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2
Main / long time no see.
« on: November 06, 2008, 10:50:31 PM »
well... havent been online in a long time... sorry bout that. seems when things are goin good they are goin good, and when they are bad... boy are they bad.
last time i was online, i told u all about my new relationship. i remember saying that i knew it would end badly... gosh why didnt i listen to myself?? it ended today. two weeks after my extremely gullible self moved in with him, he decided to get back with his ex wife. i feel so,..... used.. and stupid. i didnt think i could ever have feelings again.. after josh. and when i did.. when i let myself open up again, and feel again, look what happens. why cant anything just work out for me?
ugh. anyways. thats where im at now. sux.
just wanted to vent a lil. ive at least learnt that keepin it all inside doesnt do me any good.
hope everyone is well.
last time i was online, i told u all about my new relationship. i remember saying that i knew it would end badly... gosh why didnt i listen to myself?? it ended today. two weeks after my extremely gullible self moved in with him, he decided to get back with his ex wife. i feel so,..... used.. and stupid. i didnt think i could ever have feelings again.. after josh. and when i did.. when i let myself open up again, and feel again, look what happens. why cant anything just work out for me?
ugh. anyways. thats where im at now. sux.
just wanted to vent a lil. ive at least learnt that keepin it all inside doesnt do me any good.
hope everyone is well.
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Main / Re: goin good...
« on: October 05, 2008, 11:09:18 AM »
thank you for that reply.. i am glad that you have found someone to share your life with... even if it is only on the phone for now. ur in my prayers, and i hope that that brings you some comfort. good luck with everything. ash
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Main / Re: Everything is different now
« on: October 05, 2008, 08:03:53 AM »
im so sorry terri for everything u are going through... u, as like everyone else on here are in my thoughts and prayers. im so thankful for this site and the ppl on here. dont think i would be where i am today if it wasnt for the help of this site and the ppl on here. i hope that things are getting easier for you in some sort of way. i know that my words cant fix anything.. but i hope they bring some sort of comfort to you. and i pray that god be with you and your family. love ash
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Main / Re: I reached for her, she wasn't there
« on: October 05, 2008, 07:59:00 AM »
prayin for you kevin.. hope your days get easier as they go by. i know how difficult it is... the little things that hit ya like that.
ur in my thoughts, love ash
ur in my thoughts, love ash
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Main / goin good...
« on: October 05, 2008, 07:57:24 AM »
i know that i came to you all a lil while back for some advice.. wanted to thank everyone for their input, i appreciate it so much. just wanted to let you all know that its going very well. =) im happy. for the first time in a long time... i really am... its not pretend or fake anymore... its real. and that is an awesome thing.
its still hard sometimes, i feel guilty alot, cause my mind isnt completely consumed with josh anymore... but just wanted to let you all know that im doing good. and thank you so much for everything. you are all still in my thoughts and prayers. love, ash
its still hard sometimes, i feel guilty alot, cause my mind isnt completely consumed with josh anymore... but just wanted to let you all know that im doing good. and thank you so much for everything. you are all still in my thoughts and prayers. love, ash
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Main / met someone
« on: September 25, 2008, 02:42:07 PM »
ok so.. been a while, i know. i have been so busy with work and school. and somewhere in the midst of everything..... i met someone. im not sure how to handle it all really. hes very understanding and supportive, but im not sure what to do with this. ya know? part of me feels like.. guilty. and then part of me feels like, whats the point of starting something when its just gonna end badly? i know i cant think like that. ughhh. im so stressed out.
anyways. he is super, super sweet...... very nice. hes not my josh tho. and i just dont know how to get past that.
how long is long enough to start dating? and what about serious relationship? just when u feel ready? what if i think i am ready and i dont end up being ready. he has two children, young, but old enough to know im there when im there... i dont want to hurt him or his kids ya know.
i want to be like i usedta be... just happy and free of this. but im not. he makes me happier than i have been since josh passed away. but i dont want to use that. i hope this makes sense and someone can give me some answers. am i crazy to be trying so soon? its been five months. lil over. i dunno...
any help, advice, whatever, would be so appreciated. thank yall so much. and i hope that everyone is doing good on their own journey.
