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Messages - Linda

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1
Child Loss / Re: My Baby Brother
« on: May 16, 2008, 10:29:06 AM »
Rebecca......

I, too, lost my younger brother suddenly in 1991.  He was 40 years old...and my best buddy.  I then cared for my husband for 10 years before his death in 1998, then my Mom died in an auto accident on the same day of the week and exactly like my dear son, Matt, died....making a left hand turn onto a highway in a rainy day.

My mom pounded me into the ground....yelling at me constantly that she hoped I never lost a child.  I have....and I'm not sure she knows.

NOTHING, NOTHING compares to the loss of my Matt....my son.  I was just starting to heal from my other losses and he left me.  The light of my life.

I don't admit all of my losses to many.....one after another. I feel like a cursed woman.  A freak.  It's just my daughter and I now.  I suppose I should be happy that I don't have to deal with a sister or brother who simply don't get it.  Family who moved on long ago while I'm still stuck in limbo.

You take care of you. 

Blessings to all,
Linda

2
Child Loss / A heartfelt hello to everyone.....
« on: April 20, 2008, 03:55:13 PM »
Dear ones,

I don't post often.  In fact, since the new board was created, I've only visited a couple of times.

Lately, though, I've re-visited and have been reading the posts.  I look at the pictures of your dear children and shake my head in sadness.  As I don't often have the time to respond individually, I want to offer my sincerest sympathies to the new members.  Losing a child is the greatest loss of all.  May you find the strength to endure and realize some peace of mind.

After 3 long years, I still struggle to find that peace......

Blessings,
Linda
Mattsmom
(Matthew Paul Bloom)
Born on 9/14/76
Left me on 5/23/2005

3
Child Loss / Re: Overwhelming Sad Today
« on: April 20, 2008, 03:40:36 PM »
Hi Rebecca.......

I have had two major surgeries since Matt left me.  Had my second hip replaced a year afterward....and went into it fearless.  Like I was having a tooth pulled.  If I woke up fine, if I didn't, that was fine, too.

Last May, I ended up in the hospital with an abcess due to Diverticulitis.  The abcess had perforated the colon, but the infection did not spill into the abdominal cavity.  I almost had to have emergency surgery but kept praying to my Matt that I recover.  I recovered but, ultimately, had a colon re-section 2 months later.  Also went into that surgery thinking if I kept sleeping....it would be okay.

THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY MIND that losing Matt exacerbated my colon problems.  I thought I had IBS and it was brutal.  I just lived with it....never thinking I had Diverticular Disease....until last May.

My hip replacement was done because I couldn't stand the physical pain on top of the emotional pain.  Matt took care of me during my first replacement.  He wouldn't leave the house after work....he'd have all of his buddies come over and they'd hang out.  Didn't want to leave Mom alone......

Sigh.......

Besides our loss causing incredible emotional pain, it can certainly  physical problems.  I take care of myself because of my daughter.  She and I are the only ones left of my immediate family.

Like Judy said....you take care of you.  There are days I just want to give up, too.  Makes me nuts thinking I'll be 61 on Matt's Angel Date and I'm still here.....and he's not.  It's more than my tired, old brain can fathom.

Blessings,
Linda
Mattsmom

4
Child Loss / Re: HI Im new here and want to share my story
« on: April 18, 2008, 04:04:04 PM »
Awwwwww Caydensmommy......I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious boy.  What a tragedy.

Yes, our world as we know it stops when we lose our child.  We can't imagine living our lives without them in it.  You are so early into this grief journey, and please know that the incredible, overwhelming pain softens some with time.

Please be kind to yourself, take each moment as it comes, and hold your Cayden close to heart and mind......where he is with you still.

Blessings and love,
Linda
Mattsmom



5
Child Loss / Re: What does this mean?
« on: April 12, 2008, 10:11:30 AM »
Hello after a long time away from the board.....

I used to be sort of a "regular" here after I lost my beautiful boy, Matt.  I come back now and then to read the posts and felt compelled to respond to Rebecca's post.

A little background.  My 28 year old son, Matthew, died in an auto accident on May 23, 2005 (my birthday).  I don't have to explain the shock, denial and pain to any of you and, after almost 3 years, I have to admit that my pain has softened just a little.  I never thought it could...or would.  Instead of thinking of Matt every second and seeing his beautiful face in my mind's eye every second, I now see him and think of him in minutes....sometimes 5, sometimes 10.  On a good day, maybe 30.  Seconds have turned into minutes.  That is the progress I've made in this grief journey.  That's how I gauge the "softening."

