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Messages - SoLost

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Main / Re: Loss of a friend
« on: January 28, 2009, 10:34:40 PM »
Hello Mack,

First of all, nice name :-) Us Mack's have to stick together.

Anyway to the point, I also lost a very good friend of mine, different circumstances, but same set of problems to go along with it. I still think every time I get a text message, or a random email, that it will be from my friend, and it always hits me after the fact, that it will never happen again. But right now, you just have to take care of yourself. It's a long haul for sure, Lord knows I haven't finished yet, but you get better day by day. Though sometimes it may not seem so, you really do. Don't ever try to force the pain back, don't try to accommodate other people's ideas about how you should be handling things. Just do what you need to do, and that's it. Eventually, you'll find a way to honor this friend of yours, just as so many of us have done, like Grain plants flowers, and wears her sweater, I write poetry, there's always something to calm the storm inside your head, and your heart. I wish you all the best.

-Mack

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Main / Re: How can this be so painful?????
« on: January 27, 2009, 09:31:25 PM »
Carrie,

I've come here under quite different circumstances, but I'm here to tell you that you are ok. It's hard, I know. The what ifs just keep coming, and you just want them to stop, but truth is you can't do anything with them. I remember trying to force them to stop, and trying to explain my way through them, but really, I just came to the realization that the what ifs are meaningless. What has happened, has happened, and you can't change that, what will be, will be. The only job you have is to live your life day by day. It sounds like Laurence would've wanted you to take a positive spin on this, as you said he was very optimistic. But the most important thing about this response is for you to know that you are ok, and that you will heal. It just may take a little time.

Best wishes,
Mack

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Main / Re: The Serenity Prayer
« on: January 11, 2009, 09:25:56 PM »
Idk, I was just in chat, talking with Judy and Sandy, and they told me about it. So I looked it up, and this is what I found. They said the version they knew was shorter, but I rather like the longer version. To each his, or her, own  ::)

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Main / The Serenity Prayer
« on: January 11, 2009, 02:36:04 PM »
Full Original Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

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Main / Re: Chat Program is open for testing
« on: January 10, 2009, 01:25:42 PM »
Seems to work alright for me. Thanks.

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Main / Re: Help me please...
« on: December 13, 2008, 10:26:04 PM »
To all those that have posted, many thanks. I won't lie and say I have it all together, because I don't. But, I have most of it. As you all know, things are never the same after something like this happens. Your lifestyle changes, your sensitivities, and attitudes change. Everything. But I'm taking these changes in stride, as something that will make me better, rather than break me down. I hope everyone makes it through this holiday season relatively unscathed, and you will all be in my thoughts.

Linds: Yes, don't we all wish we could find that elusive "magical cure" but unfortunately, even with all the searching, no one is ever going to find it. I'm terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your brother so recently. But I am glad that you see his presence with you as a blessing. And for the record, I do not think you are on the crazy train, not even a little, because I have that same attitude about Garrett, as you do about your brother. Or at least most of the time I have that attitude. Thanks so much for your words, and my prayers are also with you.

Friedgen: I'm terribly sorry for your loss as well, the sudden part is the hardest I've decided. I do still find myself with the "What ifs?" sometimes, but I know now, there was nothing I could do. It was his time, and even if I had done something different that night, his time still would have come. My prayers are with you as well during this difficult holiday season.

Waterdragon: Yes, the circumstances were quite gruesome, and tragic in his case. And I know that if justice is not given in this life, it will be in the next. One way or another.  Thank you for your concern, but no worries, I'm starting to go on a generally even keel, putting things together. I shall remember your lesson though, "When you have cried your eyes out, got mad at the world and had your awful bad days go into the sun and let the warmth touch your soul." Maybe the sun will come out just for me, instead of the lovely overcast weather Ohio has during the winter  ;D

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Main / Re: Just Some Thoughts
« on: October 30, 2008, 03:39:02 PM »
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Some days, I just feel like a zombie, don't really remember a whole lot of what I've done sometimes.  But, then, some days are good, and I live for those days. I find it very unfair as I go through my classes and such, that Garrett isn't here to see the cool experiment in Chem 2, or to get his driver's license, and those are the times that I get very upset. But the perspective I've gained has straightened me out, and I know he is watching down on me, smiling and telling me to go get it. So that's what I do. Just go for it, and make each day count, because he had so few, now I've gotta carry on for both of us. I think forgetting would be a dishonor to the life he led, so me being stubborn, will put myself through hell remembering every last detail of every memory, but that's just how I choose to go about it.