love, ash
anyways. he is super, super sweet...... very nice. hes not my josh tho. and i just dont know how to get past that.
how long is long enough to start dating? and what about serious relationship? just when u feel ready? what if i think i am ready and i dont end up being ready. he has two children, young, but old enough to know im there when im there... i dont want to hurt him or his kids ya know.
i want to be like i usedta be... just happy and free of this. but im not. he makes me happier than i have been since josh passed away. but i dont want to use that. i hope this makes sense and someone can give me some answers. am i crazy to be trying so soon? its been five months. lil over. i dunno...
any help, advice, whatever, would be so appreciated. thank yall so much. and i hope that everyone is doing good on their own journey.
love, ash
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Main / Re: finally... a good dream.
« on: September 13, 2008, 09:04:56 AM »
thank yall very much. 
i hope that everyone is having a good weekend... still in my thoughts and prayers, as always.
ash
i hope that everyone is having a good weekend... still in my thoughts and prayers, as always.
ash
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Main / finally... a good dream.
« on: September 12, 2008, 10:14:44 AM »
I finally had a good dream about josh. All of my others ones have made no sense whatsoever, and one was so scary I had to just push it out of my thoughts. But this one, this one was good. I'm not real sure where we were... but it was like outside, and there was a movie playing, kind of like a drive in, but there were chairs. And I walked up, saw him, and he just smiled. I sat beside him, and held his hand, and he kissed me, and we just sat together and watched a movie. It was wonderful. There were no words that I can remember, but everything seems so... real. It was amazing. I wish it were real. But, I am very thankful for that dream. I hope to have more.
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Main / Re: ANOTHER Weekend
« on: September 06, 2008, 09:12:21 AM »
I hope that you have a good time on your trip this weekend.. I know weekends can be difficult, but maybe this one will be a little bit better, spending it with your grandchildren.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. And I hope that brings some comfort your way. -Ash
You are in my thoughts and prayers. And I hope that brings some comfort your way. -Ash
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Main / Re: Where do I go from here
« on: September 06, 2008, 09:09:54 AM »
Prayin for ya Jes. I hope that today is a little bit easier than the day before was. I know how difficult the hard days can be. It's just awful. I hate for anyone to have to go through this. I'm prayin for ya... and hope that it brings some sort of comfort your way. -ash
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Main / Re: another sunday
« on: September 04, 2008, 08:53:54 PM »
josh passed away on a sunday too. i have said this before, but i will say it again since it is something in common with you all. every single sunday, is like a .... not a constant reminder, tho it is, but every day is, but its a different kind of reminder. i go through it all again. i will look at the clock and think, its 3pm, i had just got off the phone with him, or its 5:30, he had just called me back, or, 9pm, i had just got the call, 10pm, i was on my way to the hospital, praying like i never had before, not really believing this was happening. its impossible not to go through it all. sometimes.... maybe once or twice, i wont realize it until late in the evening and then i somehow feel guilty, like that i hadnt realized it was sunday.
part of me hates that too... i always loved sundays.. they were lazy days.. easy days.. no work, just church, and family... fun stuff.. not bad things. not this.
anyways... just wanted you to know that i am with you on the sunday thing. and i understand. -ash
part of me hates that too... i always loved sundays.. they were lazy days.. easy days.. no work, just church, and family... fun stuff.. not bad things. not this.
anyways... just wanted you to know that i am with you on the sunday thing. and i understand. -ash
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Main / tonight was hard...
« on: September 04, 2008, 08:48:18 PM »
ok so... long story short.. a friend of mines daughter is in the hospital, and i went to visit them tonight. baylor in dallas... man, it was difficult. that is where josh passed away. it was hard. i dont remember alot of that night, but from the second i walked in the building it was like it just all came back to me. all of it. down to little things like the waiting rooms, the hallways, who was standing where, i was leaning on that door when they told us, mom was standing here... gosh it was difficult. i didnt cry. i havent done that in a few weeks actually. strange, but i havent.
but i felt like i was going to just break. i wish that i could erase that night from my memory. part of me wishes that i hadnt gone to the hospital that night.. that iwould have just waited on a phone call. i dunno, i guess i would just have a different memory from that night if that had happened huh.
