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Messages - Pete (UK)

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1
Main / Re: Lost and Sad
« on: October 21, 2016, 05:39:49 AM »
Dear Connie
I read your post and it triggered something in me; unbelievably (for me), it reminded me of my early posts after I lost my wife of 38 years, eight and a half years ago. I'm so sorry for your loss, and of course, for each of us the pain is different, but I can remember the deepest grief, yet only indirectly. Let me explain what I mean. As the days passed after her death I felt as though nothing was changing and that nothing could alleviate the agony and longing. People said to me that time will help, but that didn't make it any easier. For a long time I felt comforted in a strange way by my bereavement, it kept me close to her. I think after about six months, something changed, I realised, from a line in a song, that she was not coming back and that I had to try to move on. This was also a very hard time, but I worked at it. It was very much a case of 'two steps forward, one step back'. In the following six months I still suffered, but gradually I began to build up and savour new memories, I spent a lot of time with my son and daughter, and we helped each other by talking about Heather, my wife. I wish someone had told me the plain truth (for many people, though as I say we're all different), which is that no matter how you handle your grief, the heart seems to take care of itself, gradually, things eased for me. I read somewhere that there could be a time when I would experience days without thinking of her, but that seemed hard and disloyal. These days did occur, but I can't remember when, or how long after. Over eight years now, and there are times when she doesn't cross my mind any more than as a sweet memory, as if it all happened to someone else. We talk about her, and laugh all the time. Other advice I ignored was; sleep, eat and drink well, and look after your health. This is very important, it helps your immunity and gives you strength to continue. This is only my thinking on the subject. Please check out my early posts and you'll see that I was also lost and sad. It still saddens me when I think of her, but is a sadness that no longer burns inside me, it comforts me. I once thought I was an unlucky man to have lost her at the age of 56, but I now appreciate the fact that I was the luckiest to have ever even met her. Please accept my apologies for anything in this post which you might find callous or unfeeling, I am sensitive to your sad loss and just wish the best for your journey back to wholeness.

2
Grief not related to deaths / Re: New Chat Room is Open! NEW
« on: September 23, 2016, 02:22:50 PM »
Hi Terry!
Last spoke to you way back about 8 years ago after my wife died, you were so helpful. Now I need more help, but in a different field. Can you please register me for chat room?
Thanks
Pete (UK)

3
Grief not related to deaths / Emotional Abuse
« on: September 23, 2016, 02:03:14 PM »
Big 'Hi' to all members of webhealing. I actually had difficulty remembering the name of the site, yet used it to exhaustion 8 years ago after my wife died. It helped me so much. Now I am in a kind of grief again and need information and/or advice.

I'm five and a half years into a relationship with a woman I met online. We have split and got back together about six times. My daughter thinks I am being emotionally abused. I am 69 years old, my partner is 68. I came from a long (38 years) happy relationship with my wife who died eight years ago. My partner has a history of divorce and failed relationships. She tells me she loves me, and I am wondering if I have just got used to her ways? I am unhappy much of the time, but afraid of being alone, or lonely. She seems unable to handle my emotional needs. How can I identify any emotional abuse. Please help me. Thanks ... Pete

4
Main / The 'honeymoon' period is over!
« on: July 02, 2010, 04:13:41 AM »
My apologies for using 'honeymoon' as a heading, it's a little provocative I know, but not meant in any offensive way. It's the best way I can think of to describe the plateau stage I've reached, 25 months since I lost my wife, Heather, to cancer. It's been a very bumpy ride, from the depths of wishing I could just die, to realising I have responsibilities to live, for others, and to try to do a little more than suffer these responsibilities.

My current emotions seem to be spread out on a great plain. No longer do I sink to the abyss of emotional pain so rapidly as before. Things are more even. I still hate my life, and spend all my time finding ways to divert my own attention from persistent emotional confusion, but now I have the feeling that my friends and family (excluding my son and daughter), have 'got over it'.

