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Messages - Bee

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Currently pregnant, lost the father.
« on: November 09, 2011, 08:04:22 AM »
Dearest Oneangel,

THANK YOU. Thank you for having the courage to write to me. I needed to see this today. I have been so down, fighting to care about living, trying to keep it together for my older boys and especially this baby who is depending on me to bring him into this world. Just this morning I asked God, the Universe, whomever, to just let me die. Then I had to reel it in, calm myself down, pat my belly, and focus. Not easy, as you know. Your words have helped me. I will read them often. I am so very sorry for your loss. Losing the ones we love is a horror I have no human vocabulary for. Missing them from this physical world aims to break me, but I will keep on, as you have. I am extremely grateful for your kindness and your courage in responding. It means so much to me, especially right now. Thank you so much.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Currently pregnant, lost the father.
« on: November 04, 2011, 06:52:16 PM »
Thank you for your kind words. I've not been able to locate a group so far. I know I need to. I'm not giving up, but I don't see a future. Second by second, I guess. I miss him.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Currently pregnant, lost the father.
« on: November 02, 2011, 06:49:32 AM »
Hello. I need to find people who have carried on through their pregnancy even though the father has passed on. The love of my life was in an motorcycle accident on September 17th, 2011, and later died September 26th. Somehow kept myself "calm" during the accident and his body dying, kept the baby safe. 15 weeks today. Still fighting for life here, fighting the depression that could kill me. I will not give up. Doing so would be a dishonor to this child's amazing father. I know that I cannot give up. I thought divorce was painful, and it is, but in my life, losing this man that I prayed for so hard to come into my life is overwhelming at different seconds, minutes. He died. Justin died! He would say, "Everybody dies, Bee." I know. I know we all do. But not you, Justin. No no no, not you. Knowing him and being friends, good friends since Highschool, both having awful long painful relationships with the wrong people, finding each other again but as life-mates only just this May, then GONE?? To say this is hard is obviously and understatement. I know that he is with us, just different. I miss his face, though, his skin, his voice. His acceptance. The best man I have ever met has been ripped from my existence. I'm so glad we are having a son. I hope to make his father proud in spirit.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: November 01, 2011, 04:43:35 PM »
Hello. I'm just trying to maintain at this point. I'm looking for people that have survived the horror of losing their partner in life. I know my story isn't the worst, others have gone through more. I just need to see for myself that it is possible to survive and carry on, somehow.
We were friends since highschool. We loved each other then, just never admitted it to each other. Went separate ways in life, but always remained tight friends. He had to have his babies. I had to have mine. He finally broke away from the dark one, saw that there was life to be had. He looked to me. I looked back. We came together as soulmates, lifemates at the end of this May. I'd never had so much fun, so much laughter, so much acceptance. I admit, I was scared of it a bit. I'd never been loved like that before. I dragged my feet, wanted my feelings to grow, not screw it up this time, not rush in. There were other plans. I got pregnant. We were scared, but so happy. He wanted me to have my girl. I had to stop my antidepressants, which I did willingly to keep the baby safe. The withdrawals, combined with my hormones, made me into an angry, sick, flippant being. I asked him for space. I needed to just be sick and green on the couch. I wanted him to have fun, not worry while I got through some of this. It scared him. He thought I didn't love him. He thought I was going to leave him. I told him I would never leave the most wonderful man I'd ever met and he didn't deserve my aggression. I felt just awful, crazy, unsure. Wanted to let my love for him grow, not have it forced. Saturday he had wine for breakfast. He came to see me at work. We laughed. He went to walk up the sidewalk to a bar for some lunch. He told me he loved me. I didn't say it back. I DIDN'T SAY IT BACK! I felt it, but I let my ego, my mixed up horrible emotions stop me from saying it back. He was riding his motorcycle. It was so nice out and he loved it so much. He basically built it from the ground up. It was beautiful. That night we were to visit friends. He texted me, "Would you be mad if I told you that I bike surfed tonight?" I replied, "Why would I be mad? Your death wish keeps me distant." He replied, "Taste death, Live Life." His careless remark sparked up my anger and shock even more. I replied, " F**ck Off." That was it. Minutes later, according to the police, he was in a one person motorcycle accident, September 17th, just before 8PM. The bike flipped. Instant stage 4 coma. Not one broken bone. Massive head trama. He damaged his entire brain. He died in the hospital nine days later, September 26th, 9:12PM. His brain had swelled so much that it finally severed his brainstem. I know he doesn't want me to feel this guilt, but if only I had told him how much he means to me THAT DAY, the week before, he wouldn't have been so flippant, so careless. I have the baby inside, 15 weeks pregnant Wednesday. I keep his love in my heart, keep the baby safe. To give up would be to dishonor him and our love. I need to speak with him somehow, tell him I'm sorry. I tell him all the time. I don't know how to earn my penance. Trying to be strong. Praying every day. Talk to his pictures everyday. I miss him. My older boys miss him. Our future is gone. How do you let it go? I will never let him leave my heart, but I know that I must let the hope for our future together go.

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