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Messages - shhh65

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Main / Re: A poem: Today by Lyndie Sorenson
« on: February 22, 2009, 08:42:30 AM »
Today marks 14 months. I'm away from home. It's cold where I live and I'm on a beach vacation. The weather is beautiful but the hurt remains. Although I have part of my family with me, I still feel so alone most of the time. I am moving forward with my physical being and I know God is strenghtening my spiritual being but my "heart" is gone and I fear it will never return.

Thank you for posting the poem. It is new to me.  I'm sure many here will think they could have written it themselves.


Main / Re: My heart wants......
« on: January 24, 2009, 09:30:55 PM »

Amen to your post! I just passed the 13 month mark on January 22nd. I thought I had turned a corner and then it came back and got me. I have been having a rough go of it again but I know I am stronger and as you said: " I hope we can all find hope in whatever tiny way we can, grab on to it, squeeze every bit of good we can out of it, so that we can be stronger when the grief comes back again." That's exactly what I'm praying for us all...strength.


Main / Re: The song by Barlow Girl (Never Alone)
« on: January 10, 2009, 04:05:42 PM »

I posted the link. I'm glad it gave you comfort. I think of my husband too when I listen to songs like that. I don't feel guilty as God gave Harry to me as a husband for 42 years and 7 months. I believe the day we said our vows we became one and that's what is so hard now. It seems like half of me is missing and I also think God understands that.

You might enjoy this song as well (I think of my husband when I listen to this one too!)


Main / Re: Confidence...where did it go?
« on: January 03, 2009, 08:58:18 AM »
Georgia and Terri,

Thank you both for your kind words. Terri, you are exactly right about the loss of other family members and friends.

Main / Confidence...where did it go?
« on: January 02, 2009, 04:22:31 PM »
I've just passed the 1 year mark of finding my husband dead in our back yard. I guess I need to keep repeating that circumstance until I gain complete acceptance. Since he had been to the doctor just 11 days before he died and received great reports and was about to retire the first of last year it still seems unreal. He was here one minute and gone the next. No goodbye, no nothing.  I went back to work 2 weeks after he died but worked only until April 1st and then took early retirement. I've given away the van I was driving, and sold one of his trucks. I'm driving the truck that we used to pull our camper and boat until I can make a decision about what to do with them. They are constant reminders of the things we planned to do in our retirement but everything I change seems to cause me a set back. The letting go is horrific. It's not the thing it is what it represented to us. There is no us anymore after 42 years and 7 months of marriage. Every decision has to be made by me and I have lost my confidence. God help me!!

Main / Music sometimes says it all!
« on: January 01, 2009, 12:10:12 PM »
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Main / Re: happy new yr
« on: December 31, 2008, 03:09:29 PM »
Last year, it had been 8 days since Harry died suddenly, so I know that I was still in a state of shock and denial. We never did anything special for New Year's eve as he always had worked that day and had to work New Year's day too. He had to be up for work at 4:00 a.m so he would go to bed around 8 p.m. He would kiss me and say "See you next year!" Tomorrow would have marked his first anniversary of retirement. He was going to be walking out the door of the grocery store (he was a meatcutter) as a retiree January 1, 2008. That has been very difficult to accept. He worked so hard all his life and was so looking forward to being "his own boss" and our plans for camping and fishing. It was my first New Year's without him in 43 years. Of course there was no magic is getting through all the firsts wihout him. I don't expect getting through the seconds will be any different.

Main / Re: The Black Hole
« on: December 21, 2008, 01:02:43 PM »

I am so sorry you are in such a dark place. I wish none of were going through the loss we are trying to bear. You asked if someone would point you in a useful direction. When the hole seems so deep and the tears just won't cease, I open my Bible and try to read. The Psalms are a good place to start. At first I usually cannot even see the words but as I keep trying the words come to view. Sometimes it takes a while but eventually the tears stop and I hear what He is trying to tell me. That He is with me and He will never leave me. I'm posting a link to a song that brings me comfort. I pray that it might do the same for you.

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Main / Re: Christmas Cards
« on: December 20, 2008, 08:30:47 AM »

I agree. I signed Harry's name on the gifts I'm giving my kids and grandkids.  He was and always will be the other half of me.  If not for the two of us, our children and grandchildren would not exist.

