sexual abuse and I acknowledge the fact that at age 9, I could not have done anything to prevent my abuse. Besides, it's a part of being human; wanting to let things go and move on from it.

If I am alone, then it can be very dangerous and I do get depressed but when I am talking to others or even being around them...I feel as though I am not alone. I have learned that. My mother once said, "I am so proud of you. You have qualities that even I don't have...The ability to pick yourself up and keep on going." I think if I think of what my mother said to me, that I can snap out of the depression that I sometimes go through.

I'll listen to songs that make me want to make up my own dance moves too or even read a book as you suggested. And now it's been almost a week from when I was depressed. I do not feel alone, afraid of what is coming tomorrow or that I am weak and completely useless.

Many, many thanks,
Natasha

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Grief not related to deaths / Re: Pain and Low Self Esteem
« on: April 26, 2009, 12:27:20 AM »
Hey squared! I know what you're talking about. Even though I'm probably younger, I still experienced what you are feeling. I had no friends whatsoever in Primary School. Boys and Girls treated me as if I was an alien from another planet, not girly enough to hang out with the other girls and too boyish to hang out with the boys. I spent most of my time, hiding in the school's toilets crying, in the car crying to my mum. I went through counselling and it did nothing except make me feel like a complete idiot. No one wanted to hear my stories or opinions. I was bullied physically as well as mentally and was tempted to change schools.

Then came High School. It was the first day and everyone else was nervous. At lunchtime, I knew no one and just sat by myself. Then, a group of seven girls wanted me to join them. I was so happy! As time passed, I made more and more friends until we have a group of 22 people who value me for who I am and THAT has made up for all 7 years of misery that I have gone through. Everyone listens to each others stories and we laugh and have fun. There is always someone that you can go to.

So...my advice is...don't worry, be patient because some good will come soon and it will make up for the misery you are suffering now I assure you. Also, stick with who you are. You shouldn't care about what your brother thinks about your outfit. You are who you are. You can try and change the way you are by putting on the "right" clothes but I'm sure that won't make a difference. It's their loss to not be friends with the beautiful person you are. Wherever you are, just grab someone new and talk to them, it may be awkward but it'll be really rewarding.
Don't sit in silence. No one will notice that you are suffering unless you tell them. Speak up, Speak out and it WILL get better.

Natasha

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Grief not related to deaths / Re: I don't know what to do...
« on: April 26, 2009, 12:04:21 AM »
Thank you so much for all of your help Lauren! It is so good to just get it off my chest. I will stay towards the Light. I feel so much better and will try my best to be more optimistic.

The trouble is that I don't want to go and talk to my parents because 1) they will think I'm overreacting or 2) they will get a counsellor that will do nothing for me.

I've already been to a counsellor before when I wasn't motivated to do school work when I had glandular fever and they did nothing then. Just say that I am a very nice person and smile a bit and then the second time from when I cried during a Self-Defense class because I thought of when I was sexually abused by one of my close family relatives. I told mum about it as well but she thought that I was overreacting and should just get over it. I have but still, the counsellor or my parents did not do anything to make me feel better really.

I'm going to school tomorrow and I'll talk to my friends then. I'll talk to my best friend about what happened because she seemed really upset when I tried to talk to her. She becomes depressed sometimes that she won't come out for anything other than food and water. She is the only one that I know that gives me good advice but even now, I believe that I am losing her as well as myself.

Thank you anyway for helping. Ever since I found this website and put my true feelings down, I feel so much better. I will keep on trying to be more positive and go towards the light.

Many thanks,
Natasha

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Grief not related to deaths / Re: I don't know what to do...
« on: April 25, 2009, 04:06:34 PM »
Thank you so much Lauren! I've been using the one where I write down what I'm feeling and it's kind of relaxing. So here's some of the things that I write down...

I don't know what to do.
I feel as if I'm being pulled;
One way towards the light,
And the other; Darkness
The Darkness is winning this fight.
The Light is struggling to keep a hold of me
Slowly, slipping away.

I used to hear voices coming from the Light.
Now, they are nothing more than strained whispers,
Covered by the cold, harsh wind of realing blowing in my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No one is listening,
No one can hear my scream for help.
They have turned their backs
And closed their eyes
To the burning fire swallowing me.~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel the wall are closing in on me.
There's no cracked glass, no doors,
No escape to the blackhole
I'm spiralling into.

I feel like I'm on an island.
Isolated, cold and surrounded by sharks.
No one to call to.
No one listening.
Nothing.

Well...what do you think? Pretty scary, eh?

6
Grief not related to deaths / I don't know what to do...
« on: April 25, 2009, 04:32:07 AM »
I don't know what to do. I mean, I reckon I have a great support group. 22 friends in fact. 2 of them are my best friends. I try to call one of them up to talk when I'm feeling down but they are not there. Recently, I've been crying myself to sleep at night. Feeling lonely, that no one is listening, that I'm all alone. I don't want to inconvenience them at 9:30PM at night so I cry in my room by myself. I don't want my parents to get involved either because they have already done so much for me and I don't want to trouble them.
Now I know this sounds really dramatic but I've been thinking of death. How easy it would be but fortunately, I can talk myself out of it because I'm too scared of the pain that comes with it, not losing my friends and family pain but the physical pain.

Sometimes, it just gets to me. I'll be all alone in my house all day and I just feel really sad and depressed. This time, I rung my friend up and her mum answers, she goes to get my friend and says that it's me on the phone but I hear my friend screaming, "I don't care. I simply just don't care."

I don't know why I get so down all the time. I have plenty of friends, enough food, water and a big house under my head. I shouldn't be complaining but now...I just don't know what to do. Am I overreacting? Did I do something wrong? What should I do?

Please help me.

Thank you,
Natasha (15 years)

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