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Main / Re: Whispers To Shouts?
« on: October 30, 2008, 03:31:47 PM »
I'm at about the same time period as you MommysPreciousAngel, and what I've found is that to quiet those shouts and silence the whispers, you just need to think of anyone and everything you love, and think of the joys you have. I know it is difficult to focus on those things, especially in those moments when the pain just washes over us, but if you focus hard enough, it comes through. The key for me, is to just view the positives as much as I can, because if I don't, then I start feeling nearly the same as you described.  As for no one understanding, and no one really listening, I agree with Kevin. People just don't understand sometimes, and they don't think before they speak, so the outcome is often not so great. But, I'm glad you've come here, and I wish you all the best.

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Main / Just Some Thoughts
« on: October 28, 2008, 07:01:17 PM »
Hello all.

I haven't posted in awhile, but since my last posts things have changed dramatically for me. Just had a few thoughts I thought I should share. Garrett was killed on Saturday, August 30, of this year. Since then, which has not been even two months yet, I've been surprised at the stuff I've learned about myself and about life.

Right away, I honestly can say I was pretty numb. Then, after two or three days of forgetting and then remembering what had happened, the enormity of it finally sunk in for me. I know you guys know what I'm talking about when I say that. For the next week and half, I didn't sleep or really eat all that much, felt pretty sick to my stomach. I went to his funeral, watched them bury him in the ground, and it was all so surreal to me. I felt like I was in a never-ending pit, free falling if you will, I lost my faith in the world, in God, and in myself. I still don't have a whole lot of faith in the world, but I'm at least functional now.  One thing that really was a slap in the face to me, was this verse: "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and not adversity? -Job 2:10." I came across it one night, just randomly opened my bible, and there it was staring at me. Really hit home for me, and I hope it does for some of you as well.  Another interesting thing, a good friend of mine said this to me: "It's important to not let this make you jaded. Get better, not bitter. You accomplish nothing by hating the world and being miserable, but can accomplish anything and everything with your newfound perspective, and the experience you draw from it." Just something to think on.

Idk, lots has happened, and continues to happen, and things are just changing. It still hurts every day to get up, I still have my moments when I just crumble, and I still always hold him in my mind and in my heart. But maybe, just maybe, through this agony things can take a turn up, and maybe we can all be better for the pain we've endured. God bless.

~SoLost


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Main / Re: A poem for my mom
« on: October 28, 2008, 05:27:22 PM »
Those were very beautiful Chris. Thanks for sharing them.

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Main / Re: Help me please...
« on: September 19, 2008, 09:24:09 PM »
Fridays are officially bad days. They used to be my favorite, the day before the weekend, and always guaranteed to have some fun. Another thing that always happened was Garrett and I would always talk, before I had to go march at the football games. We'd either meet somewhere, or talk on the phone, and catch up, maybe make some weekend plans. Today is the third Saturday since he was taken. Last night, I just had a breakdown before the game, it was my first one back, and someone called me, to ask a question probably, and I just broke down. For a moment, I had thought it was Garrett. Then I realized, yet again, that it will never be Garrett again. It just doesn't seem real to me a lot of the time, like I'm just in a bad dream and suddenly I'm gonna wake up, but I don't. I just crash and burn. Whenever I think about it, it's just like someone punched me in the chest, I just can't breathe. It's especially ironic that the last time I spoke to him was before band, Garrett played the sax, loved music and jazz, and it's so hard just to be around in band all the time, just because it always seems to be a reminder. I've had about three real nights of sleep since he was taken, everything else has been either all night no sleep, or very little sleep with not so good dreams playing in my head.