These days, it's rare for anyone to mention Heather's name, or want to talk about her. It's as if everyone except the three of us is breathing a sigh of relief that the crisis has passed and they can all relax again. Well, I can't relax, I'm stuck halfway between a life I can do without, and a life I need to live for my kids. I'm riding a razor-edge every day, and the honeymoon period is over, so I have started to feel very alone again.

I've recently changed my occupation and now I don't get to see the one person who listened to me (to exhaustion) and always helped. Sometimes I actually miss the deep, raw pain of early grief, at least it made me feel close to her. But now I am living in a numb world, peopled by a seemingly short-memoried social circle who would probably wish little more than for me to find someone else so that they could wipe their own  memory of Heather's death from their lives. I don't mean to be hard on friends, they have been kind, warm and supportive, but I get the feeling they want me to 'hey, move on, man'.

I recently met a lady who was divorced about ten years ago. She'd be an ideal companion, about my age etc., but I fell in love in 1970 with a girl and I can't work out how to relate to a woman in my peer-age group. I'm not sure I want to have any kind of relationship, but I feel somehow that others expect it of me. I think maybe this lady can't understand why I don' t persist in wanting to see her more when we obviously get on okay, but I don't want to develop an emotional relationship. It's not just a feeling of betrayal of my wife's memory, that would be stupid; she'd want me to be happy. It's more that I haven't got the patience and energy anymore to go through the process of learning and compromising to meet someone else's needs.

It feels so much more comfortable to lock myself in and stare at the wallpaper. I know I need to change my life,
but lately this plateau period has seemed to be extending. Nothing is said.

Pete doesn't break down and cry anymore, he doesn't feel the need to keep talking about Heather, he must be okay now?:

problem solved, we can all go back to our own lives.

Has anyone else felt this dull cloud of default abandonment in their lives?

It's been quite a time since I came online here and I suppose I have been thinking of my own trials too much. There are so many who've lost loved ones since I lost my great love and companion. At this stage, for me, comes boredom, tedium and apathy, lurking around me, trying to dislodge me from my small targets. The silence is dreadful isn't it?

My condolences to all who have joined this band of sufferers by dint of a common, unexpected and unwelcome bond. As much as I wish to offer support, I wish to offer the truth, as I see it.

Love and peace to you all, may your suffering ease with time,

Pete (UK)

5
Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: July 02, 2010, 03:12:13 AM »
Isle of Wight - off the south coast of England. I don't come on the site so much these days, it's good to be back, but I miss seeing the names who started my journey with me around June 2008. Good luck and peace to you all,

Pete (UK)

6
Main / Re: Lost my beloved
« on: June 06, 2010, 10:36:38 AM »
Leo:

You seem to be doing all the same things I did/still do. I still like to get home and lock myself away most of the time. I spent today, the 2nd anniversary of losing my sweet Hetty, rambling around a car-boot sale (flea market?) I used to come here, in Southsea, Hampshire quite a lot with her, and the memories were pretty-much overwhelming. I've lost heart today and can't see where I'm heading.  I think it's good for you to talk it out, I often bore anyone with my trials and tribulations, but they are all good friends (at least all those who stick with me). I think you are doing better than you think Leo, it takes time for all of us, but you sound very strong to me. Be patient with youself, you're working hard at surviving this awful process and I know you will come through it,

Regards,
Pete (UK)

7
Main / Re: Lost my beloved
« on: June 05, 2010, 04:47:27 PM »
Hi Leo:

Just checking on how you're doing. It's two years for me today, drab feeling, but I'm gradually making it. Stick in there, she'd be proud of you,

Kind thoughts
Pete (UK)

8
Katym79:

I'm so sorry to hear about you losing you dad. Real dad or not, he was obviously the right father for you and I think it's okay for you to grieve the way your heart tells you. For me, the tears seemed to stop gradually without me trying to find ways of coping. I think it is an automatic thing and it just takes time, that's the hell of it. I still have bad moments, unexpected stabs of grief, but the continual crying has eased and I 've come to realise it's natural. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel, it just hits everyone differently.