anyways. it just sucks. i really felt like i was doing better. what did i really expect tho? to just be instantly ok? ughh. i know im better, but these tidal waves hit you out of nowhere dont they? right when u think ur back to a little bit of normalcy, its right there like a slap in the face.
but i felt like i was going to just break. i wish that i could erase that night from my memory. part of me wishes that i hadnt gone to the hospital that night.. that iwould have just waited on a phone call. i dunno, i guess i would just have a different memory from that night if that had happened huh.
anyways. it just sucks. i really felt like i was doing better. what did i really expect tho? to just be instantly ok? ughh. i know im better, but these tidal waves hit you out of nowhere dont they? right when u think ur back to a little bit of normalcy, its right there like a slap in the face.
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Main / Re: what do yall think happens when we die?
« on: September 04, 2008, 04:16:34 PM »
this is a tough subject. everyone believes differently. I was raised in a very strict, southern baptist church. My dad was a deacon, and the church bus driver. My mother was in the childrens ministry. My brother and I were there, every time the doors were open. And I do mean every time. We were there on saturdays to clean! As a child, I learned what my teachers taught me, what the bible says, etc. As a young adult, I read the bible and got different feedback than what I was taught. I still agree with alot of the baptist beliefs, but certainly not all of them. I was taught to believe in heaven, and hell. In God, and the devil. In good and bad. In sin. I do believe that there is an after life. I just am not real sure what it is. Or what it is about. I have faith that there is a God. I don't understand it one single bit, but what does it hurt to believe in that, ya know? If there isn't... then I'm not really losing anything by believing in it.
Josh was one of the most faithful people I had ever met in my entire life. One day, not too long before he passed away, I went to his house and he just pulled out his bible and started reading it... at first I was like, really? but things like that kinda give me a little more comfort now. I can remember a certain Thursday night, we were in bed just talking, and I asked him to go with me to my parents house the next day. And he was like, I dunno. He didnt really wanta go. He could tell that I was dissapointed that he wouldnt go with me, so he was like, ok, lets pray about it. And he just asked God to give him the strength to go to my parents house the next day.
Anyways. I dont know what happens after we die... I dont think anyone does. We all just have what we think. I agree with no one has come back to tell us how it is. Wouldnt that be awesome tho... ?
Another thing that scares me...... if there is a heaven, and that is where I end up.. the thought of "eternal life" scares the crap out of me. I guess because nothing we know on this earth is forever.... nothing.. everything comes to an end in one way or another... and the thought of forever... well, its scary if you really think about it.
anyways. =) just thought id give yall my opinion in this. cant wait to see what others think. -ash
Josh was one of the most faithful people I had ever met in my entire life. One day, not too long before he passed away, I went to his house and he just pulled out his bible and started reading it... at first I was like, really? but things like that kinda give me a little more comfort now. I can remember a certain Thursday night, we were in bed just talking, and I asked him to go with me to my parents house the next day. And he was like, I dunno. He didnt really wanta go. He could tell that I was dissapointed that he wouldnt go with me, so he was like, ok, lets pray about it. And he just asked God to give him the strength to go to my parents house the next day.
Anyways. I dont know what happens after we die... I dont think anyone does. We all just have what we think. I agree with no one has come back to tell us how it is. Wouldnt that be awesome tho... ?
Another thing that scares me...... if there is a heaven, and that is where I end up.. the thought of "eternal life" scares the crap out of me. I guess because nothing we know on this earth is forever.... nothing.. everything comes to an end in one way or another... and the thought of forever... well, its scary if you really think about it.
anyways. =) just thought id give yall my opinion in this. cant wait to see what others think. -ash
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Main / Re: 2 months
« on: September 03, 2008, 05:22:35 PM »
I'm so sorry you're having a hard day. I understand. I know it's difficult. Just get through it... that's all that we can do. When I'm having a hard day... I try to remind myself that tomorrow can't be this hard... tomorrow has to be better. It seems to help sometimes.
I don't know what else to say, but wanted you to know I understand your pain, and I am so so sorry for your loss. I pray that it gets a little easier for you.
-Ash
I don't know what else to say, but wanted you to know I understand your pain, and I am so so sorry for your loss. I pray that it gets a little easier for you.
-Ash