But, I'm trying to look at life positively, or at least as positively as possible for me right now. I know it's what he would want me to be doing. I did go to the doctor, basically told me just to sleep. Hasn't been working out so well. I know it's no use dwelling on it, the reality of it can never change, I just don't understand how I can be fine one moment, and then really not ok the next. It's like I'm bipolar, or crazy. No one is really sure what to make of me I guess. The only thing I can really tell them is that I miss him a lot.

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Main / On My Knees...
« on: September 14, 2008, 07:22:17 PM »
Dark circles under my eyes are only growing
I haven't slept well in a very long time
as the dizzying cycles in my head keep going
my mind accumulates this grime.

I'm slowly drowning in my own fear
floundering in my own anger.
Help me Lord, just hold me near
and save me as I come close to danger.

I just don't understand,
but then, how could I ever?
I still feel the pain I can't comprehend
I'm pulled down to my knees, forever.

It's not so much the drop that hurts,
it's the inability to rise back up
the way my tears come and go in spurts
when my will alone is not enough.

Sometimes I wish that it had been me,
that i had been there in your place
because, at least then, I wouldn't be so empty,
but then I guess we'd be gone together in blank space.

Here I come, full circle again,
back down on my knees, my face on the ground,
I don't know that I've ever been
as far down as I am right now.

It's just so hard to think that you're gone
I never dreamed this would happen.
Now I alone must face my demons,
lacking all hope of redemption.

Just thinking of what he did,
makes me horribly, physically ill
it was just a prank and you were just a kid,
I wish my mind would just be still.

I'm so ashamed of my reactions
I'm sorry I can't get a grip.
It's just that I can't get over my infractions
as I see the balance tip.

I no longer see the good in this world,
thought to me, it was once so prevalent.
Now all I see is hate and anger swirled
and everything else is irrelevant.

Of all the stupid things I've done
how am I somehow saved?
How did you, my friend, get murdered with a gun,
and I sit here unscathed?

At times I feel my anger seethe
at you and me and him.
It comes so suddenly to its peak
then my tears start to brim.

It breaks my silent misery
so hard I can scarcely breathe
and it is times like this that I can see
how badly I've been deceived.

And now my hands start shaking
with another epiphany,
these horrid thoughts are making
me quake down to my feet.

That man is still alive and well,
his actions left unchecked
and you lie cold and dead, as i dwell
upon the life you left.
-So Lost

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Main / Re: Help me please...
« on: September 14, 2008, 07:21:33 PM »
Thanks to all of you. I have one person that I've been sort of talking to, one of my teachers from freshman year, she was my favorite one. Mostly I write things, just lets me vent.

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Main / Help me please...
« on: September 13, 2008, 09:59:35 PM »
I have a friend who was murdered. Shot in the head. He was out egging cars, and I was supposed to go with him, but ended up not going because I was worn out from a football game, I'm in my school's marching band.  I didn't know that was what he had in mind, but I feel so responsible for his death.  I have a hard time focusing in my classes. Mornings are the worst for me, that was when my friend and I would always talk. I keep thinking I'm going to get a text message from him, or something, then I get a smack in the face, and I don't recover quickly from it.  I haven't slept well in over two weeks. Any sleep I do get, I have these nightmares, and when I wake up I have to go check on everyone in my family and make sure they're still breathing. I get so frightened. I don't understand why...I don't think I ever will, but I feel like I need an explanation for his death. I can't comprehend my own pain, and it's unnerving. Life is so surreal for me, because now I realize anyone could just walk up to me and shoot me for no reason. I don't see the purpose of going on in a world like that. There's no good left in it. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so useless, and alone in this.  I try to be strong and tough it out, but sometimes, I just can't. I'm not used to not being able to control my emotions, not being able to conceal them, but at times, this whole situation just brings me down to my knees, and there's nothing I can do. Does anyone have any advice?

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