Main / Re: Dreading the Approach of Christmas
« on: December 19, 2008, 01:19:49 PM »
Me too Kevin! I have a double whammy with the first anniversary of Harry's death on the 22nd. Last year was the worst Christmas I've ever had.


Main / Re: Christmas Cards
« on: December 10, 2008, 06:38:46 PM »

Last year I was still receiving Christmas cards mixed in with sympathy cards, so I decided to skip putting up the tree and sending cards this year. My husband died suddenly on December 22, 2007.

I have young granddaughters so I must try very hard for them this year.  My daughter said since she was  in such pain, she didn't realize how much it had affected them until she got the Christmas pictures out from last year to make me the calendar she always made for her Dad and me. I know that their Grandpa would want them to have wonderful Christmas memories from now on so I will do my best. The dinner and gift exchanges will be done elsewhere so I don't think they have been too upset that Grandma doesn't have a tree this year.

I feel blessed as most of the cards I have received this year have notes that say they are praying for me and my family this Christmas season.  With every card I receive, it's a slap of realization that Harry will never again be addressed on the cards.

I pray for a sense of peace for all here on this site.


Main / Re: Is your glass 1/2 full or 1/2 empty?
« on: December 04, 2008, 02:29:03 PM »
Some days it is hard to see even a drop left in my glass of life. I sometimes beg God to let me be with my husband because it hurts so much I don't think I can go on. I know as a Christian that is wrong, but in the moment I do not care.  On the 22nd of this month, it will be a year since I found my husband lying dead in our back yard from what the autopsy called "severe atheroslerosis." He had been to the doctor just 11 days prior and gotten a "clean bill of health." He had 6 days left to work and was so excited to be retiring early at the age of 62. We had such plans. Christmas was upon us and it was going to be one of the best ever. He had the house decorated, which he loved to do and had won our town's decorating contest in the past. I won't be decorating this year. I guess I haven't made much progress. I don't want to make a new life without him, although I have continued to put one foot in front of the other just like everyone else here. The books, grief support group leaders, and others who have been at this longer that I, say that it will get better. I have no recourse but to believe it.  As the first anniversary of his death approaches it is hard to believe that I will ever feel true joy again. I pray for a "peace that passes all understanding" for me and for everyone here during this Christmas season.


Main / Re: 1st Wedding Anniversay
« on: September 14, 2008, 06:37:15 PM »

How ironic. My own husband and I were married on May 22nd an he died on December 22nd. I don't know why but that "coincidence" bothered me as well. It is especially eerie since both our children were due on September 22nd although neither of them were actually born on that date. But a due date is something a woman never forgets.

I hope you had some peace today.


Main / Re: My husband's birthday is the 14th
« on: September 14, 2008, 06:32:11 PM »
This post is a little late but since I just read it I thought I'd reply anyway. Maybe it can help you for next year or future anniversary dates. When my Mother died in 2003 I told my other 2 sisters I didn't think I would be able to get thru her birthdate without something to do. We decided that each year the 3 of us and our husbands would get together and have dinner rotating who would host it. It is a special family time and we have looked forward to the date instead of dreading it. My Mother's birthdate is 8/26.

This year was more difficult because it was the first time I had to go without my husband. He died unexpectedly last December 22nd in our back yard. But I went and honored my Mother. It actually was a nice evening as my youngest sister presented me with a heart shaped necklace with all the letters of my husbands name inside. As you can see I am blessed with a wonderful family.

My husband's birthdate is September 18th. I have planned a small supper with my children and grandchildren and have purchased some beautiful fall mums to plant in the little memorial garden I started this spring on the place where I found him that day. I find if I have something planned for the date it helps me get thru it.

I am grateful that we can share our thoughts and feelings here.


Main / Re: what do yall think happens when we die?
« on: September 07, 2008, 07:57:16 PM »
From my studies I believe our spirit goes back to God who gave it. Our bodies return to dust. On the day of our resurrection we are transformed with a body that will be able to exist in the heavenlies for eternity. I think of being dead as going to sleep...we won't have knowledge of being alive until resurrection.  Like other posts here, I do not argue about religion. I am not religious. I have a personal relationship with a living Savior.

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