Take care, I'm thinking of you right now,

Pete (UK)

9
Main / Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« on: May 25, 2010, 10:01:10 AM »
I think every time you confront a 'new' emotion it drags you back a few steps. You get so you can eventually handle the old favourite supermarkets, then you might visit a familiar small store for the first time alone and that kicks you back again. I go weeks feeling I'm moving forward, then something stupid like hearing one of 'our' tunes for the first time alone will do it yet again. The strange thing is ... every subsequent time I hear those songs or visit those places without her, it hurts, but it doesn't send me quite so far back into the darkness of my early bereavement. There are some things we did together, rock gigs for instance that used to wrench my heart out every time, so much so I started avoiding them. Now, I go to as many as I can and I get a peaceful sensation as if Heather can sense me enjoying them for her. I don't know how it all works, and I wish we didn't all have to be in this place swapping stories of our loss and sadness, but I know this forum helps me, and dilutes the sharp pain of grief. My warm thoughts to all who need the help of the site and its contributors!

Pete (UK)

10
Main / Re: One month today - Making changes
« on: May 25, 2010, 09:50:02 AM »
Holly:

What an amazing example you are to me. I can feel your strength in everything you write. I'm two years down the line but I'm still deliberating over whether to move or not. My wife, Heather never had a real attachment to any house. Her home was wherever me and the kids were at any given time, so my reluctance to move on when  I know it would probably benefit me immensely is probably based around my feeling of 'security' in the house. (As if there's such a thing as real security in this life).

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and the hassle you've encountered, much like mine in coping with a situation that never entered my head I'd have to deal with one day (how naive can you get?) Your posting inspired me and strengthened my resolve to work my way through all this, there's nothing else I can do I guess, but I'm going to try to do it with a much positive intention as you've shown for as long as I can.

Thanks, take care,

Pete (UK)

11
Main / Re: just want to die
« on: May 25, 2010, 09:36:35 AM »
Ron:

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss, my thoughts are with you. I too wanted to die when I lost my wife after 38 years together. She passed away 2 years ago next June 6 and I'm still trying to make sense of the world. While it's still painful and powerfully debilitating, somehow it is not so raw. I think you have to be patient with yourself, time will make adjustments for you. You have to want to carry on. That for me was the hardest part, after Heather went there seemed to be little left. I'm lucky I have two wonderful grown-up kids and great friends, but this site was a major support for me, many times it pulled me back from the brink of losing it completely. Keep posting, it will remind you that you're not alone and enable others to try to reach out and help with advice where they can.

Take care,
Pete (UK)

12
Main / Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« on: May 21, 2010, 09:57:22 AM »
Leo:

I'd like to reply to your email by taking the liberty of answering your points one at a time

I can understand well what you mean by saying that you are trying to stop thinking about your wife... because I too feel that my constantly thinking about my wife is eating away at the foundations of my very being in such a major way...I want to keep her in my mind all the time but I do not know how to moderate it...how will it be for me with my current state of mind running in this direction in another year or two?

In another year or two you will not be in this state of mind, trust me, you will find you are automatically living with the new life through necessity. Distracting myself from thinking about Heather most times seems mean, disrespectful, unloving and callous, but I keep hearing what she would have said to me ....'do whatever you have to do to get through this'.

I am trying to keep busier of late but the thoughts of her are always there...even when I am driving the car...the heavy thoughts, the crying and my inability, on occasion, to stay focused on my driving

I drove myself very, very hard into work after Het died, a great friend of mine died 4 days after Heather and my boss died unexpectedly six weeks after her, and I was thrown into trying to keep his business going. It took its toll, I lost nearly two stone in weight and became quite ill. Looking back I think it was because I tried to over-occupy my mind with work and I had no time to address my issues with her death. After ten months I had a stupid accident and broke my hip which meant three months off work. I wanted to die, but realised I had to keep going. The three months forced me to address the situation head-on and it did me good in the long run.

