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Messages - jillsmom

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Child Loss / Re: When my Dan was little
« on: November 11, 2009, 05:02:51 PM »
Would love to see a picture of Farmer Dan if you can post one!

Child Loss / Re: Everything is so still
« on: November 11, 2009, 04:58:18 PM »
So tired, so sad, that says it all. We can be grateful for the blessings in our lives and torn apart by the pain all at the same time. Do our lives make sense? NO! But, we love each other and it keeps us from flying into tiny pieces.
wishing you some peace,

Child Loss / Re: I need advice and suggestions, please
« on: November 11, 2009, 04:53:42 PM »
I've been thinking about this, too, especially since I have no other children and no grandchildren. Aside from those living in a monastery, we all need things, even if it's very few. Getting rid of what you don't need now is a start to making it easier for Tanis in the future. Nobody ever asked me or my husband to provide an inventory of any of our parents' estates. Especially with small estates, I don't think you have to. I think my husband and I will put names on some objects and let the nieces and their children decide about the rest. We have some everyday, humdrum objects from our parents' homes that make us smile to use them in our own lives. You never know what might have meaning for Tanis when she's older; she wouldn't have any idea now if you asked her!

I think for myself, the worry about the things is just a small part of realizing that every part of my future is not going to be what I expected and was preparing for. So, I am trying to let go of the worry and let my life reconstruct itself. I am just too tired to try to be in control of it any more.

my love to you,

Child Loss / another
« on: October 30, 2009, 11:32:09 PM »
So many conversations with my friend Susan about her son and my daughter. Our kids were the same age, grew up together at our church, kept in touch after graduation. We worried so much about how they would grow up, if they would find their way, would they be able to overcome the obstacles in their lives. She has been by my side as I have grappled with the loss of Jill. Now, two days ago, the call came from a NY detective, her son had been found. Gone, by himself, 3000 miles from home, by his own hand. To have both of them gone in the same year is so unbelievable. I am doing what I can for her. It is so little compared to what she needs. She needs her son back. I just hate that she has to join this world.
with a heavy heart, Kay Jill's mom

Child Loss / Re: Again, pictures
« on: October 23, 2009, 05:22:32 PM »
I feel that way too. How can all the vitality and beauty in that face be gone?

Child Loss / Halloween
« on: October 17, 2009, 02:22:46 PM »
I thought I was OK with Halloween. It's been years since Jill was home for Halloween, so I don't expect her to be here. I enjoy the children in their costumes. Our church makes an offrenda, an altar in memory of the dead, so I know I will have a place to honor Jill.

Then, walking past the stores near us, the windows filled with decorations including jokey tombstones. I just don't find anything funny about graves right now. I thought immediately of all of you who have graves that you visit and are so special to you. I guess this just another example of the "simple statement" that Rebecca spoke of, just part of having to deal with a world that we're no longer a part of.

thinking of you all
Kay Jill's mom

« on: October 17, 2009, 02:08:20 PM »
I'm so sorry for your dear son. You have lost so much. All the life you were going to have together with him. My 21-year-old daughter died this past February, completely unexpected, and life now feels like some bad dream. I too have need of the medications and doctors, but I don't expect anything different. It takes so much just to get through each day. I hope your support is helping you. My heart goes out to you.
with love, Kay (Jill's mom)

Child Loss / Re: A simple statement, brought on tears
« on: October 17, 2009, 02:01:32 PM »
It's too bad we can't filter what we read and hear. We never know when a "simple statement" will blindside us. I know what you mean.

Child Loss / Re: Dominic - Son of KerryP ~ New member
« on: October 14, 2009, 12:19:59 AM »
Dear Kerry, you ask how to get through these first weeks. I look back to when my first daughter died in the NICU at seven months. The social worker at the hospital met with me weekly. Our HMO gave counseling to my husband and me. The NICU nurses organized a support group for parents of babies who had died. Is there anything like that at Dominic's hospital? If not at his hospital, perhaps another one? It is so painful to be a mom without a child to care for. My husband and I concentrated on having another child; it gave us a purpose. We also devoted a lot of our time to our daughter's hospital and to the babies who were still there. You may find comfort in making things for Dominic's classmates. For me, it was baby blankets for the NICU babies. You might even want to be a volunteer in his friends' class; the children would be very accepting of you, in my experience. They don't have the superstitions about "catching death" from you that grown-ups do. And finally, if you need to stay home and do absolutely nothing at all, then that is what is right for you. I just wish you didn't have to walk this path!
with love, Kay (Lizzie and Jill's mom)

Child Loss / Re: a sign?
« on: October 13, 2009, 11:50:44 PM »
I just can't figure out how she did it!!!! She doesn't have a body any more, after all. But, I know she is here, and I know she is seeing how we're trying to cope with the report and all. I miss her so much.

Child Loss / a sign?
« on: October 12, 2009, 11:24:41 PM »
This happened a few days ago. I found a segment of a bracelet on the floor in the sunroom. A little picture of an angel. The thing is, Jill gave me the bracelet in the week before she died. It was one of those trinkets that she'd had from somewhere, maybe even from me, but she suddenly decided I needed a present, and she picked up the first thing she saw and came and gave it to me. "I got this for you Mommy." She was always doing that, with me and her friends. She just had to give away what she was given. So here it is, eight months after she's gone. The bracelet has been in the drawer of my nightstand. How did a piece of it get into another room? I feel she's reminding me that she's my angel, and I'm grateful. But bewildered!

Child Loss / Re: Happy Heavenly Birthday "Dan" ((((( Annie )))))
« on: October 12, 2009, 11:02:17 PM »
Dear Annie, you've been such a support for me since I joined the board. I feel Dan's presence through you. I am glad he was with you for his birthday.
with love, Kay (jill's mom)

Child Loss / Re: Suicide - SENSATIVE
« on: October 12, 2009, 10:54:52 PM »
I'm sorry Rebecca. For us, for your friend's family, for our children - I am just so sorry.

Oh my. I know. My sweet darling girl thought that she could do anything, take any risk, and always have another chance. That poor boy had no idea there were actions that don't have "one more chance." If the parents are like me, they are feeling that any sense in their lives is gone, and they are living in some twilight zone. The people who say there is a purpose in such an accident are simply trying to protect themselves from it happening to them, as though saying "he deserved it" will protect their own families from the same fate. I am so sorry, Melissa, for the feelings this incident has renewed.
your friend, Kay (Jill's mom)

Child Loss / Re: coroner's report
« on: October 01, 2009, 06:01:08 PM »
Of course, Annie! I always want to hear from you.
lots of love, Kay

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