I have resigned myself to spending what's left of my life profoundly sad...in spite of other family members (I have a daughter, whom I adore), friends, 3 years of therapy, anti-depressants.  I simply cannot believe and accept that I am living my life without my son....so, instead, am living and functioning in my own little "make-believe" world.  While I realize Matt has died, I focus constantly on seeing him again some day.  I am not a particularly religious person but, spiritually, I have to believe that day will come.  I would surely lose what's left of my mind if I didn't.
I some times pretend that Matt's just gone for a while....that he's able to see me, but just can't contact me (altho he "visited" me not long ago and called out my name...."Mom."  Woke me up from a sound sleep.  I heard his voice plain as day).

I pick and choose very carefully who I socialize with.  I have made new friends and lost old ones during this period.  I avoid family gatherings to this day, am ashamed that the birth of a child makes me unhappy (envious) instead of happy, am upset that all of Matt's buddies have moved on...weddings, having children, etc.  I had a so-called friend tell me not long ago that Matt was in a "better place."  Really?  I snapped and told her that a better place was here with his Mom and sister.

I've realized that only me can lift me out of my dark hole when I fall in.  I can't depend on support from others who have moved on and, in all fairness, don't have a clue of the pain the loss of a child creates.  I live alone and am okay with that.  I don't have to deal with the family dynamics......

I don't have any magic words.  My heart is broken for you all.  Who would have thought those many years ago that we'd be alive and our precious son or daughter would not be?  I shake my head in disbelief every day.  I can only suggest you all ask your children to help you.  I ask Matt every day to help give me strength.  I think he hears me.......in my little make believe world.

None of us are the same people.  I try to be gracious and maintain some dignity.  I have chosen to try and be the Mom Matt knows and loves.  If he's watching me, I want him to be proud.

I would be honored if you visited his site at memory-of.com.  Just type in Matthew Bloom in the search windows....

Hello to some old friends and...to new members.....my blessings and love

Linda Bloom
Matts Mom


6
Child Loss / Re: Tattoo For My Son
« on: January 28, 2007, 12:54:22 PM »
Dear Don.....

A wonderful tribute to your precious son.

I got a tattoo on Matt's birthday, too.....a butterfly heart with the initial M in the middle of the heart.  My daughter got one also...the same day.

Seemed so appropriate, as Matt had several and he'd love it that his mama and sister honored him this way......

I don't post often, but send my love and hopes for us all to find comfort and peace.....

Linda
Matt's Mom Forever

7
Child Loss / Away for a while
« on: December 09, 2006, 08:45:58 PM »
Dear ones:

I see things have changed since I last popped in, but I  see some familiar names and, unfortunately, lots of new ones.  My heart breaks to know that more children are no longer with us.

I have to take the time to figure out how to post my Matt's picture.  Like all of you, I want to share his beautiful face with the world.  How I long to kiss that face.

I am now a year and a half into this grief journey and never know when I will fall into what I call my "black hole."  After almost a year of grief counseling and taking antidepressants, I've come to the realization that grieving is something I will do until I leave this earth and join Matt. 

I must confess that the pain has softened some.  I no longer feel as though I'm losing my mind (unless I fall into that hole I spoke of).  When that happens, I allow myself to wallow and stay there...isolated and alone. I dwell on Matt's death as though it happened yesterday.  I stay in the hole until I feel strong enough to struggle back up  and move on.  All the while, I go to work, drive back and forth like a robot....not knowing,sometimes, whether the light was green or red.

I keep busy.  Finally papered and painted the family room.  I tore the old paper from that room 3 months before Matt died and hadn't done a thing with it since.  I know that may sound trivial, but it's a big deal for me.  Part of my healing, I suppose.  Interested again in things that I could have cared less about a year ago.

This time of the year, as we all know, is extremely painful.  I still avoid family gatherings (not only my own, but other's).  I stare at young men I see driving or walking along who look like Matthew.  The pain is agonizing.  I avoid walking through the men's department in stores, and walk like I have blinders on in the grocery store for fear I'll spot one of his favorite foods.

I've had dreams of Matt...at first they were grim.  Lately, I dream of him as a younger child.  He's always young.  One in particular comforted me.  I saw his full face smiling and he was waving at me...saying "Hi Mom!"  That dream made me smile for weeks.  I want so badly to see him as he was when he left me.... a smiling and happy man.

I still hear the door slam in the wee hours of the morning (Matt was 28, after all).  I see shadows out of the corner of my eye...so real that I followed one to the basement stairs to see if someone was in the house.  Could it have been him?  I like to think it was.

So much more to say.....but another time.

I will say a prayer for all of you and your beautiful children tomorrow as I light a candle at the CF candlelight service.......

Blessings and peace,
Linda
Matt's Mom Forever




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