it is good that you have your children...we had none...no really close friends...my wife and I lived life as one...I have a few understanding friends but no one that I feel I can open up the way I do in this site


My children have saved me, but along the way I have made good friends. A colleague of mine, just a casual friend, became my great confidente and I use him as therapy, he is a good man. When you need help, if you ask and keep talking, you'll find someone to listen and it helps immensely. This site is the best medicine, everyone here has suffered loss and I found by trying to advise/listen to others was a good way of soaking-up my grief. I also keep a log of all the emails I write, and when I read them back I can see how far I've come. Make no mistake, I was a hopeless case too. All colour, warmth, sunshine, music and beauty hurt me without her.

so if I am not writing here all my thoughts and emotions are building up inside me with no other relief valve...after almost 33 beautiful years my wife's being/spirit has been melded into me...I try to get out more by myself...going to the store or the mall...I feel as if I am in a trance and walk around feeling like a zombie...

I forced myself to go to the same supermarkets, pubs, cinemas etc that I used to go to with her and gradually they took on a slightly different meaning, not so painful. At times I still do the zombie-run, staring into space, but the waves of grief get further and further apart and the troughs are not so deep. At present I am merely bored with being alone, not loneliness because I am lonely only for her, but I can live with the boredom. I tend to upset my daughter by regularly saying that the one thing no-one can take away from me is that one day I will definitely die, then maybe all the grief will be over, and there's a 50/50 chance there's something beyond this. So there is a 50/50 chance we'll meet again if there is an afterlife. Romance exists most definitely in this life, and I feel the poetry of creation from wherever it derives would tend to suggest a romantic continuation of our love. That's good enough for me, I'll wait for an eternity if it means we can be reuinted again. I stupidly believed we loved each other so much even death couldn't separate us, and now I know it is true, I don't know how, but my instinct tells me so.


I understand about not trying too hard to find a single method to lessen your grief...with time you are conditioning your mind to accept the situation and gradually you learn to live with it a little better, I guess


I don't think you do learn to live with it any better, your mind does it for you without too much effort and this happens with time. Sometimes I say to myself, 'what's the good of thinking about her, it's a dead-end street'. It is painful to do, but then, when she does come into my mind it is almost on her terms. I am trying to learn to embrace new freedoms, there should be no guilt in wanting to survive bereavement, we owe it to our loved ones and friends to remain and be capable again.

Please take care. A good friend who lost his partner told me 'be kind to yourself', it took me a while to work that one out, but I think I know what he meant.

Please keep in touch Leo, we can beat this together!
Regards,

Pete

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Main / Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« on: May 20, 2010, 02:34:30 PM »
Evelyn:

As the weeks turn into months you will be amazed to find you can live through this. We are stronger than we think. I assure you that time will ease your pain even though it's difficult to believe right now. I thought I was the one person on this site who would never find a way to carry on, but we all can, and I promise, you will also. Let time do its work and don't try too hard to find a way out of your emotional darkness. I'm thinking of you right now, remembering when I was as raw to this wretched new life as you are. It will ease, trust me. It helped me to keep posting on this site, people here understand loss. We have all suffered and there are some wonderful guides who will be able to give you good advice.

Please take care, use as much energy as you can spare being patient,
Love and wishes for some peace of mind

Pete (UK)

14
Main / Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« on: May 20, 2010, 02:14:59 PM »
Leo:

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I have to pick my moments for logging on to the site. If I'm feeling relatively okay it sometimes depresses me, I usually only go online when I'm feeling low. I know that's a cowardly way to be, but it seems to work for me. I feel for others who are bereaved and offer my insights when I feel they might help. I'm apologising to any site members who've heard all the thoughts in this message before, but this is where I am now. It might help, please forgive me if it has the reverse effect and accept it in the spirit in which it's written. If you click on my user name in the main forum, you can access all my posts and you'll see that your postings are almost a carbon copy of mine. There is hope. About a year ago I asked if anyone could assure me that things could get better, and I was assured they could, and you know? They have got a little easier. I still have very black times and I won't kid you that it goes away, but somehow there come times when I am strangely at peace.

It will be two years for me on 6th June, bizarrely for me ... D-Day. I invested every ounce of my heart and effort in my love for my wife Heather. We had a fairytale romance which lasted till the day she died, and continues even now. My son and daughter have dragged me through it all. Lately I've tried distraction coping strategy, I just stop thinking about her because it is destroying me. I know things will never be the same, and I try to continue for my kids' sake and to assure my friends and family that they needn't worry, but in honesty it is a mask. I tried everything except religion. I have no faith, I lost that about 15 years ago and Hetty's death ensured I'd never find faith again. The best advice I can give you is that there doesn't seem to be any one trick that works on its own, whatever you do it seems to work for a while only. However, I wish someone had said to me, 'don't try too hard to find a way out of your grief, time seems to help automatically'. Without me realising it, as the months go by it has got almost imperceptibly easier to handle. I've been through despair, bitterness, anger, depression, and nothing has changed the feelings abruptly, but time is slowly, day by day, helping me to find a new life.

I vowed I would not forget my wife, how could I, she was the best part of me, but I now think my powerful determination to keep her alive in my mind was having a detrimental effect on me, I was destroying myself. I was forcing myself to track back to the past like picking at a deep wound, and that stops a wound from healing. I'm sure our wounds will heal, but there will always be a scar, which will fade, but remain to remind us that we carry our past. I now try to relax, usually feeling sorry for myself, but through the ups and downs I suddenly realised I can look back on two years of memories since Heather passed away and find a few happy memories with my kids and friends etc.

I noticed a 'step-improvement' in my emotions literally on the first anniversary of her death, and I'm hoping for another at the two-year mark, a step to lift me one more measure out of the hell of those who have suffered loss.

I'd hate it if this email brought you down, I'm just trying to be honest about my feelings, it may be different for you, everyone deals with it differently.

Nowadays I'm so taken-up with attempting to survive as a single man that I often find myself forced to concentrate on my life in the moment. I say to friends 'thank goodness I'm not a young man, then I feel I would have to suffer for too long before I maybe join her, or, if there's nothing (depending on what you believe), until it all ends. Like you I had a long marriage, I met Hetty in 1970 and we had 38 years together. I found a song that made a big difference to me. It has a hard, bitter-sweet message, but it helped immensely. It's called 'See the Sun' by Dido.

See the Sun

I'm told 'one day the sun will shine again
I'm coming 'round to open the blinds
You can't hide here any longer
My God you need to rinse those puffy eyes
You can't last here any longer

And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

Come on take my hand
We're going for a walk, I know you can
You can wear anything as long as it's not black
Please don't mourn forever
She's(He's) not coming back

And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all
You said one day this was worth dying for
So be thankful you knew her(him) at all
But it's no more

Small | Large


You'll note my comments with the Youtube user name reggaejuggler

I really do have your feelings at heart Leo, I hope I haven't planted disappointment that things will not be cured fast. I believe our grief is proportional to the love we give and that is the greatest tribute to our lost loved ones. Once I wished I could die. All my life I knew I would die for my children, but you have to be really strong to live for them. I feel I know where you are emotionally right now, and I feel similar pain I'm sure. I wish you the peace we all deserve. Please keep in touch with me, you can vent your feelings at any time. I live in England, but although most of the subscribers on Webhealing are in the USA, I find them a great support.

May your God be with you
(I am - for what it's worth),
Take care

Pete (UK)

15
Main / Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« on: May 17, 2010, 12:43:49 PM »
Leo:

As I said previously, it's been a long time since I logged in regularly. I saw your post and it took me back exactly to where I was two years ago next month. I've got my son with me today, but I'd like to write a long email to you telling you why I identify with your sad loss. It may help. believe me Leo I understand how much it hurts and I'd like to be a supporter for you as others were for me. There is hope, I'll be in touch tomorrow.
Take care, thinking of you and sending you my best wishes for some peace in your heart,

Pete

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